The Ultimate Satisfaction

Scene 1: Hornblower gets introduced to the Justinian crew.

Hether: What kinda music do you listen to, Mr Hornblower?

Hornblower: David Bowie, Sir.

Hether: David Bowie, Sir?! You hear that Cleaveland?

Cleaveland: If you want to be a seaman, boy, you have to listen to Rod Stewart.

Hether: I doubt he even knows the difference between “Downtown Train” and “Uptown Girl”.

Hornblower: No! But I’ll make sure it’s the first thing I’ll look up in Molly Meldrum’s Muscianship. Now if you’ll excuse me gentleman (vomits).

Scene 2: The arrival of Simpson.

Kennedy: …likewise best cuts of meat goes to him.

Hornblower: Why?

Kennedy: Mr Simpson looks a bit like Rod Stewart.

Hornblower: We are all Rod Stewart fans here.

Simpson: That smacks to my mind of jealously Mr Hornblower. Is that what you are?

Hornblower: According to Molly Meldrum there’s nothing in his regulations-

Simpson: I piss on your regulations! There is only one Rod Stewart look-a-like here. And I’ll leave you to figure out, which of us looks like Rod Stewart, and which of us looks like Billy Joel.

Clayton: He takes your meaning, Jack.

Simpson: Oh, Clayton. Strangle a Rod Stewart tune from that fiddle of yours. Mr Hornblower, up a reel. Did you hear me, Sir? Dance I said. Dance dance dance!

(Hornblower gets up and dances).

Simpson: I’ve seen men dance better to a Billy Joel song!

Scene 3: Keane checks their answers.

Keane: Mr Simpson, we should all rejoice! As far as I can make out from your illiterate scrawl, Rod Stewart had a number one song with “River of Dreams”! Let’s see what other terra incognitio has been uncovered.

(Goes down the line).

Keane: Mr Cleveland…noo. Mr Hether…noo. Mr Kennedy…noo. Mr Hornblower…you must be proud, to alone know all the words to “Maggie”. If you double your attainment while doubling the amount of time you spend listening to Rod Stewart, I fear you will leave the rest of us behind. Well done, Mr Hornblower, well done. Mr Bowles! See that Mr Simp-suuuuun spends even more time listening to Rod Stewart! Good day!

Scene 4: Simpson does an inquisition on Hornblower.

Simpson: …Who else but the Captain’s favourite, Mr…Hornblower – Hether, Cleaveland- headphones!

Hether: But Jack!

Simpson: Do it unless you want to take his place!

(Hether and Cleaveland promptly pin Hornblower down and put headphones on him with the music of Billy Joel).

Simpson: What’s your dirty little secret…a fancier of Christine Brinkley, perhaps? Or is it that your father is Billy Joel?

Hornblower: You filthy! (Headbutts Simpson. Simpson comes back and beats the living daylights out of Hornblower).

Scene 5: Hornblower is introduced to Chalk.

Simpson: This is Mr Hornblower, Sir, distinguished as the midshipman who loves David Bowie.

(Awkward silence).

Chalk: Naturally we would hope he will be acquainted with the music of Rod Stewart. I leave the details to you.

Simpson: Aye aye, Sir, thankyou, Sir.

Scene 6: Hornblower comes in from the cold.

Simpson: Why aren’t you on the lookout for Rod Stewart where I left you?

Hornblower: There is no formal announcement that he will be touring yet.

Simpson: Then all is right with the world…sing us a song, Hornblower, you’re the piano man. C’mon! Sing us a song!

(Chalk comes in with Caldwell. They sit around a table playing a game of musical trivia to pass the time).

Simpson: You’re very sure?

Hornblower: It’s a musical certainty.

Simpson: You know too much about this topic. He probably listens to Billy Joel.

Hornblower: That is an insulting remark. For that I will have to ask for an apology.

Chalk: Come, Mr Simpson had a momentary loss of temper. I’m sure that can be easily explained.

Hornblower: I have been accused of listening to Billy Joel. That is a hard thing to explain away.

Chalk: Let’s all get another bottle and drink it in friendship.

Scene 7: Kennedy announces exciting news.

Kennedy: We…fortunate few.

Hether: C’mon Kennedy! Don’t keep us on tender hooks!

Kennedy: We will go into a draw for the chance to meet - Rod Stewart!!!

Cleveland and Hether: Yes!!

Cleveland: You hear that Horatio? Rod Stewart!!! Horatio!

Kennedy: Poor old Clayton. Always wanted to go to a Rod Stewart concert.

Scene 8: Captain Pellew introduces himself.

Pellew: My name is Captain Sir Edward Pellew. And I am here to tell you that your days of being bored are over! Last night we received communication from America. The revolutionary Music Association has declared Rod Stewart will be touring Europe! We shall fight the French to the death for exclusive backstage passes!

All: Yay!

Pellew: For there is nothing that can withstand the might of British Rod Stewart fans!

All: Yay!

Pellew: God save Rod Stewart!

All: God save Rod Stewart!

Scene 9: Pellew meets Hornblower.

Pellew: I do not think much of men who listen to David Bowie.

Hornblower: Captain Pellew there is no one who loves David Bowie more and I resent-

Pellew: You resent?!! Damn your impudence, Sir! I will not support men who do not give Rod Stewart their undying loyalty! While on board my ship you will listen to David Bowie no more. Is that understood?

Hornblower: Yes, Sir.

Pellew: The tickets to Rod Stewart are hard to get hold of, would you concur?

Hornblower: Yes, Sir.

Pellew: I make it your mission to get some. You will get us Rod Stewart tickets or you will answer for it. We have an opportunity to meet the man himself, Mr Hornblower, and you will not let us down.

Scene 10: Eccleston assesses the Cargo on a French ship.

Pellew: Cargo?

Eccleston: About 400 Rod Stewart tickets, I would say.

Pellew: Bonus prize of four backstage passes, at least. Midshipman’s command. Mr Hornblower! Take four men, board her, take her into any English box-office, and report there for orders.

Hornblower: Aye aye, Sir.

Kennedy: Tickets to your first Rod Stewart concert. My congratulations.

Pellew: Today, if you please, Mr Hornblower…I don’t intend to lose any more opportunities to meet Rod Stewart through your dawdling, Sir!

Hornblower: Aye aye, Sir.

Scene 11: The Spanish Officer has a note from the Duke of Belchite.

Pellew: What? What does he say?

Hornblower: According to the International Music Association - Rod Stewart doesn’t write his own songs.

Pellew: You tell him, Sir…you tell him…God this is making me angry!

Scene 12: Cleveland is ordered to pass the word that Rod Stewart’s been sighted.

Cleveland: Rod Stewart! Rod Stewart’s been sighted! Rod Stewart! Rod Stewart’s been sighted!

Bunting (Below deck with Finch): How is he?

Hornblower: I can’t keep his mind going.

Bunting: This might cheer him up. Rod Stewart’s just been sighted.

Hornblower (to Finch): You hear that!

Pellew (above deck): What is it?

Bracegirdle: Billy Joel!

Pellew: Who?!!

Bracegirdle: It’s Billy Joel!

Pellew: (seething) Get the men below decks. Tell them to cover their ears with their hands.

Scene 13: Pellew, Foster and Hornblower at dinner. Foster is boasting about his supposed victory.

Foster: Am I to presume, Captain Pellew, that you would have surrendered the Rod Stewart tickets?

Pellew: This is hardly the time nor the place to discuss tactics.

Foster: Come, we are all men of the sea, here. You (turning to Hornblower), what would you have done?

Hornblower: I am pleased that no tickets have been sacrificed.

(Pellew gets upset and leaves the dinner table in a huff).

Scene 14: Bunting sprouts mutinous talk.

Bunting: Rod Stewart doesn’t write his own songs.

Matthews: Who told yer that?

Bunting: …Sometimes he mimes them as well.

Hornblower: (overhearing) Bunting! A word.

Bunting: Sir…I’m sorry, Sir…I was out of place in what I said.

Hornblower: Indeed you were. I understand that you prefer Billy Joel to Rod Stewart. Is this true?

Bunting: Sir, begging your pardon, Sir, but I do like his songs.

Hornblower: I too, like a singer who is not favoured by the crew, and that is why you’re not already in irons. But you must understand there can be no excuse for mutinous songs.

Bunting: Yes, Sir.

Hornblower: I’ll be watching the men closely. If they start humming Billy Joel tunes, I’ll know who to blame.

Scene 15: The steward alerts Hornblower to something suspicious going on.

Steward: I could hear the music coming from here. (Opens door).

Hornblower: Bunting, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!!!

Bunting: (cries) I hate Rod Stewart!! I hate him!!!

Scene 16: Pellew yells at Bunting.

Pellew: WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YA? HA? That would listen to Billy Joel? Have you nooo shame? I despair him, I really do…

Bunting: Please, Sir…It was a moment’s madness-

Pellew: QUIET!! The punishment shall fit the crime! Hornblower, you will lead him through the gauntlet. Let them show their disgust for this…creature!

Scene 17: Bunting is lead through the gauntlet.

Pellew: This man is a heretic! He was caught listening to Billy Joel, in the hold. Any man going easy on him shall be implicated in the heresy.

(Bunting is flogged.)

Pellew: Let this be a lesson to you all. The next man caught listening to Billy Joel in the hold shall hang, from the yardarm!

Scene 18: Hornblower, Tapling and the crew are negotiating at Oran.

Tapling: We will give the gold, when we have a closer look at the Rod Stewart tickets.

(examines tickets). Very good, Yefendi.

(The tickets are loaded onto the boat. The leader of Oran then topples over with illness).

Tapling: Oh my God, Hornblower! Billy Joel has been here! It’s the Black Death!…That man has been close enough to Billy Joel, to hear him sing, to catch his breath. Have you seen nine out of ten men die with putrid fevers from listening to Billy Joel? I have.

Hornblower: Damn it, we can do something about it!

Scene 19: Hornblower announces the bad news to Pellew.

Hornblower: Bad news, I’m afraid, Sir. Billy Joel has been at Oran.

Bracegirdle: Then they are already dead, Sir.

Pellew: Yes, enough of that!

Bracegirdle: You will lose the Caroline and all the Rod Steward tickets on it.

Pellew: Yes, but I must weigh up that fact with the possibility of getting backstage passes, and to me that is of far greater importance. (To Hornblower) Very well. Take the Caroline and report back here in three weeks.

Hornblower: Aye aye Sir. And Sir - my CD’s, Sir.

Pellew: CD’s?

Hornblower: Rod Stewart CD’s, Sir.

Pellew: Yes, right…see to it. I hope…I hope you find time to listen to them.

Hornblower: Thank you, Sir.

Scene 20: (Foster steals some of the cargo from the Caroline).

Hornblower: What the hell is that boat doing?!

Foster: Surely you could spare us the back-row seat tickets to the Rod Stewart concert?

Hornblower: But those tickets have been in Oran, a country where Billy Joel has been.

Foster: Mr Hornblower, you will surrender the tickets to me, or I shall have to take them by force, if necessary.

Hornblower: Then the tickets are yours, Sir. And the responsibility is yours, also.

Foster: I shall see you in three weeks at the Rod Stewart concert, Mr Hornblower!

Scene 21: Hornblower has led an impressive victory against the French.

Matthews: They are surrendering, Sir! They are surrendering their EXCLUSIVE BACKSTAGE PASSES!

Hornblower: Launch boats to pick up floating tickets, Matthews.

Matthews: Aye aye, Sir.

Scene: Rod Stewart gives a concert attended by Pellew and the entire Indefatigable crew, minus Hornblower. Rod Stewart’s first song is “Sailing”, which goes as follows: