Captain
Foster and the Suntan Lotion
This scene
takes place in episode two when Mr Tapling arrives as an officer of His
Majesty’s diplomatic service
The
merchants from Oran have boarded the Indefatigable with their treasures
for trade. They assemble in Captain Pellew’s cabin along with Mr. Tapling,
Hornblower and Captain Pellew. Captain Pellew looks indifferent and
condescending because the merchants have a funny odor and they are taking up
too much space in his cabin. Mr. Tapling is there to explain and evaluate what
the merchants have to offer so the British don’t get ripped off.
“Oh,
look at that,” says Mr. Tapling delightfully at a big, hideous copper water
jug. “This is a rare copper jug from Ancient Persia, trimmed with precious
stones from the Far East.”
“Looks
like an ugly piss-pot to me,” says Captain Pellew. He is not amused and just
watches it being passed over to Mr. Tapling for close examination.
Other
items follow.
Tapling:
“Skin of Tiger, excellent for keeping a Captain warm on cold nights on the
sea.”
Pellew
(aside to Hornblower): “What kind of man would have the audacity to wear a dead
cat around his shoulders?”
Hornblower
(shrugging): “Maybe it’s a common practice of theirs.”
Pellew:
“Nonsense!”
Tapling:
“Elephant semen lotion, a wonderful and effective remedy for sunburn.”
Pellew
(aside, again to Hornblower): “God this is making me angry! How
disgusting!”
Hornblower
tries not to laugh.
Tapling:
“A chest full of linen squares soaked with rare jasmine perfume.” He opens the box.
Pellew leans over to have a sniff but then recoils in disappointment. “It looks
like a boxful of oily rags!”
Tapling:
“A book of the Arabian Nights.”
Pellew:
“As if any of us can read the language!”
Tapling:
“And finally, a sackful of sand.”
Pellew
rolls his eyes. “Alright, that’s enough, the lot of ya. I order you to take
these damned things and get off my ship immediately.”
Mr.
Tapling: “Sir, the merchants will not leave until you do trade with them…that
is the custom, unless you wish to incite international warfare.”
Pellew
is about to swear loudly when he catches sight of Captain “Dreadnought” Foster
outside his window, lying in the sun. Pellew realises how embarrassing it would
be if Foster caught him in this awkward situation, especially when his
provisions are too precious to trade off for useless goods. Captain Pellew
turns back to the merchants. “Alright, Mr. Tapling, give these merchants a
sackful of grain for the elephant se……se…..”
Tapling:
“Semen?”
Pellew:
“Yes, that’s the one. The rest of the stuff can go back with them to Oran.”
* * * *
Later on, Foster wakes up
complaining and moaning that he’s sunburnt. He snaps at Pellew “Is there
nothing you can do for me, Captain, to ease my limbs?” Pellew orders the
servants to “apply the lotion brought from Oran to Captain Foster. And make
sure you apply it generously.” Hornblower is standing next to him and looks
shocked. Pellew, who is now in a much better mood, says “Well, what’s the
matter, Mr Hornblower? Surely the Captain will be pleased I sacrificed a bag of
grain to save his burning skin.”
Later
on, Mr. Foster comes charging into Pellew’s cabin and roars (or squawks,
rather): “It’ll be a sorry day in hell the day this Captain lets a man rub
elephant semen all over him!”
Pellew
(looking innocent): “Who told you that, Sir?”
Foster:
“I piss on your ignorance! Mr. Tapling indeed told me what it was when I
inquired as to the manner of the lotion that was applied all over my poor body,
Sir!” And then, before Pellew can speak, Foster continues: “You can have it on
good authority that your superior officers will hear about this! Mark my words
they shall!!” And he charges back out of Pellew’s cabin.
Then
the camera does a slow close up of Captain Pellew, and a small smile of
satisfaction creeps over his face.
*****