After an intense 48-hour
medical examination, Don Alfredo Massaredo’s doctor comes out of the room and
diagnoses Archie with no fewer than 25 illnesses:
1/ Anorexia
2/ Bulimia
3/ Ingrown toenail
4/ Migraine
5/ Paranoia
6/ Schizophrenia
7/ Scurvy
8/ Agoraphobia
9/ Attention Deficit Disorder
(ADD)
10/ Depression
11/ Compulsive Obsessive
Disorder
12/ Acne
13/ Hernia
14/ Incontinence
15/ Near-sightedness
16/ Asthma
17/ Shingles
18/ Measles/Mumps
19/ Pleurisy
20/ Mouth ulcers
21/ Laryngitis
22/ Conjunctivitis
23/ Food poisoning
24/ Impotence
25/ Fever
“Impotence?” quizzes
Hornblower when he reads the list.
“Er, sorry,” says the doctor.
“That is what I am treating Don Alfredo for. That actually should read
‘Epileptic fits’.”
“Oh I see,” says Hornblower.
He continues to study the list carefully. He notices that out of the 25
illnesses listed, four of them are related to malnutrition, another four are
mental disorders, two problems are related to eyes, three are related to skin
ailments, two are related to mouth and throat problems, three are organ
disorders and the rest are related to lack of control over bodily functions,
feet problems, irregular brain patters and the fit is a disorder of the nervous
system.
The doctor can sense
Hornblower’s scepticism. “Actually” says the doctor “what Mr Kennedy is
suffering from is an extremely rare condition known as ‘Simpsonitis’. The
illnesses on that list are just the symptoms. If only we could find the root
cause of his illness we could eliminate all the symptoms!”
“Simpson, did you say?” says
Hornblower.
“No, I said SYMPTOMS,” says
the doctor.
“Oh,” says Hornblower, and
they stare at each other.
Luckily, Hornblower’s act of mishearing has given him an idea.
Hornblower goes back to
Archie’s cell and for the first time tells him that Pellew has done away with
Simpson good and proper.
“He’s dead, Archie,” assures
Hornblower. “He won’t be able to harm us anymore.”
On hearing this Archie
immediately recovers from incontinence, paranoia, compulsive obsessive disorder
and hernia.
Then over the next couple of
days Hornblower manages to get Kennedy on a regular diet roast beef, ham and
eggs, trout or three plus some much needed Vitamin C from the fresh fruit the
Duchess picks for him. This cures Archie of all illnesses relating to
malnutrition, including migraines caused by lack of food.
At the final stages
Hornblower manages to coax Archie to “come outside” and have lengthy
discussions about planning an escape. At first Archie does a lot of “hmmm?” and
“wha -?” to the questions being put to him by Hornblower, but pretty soon his
attention span returns to normal and he no longer has the voice of Simpson echoing
in his head. He is thus cured from ADD, Schizophrenia, and agoraphobia.
Don Alfredo also permits
Archie to take a long-overdue bath and borrow his razor, comb and nail
clippers, which helps to mitigate his acne and in-grown toenail problems.
Ironically, by the time
Hunter makes a rash attempt to escape, Kennedy is almost fully recovered and
has loads of great hints about how to escape (During one discussion Kennedy
confides to Hornblower “you could always hide yourself in the back of a
donkey’s cart and be ridden out of town, or pop yourself in an empty barrel
when the wine sellers come just like in Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.”)
Hunter’s escape attempt fails
miserably. Luckily, though, they make it back to the Indy before
Hornblower’s desire to honour his parole sees them coming back under a flag of
truce. Archie is still prone to sniffles and is still slightly depressed
(mainly because his eyesight hasn’t got any better and he still has sporadic
epileptic fits). However somewhere in his fragile heart he feels stronger and
more alive, and when he comes back to the prison and announces “this almost
feels like home” he also declares he is determined to “never be poor or hungry
again!”
*****