ROCK LOBSTERS

 

Note: The term “Big Day Out” refers to an annual event in Sydney (mostly for teenagers), where numerous bands come to perform live.

 

Part One:

 

All is well aboard H.M.S. Renown. The ship is well maintained, and all the marines, crewmen, midshipmen and lieutenants happily go about their day-to-day duties. One morning, Captain Sawyer observes just how much everything is running so smoothly. He is in a particularly good mood and decides that it’s time to give the ship’s company a real treat; he decides to organise a concert on board the Renown in order to raise spirits among the marines (or “lobsters” as they are often called), as well as the rest of the crew.

 

“…And it will be the best music concert EVER!!” shouts Sawyer happily from the poopdeck, as he informs all the men of his new idea.

 

“YAY!” come the cries from below.

 

After this particularly delightful speech, Sawyer has a meeting in his cabin with all the other lieutenants.

 

“This is a rather bold move, Sir,” states Hornblower to Sawyer.

 

“With respect Sir, I must say that I agree with Mr. Hornblower,” adds Bush.

 

“Yes, indeed. I fear this is a venture too far,” pitches in Buckland.

 

“Aren’t you all being rather pessimistic?” questions Kennedy to the other three lieutenants, “I mean, shouldn’t we be grateful that Captain Sawyer is giving us this wonderful treat?”

 

Sawyer is appalled at Hornblower, Bush and Buckland for their lack of enthusiasm, but is much obliged to Mr. Kennedy for sharing his logic.

 

“Very well,” says Sawyer, “Seeing as though you, Mr. Kennedy, are the only one to show any support at all for this upcoming event, the task of organising and co-ordinating it will be given to YOU!”

 

Kennedy gulps. He wasn’t quite prepared for that.

 

“But I am a senior officer,” says Bush.

 

“No, Mr. Bush – You obviously do not approve of such a venture, and therefore, I leave the important task of signing up big-name rock-stars to come and perform at the Big Day Out to Mr. Kennedy.”

 

Hornblower looks at Kennedy, and Kennedy, who is very surprised, looks back at Hornblower. Mr. Bush looks at Kennedy with an expressionless face, except for a hint of scorn. Mr. Buckland studies Sawyer for a moment to see any signs of madness, but to no avail.

 

“Good day, gentlemen,” says Sawyer, and he storms out of the cabin.

 

* * *

The next morning, which happens to be a rather chilly morning, Kennedy decides he needs to go somewhere quiet and peaceful, where he can think properly about which musicians he should invite to the Big Day Out. So he decides to go the hold, due to the fact that it is always quiet and warm down there. But as he approaches the hold, he hears a voice whispering away angrily to himself. Kennedy becomes very curious, and tries to determine whom the voice belongs to. ‘It wouldn’t be Hornblower because he’s on watch at the moment. In fact, it wouldn’t be any of the lieutenants,’ Archie thinks to himself.

 

Just then, Kennedy realises that the unidentified person – whoever it is – is trying to manoeuvre a white rabbit into a tall, magician’s hat. Kennedy is absolutely astonished at such bizarre behaviour. ‘If it’s any of the crewmen, I’ll have them flogged. Who in their right mind would want to become a magician anyway?’ Kennedy muses.

 

As he moves closer to the person, Kennedy becomes very surprised when he realises who it actually is.

 

“Doctor Clive??”

 

Doctor Clive jumps up with a startle, and bumps his head on the roof.

 

“What??! Who is it?”

 

“It’s Kennedy, Sir.”

 

“Don’t you know better than to scare me like that, Mr. Kennedy??!”

 

“I’m sorry, Sir. I didn’t know you were here, Sir.”

 

“And what are you doing here, Mr. Kennedy?”

 

“I just needed a quiet spot where I could think,” replies Kennedy. He added: “And may I ask what you’re doing here, Sir?”

 

“Well, I heard you needed magicians for the Big Day Out. I thought perhaps I could do an act,” Clive says secretively.

 

“Um, I actually need musicians, Doctor Clive. Not magicians.” He resists the urge to say, “It’ll be a long time before people mistake you for David Copperfield, anyhow.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Just then, Bush walks past them and asks, “What’s going on here?”

 

“…If you’ll excuse me,” says Clive, and he scurries off, carrying his hat, with the rabbit’s ears sticking out of it. Kennedy tries not to laugh.

 

Bush then turns to Archie. “You’re definitely going to have Pearl Jam, aren’t you?”

 

“What?”

 

“Pearl Jam. For the Big Day Out, remember?”

 

Archie has no idea who Pearl Jam are, but he replies, “Oh – yes indeed, Mr Bush.”

 

“Because if they’re not there, they’ll be trouble,” threatens Bush, “They are my favourite band, and I have all of their albums. And I will not miss this golden opportunity to see them perform live, do you hear?”

 

“Yes, Mr Bush,’ replies Archie again.

 

With that, Bush walks off. So Archie tries to contact Pearl Jam, whoever they are, because of Bush’s insistence that Pearl Jam MUST perform at the Big Day Out.

 

* * *

The next day, Kennedy rings up Greenday to ask if they are interested in doing the concert.

 

“…Because we are all absolute lovers of musicians that discuss environmental issues,” Archie persuades. But Greenday aren’t impressed, and the receiving end produces a prolonged ring-tone.

 

So he tries Nelly Furtado. But she apologizes, and says that she is rather busy at the moment, and therefore won’t be able to do the concert.

 

* * *

Over the next few weeks, Sawyer is building up anticipation among the crew that this will be the best music festival ever in the entire British naval history. This puts Kennedy under enormous pressure, as he finds some of the big-name acts just a little hard to come by. It also doesn’t help that his knowledge of popular music is rather scant. But he doesn’t want to betray his ignorance, or the difficulty of the situation.

 

* * *

One afternoon, Hornblower notices Archie looking particularly stressed, and decides to approach him.

 

“How’s it all going, Archie?” asks Horatio.

 

Kennedy clasps his hands nervously as he relays to Horatio all the famous rock-stars that he’s supposedly managed to sign up so far.

 

“…Shaggy, Destiny’s Child, Silverchair – they’re all coming,” Archie says.

 

“Oh, and I suppose you managed to get hold of Jeff Buckley as well?” asks Horatio casually.

 

“Yes, yes, Jeff Buckley has been confirmed,” assures Archie.

 

Small pause.

 

“He’s dead, Archie,” says Hornblower flatly.

 

Kennedy looks up sharply with his mouth gaping wide open, and teeth gritting together. Kennedy closes his mouth again and regains his composure. “The truth is, Horatio, I haven’t managed to book a single act.”

 

Hornblower sighed with disdain. Why did Kennedy always have to complicate things, he wondered?

 

“Archie,” said Horatio with a sigh. “Why on earth did you tell Captain Sawyer that you had a long list of acts? – longer than the Nile, you said!!”

 

“Because every day Captain Sawyer has been informing the crew about how big this festival is going to be, Horatio,” started Kennedy in a panicky voice. “I had to keep up appearances that all is going well with the plan, you see.”

 

“Archie,” Horatio sighed again. “If Sawyer finds out you haven’t got a single act for this festival, there won’t be a single friend left on the ship who will be able to defend your honour at a court-martial, if it should come to that, which, knowing Captain Sawyer, it probably will.”

 

“I know,” said Kennedy with dismay, “but you don’t know how hard it is trying to influence these big name stars to come and perform on the Renown. Trent Renzor from Nine Inch Nails told me…told me to…” At this point, Kennedy whispers into Hornblower’s ear what Trent Renzor had told him to do. Horatio’s eyes grew wide at the number of obscenities Kennedy had uttered in a single sentence.

 

“He said that, did he?” asked Horatio incredulously. “Well what about Geri Halliwell?”

 

“She wasn’t interested either. She told me I could take my music festival and shove it up my– ”

 

“ARCHIE! I will not tolerate filth.”

 

“Sorry. But you can appreciate how hard it is. If only Pearl Jam– ”

 

“If only?” At the mention of his favourite band, Bush comes sailing into the room to hear what Kennedy has to say about them. “You were saying, Mr. Kennedy?” prompted Bush.

 

“Ah, Pearl Jam, yes…” Archie stole a furtive glance at Horatio, who was challenging him with a hard stare to be honest about the situation. Kennedy quickly broke eye contact with Hornblower and replied, “Just saying how Pearl Jam are a popular group, Mr. Bush. It’s great to have them performing at the Big Day Out.” Kennedy glanced back at Horatio and saw that he was positively burning a hole through him.

 

“And a fine band, indeed,” agreed Bush. “I am very much looking forward to their performance on the Renown.” He stared at the two of them before sailing out of the room again.

 

Kennedy looked at Hornblower again and saw not a hint of sympathy in that gaze, only contempt for his despicable act of cowardice.

 

“Anyway, as I was saying,” continued Archie, ignoring Horatio’s hard stare, “if only Peal Jam would come to the show.”

 

“What’s the trouble with them?” asks Horatio.

 

“Well, I spoke to their assistant, and she thinks that they’re far too above it. She added that if I won’t pay them a cent, they’d certainly never do it.”

 

“What about other bands?”

 

“I just can’t even get in touch with them! Their people won’t talk to my people.”

 

“Your people? WHAT people?” asks Horatio in disbelief.

 

“Oh, all right, all right – you’re correct. I don’t have ANY people. Just my poor self to organise these blasted negotiations. I can’t believe Sawyer didn’t give me an assistant to help me out a little!”

 

At the mention of this, Archie and Horatio look at each other. They are both thinking the same thing.

 

“Oh no – never,” says Hornblower, despite Archie’s bluer version of puppy-dog eyes, “I won’t be a part of this.”

 

“But Horatiooooo!”

 

“No.”

 

“Pleeeease?”

 

“NO!!”

 

* * *

 

Part Two:

 

“I tried so hard, and got so far. In the end, it doesn’t even matterrrrr……” Styles sings to himself one morning as he does his duties.

 

“Styles, lets have less griping there!” Kennedy commands.

 

“Sorry, Sir. It’s ‘In The End’ by Linkin Park, Sir.” Styles is surprised that Kennedy can’t even recognise the lyrics to everybody’s favourite song aboard the Renown.

 

“Er, yes, carry on then,” says Kennedy, and he starts to walk away before Styles can ask him any questions about the Big Day Out. But he barely walks two steps before Styles starts to speak.

 

“Sir?” asks Styles.

 

“Yes Styles, what is it?” asks Kennedy cautiously as he turns back round.

 

“Will Linkin Park be making it to the Big Day Out?”

 

“They’re a damn fine band,” adds Matthews.

 

“Well, umm, ah,” starts Kennedy, “well, er………Hey! What’s that over there??!!!” points Archie in another direction. But Matthews and Styles don’t fall for it. They just stand there, staring at Archie.

 

“Well, if you MUST know,” continues Kennedy, trying to sound confident, “Linkin Park are INDEED coming to the Big Day Out…(gradually raises his voice), It was… It was… It was going to be a surprise, but it isn’t anymore, ALL THANKS TO YOU!” and he storms off in a huff. Matthews and Styles exchange inquisitive glances at Lieutenant Kennedy’s most peculiar behaviour.

 

* * *

Now, it is just three days before the Big Day Out, and so far, Greenday, Nelly Furtado, Pearl Jam, Nine Inch Nails, Shaggy, Destiny’s Child, Silverchair, Linkin Park, The Offspring, Alien Ant Farm, Creed, Mick Jagger, George Michael, Alanis Morissette, Alicia Keys, Kylie Minogue, Dannii Minogue, Geri Halliwell, Victoria Beckhem, Emma Bunton, Shakira, Mary J. Blige, Roger Sanchez, Garbage, Pink, Incubus, Grinspoon, Eminem, Enrique Iglesias, Foo Fighters, No Doubt, and Jennifer Lopez have all declined.

 

Kennedy even went so far as to try and get Vanilla Ice, but no cigar.

 

However, there WAS one singer who agreed to perform.

 

* * *

The big day has finally arrived. All the ship’s company are waiting excitedly. Kennedy is standing on the poopdeck.

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” Kennedy raises his voice to the crowd, “As you may all know, I was given the task of facilitating this wonderful event, and was very pleased to be given such an honour. Contrary to what people may think, organising the Big Day Out is no simple task. It requires patience, communication skills and–”

 

“GET ON WITH IT!” shouts Randall.

 

Kennedy becomes even more nervous than he already is. However, he presses on. “And without further ado, it is my pleasure to present the first act for this show – ENYA!!”

 

Enya appears. The crowd goes silent. Enya clears her voice and then starts to sing “Orinoco Flow.” Archie walks off the stage.

 

“Enya?! What’s she bloody doing here?” asks Styles to no one in particular.

 

“Let me sail, let me sail,
Let the orinoco flow,
Let me reach, let me beach
on the shores of Tripoli.
Let me sail, let me sail,
Let me crash upon your shore,
Let me reach, let me beach
far beyond the Yellow Sea.
 
De de de de, de
de de de de, de
de de de de, de
de de de de, de
de de de de, de

Sail away, sail away, sail away.
Sail away, sail away, sail away.
Sail away, sail away, sail away.
Sail away, sail away, sail away……………”

 Meanwhile, Kennedy meets up with Hornblower.

 

“ENYA???!!!!!” says Hornblower in disbelief. “Are you out of your mind, Archie? Is that the best you could do??”

 

“She’s singing that “sail away” song. How appropriate!” says Archie, ignoring Horatio’s remark.

 

“Archie! I said, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND??” asks Horatio, annoyed.

 

“NO, I am not! And what’s wrong with Enya, anyway? I like her!” replies Archie.

 

“Yes, and so do I. But you know what I mean, Archie – the crowd won’t stand for it! Let alone Captain Sawyer!”

 

“I know,” admits Archie with dismay, “It won’t be long before she gets booed off stage.”

 

After Enya finishes singing “Orinoco Flow”, there is a big raucous in the audience. As Kennedy predicted, she gets booed off stage.

 

Enya is none to pleased with this. She spots Archie trying (unsuccessfully) to hide behind Horatio, walks right up to him, and gives him a stern slap round his face.

 

“Ouch!” says Kennedy as she leaves in a hurry, “I was going to ask for her autograph!”

 

Just then, Doctor Clive comes out of nowhere, and pushes his way through the audience. He is wearing a big black cape with red lining on the inside, and a tall black hat, and has a magician’s wand in his hand.

 

“He always wanted to be a magician,” whispers Horatio to Archie.

 

“I wonder what he’s going to do,” whispers Archie back.

 

“Maybe his performance will be a success, and he’ll save the show. And then you’ll be let off the hook,” says Horatio hopefully.

 

“Now, I will need a volunteer for my first trick,” says Doctor Clive knowingly.

 

Archie puts up his hand.

 

“All right, Mr. Kennedy,” says Clive. He then pulls out a deck of cards and fans them out in his hands. “Now pick a card, any card. But don’t show it to me.”

 

Archie obeys.

 

“Take a good look at it, Mr. Kennedy.” Archie does so. His card is the Six of Diamonds.

 

Clive then shuffles the remaining cards several times.

 

“Now put your card back into the deck.” Archie does so.

 

Then Clive shuffles the deck one more time, and turns over the cards. He starts inspecting each one carefully. Nearly two and a half minutes pass, but he hasn’t found the card that Mr. Kennedy had picked. Just as the crowd begins to get fed up, Dr Clive shrieks, “I have found the card you picked, Mr. Kennedy!!”

 

Archie’s face brightens a little.

 

“Was the card you picked the Jack of Hearts, Mr. Kennedy??!”

 

“Well, no,” says Kennedy.

 

Doctor Clive’s face changes from a wide grin to a totally confused frown.

 

“Well, it must have been the Ace of Spades.”

 

Archie shakes his head.

 

“Then surely it was the Seven of Clubs.”

 

Archie shakes his head. There is total silence in the audience.

 

“Was…Was that the trick, then?” asks Kennedy hopefully.

 

“Enough of that!!!” snaps Clive at Archie. “Er, the show’s over, ladies and gentlemen.” With that, a big puff of smoke explodes and Clive flees at full speed.

 

After that, every man in the crowd has his eyes laid on Kennedy. Kennedy notices this, and quickly says, “Er, it’s lunch break. Everyone is dismissed. Meet back here in half an hour.” And he disappears.

 

Horatio follows Archie all the way to his cabin. Archie is positively panicking. Horatio starts to open his mouth to speak, but Kennedy interrupts.

 

“Don’t!” says Kennedy.

 

“Don’t what?” replies Hornblower.

 

“Don’t give me a lecture, for the love of God! I KNOW what you’re going to say – off by heart, in fact! – – ‘Archie, how could you be so stupid as to think you could’ve managed something as important as a Big Day Out; Archie, why didn’t you just tell the truth before it got this far; Archie, why do you always stuff things up? Archie this, Archie that!’ WELL I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, O.K.?”

 

Horatio gently approaches Archie. “Archie, I wasn’t going to say that all.”

 

“Then what were you going to say??”

 

“I was going to say: ………..WE NEED A PLAN AND FAST!!”

 

“What?! You actually want to help me out of this mess?”

 

“Indeed I do,” Horatio grins.

 

“Well, what do you suggest?”

 

Horatio ponders for a while. “Archie, can you estimate what percentage of the crowd like 70s music?”

 

“At least 75 percent, I should say. I know Captain Sawyer does.”

 

“And do you know any ABBA songs?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Do you own any ABBA costumes?”

 

“Yee-es, but–”

 

“Great! Now all we need to do is practice.”

 

“Practice? Practice doing ABBA? Are you mad?! Now who’s out of their mind?! I can’t believe YOU, of all people, would want to do this!”

 

“Archie, it’s not a matter of want! I don’t WANT to this at all! I’m only doing this to save your ar–”

 

“HORATIO! No need for filth, remember?” Archie says cheekily.

 

Horatio grins, “Quite right.”

 

* * *

After the lunchbreak, (which gave Horatio and Archie sufficient time to practice), they are ready to do their performance.

 

“Quick,” says Horatio. “We better go on stage now. The crowd is waiting.”

 

So Archie and Horatio come on stage. Archie is wearing a long blonde wig and a shiny white jumpsuit with flared pants (looking very much like Agnetha Fältskog from ABBA.) Horatio is wearing an electric-blue, glittery dress and a big curly wig (looking very much like Anni-Frid Lyngstad from ABBA). They are both wearing foam padded bras and stacks of glittery make-up – eyeshadow, mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, lipliner, foundation –  you name it, they’ve got it.

 

The music starts, and Horatio and Archie are singing at the top of their lungs: –

 

“My, my, at Waterloo Napoleon did surrender
Oh yeah, and I have met my destiny in quite a similar way
The history book on the shelf
Is always repeating itself

 

Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war
Waterloo - Promise to love you for ever more
Waterloo - Couldn't escape if I wanted to
Waterloo - Knowing my fate is to be with you
Waterloo - Finally facing my Waterloo………”

 

They are also dancing along to it, with excellent choreography skills, and doing the whole ABBA side-turning thing with their heads:

“My, my, I tried to hold you back but you were stronger
Oh yeah, and now it seems my only hope is giving up the fight
And how could I ever refuse
I feel like I win when I lose

Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war
Waterloo - Promise to love you for ever more
Waterloo - Couldn't escape if I wanted to
Waterloo - Knowing my fate is to be with you
Waterloo - Finally facing my Waterloo

So how could I ever refuse
I feel like I win when I lose –

 

Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war
Waterloo - Promise to love you for ever more
Waterloo - Couldn't escape if I wanted to
Waterloo - Knowing my fate is to be with you
Woowoowoowoo - Waterloo - Finally facing my Waterloooooo…………..”

 

They finish their act. The crowd go completely silent; not a single sound to be heard. Horatio and Archie stand perfectly still, filled with apprehension about whether the audience will like their performance or not. Then they suddenly spot Captain Sawyer himself standing amongst the crowd.

 

Slowly, Captain Sawyer nods his head with a grin, and starts clapping his hands in recognition. Soon Bush follows suit (he was never an ABBA-fan himself, but admits that they gave a damn-fine act). Soon Styles follows suit. And then Matthews. And pretty soon, the whole audience is cheering, laughing, whistling and applauding, until the whole frigate is filled with sound.

 

THE END