Hornblower and Pellew are
sitting in the kitchen in Pellew’s enormous holiday mansion. Pellew says “I
have something very special I want you do to for me, Mr Hornblower.”
Pellew leads Hornblower to
the garage and opens the shutter door. A shiny, black Lamborghini is sitting
there.
“Ever had a Lamborghini, Mr
Hornblower?” boasts Pellew.
“No Sir, not even a Station
Wagon” replies Hornblower humbly.
“Well, all that’s about to
change – for the moment at least” says Pellew, hoping Hornblower will catch on.
“Sir?”
How innocent the boy is
sometimes! thinks Pellew, and he explains: “ I want you to drive her across the
Spanish border to the English Hotel called Posh Palace. Here are the keys” and
he tosses them at Hornblower.
“Drive? Drive your
Lamborghini?” says Hornblower in anxious disbelief.
“Yes, drive Mr Hornblower.
It’s very simple. It’s when you turn the ignition on with the keys, put your
foot onto the accelerator and turn the wheel with your hands. Think you can
manage it?”
Hornblower nods slightly, but
before he can protest Pellew says “Good! You drive tomorrow.” So Hornblower
knows he has to obey.
****
“NO WAY!!!” shrieks Archie
when he hears about Hornblower’s good fortune. “Oh, you really are too lucky,
Horatio.”
“Yes, well, it’s only until I
get to Posh Palace, Archie. It’s not like it’s really my car” says Hornblower
phlegmatically, although secretly he too is brimming with excitement.
Then Archie has a whiz bang
idea: “Let me come with you” he says to Hornblower.
“Why?”
“My sweetheart, Clara, lives
right next door to Posh Palace. I’m sure she would love the sight of me pulling
up in a flash Lamborghini.”
Hornblower thinks this is a
good idea, as having Archie as company may relieve some of his anxiety about
crashing the car. It would also do good for Archie to get him out and about
after his recent ordeals.
Archie is looking at him
eagerly. “Well, Horatio?” he prompts.
“Alright, you can come.”
“YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!” squeals
Archie with delight, and pounds the wooden desk with his fists.
********
Hornblower and Archie are
cruising down a long stretch of road with the music of Village People blaring
from the stereo speakers. Archie knows all the words and sings all the songs at
the top of his lungs:
In the Navy yes you can sail the seven seas.
In the Navy yes you can put your mind at ease.
In the Navy, come on now people, make a stand.
In the Navy, can´t you see we need a hand.
In the Navy, come on, protect the motherland.
In the Navy, come on and join your fellow, man.
In the Navy, come on, people, and make a stand.
In the Navy, in the Navy.
When YMCA starts playing,
Archie turns to Horatio and asks “Do you know what YMCA is an acronym for,
Horatio?”
“Young Men’s Cricketing
Association?” says Hornblower, “I’m not really sure.”
“It stands for You will Marry
Clara, Archie” says Archie, and they both burst out laughing.
Then Hornblower has to slow
down because they see a car up ahead of them that is travelling at a snail’s
pace. Eventually they catch up so that they are sitting right behind the slow
car, which is a rusty old Datsun. However, Hornblower can’t overtake because
the road is too narrow and curving round a cliff, so they just have to sit it
out.
That doesn’t prevent Archie,
though, from screaming abuse out the window: “MOVE YOUR FREAKIN’ ASS YOU
IMBECILE!! GET MOVING OR GET OFF THE BLOODY ROAD!!” Hornblower joins in with an
angry toot of the horn.
Once the road widens a little
the car in front obligingly pulls over to the left to give way. As the black
Lambourghini surges past, Hornblower and Archie look over to see who the
imbecile is and discover it’s Captain Keane, looking very red faced.
Archie and Hornblower take
the Lord’s name in vain and being swearing out of sheer panic. Hornblower
doesn’t stop, but keeps driving and looking back to check and double check if
it really was Captain Keane in the car.
“LOOK OUT!!” cries Archie
suddenly, as a cattle herd with a farmer is seen up ahead.
“HELL!!” shouts Hornblower,
and to avoid hitting the cattle, swerves sharply to the right. The car veers
off the road and plunges down a valley at impetuous speed, where it eventually
slams into a tree.
Silence. All but for “You
Can’t Stop the Music” blaring from the speakers.
Archie and Hornblower are unharmed, but naturally are totally
shocked and stunned. As soon as his brain signals him to the situation,
Hornblower scrambles out of the wreckage to inspect the damage. When he sees
the car is a total write off, his ears and cheeks burn with horror, shame and
embarrassment.
“Oh my GOD, Archie” he says
to his friend, who has managed to crawl on the grass next to him “What EVER are
we going to tell Captain Pellew?”
*****
Somehow Archie and Hornblower
make it back to Posh Palace. Pellew isn’t due to arrive for another three days,
so it gives them time to come with a plausible story to explain what happened.
Hornblower, who is the more
morally conscious of the two, suggests that they should actually tell The
Truth.
“The Truth!!! Are you MAD?!!”
He’ll KILL you certain sure” rebukes Archie.
“Well, what do YOU suggest?”
snaps Hornblower.
Archie is weary of arguing.
“Tell him, Horatio” he croaks “that instead of the cows there was a woman on
the road….no, no, a woman with a BABY in her arms in the middle of the road and
we had to swerve to avoid her.”
Hornblower is not convinced.
“How do we explain the swearing to a superior officer? Swearing at a CAPTAIN –
for which the penalty is HANGING? And besides, what is a woman doing in the
middle of the road? Why isn’t she at home in the kitchen? And why were we
driving so fast?” Hornblower just goes on and on about their appalling
behaviour.
“Alright! Enough!” says
Archie angrily “You made your point!!” But the issue is not resolved, and on
the morning of the third day when Pellew is scheduled to arrive, they still
have not come up with a satisfactory explanation for the incident.
Pellew arrives at 10.00am as
scheduled looking tanned and relaxed.
“Well, Mr Hornblower” he says,
taking off his sunglasses, “I trust you had a smooth ride from Spain to
England?”
“Yes…Sir” is all Hornblower
manages to say.
“So, where is she?” Pellew
inquires, referring to his beloved Lamborghini. No answer. “C’mon, where is
she?” Pellew prompts, and jokingly adds “You haven’t crashed her, have you?”
Hornblower and Archie
exchange looks. The smile fades from Pellew’s face. “Oh don’t tell me…” Pellew
begins “You can’t be serious….”
Hornblower starts waffling
about how there was a woman on the road with a baby in her arms, who was there
because she needed to buy milk, and also about the spider that appeared from
nowhere and crawled down the inside of his pants while driving (this was
another excuse suggested by Archie).
Archie stares at the ground
while all this is being said and wishes to God that Horatio would just shut up.
Pellew naturally is furious,
but more so that Hornblower would dare lie to him like that. His pupils shrink
into tiny dots of fury, his nostrils flare, he grits his pointy teeth, his ears
turn red and he gives them an almighty tongue lashing.
The hotel staff at reception
pause in their duties as they can hear certain phrases echoing through the
walls: “WHAT KIND OF MEN ARE YOU????…………YOU ARE A PAIR OF FREAKING DISABLED
MORONS!!!! ……DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I AM STUPID???!!”
Pellew goes on and on. When
he has finished screaming, he spits out the question: “For the last time,
gentleman, who was responsible for the damage to the car?”
“It was me” says Archie, and
Hornblower looks sharply at him.
“You?” says Pellew
incredulously.
“Yes me…the truth is” says
Archie sighing “Is that I had a fit while Mr Hornblower was driving. I started
ranting and raving…I believe I may have even offended Captain Keane in the
process, that for which I am truly sorry. Mr Hornblower here has had little
experience with dealing with basket cases like me, and so naturally did all he
could to keep the situation under control. Given these circumstances, Mr
Hornblower did well to keep both of us out of danger. I’m afraid I’m not much
of a brave man, Captain Pellew, and all those things you said about me being a
bucket load of sea-sickness and a spineless, pretentious, stunted, pug-nosed,
baby-faced, drama-queen, mummy’s boy, whining little brat is true.”
Pellew is touched by Mr
Kennedy’s honesty, although a part of him is sceptical that every word of his
confession is true. As a compromise, Pellew orders the pair to spend six months
of community service in the nursing home for retired officers, including former
Captains of the British Navy, all of whom are now suffering the various effects
of old age, such as Alzheimer’s disease. Although Hornblower and Archie are
allocated menial tasks such as reading books to the patients and wiping up
their vomit, they are grateful they still have their necks, and every so often
will look up from what they are doing and give each other a smile across the
room.
********
Epilogue:
Immediately after the
punishment was issued, Pellew went into a small room to calm down. He sighed,
took out some dispatches from his breast pocket, and with another long sigh
tore up the dispatches that was to transfer ownership of the Lamborghini to
Hornblower for providing exceptional service to the British Navy.