Extra! Extra! Ringo Auditions For The Role Of Hamlet!

 

By Laura, reporting from England.

 

POPULAR MEMBER OF THE BEATLES RINGO STARR has recently auditioned for the title-role of Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Starr had been wishing to pursue a career in acting on stage and film since the late 1970s. His success in landing main characters has not been so good, but Starr is still hopeful, “I refuse to be beaten!!”, he said last week to a reporter, puffing his chest out proudly, as if he were a peacock. “And that’s why I’m auditioning for this role. I actually hadn’t known anything about Shakespeare or his plays, but when someone revealed to me that Hamlet was some bloke who couldn’t make up his mind, it really appealed to me. I’m pretty sure I’ll be successful this time.”

 

However, the small English theatre-production company by the name of Dramatic Thespians turned Ringo down, saying, “He was not really right for the part.” When Starr heard of this, he was naturally disappointed, and even more furious that the part had gone to a Mr. Samuel West, a British actor. “I was shocked. I was sure I had the part. They gave the part to some other guy called Sam East…or was it Sam South? And I certainly never heard of him before. Favouritism! Bloody favouritism!!” he said.

 

“I thought my ‘To be or not to be’ soliloquy was groundbreaking! I even used my talent by improvising, because I couldn’t remember anything past ‘To be or not to be’…Was that even the question?,” he inquired.

 

Some examples of his “improvisation” were as follows:

 

To be or not to be

What was the question?

Me uncle’s killed me father

To die, to sleep like a log

Whether ‘tis nobler to suffer

A Hard Days’ Night

Or collapse as a result of alcoholism

Frailty thy name is Eleanor Rigby

Who never stood a chance

Whether ‘tis nobler to be

Under the Sea or

In an Octopus’ Garden in the shade

And yet within a month

The Beatles were the No. 1 band!

But I’m sure Claudius and me

Will work it out anyway

…If he can see it my way, yeah yeah yeah

 

Sam West declined several interview requests regarding Starr’s bitterness, merely pointing out Ringo’s “lack of recent experience” in the acting profession.

 

“SO HE DOES QUESTION IT!”, roared Ringo, “Who does he think he is? The Earl of Edrington??!!!”  He also added, “I have every bit of qualification necessary; I’m best friends with Kenneth Branagh, which is the closest thing to a PhD in Dramatic Arts.”

 

Branagh denies ever having met Ringo Starr.                                                            

 

But all is not lost for Ringo; he is seriously being considered for the part of Quasimodo in the latest version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, by RADBC, the Royal Academy of Desperate British Celebrities.

 

************