Scene One: General Charette, Captain Pellew,
and Admiral Hood are all sitting in a large, well furnished room, with a clock
on the wall in the shape of a pizza.
Admiral Hood: General Charette is going to open pizza
franchises in Muzillac. And we’re going to help him do it.
Pellew: How many pizzas do you expect
to sell?
Charette: 10,000, maybe 20,000 in our
first year of operation. Do I have your support?
Hood: You can
depend on Captain Pellew’s full support.
Scene Two: A nice looking young man gets
brutally stabbed. He staggers into the building where Hood and Pellew are in.
Stabbed man: (Gasping) The – the recipe!
Minder: Gone my
Lord!
Hood: (to Pellew) He was carrying
the secret recipe containing the secret pizza plans containing secret
ingredients including the secret 11 herbs and spices.
Pellew: My God!
Hood: (shrugs). Oh well. We’ll
just do without the secret herbs and spices. But if worst comes to worst,
ensure you instruct General Charette to use plenty of extra basil.
Scene
Three: Pellew explains plan to
his senior officers, during which they ask unnecessary questions.
Kennedy: A monopoly?
Pellew: (rousing). Mr Kennedy! Four
franchises can hardly be called a monopoly!
Hornblower: May we be permitted to know what
sort of pizzas we will be making?
Pellew: No.
Bowles: Then what
is the point sir?
Pellew: (angry and defensive) The
POINT, Mr Bowles, is that we have been asked to cook Pizzas. And when we have
been given a pizza order we fulfil it within 30 minutes! (softer) I know,
gentlemen, cooking caviar would seem less cavalier, but as it is, the people of
Muzillac are starving, and they have a taste for pizza.
Scene
four: Hornblower and
Kennedy make their way down to the docs to start loading the pizza ingredients
required. Then General Charette and his army arrive to oversee the operation,
and Charette gives his inspiring speech to the men:
Charette: Aujourd’hui
est un grand joure,
Nous avons la
mission de faire les meillure Pizzas dous le monde
Edrington: (to no one
in particular) Do you care to translate?
Hornblower: He is
saying:
‘Today is a great
day
We have been sent
on a mission to make the best pizzas in the world’
Charette: de mince et croquant a poele
Hornblower: ‘from thin n’ crispy to pan fried’
Charette: ces Francais vont connatre que
ces Pizzas extraordinaire
Hornblower: ‘these Frenchmen will know that
these extraordinary pizzas’
Charette: ont ete faits en France
Hornblower: ‘are made in France’
Charette: Viv
la Pizza!
All: Viv la Pizza!
Hornblower: (to Edrington) Major – I’ll have my
men take your order for you if you like.
Edrington: Very well, oh, and by-the-by, it
might be better to give me a tip. I am in fact, the pizza delivery boy (trots
off).
Kennedy: (bowled over by his humbleness).
See Horatio? If you give him enough change in tips, pretty soon he’ll have
enough money to buy a proper uniform. Then he can make pizzas instead.
Scene
five: Edrington’s first
job as pizza delivery boy is to bake a pizza for Colonel Moncoutant. Moncoutant
has ordered a Meat Lovers Pizza. Hornblower is supervising the operation as
Matthews and Styles get the pizza ready.
Matthews: How big is the pizza tray sir?
Hornblower: Well, I’d imagine it’s a bit bigger
than the pizza, Matthews.
Matthews: Sir?
Hornblower: Er, never mind. Just put plenty of
extra pepperoni.
(Edrington rides
horse to deliver pizza to Moncoutant, who greedily sinks teeth in proffered
slice)
Moncoutant: (spluttering in disgust). You fool!
This pizza has PEEPEE- RONI!!
Edrington: (unperturbed) I thought you said
you wanted a meat lovers pizza.
Moncoutant: (cursing in French and gesticulating
madly). Idiot! I am e’llergic to Peepee-roni! Take this infernal pizza away!
Edrington: (rolls his eyes) As you wish
Colonel.
Scene
six: Extra pizza supplies
are being loaded.
Oldroyd: We’ve got four crates of
capsicum, and a tub of anchovies. And another crate of brown onions. I reckon
that’d be enough.
Hornblower: We’ll load two more barrels of black
olives, just to be sure.
(Meanwhile,
Pellew advises Charette that extra basil will be needed to entice the villagers
to eat the pizzas)
Charette: Ba-zil? But why?
Pellew: Iyeeee believe the Admiral
advises that plenty of basil be used, in case the pizzas need extra flavour
than anticipated.
Charette: Very well, Captain Pellew. Thank
you for your suggestion. But I can assure you, that the 11 secret herbs and
spices we are using, will eliminate the need to use any extra basil.
Pellew: (lying through his teeth). I
pray so, Sir. I pray so.
Scene
seven: Moncoutant rides into
his hometown. He meets Faure.
Faure: (gesturing to his apron).
Monsieur, I am the Chef.
Moncoutant: The Chef? He said he is the Chef!
You are Jean-Paul Gaultier, your business is underwear! Take off that
ridiculous thing!
Faure: No Monsieur, I regret.
Moncoutant: (draws sword). Drat! I want my
people brought out here to make me a pizza. (goes into his house). Where are my
paintings, my art collection?
Faure: (hesitating) Monsieur –
Moncoutant: WHAAARE?!!
Faure: We found the oil in the
paintings make the pizzas cook much quicker. They were used instead of the
firewood.
Moncoutant: Burrrned? (goes outside and finds a
giant pizza waiting for him – with pepperoni)
Remove
the pepperoni.
Faure: No,
Monsieur – I regret.
Moncoutant: REMOVE THEM.
Faure
(singing) Who stole my pizza,
Pepperoni pizza
Hot, right from the pan?
All: Could it be my brother,
Could it be my sister,
Or the pizza man?
Who stole my pizza,
Pepperoni pizza
I'm begging, pretty please!
Mom, I want my pizza,
Pepperoni pizza
made with extra cheese
(Moncoutant assassinates Faure. Then he hears a young boy
singing and shoves through
the crowd to get a look at him)
Boy
(singing): Oh, I like baloney,
But a pizza of my own-y
Is the best taste in the land!
Who stole my pizza,
Pepperoni pizza
Hot, right from the pan?
Could it be our neighbor,
Could it be his dog,
or an alien?
Moncoutant: Give me your pistol
Hornblower: For
God’s sake! The ham and pineapple pizzas are yours! Why waste powder on a
child? The kids’ menu can do no harm!
Moncoutant: (in French)
From this day forth, pizzas are not to be made with peppee-roni! Viv la Pizza!
Scene eight: Moncoutant
is having a dinner party. Hornblower and Edrington are his guests. Mariette is
the waitress. They are eating pizzas for dinner.
Moncoutant: Observe if
you will my house. These peasants love eating infernal peppee-roni and
therefore have no taste when it comes to good house-management.
Hornblower: But
Colonel, surely if you were given a chance to try one of our delicious
pepperoni pizzas...
Moncoutant: Monsieur,
I once had a horse which for amusement I fed it pepperoni pizzas. Did this make
it lose its preference for hay? Naturally, it remained a horse – and so it is
with people of refined taste. Major Edrington – like myself you work in the
pizza industry. Surely you will support me in this?
Edrington: Colonel
– you have obviously tried many more pizzas than I – however I thank God daily
I don’t have to eat pepperoni pizza, for I am sure from what you say, that
would make me a miserable pizza delivery boy.
Scene nine: Hornblower
is walking Mariette home.
Mariette: Nowadays
I think there is only one Lord of Muzillac.
Hornblower: Mademoiselle?
Mariette: That
giant pizza cutter. Does he think making pizzas will make us love him this way?
Hornblower: I
am afraid we have to stay here until we fulfill our orders.
Mariette: And
what is that, your orders?
Hornblower: Two-thousand
family sized super supreme pizzas, one thousand thin n’ crispy vegetarian
pizzas, and 500 loves of garlic bread.
Scene ten: Hornblower
dashes to the bridge where Archie is stationed to take pizza orders as they
come through.
Kennedy: Re-load
that pizza tray! Hurry men hurry!
Matthews: We
can’t see the order!
Kennedy: DO
AS I TELL YOU!!
Hornblower: Archie,
what do you see? Archie? MR KENNEDY REPORT!!
Kennedy: (gasping
for air) 10,000 orders for ham and pineapple pizza,
cam-came
out of nowhere. We have to get them delivered within 30 minutes or the pizzas
get delivered for free!
Matthews: Pineapple
ready!
Hornblower: Hold
your pineapple! Hold your pineapple!
Edrington: CEASE
PINEAPPLE!!!
Any
signs of the actual customers?
Kennedy: (mouth
gaping even wider) No, no Sir.
Edrington: (gives
his not-impressed look). Very well, then I suggest you pack those ingredients
away.
Kennedy: Yes,
my Lord.
Hornblower: But
WHERE are those orders coming from?
Scene 11: Rebel
Frenchmen blow up the pizza operation where Mr Bowles and Charette are
stationed.
Charette: You don’t
even LIKE pizza, Mr Bowles. You should not have to die here…these republicans
obviously have no stomach to eat pizzas (dies with thick tomato sauce smeared
against the wall)
Mr Bowles: Neither do
you, it would seem.
Scene 12: Edrington
shows his frustration over the non-existent customers
Edrington: I
have little time for customers who put in false orders. What do I have to gain
by such a franchise?
(Meanwhile,
Moncoutant is showing a heavy hand towards the
villagers of Muzillac.)
Moncoutant: John Pierre,
you have been found guilty of failing to meet your assigned sales target of 50
Pizza-Meal-Deals per week – Viv La Pizza
(Back
to Edrington)
Edrington: How many
Pizzas did we sell this week?
Sergeant of Marines: 18, My Lord
Edrington: 18?
Is that all?? Then where in God’s name are the rest of the customers?
(Back to
Moncoutant, who explains a thing or two to Hornblower about striking it rich in
the pizza franchise business.)
Moncoutant: Mr Hornblower, as you can see, I
have my own franchise to look after here in the town, if you wish to look for
customers I will not prevent you, but may I remind you that I am the sole
proprietor of this operation and in my experience it is beneficial to put vouchers
in people’s letterboxes to promote your pizza business. Good day, Monsieur!
(addresses next victim). Name?
Scene
13: Pellew blames himself for the failure of the
operation
Bracegirdle: No further pizzas have been baked,
Sir.
Pellew: (sighs). I stand here as a
man accused before you, Sir.
Bracegirle: Accused, Sir? By whom?
Pellew: By my own self. I knew the
secret recipe containing the 11 secret herbs and spices which would guarantee
sales had been stolen, and yet I held my tongue….
Scene
14: Hornblower urges Mariette to escape with him
Mariette: ‘Ave you, ‘ave you not seen
what is happening in the square? Today they killed a baker, he is guilty of no
more than serving stale garlic bread.
(In the next scene
they escape while Moncoutant is being beheaded by the pizza cutter).
Scene
15: Pellew is giving his customary pep talk to a very
teary eyed Hornblower.
Hornblower: What were we doing trying to set up
franchises Sir? Our pizzas were not wanted. We got nothing but false orders,
destruction, and the reaction to our pepperoni pizzas…..forgive me, Sir.
Pellew: It’s alright Mr Hornblower,
it’s alright. Look at your new apron, what a sorry state. When we put on this
apron, we entered a kitchen of chaos and mayhem, but also a kitchen of
duty. And whatever the difficulties in
cooking a recipe, WHATEVER, we must never forget, that we are chefs in Our
Majesty’s Navy! I’m glad to see you safe, Mr Hornblower.
Hornblower: And I to be back doing what I do
best, Sir.
(Final scene with Hornblower audibly inhaling the
smell of fresh bread that he just baked, complimented by a rare dimpled smile,
with lots of majestic theme music playing in the background).