*Sailing on the Indy*…
“SO HORATIO, are you looking forward to
Lord Buckingham’s Costume-Dress Masked Ball tomorrow night?” asks Kennedy.
“Not a bit of it, Archie. I intend not
to attend,” replies Hornblower swiftly.
“NOT ATTEND?!”
“Yes, you heard me correctly. If you’re
not going, then I’m not going. Simple as that.”
“But I wasn’t invited – *you* were! What
will the guests think when they see you’ve not turned up?”
“I should think they’d feel very relieved,”
says Hornblower.
“Nonsense - You’re Captain Pellew’s
favourite lieutenant.”
“Nonsense.”
“Well, it’s true,” says Archie
knowingly.
“Archie, the thing is - I hate the very idea of parties!…Dressing up in silly
costumes…I never know how to act!”
“Ah, so that’s it, is it? Poor Horatio –
methinks he needs to get over his party phobia!”
Hornblower turns away from Archie
awkwardly.
“And anyway,” Archie continues, “I’m
sure you could do a better job than Major “My Lord” Edrington any day.”
“Major Edrington?” queries Hornblower.
“Yes, that’s right. Can you imagine?
He’d be as stiff as a palace guard all night! And that countenance of his –
always so stern and serious – unless, of course, he’s doing that cheeky smirk.”
“Major Edrington is a very good tactician,”
states Hornblower.
“Everything with him would be: ‘Yes, My
Lord’ or ‘No, indeed, My Lord’ or ‘Anything you say, My Lord!’ ” Kennedy muses,
ignoring Hornblower’s statement.
“So I take it that Lord Edrington is to
attend this ball tomorrow?”
“Of course he’s going! All aristocrats
go.”
“I see,” says Hornblower. “By the way,
Archie, I seem to have lost my reckoning over the days of the month. Could you
tell me what day is it tomorrow?”
Kennedy does not respond. He’s lost in
thought.
“Archie?!”
“Oh, sorry, Horatio, I was
somewhere else for a moment.”
“Could you tell me what day
of the month it is tomorrow?”
“Oh - it’s April the first.”
“Why, that’s April Fool’s
Day – I hope none of the crew get up to mischief!”
“April Fool’s Day?”
“Yes, that’s right. You
remember – the first day of April where people play practical jokes on each
other?”
“Oh, yes, you’re quite right
- - ” All of a sudden, Kennedy gets a whiz-bang idea.
*Edrington Manor*…
“My Lord, you have received
a telegram from Lord Buckingham seeking your attendance at his Costume Party
tomorrow night.”
“Very well,” replies
Edrington, “tell him it will be a pleasure.”
“Yes, my Lord. Oh, and – ”
“Yes, what now?”
“My Lord, there are two
visitors at the door wishing to discuss a preposition with you.”
“Two visitors? A
preposition? What are they asking?” asks Edrington, annoyed.
“They are qualified
beauticians, My Lord – or so they say. ‘The best beauticians in London’ they
say. They’re here to make you an offer. They wish to make you look simply
exquisite for Lord Buckingham’s Ball tomorrow night.”
“Make me look exquisite? I
already look exquisite.”
“Quite.”
“But still, I suppose it
doesn’t hurt for one to have further ‘touch-ups’. What do you think, Lucy?”
“Without a doubt, My Lord.”
“Very well,” says Edrington
elatedly.
“But, Sir, they do ask for a
small fee in return.”
“Oh? And how much would this
‘small fee’ be?”
“Two hundred pounds. Each.”
Edrington hesitates for a
moment, before replying, “Very well. Write a cheque and have it sent out to the
correct address. It is a must that I look perfect for tomorrow night. There is
no question about it.”
*Next day, at Edrington
Manor*…
Edrington is waiting
anxiously for the beauticians to arrive. Then he hears a knock at the door.
“Send them in, if you
please, Lucy.”
“Yes, My Lord.”
Kennedy and Hornblower are
let in. They confront Edrington face to face.
“Greetings, Major!!” says
Hornblower enthusiastically, with the widest grin you ever saw.
“How do you do, My Lord?!”
says Kennedy, bowing down while doing a big whirl with his right hand.
Edrington is flabbergasted.
And confused.
“Mr Hornblower? Mr Kennedy?
What are you doing here? I don’t think I’ve seen you since that blasted,
ill-fated expedition at Muzillac.”
“We’ve come to do you up,
remember? You paid us two-hundred pounds. Each.” explains Archie with a
straight face – although deep down he is boiling with laughter.
“WHAT?! YOU?!”
“Yes. There is nothing to
fear, Major, I assure you. We are experienced beauticians. Horatio, show him
our business card.”
Hornblower brings out a
piece of cardboard from his breast-pocket, and shows it to Edrington. It reads:
HA! BEAUTICIANS
~THE BEST BEAUTICIANS IN
LONDON~
“Ha! Beauticians??!! I’ve
never heard anything more ludicrous in my entire life!” exclaims Edrington.
“H. stands for Horatio. A.
stands for Archie.,” explains Kennedy.
“Lets get started, shall
we?” says Hornblower. And before Edrington can protest, Kennedy and Hornblower
start to pin him down on the lounge.
“Wait!” cries Edrington,
“I’m not sure this is a good idea.”
“At your ease, man, at your
ease,” assures Hornblower.
They start to tear off
Edrington’s clothes and replace them with a clean, white robe.
Then they start to give
Edrington a facial. Kennedy asks, “Would you like an apricot facial or a
blue-berry facial?”
Edrington ponders for a
while before replying “Apricot.”
“Excellent choice, My Lord,”
states Kennedy, as he starts to pour the lotion in his hands.
“Oh, and Mr Kennedy –”
“My Lord?”
“ *Don’t* muck it up.”
*An hour later*…
By this stage, Horatio and
Archie have given Edrington a facial, a manicure, and put cucumbers over his
eyes.
Then Horatio and Archie
start to give Edrington a conditioning treatment for his hair, after which they
leave a towel tied around his head to dry it.
“I feel completely silly
lying in this position with food covering my eyes,” Edrington says, “Honestly,
is this any position that an Earl should be in?”
Archie smiles. “There is no
need for pomposity, My Lord.”
“Pomposity is a matter of
opinion, Mr Kennedy. Condescension to one’s inferiors is no sin.”
*Half an hour later*…
Now it is time for Edrington
to have a pedicure. Archie and Horatio squirm at the thought. Neither of them
want to do it.
“I know,” says Kennedy,
“we’ll play Scissors-Paper-Rock to determine who will do the pedicure.”
So they both start to play –
quietly, so that Edrington doesn’t hear.
“Scissor-Paper-Rock!” they
chant.
They both pull their hands
out at the same time. Kennedy has a rock. So does Hornblower. They play again.
“Scissor-Paper-Rock!”
Kennedy has scissors. So
does Hornblower.
“Scissor-Paper-Rock!”
Kennedy has scissors.
Hornblower has paper. Therefore, Hornblower loses. “Damn,” he whispers.
So Hornblower starts to give
Edrington a pedicure. Edrington does not flinch, because by this time, he is
fast asleep.
*Another half hour later*…
“THERE! ALL DONE!” Kennedy
and Hornblower exclaim.
“What! Who? Where?”
Edrington wakes up with a startle.
“Your beauty therapy is now
complete, Sir!” says Hornblower.
“But I can’t see,” says
Edrington.
“That’s because you still
have the cucumbers over your eyes – No! Don’t take them off just yet. It’s
better to leave them on until you enter the Ball tonight,” says Kennedy while
he winks at Hornblower.
“Yes, quite,” agrees
Hornblower, “then you’ll have fresh eyes for as long as possible.”
“Well, help me up then,”
says Edrington. So Archie and Horatio help him up.
“You look wonderful, My
Lord!”
“You look exquisite!”
“You’ll be the fancy of
every lady tonight!”
“Really? Well, whom did you
dress me up as? I don’t know why, but I feel like I am still wearing a bath
robe.”
“Us?! Leave you in a bath
robe? Never! We’re professionals, remember? Don’t worry about a thing – your
costume looks wonderful!” Kennedy declares.
“Now you better hurry, My
Lord, or you’ll be late for your appointment,” says Hornblower. So they usher
Edrington to a carriage outside. And he rides off into the distance…
“Didn’t even thank us!” Archie
muses cheekily.
“Nor said goodbye,” says
Hornblower.
“Quick,” says Archie, “we’d
better get there before he does. I don’t want to miss all the fun!”
*At The Ball*…
The place is huge. Gigantic
chandeliers with crystals are hanging from the ceilings; portraits with gold
frames are on every wall; a very large staircase is present; as well as a huge
red carpet stretching from the massive entrance to the center of the room.
Hundreds of people are
there, all dressed up, looking their finest: Lord Buckingham, Captain Pellew,
Hammond, Foster, Nelson, Sawyer, Sir Hew Darlrymple, Lady Darlrymple, hundreds
of Admirals, Lords and aristocrats. Even Colonel de Moncoutant is there. He is
extravagantly dressed up as the late French Queen Marie Antoinette, and even does
the high-pitched voice, too.
“Would you like anything, my
Queen?” asks a butler, playing along with his character.
“Only some cake for me,
thank you butler.”
“Yes, your Majesty.”
* * *
Horatio and Archie are
there, having entered the enormous room through a backway. They are
strategically hiding behind the large staircase, so that no one can see them,
but are still able to observe their surroundings.
“My gosh, there’s hundreds
of people here!” says Horatio in wonder.
“Quite,” says Archie, as he grabs
a glass to drink from a passing servant.
Just then, a big noise
occurs.
“That’ll be Edrington’s
carriage parking outside!” says Archie.
The massive doors of the
ball-room swing open. And in rolls in a man. He is a little confused about his
direction, because of his obstructed vision. He simply follows the red carpet
with his feet, until he gets further and further into the very center of the
room. Several surrounding people are talking, whispering, and murmuring at the
sight of the strange-looking young man who has just stepped into the room.
“Greetings, everyone!!” says
Major Edrington exuberantly.
“Greetings, Lord Edrington,”
says Lord Buckingham confusedly, not quite sure what to make of Edrington’s
outfit.
“I gather you are admiring
my outfit,” asserts Edrington, with his face into the air, “isn’t my mask the
most finest you have ever seen; isn’t my costume the most exquisite you ever
saw; and aren’t my glass shoes the most splendid footwear in all of London!!??”
Silence. At this point, crowds
of people are gathering around, looking on.
“A-hem,” says Buckingham,
“your mask is nothing but facial lotion; your costume consists only of a simple
bath robe, and your “glassy” shoes are nothing more than pink bedtime slippers.
Not to mention the towel that you have tied around your head.”
Edrington looks sharply back
down. At this point, his two cucumbers slip off his eyes, and it takes him a
moment to make sense of exactly where he is. He looks round at everyone,
focusing their eyes on him. Slowly and cautiously, he peers down at his fluffy
white robe and pink slippers, and within a split second, realizes in horror his
humiliating, degrading status. Being entirely mortified, he runs straight back
out of the room as quickly as he possibly can, with hoards of people
thunderously laughing, giggling and whistling until the whole room is filled
with sound.
“HEHE-HEHE-HEHE-HEHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Horatio and Archie laugh so hard that they get stitches in their sides.
*THE END.*