Author's notes: This is putting the Hornblower series in the
context of lifestyle shows such as "Better Homes and Gardens" or
"Our House" or "Burke's Backyard" or any number of shows
that discuss Do-it-yourself techniques in the garden/ bathtub/ kitchen/
workshop etc. Your host for this show is Archie Kennedy. Enjoy!
(Theme song and titles run
for the show. Archie Kennedy is the host).
(Archie is looking perky and
fresh. He is standing on a veranda outside a modest brick house, surrounded by
lush green ferns and well-maintained gardens).
Archie: Hi! Welcome to the
Indefatigable Lifestyle Show! Tonight we have a jam-packed show. Firstly,
Clayton shows us how to tackle those nasty garden weeds. The lovely Duchess
will be showing us how to make our own special-scented bath crystals for a
relaxing treat. Also, Foster gets handy in the workshop. See this and more on
tonight’s show!
And now over to Clayton with
those nasty garden weeds. (Camera cuts to Clayton).
Segment One
Clayton: Thanks Archie. Now,
here have a beautiful garden that belongs to a Mrs Jackie Simpson of Spithead.
As you can see, there are some rare flowers here, as well as camellias and
daffodils (close up of the flowers is shown). These flowers need plenty of
sunshine, according to Mrs Simpson, and are trimmed every autumn. Is that not
so, Mrs Simpson?
Mrs Simpson: Yes, that’s
right, Mr Clayton. It’s taken me a good six years of regular maintenance to get
them where they are today. Trouble is, every time they grow to full blossom, my
son, Jack, rips them right our of their roots…he’s had a hard life, my son…his
father used to not pay much attention to him…and beat him…beat him up…(starts
to sob uncontrollably).
Clayton: Yes, please, Mrs
Simpson, do not distress yourself. It’s just his way. Now, you were you telling
us that you were also having some problems with the weeds.
Mrs Simpson (recovering):
Yes, that’s right…every time I trim them down they grow back again.
Clayton: Ah! I think I can
most certainly help you there. You see, each time you trim the weeds, they grow
stronger and stronger – rather like roses. What you need is some INSTANT weed
killer that will get rid of them once and for all. I can have it ready for you
right now.
Mrs Simpson (with glee): Oh
thankyou, thankyou!!
Clayton (turns to camera):
Now these weeds are dangerous, BELIEVE ME, you don’t know half of what they’re
capable of… (lowers voice) they can even block the water pipe. Okay, I have
here four gallons of weed killer solution that you can get from any nursery for
only two shillings (close up of bottles). Now, you open it and pour it into
this yellow pump (close up of the pump). Then you lift up the pump onto your
back by the straps, holding the trunk-like handle, aiming the nozzle, and
spraying it over the weeds like this (demonstrates). Now the instructions say
that this is so effective that the weeds will shrivel up within two minutes and
die (sprays a bit more).
(Animated clock shows 2
minutes have passed – result: weeds have not died)
Clayton: Well, sometimes it
can take longer, especially for stubborn ones like these. We’ll wait another
three minutes.
(Animated clock shows 3
minutes has passed – result: weeds have not died)
Clayton: Well, we’ll have to
spray a bit more, won’t we? (Sprays more vigorously). We’ll wait another half
hour.
(Animated clock shows 30
minutes have passed – result: weeds have grown longer).
Clayton (getting frustrated):
Stand off, weeds…STAND OFF WEEDS, or by God I’ll trim the garden with yer roots
(holds up a pistol at them).
(Cut to Archie, where he has
a worried look on his face. He suddenly notices the camera is on him and clamps
up, and puts on a cheerful persona with a touch of nervousness)
Archie: Well…that was some
great acting from Clayton, wasn’t it! We’ll be back at the end of the show to
see the real result! Coming up after the break, we’ll road test some
pets.
Archie (turning to his right
side): Here is a Mr Don Alfredo De Massaredo of Cardiz in Spain. He’ll be
talking about his pet dogs. What dogs do you have for us, Mr Massaredo?
Don (lovingly stroking the
dogs): I have here my pet Spaniards, Mr Kennedy.
Archie (confused): Don’t you
mean Spaniels?
Don: I know these dogs, Mr
Kennedy. I have lived with them for over fifty years.
Archie: And I understand that
these dogs have a well-behaved temperament, but are quite expensive.
Don: Yes, they cost fifty
pesos each, but they are very understanding creatures…I keep regular
maintenance of them, which includes washing, brushing and trimming…but I tell
you, I luff these dogs. They are my best friends, and I am NOSSING WIZOUT
ZEM!!!
Archie (slightly turned off):
…Okay, er, now we’ll cut to the lovely Duchess.
Duchess: Well, hello there!
Now, if you’re anything like me, you’d do anything for a relaxing bath after a
hard day’s work. So now, what I’m going to do, is show you how to make your own
soothing bath crystals…that’s right! It takes minutes and lasts for hours.
Now, you’ll need some salt,
talcum powder, vinegar and a bit of Dove soap. If you don’t have access to
vinegar, DON’T WORRY, you can use sunflower oil instead, because it works just
as well.
Then you pour all the
ingredients into the blender, like so (demonstrates). I know it seems funny,
but you actually need it in order for it to work properly. (She pushes the
button, and it makes a soft grounding noise. Then she presses ‘stop’ and takes
the lid off).
Now you pour the contents
into a large bowl, like so, and pop it into the freezer for about half an hour.
(Animated clock shows 30
minutes have passed. She takes it out of the freezer).
Then, you get a spoon, like
so, and begin mashing it up into little bits…and there you have it. Your own
bath crystals! Also, they’re great for turning on the man that tickles your
fancy! (Shriek of laughter…She then pours the crystals into a ready-made bath,
and they foam up immediately. She starts to take off her bath robe. Quick cut
to Archie.)
Archie (Big-eyed and
flabbergasted): …Er, yes…and now we have…(stops to look at something
distracting him on his right side)…Don, what are you doing?! (Zoom in of Don
sobbing immensely on the ground…)
Don: My dogs! They do not
luff me! I must stick them down a hole where they will no longer have exercise
privileges!!
Archie: (Looks straight back
at camera, and lets out a nervous half-laugh). Well…he certainly loves his
dogs! Now, we’ll see how Clayton is going with those garden weeds.
(Clayton has given up on all
past remedies, and is on his knees, sweating, and furiously trying to pull out
the weeds with his own hands).
Clayton: Come out you…
BASTARD!! (Quick cut back to Archie).
Archie (now more concerned
for Clayton): Poor old Clayton…always wanted to get rid of those garden weeds.
Don (interested): They must
have been a thorn in his side for many years.
Archie: Er yes,…thankyou,
Don. Now we’ll cut to Hornblower and Sim…and Simp…. Simp…..SIMPSON??!! (Archie
is shocked at what is written on the autocue). No…NO…GO AWAY!!! (Archie starts
to have a fit…quick cut to next segment).
Hornblower (in a kitchen,
wearing apron): Hello there! My name is Horatio Hornblower, and here is a
chocolate cake that I made earlier (points to the cake near him). We used the
Pellew 1789 Oven, which produced an amazing result. What we want to do now, is
make the same cake, but use the Horatio 2000 Oven instead, to see if it will
produce the same result. (All of a sudden, Simpson walks into camera shot…)
Simpson: What are you doing
running this segment?! I run this segment! The cake is mine!!!…(he starts to
lose interest in yelling because he stops to inspect the cake near him more
closely. It’s deliciously tempting. He reaches down and takes a slice with his
right hand.)
Simpson: Very fine; very
fine, indeed (sniffs). (He barely finishes that slice, when he reaches down to
take another, this time with his left hand.)
Hornblower: What do you mean
by helping yourself to my cake, sir?
Simpson (mouth full of cake):
I should have thought my meaning was quite obvious.
Hornblower (deciding to
ignore Simpson): Well, anyway, here’s a mix that we prepared earlier (close up
of cake tin), and now I’m going to put it in here at 180 degrees for half an
hour.
Simpson (pipes in): You’re
very sure?
Hornblower: It’s a mathematical
certainty.
Simpson (spits out some cake
in disgust): You know too much about this oven.
(Animated clock shows 30
minutes have passed. Hornblower puts on his mittens and takes out the
golden-brown cake and puts it on the table).
Hornblower: Here, Simpson,
have a piece.
Simpson (tries a piece): It’s
delicious!
Hornblower (modestly): Well
it just goes to show that the Horatio 2000 works just as well as the Pellew
1789. (Big triumphant smile with cute dimples showing. Cut to Archie).
Archie (still recovering from
seeing Simpson’s name on the autocue…struggling to read the rest):
…MMM…MMM…that was some delicious…chocolate cake…wasn’t it?
Pellew: My name is Captain
Sir Edward Pellew, and I am the owner of my travel agency, PellewTravel. I’m
here to advise which places you might like to go for yer holiday. Now, you
could go to Spain, where the Dons are, but I do not care for such overblown
places. Same with France, where the Frogs are. No, my preference is Wales,
Scotland, Ireland or England – a big foggy island, north of South-Hampton –
think you can find it?? Well, tickets are only 500 pounds each for a seven-day
trip, and includes dinner at the Darlrymple Hotel, located in each of the
places. Ta-ta!! (Cut to Archie again).
Archie (feeling much better):
Hello again! Now, we were going to show you handyman Foster in the workshop,
but unfortunately, that segment as been scrapped because our studio has
received word that he’s stuck in boat traffic. But what we do have, is the
final conclusion to Clayton and the weeds. Lets hope that it’s a good one!
(Clayton lying on his back on
the ground, dying, with weeds covering him entirely, up to his neck).
Clayton (to Mrs Simpson): I’m
sorry, I didn’t kill them…I thought I could beat them…I had an
even…chance…(theme song of show starts playing). Jackie, is the show over?
(dies).
(Closing titles and theme
song runs).
*****