Scene 1:
Pellew: That it should come to this – you of all people. Good God man! Black bloody Equal Opportunity! What were you thinking?
Hornblower: It was for the good of women, Sir. Submissive or not, they are entitled to have the right to vote….
Scene two (six months earlier): Dissent
is brewing among the crew. Lieutenants Bush, Kennedy, Hornblower and Buckland,
and Midshipman Wellard are finding Sawyer’s sexist jokes intolerable. Upon
reaching Kingston, Sawyer will present draft legislation which will deny
working women the right to paid maternity leave, as well as revert the progress
made on giving all women the right to vote. The aforementioned officers are
staunch supporters of the Women’s Liberation Movement, as well as the
suffragists’ fight to grant women equal rights.
Scene three: Sawyer outlines the
issued orders to his lieutenants.
Sawyer: Our orders are to
present this legislation to the parliament of Kingston.
Hornblower: (aside) The Women’s
Liberation is in full force there.
Sawyer: (sarcastically). Very good, Mr Hawn-blower, very good! Gentlemen we can all rely on Mr Hawn-blower to keep us abreast of those perky breasty issues; liberty, equal opportunity, stupidity. You’re not a feminist are you, Mr Hawn-blower?
Hornblower: Indeed I am not, Sir.
Saywer: Yes, we know how to
deal with them in our Majesty’s Navy.
Scene four: Kennedy denounces
Sawyer
Kennedy: But how would you
describe such sexist behaviour, Horatio?
Hornblower: Captain Sawyer is just
traditional, Archie.
Kennedy: Traditional? Describe that to the young woman who he beat senseless and threw over the side.
Hornblower: Do you think Bush
would agree with you?
Kennedy: Well, no.
Hornblower: Or Buckland? The man’s
a paternal hero, he’s earned his place in history.
Kennedy: Well it’s not history that concerns me, Horatio, it’s the future of women’s rights. They’re far more uncertain.
Scene five: Lieutenants Hornblower, Kennedy and
Buckland hold a secret meeting to thwart Sawyer’s plan of passing the
legislation onto Kingston. They get discovered by Bush.
Bush: I thought I might find you here. I thought you might feeeel that something had to be done about granting women equal rights.
Buckland: I’m not sure I follow,
Mr Bush.
Bush: I thought you might, feeeel that women are deserving of equal pay as men.
Buckland: Mr Bush - !
Bush: As I do.
Hornblower: I believe we are all
of the same mind, Mr Bush.
(Later during the meeting)
Bush: Women certainly
have made a good job of traditional roles.
Kennedy: Traditional?
Bush: I like it no more
than you, Mr Kennedy.
Kennedy: I find it poor logic to say that because
women are good, women should vote. Men do not vote because they’re good, they
vote because they’re male, and women should not vote because they’re angels or
men are animals, but because we’re human beings and citizens of this country.
Buckland: Twenty two years I have been lobbying the
government to grant women the right to vote. And now he’ll break that effort.
He’ll break the whole bloody Women’s Liberation.
Hornblower: And in Kingston? What
will await us there?
Bush: A court martial.
Buckland: Why why? What on
earth for?
Hornblower: Well, this is Equal
Opportunity, Mr Buckland. Equal Opportunity.
Scene
six: In a mysterious twist of fate,
Sawyer falls down the hold and suffers severe concussion, making Buckland the
default Captain of the ship. Contrary to his earlier pledge of seeing women be
granted the right to vote, he decides to press on to Kingston with the draft
legislation, as per the original plan. “Well, what else can I do?” he despairs.
“He might wake up at any minute for God’s sake!”
Scene seven: Sawyer recovers and orders Buckland to place
Lieutenants Bush, Kennedy and Hornblower in a cell. “Arrest them unless you
care to join them!” he orders Buckland. “And clap them in irons like the
Banshee Femos they are!”
Whilst in captivity the ship runs aground and comes under fire from feminist extremist groups, otherwise known as Female Misogynists (or Man-Haters). Bolts of fire burst through the cell.
Kennedy: Burning
bras! They’re using burning bras!
Hornblower: Don’t worry, Mr Kennedy. We’ll drown long
before we get killed by feminist extremists!
(Styles and Matthews rescue the Lieutenants from the
ship. Hornblower issues a plan to save the ship).
Hornblower: I’ll save the ship and take all the credit for
it, if yooouuu’ll do exactly as I say.
(This plan works, and before long, they steer away from the perilous
shore to continue the voyage under the authority of Lieutenant Buckland).
***********
Scene eight: Bush, Kennedy and Hornblower
convince Buckland to not go to Kingston, and instead, to attack a Spanish Fort
and liberate the women there who are under oppression from a patriarchal
government. They spend some time sussing out the Spanish.
Kennedy: (looking
through telescope). Good God! Well well well!
Bush: That’s enough, Mr Kennedy, may I remind you we are in the era of sexual liberation for women.
Scene nine: Hornblower
has a confrontation with Sawyer.
Hornblower: You’re down,
Sir, but you can still earn the respect of women.
Sawyer: Women?
What do you know of women?
Hornblower: I know, that women are strange and
sensitive. They have compassion. I have the highest respect for women.
Sawyer: Damn you,
Virgin!
Scene ten: The
Spanish realise what the British have been up to.
Ortega’s Wife: Mr Buckland, do you realise what you’re doing? With these new laws-
Buckland: (smugly) You will be granted the right to vote, and in all probability will have a say in who your new president is by the end of the week.
Dr Clive: You’d have to agree, Madam. You will now receive equal pay for doing the same work as your husband.
Ortega: But this
is…MADNESS!!
Scene eleven: Many of the Spanish women are
resistant to these new changes, and therefore must be kept an eye on during the
journey back to England, where they will be given full privileges as English
citizens. Unfortunately, this means they must be locked in a maximum security
prison for the duration of the journey. Buckland, however, believing he is
doing the gentlemanly thing by the captivated women, orders the guard to open
the door for them.
Buckland: Open the
door for those women.
Guard: Sir?
Buckland: Just do it! 36 women to our 74 officers – they’d never dare to start a rebellion.
(But Buckland underestimates the power of determined
women. When they take over the ship much cursing is expressed by the other
Lieutenants).
Kennedy: (Groaning disdainfully) What
does Buckland think women will do when the door is left open for them? They’re
not bloody stupid!
Scene twelve: Flashback to courtroom, where
Buckland’s judgement is called into question.
Buckland: Oh-wo-oh, it was a difficult
situation, one had no inkling of how a modern woman expects to be treated. I
didn’t know whether to stand up or to offer my seat to those women.
Pellew: So you
opened the door for them?
Buckland: (sheepish)
In hindsight it was a mistake.
Pellew: In hindsight it was a BLUNDER sir, that allowed those women to take over the ship and COST LIVES.
Buckland: (mournfully)
I regret, the loss of life.
Scene thirteen: Wellard’s confrontation with Sawyer
Wellard: I can’t let you get to Kingston!
I can’t let women be denied the right to vote! And I will fight for women to
have equal pay for equal work – all of them!
Sawyer: Then you best use both hands if
you want to help chicks change a light bulb.
Wellard: Don’t
call women ‘chicks’.
Sawyer: Oh? What
would they have me call them – busty babes?
Wellard: Women are no chicks, Sir, and they are no busty babes. And they are no chauvinistic pigs either – who have to be fenced in so they don’t mate with the donkeys, Sir!
(Sawyer slaps Wellard across the face).
Wellard: See? At least one of us is a gentleman. And you are a downright bastard to strike me, Sir.
Sawyer: Yes.
Scene fourteen: Wellard’s reconciliation with Hobbs
Hobbs: He
recovered at the last, did he?
Wellard: He said
women were intelligent.
Hobbs: (Agreeing).
They are.
Scene fifteen: There is still the matter to be
decided in court as to who actually will be a scapegoat for thwarting Saywer’s
orders to take the draft legislation to Kingston, and instead embarked on an
entirely different mission…
Kennedy: I alone
liberated women. I alone gave women the right to vote.
All: What?!
Pellew: Take this
man down!
Scene sixteen: Hornblower
pays a final visit to Kennedy.
Hornblower: Why?
Kennedy: Look at how happy those women are. No tribunal parliament in the world can revoke their rights now.
Hornblower: And when you
stood up in court and took the blame?
Kennedy: No – I took the credit you see. History will remember forever that the right for women to vote was granted to them by a man.
Hornblower: Archie…
Kennedy: Just tell women to accept the
simplest gift that has been offered to them. Just tell them to accept it and
say goodbye.
Hornblower: Archie…. (struggles to not break down in tears)… I am honoured to have served with you on this mission.
Kennedy: And I to have known you. (Withering in pain) See? Better already! (dies)
(later Pellew comes in and reflects on
Kennedy’s deed).
Pellew: Mr Kennedy took a risk when
he granted women the right to vote…and in all probability was right in doing
so. (Rummages through his pocket and pulls out some dispatches). I see the Gattatana
is to be renamed Affirmative Action. Would you not like to see who is in
command of this vessel? (hands dispatches over to Hornblower).
(With much reluctance Hornblower accepts his command
but his honour is overshadowed by the death of the Greatest Feminist Hornblower
has ever known. This is visible through his sad brown eyes and trembling lips
as majestic music plays in the background and camera fades to black).