One hot summer day, when the
English prisoners are allowed outside, Matthews, Styles, Oldroyd, Hunter and
the rest are sitting about bored out of their brains. Hornblower is also
outside, with Kennedy, trying to learn Spanish. Oldroyd suddenly has an idea:
“I know!! Why don’t we play tips?!” and everyone eagerly agrees, despite the
heat.
“Who’s going to be in?” asks
Matthews.
“Not me,” says Oldroyd.
“Not me,” says Matthews and
Hunter.
“Well, looks like its you,
Styles,” says Matthews.
“Oh, all right,” says Styles
reluctantly.
“What’s going to be bar?”
asks Hunter.
“I know – we’ll make the
walls bar,” says Oldroyd.
“No – how ‘bout we make the
right wall only?” says Matthews, and everyone agrees.
So they start playing but
Styles is annoyed because everyone is on “bar” and no-one is running around.
“Well c’mon! You can’t stay
on the damned wall forever; you ‘ave to move about!” says Styles.
So they all start running
around and there is such a commotion that Hornblower and Kennedy look up a
number of times from what they are doing.
About 15 minutes into the
game, Styles, Matthews, Stevens and Collins are in; only Hunter and Oldroyd are
left. So Oldroyd starts to move about, but as Styles comes running up behind
him, Oldroyd chuckles and huffs and puffs. He runs as fast as he can.
“I’ll get you Oldroyd!” says
Styles.
Styles does end up tapping
Oldroyd, but Oldroyd protests.
“It’s BAR! It’s BAR! MY HAND
WERE ON BAR!!!” says Oldroyd in his squeaky voice.
“Er, no you weren’t!” says
Styles.
“Yeh it were, look at me
hand”.
“Bloody ‘ell,” says Styles,
so Oldroyd is let off.
They decide to start the game
again but this time Hunter is in. So they begin running around vigorously.
Soon, Don Massaredo comes in the court right up to Hornblower and Hornblower
stands to greet him.
“What is the meaning of
zis?” asks Don Massaredo, referring to
the men running around.
Hornblower looks at his men
and then looks back to Don Massaredo. “My men are playing a game, Sir.”
“A game?”
“Yes, it’s called Tips.”
“Tips?” (In the background
Hunter shouts “I tipped you Oldroyd! You’re in!!”)
“Yes – one person has to try
and “tip” the other people by tapping them, but if the other people are on bar
then they’re safe.”
“Bar? What is bar?” asks Don.
“It’s the right wall that
Oldroyd is touching now. It’s a place where you can’t get tipped.”
After this explanation Don
Massaredo gives Hornblower a suspicious look, and watches the game for a few
minutes. Then he turns back to Hornblower and says, “This Hunter appears to be
a fast one, does he not, Mr Hornblower?”
“Yes, Sir,” says Hornblower.
“Then you shall make sure
that your men do not try any silly ideas like escaping,” says Don.
Hornblower hesitates with
half a frown and says “Yes, Sir”.
Then Don Massaredo walks away
and Hornblower goes back to his reading. Pretty soon there is a big commotion
and Mathews is running away from the people who are in, and as he slowly gets
surrounded miles away from bar he runs straight up to Hornblower and exclaims
“Mr ‘Ornblower’s bar!!”
Hornblower is startled and
extremely annoyed because Matthews is kicking up dirt.
“No he ain’t!” exclaims
Styles and he runs up to tip Matthews.
Hornblower rolls his eyes,
the Spanish guards get involved in the game, and Hornblower and Kennedy can’t
concentrate so they resort to watching the game instead.
Styles then says, “I’ve had
enough of this, I’m not playing anymore,” and goes to sit down.
“Wait!” says Oldroyd. “What
about Bullrush?”
Styles turns around and says
“All right!” and everyone is eager to play. But it takes a good 15 minutes for
the British to teach the Spanish guards how to play.
End of Part One
Next
morning Don Alfredo Massaredo invites all the English prisoners to his chamber.
“Gather
round gentlemen,” he says. They gather around something huge in the centre of
the room, covered in a bedsheet. He quickly uncovers it, and everyone looks on
in amazement. “This,” says Don “is an exercise bicycle. Let me show you how it
works. I will need a volunteer…you, come and try it” he says pointing to
Oldroyd.
Oldroyd
goes up to it. “Now zit in it and moof your legs up and down.” Oldroyd does so
and everyone is amazed. “It is a revolutionary bike that does not go anywhere,
but is used to keep you fit and strong. Now, another come and try it.”
Oldroyd
gets off and Matthews gets on. Matthews smiles when he starts to use it and
everyone urges him on. “Now you try,” Don says to Styles. Styles has some
trouble getting on and is slow in pedaling. “Come on! Faster, faster! Even my
grandmother can go faster than that!” says Don Massaredo.
Styles
hops off. “Mr Kennedy!” says Don. Kennedy gets on. Then Hunter and the other
crewman, and then finally Hornblower, who appears to be the best at it. “Very
good Mr Hornblower” says Don Massaredo.
“Now
men, you will train on zis bike for the rest of the afternoon as a warm-up for
a series of activities that you shall complete during the rest of the week,
seeing as though you are all so eager to do exercise. I want to see you all
become fit and strong.” Don Massaredo walks off leaving them to it.
The Englishmen split themselves
up into two teams. One team is the “Hornropers” consisting of Hornblower as
Captain, Kennedy, Matthews and Collins. The other team is the “Rope-sensations”
consisting of Styles as Captain, Oldroyd, Hunter and Stevens. Kennedy is not
wanted on the Rope-sensations team because Hunter thinks he will “slow them
down”. Don Massaredo is the adjudicator. The game begins.
The
Rope-sensations appear to be the stronger team. They easily pull the Hornropers
three-quarters to the mark – in another fifteen centimeters they will claim
victory.
“Pull!
Pull you bastards!” roars Hornblower until he is hoarse.
“It’s
no use, Sir. They have Styles on their team!” cries Matthews.
“Dig
your heels in! Put your backs into it you beauties!” shouts Hornblower.
Then
the rope slowly but surely begins to pull back in the Hornropers’ direction.
“Heave!
Keep her steady as she goes – heave!”
The
Hornropers build up a pulling rhythm while the Rope-sensations struggle to hold
on as they are distracted by hurling insults to each other.
Suddenly,
the rope jerks, and the Rope-sensations come crashing down across the mark.
Kennedy, Collins and Matthews shout for joy.
“The
Hornropers are the winners!” declares Don Massaredo.
Styles
gives Oldroyd the evil eye and says, “This is all your doing, Oldroyd, you
bloody idiot,” and he slaps him across the head.
It is a fine sunny day and
the men are on a grassy plain, each with a bow and arrow. Collins begins, but
his arrow completely misses the board and a bird shrieks in terror. He is
immediately disqualified. Stevens gains a mere ten points. Oldroyd misses his
fingering and the arrow falls straight onto the grass. Styles shoots ever so
harshly and the board shatters into two. There is a ten minute interval while a
new board is being set up. Then Kennedy shoots and gains thirty points.
Matthews shoots and gains forty points. Hunter is determined to win and with a
slinted eye he gets close to bulls-eye. Hornblower shoots and also gets close
to bulls-eye.
Now the contest is between
Hunter, Hornblower and Matthews. Matthews shoots again and gains fifty points.
Hunter shoots and gains sixty points. People think they have a winner. However,
Hornblower stands poised, determined, and shoots straight at bulls-eye. Matthews
is happy for him and exclaims, “Three cheers for Mr ‘Ornblower!” while Hunter
kicks the dirt in disgust. Don Massaredo declares Hornblower to be the winner.
Day 3 – Shot Put
The men are lined up in a
perfect row. “First up!” says Don Massaredo. Collins has a turn, then Stevens.
They barely reach the average throw. Kennedy is up and can barely carry the
heavy ball. When he throws it, his foot goes outside of the circle, which
constitutes a foul. Hunter smirks and shouts, “You throw like a girl, Kennedy!!”
Hunter is next; he holds the ball up to his chin while extending his left arm
out. He throws the ball and lets out a roar. But the shot put hits the fence,
bounces off and slams into his “family jewels.” Hunter howls in pain and
clutches his groin, while the others wince in sympathy, “Ooooh, you can almost
hear his nuts cracking,” says Styles.
“Belay that Styles!”
shouts Hornblower, and they all help Hunter up.
Oldroyd, Hornblower and
Matthews shoot, and they all get a distance well over the mark.
Styles is last to go; he
picks up the ball with ease, stretches his elbow right back, with his left arm
in front, and spins round twice. As he releases the ball, he lets out an
almighty roar: “RRRIIIAAAAAAAAARRHHH!!!!” He makes an exceptional throw,
way beyond the advanced mark. He is declared King of Shot-Put.
Day 4 – Uneven Bars
On Day 4, Hornblower and
his men are taken to a wide open court. “Zis,” says Don Massaredo, “iz called
Uneven Bars. It iz a kind of gymnastic.” The Englishmen start whispering among
themselves, in wonder at the strange-looking object before them.
“Now, I want each and
everyone of you to have a turn at this,” says Don.
Matthews is looking a tad
nervous and says to Hornblower “there are no footropes, Sir. What’ll we do,
Sir? What’ll we do? How am I supposed to get up on that thing?”
To everyone’s amazement,
Kennedy volunteers to go first, and he leaps up into the air effortlessly and
gracefully, and skillfully clings onto the bars and sways up into the air doing
majestic circles.
“Well that’s clear
enough,” says Hunter.
Hornblower is next but he
misses his footing and lands straight down onto both sides of his face at
once. He receives bruises onto both
cheekbones, a black eye and a swollen cut lip. Styles is no better at it. He struggles
to get onto the apparatus but falls flat onto his backside, painfully
stretching his legs apart. Hunter refuses to have a go, on the grounds that his
groin is still hurting. In the end Kennedy is the only one who has successfully
completed a routine on the bars, and accordingly is declared the winner of that
event.
Day 5 - Diving
On Day 5 the men go the
Spanish Aquatic Centre for diving. They each do simple dives as a warm-up. Then
Don Massaredo gets them to do more complicated dives: “Now I want you all to do
a triple-quarter-pike-twist-and-a-half-back-flip.”
Styles is up first. He
misses his footing on the diving board and does an enormous belly flop into the
water, sending a huge splash over Hornblower. Oldroyd points and laughs at
Styles. Styles comes out angrily: “Look – I tried to touch me toes but I just
couldn’t get me legs up in the air.”
Stevens and Collins try to
do a syncronised dive, but it is a complete disaster. While in mid air after
jumping off the diving board, they bump into each other and plummet into the
water, with arms and legs swinging all over the place. Oldroyd points again and
laughs uncontrollably. Hornblower curses: “Hell!”.
Matthews springs from the
diving board with a mighty thump. “Easy Matthews!” says Hornblower.
Then it is Hunter’s turn,
but he is still sulking in the corner.
Kennedy is up next. He has
the right position for it, and does his best at a triple summersault. He enters
the water with very little splash…and does not resurface. “Kennedy?! Kennedy?!!”
shouts Hornblower. When there is no answer, Hornblower jumps in and rescues
him. He gives him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Kennedy coughs and spits water
into Hornblower’s face. Hornblower then has his turn, but it is Kennedy who is
declared the winner for his brave attempt.
Day 6 - Canoeing
Each of the men gets a
canoe for himself for a canoeing race. “On your marks, get set, GO!” shouts Don
Massaredo. At first they are virtually all in a straight line across the river,
each paddling as fast as he can. Then Matthews, Styles, Oldroyd and Hornblower
edge out into equal first place, while Hunter is furiously slipping behind.
Oldroyd and also starts to slip behind. Then Styles starts slipping. Pretty
soon the race is between Hornblower and Matthews. Everyone thinks it will be a
tie, but at the last ten strokes, Matthews pulls for all his might and
Hornblower’s canoe capsizes. Matthews wins the race. “It were a close match, Mr
‘Ornblower,” says Matthews humbly. Hornblower
smiles: “Indeed it was.”
Day 7 – Three-Legged
Race
Today sees the last and
most fun activity: The Three-Legged Race. The pairs are as follows:
- Collins & Stevens
- Hornblower & Kennedy
- Matthews & Styles
- Oldroyd & Hunter
They each tie their inside
legs together. “One – two – three – GO!” shouts Don.
They each start walking as
fast as they can, but when Collins and Stevens topple over it causes a domino
effect. Hornblower and Kennedy fall over; then Matthews and Styles; then
Oldroyd and Hunter.
Hunter and Oldroyd quickly
get back on their feet, and resume walking as fast as they can, determined to
win the race. The rest are still struggling to get back up.
“I’m sorry,” says Kennedy
to Hornblower.
“Never mind – lets just
get you back on your feet, eh?” says Hornblower.
“C’mon! we’ll beat ‘em all
and WIN!” shouts Hunter. Sure enough, Hunter and Oldroyd win the race.
Day 8 – The
Presentation
The
men are all lined up before Don. Don congratulates the men on their valiant
participation over the past seven days:
“I
would like to thank each of you for the effort you have made. Each of you has
shown exemplary skill in a particular event: Hornblower – archery; Hunter and
Oldroyd – the three legged race; Kennedy – uneven bars and diving; Styles –
shot put and Matthews – canoeing. I present each of you with a gold medallion
in honor of your victories.” And he dresses them with their medals.
Two
days later, Hunter makes a foolish attempt to escape.
THE END.
*****