A Few Crude Men….

 

Hornblower, Cotard and Bush have decided to take it upon themselves to cook dinner, after the Steward’s cooking proves to be a miserable failure…

 

Cotard (Hysterical at discovering dirty pots and pans in the cupboard): Do you seriously expect me to cook using these filthy pots and pans! The Ad-mir-al, required you to wash all utensils before cooking!

 

Hornblower (Perplexed but unnerved): Stick ‘em in the dishwasher

 

Cotard: It is not working.

 

Hornblower: Very well, Mr Bush, pick up that mildewed scourer and begin scrubbing!

 

Bush: But Sir –

 

Hornblower: Don’t disobey me, damn you!

 

(1/2 hour later)

 

Hornblower: Bush, make sure Major Cotard bastes the chicken thoroughly before grilling it.

 

Bush (slightly irritated): He IS.

 

Hornblower: Mr Bush, lay aft here. DON’T use that tone of voice when replying to an order.

 

Bush: Show me more respect with your orders, Sir, and I won’t.

 

Hornblower (reddening with anger): Are you suggesting Mutiny, man?!

 

Bus: No Sir, we all serve the king.

 

(Another ½ hour later)

 

Bush (Interrupts Cotard’s food preparation): Cotard….what’s this?

 

Cotard: Pepper, Mayonnaise, Djon Mustard…and some lovely purple turnips.

 

(Bush is speechless).

 

Cotard: May I continue?

 

Bush (to Hornblower): But Sir, you know I can’t eat –

 

Hornblower: Turnips, William? I know, I know. You, Major Cotard, belay those Turnips.

 

Cotard: How long ‘ave you been cooking, Monsieur?

 

Hornblower: Ha’hm this IS my first time, Major Cotard.

 

Cotard: Exactment. I respect your cooking experience, and I would like you to respect mine.

 

Hornblower: But Mr Bush here suffers from a serious medical condition. Turnips give him a rather unpleasant rash.

 

Cotard: The taste of Turnips will only be brief, I assure you, Mr ‘Ornblower.

 

Bush: As Frenchman’s loyalty.

 

(sharp look from both Cotard and Hornblower).

 

Hornblower (relenting): As you wish, Major.

 

Bush (firing up): Leave the Turnips out, you….froggy gentleman, or I’ll cook you.

 

(Bush threatens to sabotage meal by dangling fish oil above the pot where the chicken is cooking).

 

Hornblower and Cotard: Nooooooo!

 

(Bush pours entire bottle into pot before anyone can stop him).

 

Cotard (hysterical): If this is a joke it is in poor taste!! You wouldn’t understand, Booosh, of taking pride in cooking, you….you…..mutton-headed mad cow!

 

(Cotard lunges at Bush with a sharp kitchen knife. Hornblower throws half a glass of wine onto Cotard’s face. Cotard rounds angrily at Hornblower and furiously smears whipped cream into his hair and face).

 

Cotard: I never miss, Captain!

 

(Bush intervenes to defend Hornblower and a massive food fight erupts. Raw eggs and hot potatoes fly around the galley. Hornblower lunges to catch each item before it hits the deck. Before long, the three of them are on the ground, furiously squirming to wrench the can of whipped cream free from Cotard’s grasp. They only stop when they see a long, white, stockingged leg planted before them. They look up awkwardly into the shocked face of Admiral Pellew).

 

(Later, in Pellew’s cabin).

 

Pellew (rousing): YOU HAD NO BUSINESS GETTING INTO A FOOD FIGHT WITH MAJOR COTARD! HE MIGHT HAVE BLOWN YOU OUT OF THE GALLEY!

 

Hornblower: But –

 

Pellew (oblivious to Hornblower’s interjection): There’s foolishness and foolhardiness on one hand, and sense and sensibility on the other!!

 

Hornblower: But –

 

Pellew: I mean, for God sakes man, you’re a man, damn it! It’s time you put away such childish things!!

 

Hornblower: But -

 

Pellew (slightly softer): But….even a man needs to sometimes feel he is living in a world of such pure childish imagination.

 

(Pellew’s eyes twinkle and he retrieves a long silver spoon from his breast pocket. Shot of delicious pie in the shape of a fort can be seen in the background).

 

Pellew (Handing spoon to Hornblower): Sir, will you do me the honor of firing the first broadside attack?

 

Hornblower (smiling): With pleasure, Sir.