Simpson’s New Clothes

Simpson is ticked off he didn’t pass his examination for lieutenant. Out of want to fulfil a fantasy of being noble and important, he sneaks into Pellew’s room, rummages through his wardrobe, and begins trying on his uniform. He puts on Pellew’s breeches and his jacket, he ties his neck tie around his own neck, pops on his cocked hat with the gold trimming, and admires his reflection in the full length mirror, assuming elaborate poses. He places his right hand on his hip with his right foot forward, and gestures with his other hand as if engaging in witty repartee with an imaginary listener.

Suddenly, the door of Pellew’s cabin flies open and there is Lieutenant Bracegirdle, looking strangely at him.

“What the DEVIL are you doing, Simpson?” Bracegirdle demands.

Just as he says this, the figure of Kennedy is seen walking across the corridor, with his head engrossed in a book.

Simpson blames Kennedy.

“It was HIM!!” Simpson cries, raising an accusing finger at Kennedy. “He’s the one that dared me to come in here and try on the Captain’s uniform… lest I should be at the mercy of his inquisition!!”

Kennedy looks up from his book and says pointedly “It’s got nothing to do with me, Simpson. You got yourself into your own mess” and walks away briskly, leaving Simpson looking stupid.

Bracegirdle also doesn’t believe Simpson, and says plainly “Alright Simpson, you better come along with me to Pellew’s office.”

Several Senior Officers are leaning outside Pellew’s office, trying desperately to eavesdrop on the conversation that is taking place within. Kennedy is one of them.

“What do you think will happen to him?” whispers Hether.

Kennedy, who is leaning casually against the door way with his arms crossed, replies “Don’t know, hard to say. The last officer that got caught with ransacking the Captain’s uniforms had to walk naked through the gauntlet.”

Hether contemplates the image with horror.

Then Cleaveland says “Maybe they’ll sack the bastard.”

Just as he says this, Hornblower walks past, minding his own business. Kennedy gestures him to stop and join the group of eavesdroppers. Hornblower wants none of it, but Kennedy insists, so Hornblower reluctantly joins in. Then curiosity gets the better of him and he presses his ear against the door.

Inside the room, Simpson is sitting upright and attentive like a child in a classroom, his bright blue eyes shining innocently at Pellew. Pellew doesn’t feel like screaming today and is more curious to know what kind of grown man would play dress-ups. He paces back and forth, all the while keeping a fixed eye on Simpson.

“Did you try on my breeches?” Pellew asks curtly.

“Oh, indeed I did” comes Simpson’s swift reply.

“And my boots?”

“Yes.”

“And…” here Pellew hesitates “And….my under-garments too?”

“Yeees” oozes Simpson, like a child who has just been asked if he wants fairy floss.

Pellew stops pacing back and forth and leans both hands on the desk that is separating himself and Simpson.

“Why?” Pellew asks.

“Because Sir, I wanted to know what it was like to be you. To be a man of such nobility and strength. I felt that if I tried on the uniform I would know how it feels to be that man.”

“And what about my under-garments?”

Simpson turns on the charm: “Your under-garments are the most comfortable thing I have worn in a long time, Sir. Sometimes I go for DAYS without wearing any underpants to prevent the chaffing.”

Pellew squints for a brief moment. He really didn’t need to know that.

After this bizarre inquisition is over, Pellew decides to release Simpson with a very stern warning. As Simpson rises to take his leave, he bows slightly with his hat under his arm and says “aye aye Sir, thank you Sir” and opens the door. The officers who have been eavesdropping instantly recoil and pretend they are studying something very important in the ship’s framework. Simpson pauses and regards them for a moment as he realises they have been eavesdropping.

Then Simpson puffs out his chest even further like a proud cockatoo as he struts pass them and down the long corridor, showing off that no punishment was issued to him. The officers observe his proud walk with spite.

“There goes the biggest clothes horse in His Majesty’s Navy. Too bad there is no master to whip him” says Kennedy with dismay.

************

After this bizarre incident, Pellew orders Bracegirdle to organise a huge bonfire to burn all the clothes Simpson tried on.

“What about your breeches, Sir?” asks Bracegirdle.

“The breeches included, Mr Bracegirdle, leave nothing to chance” replies Pellew.

“And your – erm – undergarments, Sir?”

“Especially the undergarments” is Pellew’s foreboding reply.

So the bonfire goes ahead but Bracegirdle pretends to the crew it’s for something else, so they won’t become disorderly with hysterics.

After the bonfire, Pellew visits the hold to see if there are any spare Captain’s uniforms, and realises there are none. Yet there is NO WAY he is wearing a Lieutenant’s uniform until a new Captain’s uniform is made up for him – NO WAY!! There is only one choice.

***********

“For the next three weeks, we will have CASUAL CLOTHES DAYS on board the Indy!” announces Pellew.

“Yay!” comes the cry of approval. Everyone loves it when it’s casual clothes day.

“The only rule is that you refrain from wearing t-shirts with profanity written on them. Apart from that you can wear anything you like.”

“Yay!”

“No uniforms for three weeks!”

“No uniforms for three weeks!!”

The next day, everyone turns up on the Indy wearing their favourite casual gear. Eccelston is wearing a flannel shirt with rolled up sleeves, King-Gee shorts he bought from Lowes, and big boots with scrunched down grey socks like the ones plumbers wear. In fact, all in all, he looks like a plumber.

Simpson is wearing a Metallica singlet top, faded jeans and thongs. Since it’s casual clothes day, he also takes the liberty of walking around with a cigarette in one hand and a VB bottle in the other.

Hornblower is decked out in his Addidas tracksuit, with a tight-fitting Bonds top and his favourite pair of cross-trainers.

Kennedy is wearing corduroy pants and his Sun-shine Gold Coast t-shirt that he bought on his holiday to Brisbane three years before.

Clayton is wearing a t-shirt supporting breast-cancer research, before snickers from his crew mates forces him to abandon his show of support for women’s causes and wear clothes the crew are more accustomed to seeing him in, including a grey polo-necked sweater, well-fitting blue jeans, and hiking boots.

Captain Pellew is wearing a sleek, black, polo-necked sweater, a good pair of tailored camel trousers, and a pair of size 9 black shoes. He is also wearing expensive cologne.

The only ones not officially wearing casual clothes are Styles, Matthews, Finch and Oldroyd, since they have been wearing exactly the same outfit every day of their lives ever since they joined the Navy.

*********

Eccelston is scrutinising his reflection in the window. Simpson walks past.

“Simpson” says Eccelston while looking sideways at himself, “do these shorts make my butt look big?”

Simpson squeezes his chin as he considers the question.

“No” Simpson says finally. “None that I can see.”

“You think?” iterates Eccelston.

“No” Simpson says again. “You have a fine figure Sir.”

But Eccelston feels insecure. “See?” he shows Simpson, sandwiching a thumb between his huge pot-belly and his pants “there’s room there.”

“Indeed” lies Simpson.

“Oh let’s face it, I really ought to lose some weight.”

“And be like Mr Kennedy?!”

“Do you think he’s too skinny?”

“Really too skinny” bitches Simpson. “He’s probably bulimic.”

“Hornblower doesn’t think so.”

“Who cares what Hornblower thinks.”

“If we reduced our rations like it says in the weight-watchers guide, we’d all be starving peasants! Simpson, how do you manage to stay so thin?”

“I have a fast metabolism – just good genes, I suppose. My mother was a model and my father was an Olympic boxing champion.”

“Oh really?” says Eccelston. “Did he ever box for Oxford or Cambridge?”

“No, but in his spare time he used to kill for the CIA.”

Eccelston regards himself some more, and then slowly begins to admire himself, until a huge grin of pride stretches across his face. “Yes, I suppose you’re right, Mr Simpson, I suppose you’re right, a man needs a body built like a tower to elevate him above the rest.”

*********

Mr Kennedy turns up to work with a Kylie Minogue T-shirt.

“It’s from her last Intimate and Live Australian Tour” explains Kennedy to Hornblower, who is smitten by the blonde image on the t-shirt smiling seductively at him.

“Barbara Streisand does it for me” interjects Styles. “I absolutely loved her in funny face.”

“What about you, Horatio?” asks Kennedy, but Horatio is too shy to say who his ultimate crush is.

“Oh c’mon, tell us Sir” begs Oldroyd.

Hornblower regards the men with suspicion, then mumbles his response: “Julie Andrews.”

Styles’ eyes grow wide with excitement. “Julie? Julie Andrews?!!!” and the entire gathering emit pearls of laughter with tears streaming down their faces. Fancy that! Hornblower having a “thing” for Ms Julie Andrews! A woman more than twice his age!

“Alright that’s enough!” snaps Hornblower. “About your work now.”

But Styles persists: “Oh she was a right old lady in Mary Poppins” and he starts singing the first verse of the Chimney Sweep song:

Chim chiminey

Chim chiminey

Chim chim cher-ee!

A sweep is as lucky

As lucky can be

Chim chiminey

Chim chiminey

Chim chim cher-oo!

Good luck will rub off when 

I shake 'ands with you

Or blow me a kiss

And that's lucky too

Hornblower gives in to the spirit of the humor and says “actually Styles, I loved her the moment she sang Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. ”

“Supercalifragilisticexpiali-what?” quizzes Styles.

“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” repeats Kennedy, knowing full well what this means.

“Yes” says Hornblower, and he sings:

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

Because I was afraid to speak 

When I was just a lad

My father gave me nose a tweak

And told me I was bad

But then one day I learned a word

That saved me aching nose

The biggest word I ever heard 

And this is how it goes:

Oh, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Even though the sound of it

Is something quite atrocious

If you say it loud enough

You'll always sound precocious

Supercalifragilisticexpiali-

“MR HORNBLOWER!!” comes a stern shout form the poopdeck. 

“Sir!!” Hornblower turns and sees Pellew standing bow-legged and looking very serious.