ADVERTISEMENT – “PREVARICATE”

 

(Archie walks slowly towards camera with hands clasping)

 

Archie: Statistics show that 9 out of 10 people will suffer from a headache in their lifetime.

             Headaches range from a mere tingling in the head to splitting migraines. There

             are many headache tablets on the market, but the No. 1 Bestseller is

             “Prevaricate”. Studies show that it is so efficient because it contains active

             ingredients that stop the pain within 2 minutes to 24 hours.

 

(turns aside)

 

             What can I do for you, Mr Bush?

 

Bush: I have been suffering from a headache for 7 years. I’ve tried everything, including eating

          turnips, but so far nothing has worked. Is there nothing I can take to keep my mind

          off the pain?

 

Archie: (turns to other side, to Dr Clive)

 

             Mr Bush has been suffering from a headache for the past 7 years. Is there nothing he

             can take to keep his mind off the pain?

 

Dr Clive: Come, come. (Holds a packet of “Prevaricate” between his thumb and forefinger

                in a sinister manner). An ounce of “Prevaricate” for the pain, and all will be

                forgotten.

                

Horatio: (comes into shot)

 

               Forgotten, Dr Clive. But forgiven?

 

Archie: (privately to Horatio)

 

             No, no, Horatio. This is only an advertisement – we’re not talking about Wellard.

             Dr Clive really is giving his medical opinion.

 

(uneasiness between them)

 

Horatio: (moves uncomfortably, but then covers his embarrassment with a stern

               expression)

 

               Yes, well…carry on… (walks off)

 

(back to Bush)

 

Bush: (swallows a tablet of Prevaricate)

 

           Hmmm, yes… (rubs his throat in a soothing, contrived way)…my throat feels

           much better (takes a deep breath)…ready, aim….FIRE!!!

 

Archie: Er, no, Mr Bush. It’s a headache tablet, remember? – Not a throat lozenge.

 

Bush: (dumbfounded) What are you implying, Mr Kennedy? I don’t think I care very

           much for your tone, Sir!

 

Archie: (sapphire bullets flutter nervously)

 

             Yes, well…as you can see, there is clearly a satisfied customer. Just take a look

             at these other testimonies:

 

 

(Cut to Buckland, new scene)

 

Buckland: (holding his head in pain) I have a headache! Ah! God help us!

 

                  (a hand comes in shot to give him a packet of  Prevaricate)

 

                  Ah, yes...Prevaricate…Good, good…Glad to hear it.

 

 

(Cut to Bunting, new scene)

 

Bunting: I took…(struggles to read label on packet)…P...Per…Pervecate, and it made me

               better, bloody be’’er, it did! …Wasn’t always like that…me friend died from

               starvation, he did! No “Pervecate” could help him then!…(trails on…) I wasn’t

               gunna live with–

 

 

(Cut to Don Massaredo, new scene)

 

Don Massaredo: (takes one look at the packet of Prevaricate in his hand)

 

                            …What do you want me to say? (looks at the camera man)

 

 

(Cut to Sawyer, new scene)

 

Sawyer: (speaking slowly and knowingly)

 

               So, so…you want me to take “Prevaricate” (picking up the packet slowly)…this

               poisonous medicine. You conspired to poison your captain behind his back!

               What’s that you say? That I have no life, no friends, no self-control, dither,

dither, dither. Lying, plotting, scheming, making up medicines… DECEIVE ME!!

 

 

(Cut back to Archie and Dr Clive)

 

Archie: Now, Dr Clive, are there any side effects?

 

Dr Clive: (defensive) Side effects? What side effects?!

 

Archie: From taking “Prevaricate”. Like headache or nausea…or getting the heebie-

             jeebies?

 

Dr Clive: I know this medicine, I’ve conceived it with my own hands! (trembling with

               rage).

 

Bush: You’ve over-dosed, damn it, you’ve over-dosed.

 

Archie: In plain English, Dr Clive, are there any side effects from taking “Prevaricate”?

 

Dr Clive: There have been some isolated cases, not extreme, of the meninges inflaming,

                causing the brain cells to collide with co-efficient of heat expansion…Memory

                loss, in plain English.

 

Archie: So what is a safe dosage of  “Prevaricate”?

 

Dr Clive: Some people need fifty gallons before they notice any difference. Some others

                 (pointing to Sawyer) only need half a packet shoved down their throat before

                 they are subdued. There!

 

     Well, I don’t know! …You decide! Cure yerselves!!

 

 

(Cut back to Archie, looking directly at camera)

 

Archie: So there you have it. “Prevaricate” is the most clinically advanced

             pharmaceutical remedy for headaches and other brain ailments. Take only as

             directed. And if pain persists, KEEP PREVARICATING.

 

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