Enjoy.
Leo 4
Joan Rivers
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.
"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."
Emo Philips.
"When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better."
Mae West.
"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."
Elton John.
"My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen
"A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing."
Phyllis Diller
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it?.. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher-and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves,
is it considered a hostage situation?
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Is there another word for synonym?
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
<-------- The information went data way -------->
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Hit any user to continue.
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing
with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one
meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal
that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he
has the right to remain silent?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A king's castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life's a bitch, then you die.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Old Macdonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
QUARKBAR - the candy with flavor and charm.
QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
When in doubt, ignore it.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.