Season 8
Advance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 1
Well, Advance Wars 2.5 has recently jumped the shark. Common sense would dictate that it would be best to stop it and leave it while it still has its dignity.
However, because TV producers apparently know something we don�t (why else would they keep shows going on a season after they jumped the shark?), we have decided to drag it on ONE more season. After all, they did it with all sorts of great shows, and ended up ruining them!
Anyway...
-Black Hole-
Sturm: This is the last season. It�s our last chance to take over Wars World before the series ends.
Flak: ...
Lash: ...
Adder: ...
Hawke: ???
Sturm: Anyway, so I say we conquer Blue Moon first! Our previous large-scale invasion didn�t work because of the unfortunate fact that we spread ourselves too thin. So we attack one country at a time, fortify our resources, attack another, and continue. We�ll conquer all of Wars World with my brilliant strategy!
Hawke: Did you actually think of that yourself?
Sturm: No, I just downloaded it off the internet.
Hawke: I should have known.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: What do you know? Someone actually downloaded my war plans file. Maybe I should share more files using LimeWire! Let�s see...let�s start with these songs from a CD I just got...
Police burst in.
Policeman: Lord Seth, you are under arrest for violating copyright laws!
Lord Seth: Huh? What? Wait! Let go of me! This is all a misunderstanding! Seriously! I could use a little help here. Anyone? Please? MOMMY!!!!
Meanwhile...
Hachi: Now it�s time for my latest scheme to make lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lotslots of money!
Employee: You do know all of that was just a space filler, right?
Hachi: Yep. So?
Employee: I was just making sure.
Hachi: Anyway, here�s the idea: We make a bunch of fake Magic cards and then sell them for high prices.
Employee: Won�t we be arrested for copyright infringement?
Hachi: Probably, but who cares?
One arrest later...
Hachi: Hey! Let go of me! I was just trying to make a little money! Is that a crime?
Policeman: Yes.
Hachi: Drat.
Later...
Nell: Should we bail Hachi out of prison?
Andy: OUT OF PRISON?! Don�t you remember all the bad stuff he did to us?
Nell: Good point. Let�s bail him out of prison instead.
Andy: *sigh*
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Okay Colin, NOW we�re going to improve your grades.
Colin: You�re not going to.
Grit: Why?
Colin: Because every time you say you will, something happens that prevents you from doing that.
Outside...
Sturm: Surrender immediately! And give us all your hot dogs!
Grit: We gave you all our hot dogs the last time you invaded us!
Sturm: But you must have made more hot dogs since then!
Olaf: No, people don�t sell hot dogs anymore. A bunch of people complained about cruelty to dogs. Is that okay with you?
Sturm: Sure. I�ll just kill you all instead.
Colin: Oh, fudge.
Will the Blue Moon COs survive? Probably not. But be sure to tune in anyway to the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5 VIII!
Advance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 2
Previously, Black Hole had the Blue Moon COs surrounded. I�m sure they�ll pull off a last-minute escape...
Grit: Quick! Look for a ventilation shaft!
Colin: WHY WOULD THERE BE A VENTILATION SHAFT?! And shouldn�t we be dead already?
Sturm: You normally would be, but we�re out of ammunition. Don�t worry, we should be done refueling in a few minutes.
Colin: RUN!!!!!
The Blue Moon COs run.
Sturm: Drat. Why didn�t we get the easy-reload brand? Or just knock them out?
Hawke: Because we wanted to surprise the audience, as they were expecting the Blue Moon COs to die.
Meanwhile...
Colin: This escape was going fine until we fell into quicksand.
Olaf: Don�t worry! I didn�t fall in! I�ll go get help! Don�t worry! *runs off*
Grit: We�re doomed.
1 Month Later...
Olaf: I�m back! Uh, Colin? Grit? Where are you? Oh well, I guess they must have escaped somehow.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Blue Moon is now under our control. Our next target is Green Earth.
Hawke: Er...with a bunch of our forces already occupying Blue Moon, how do you expect to conquer Green Earth?
Sturm: I�ve managed to force...er, I mean recruit, a bunch of people from Blue Moon.
Earlier...
Blue Moon Citizen: Why should I join your army? You conquered my country!
Sturm: We�ve got a good dental plan.
Blue Moon Citizen: Sold!
The present...
Sturm: So, it�s up to us to bring peace and prosperity by conquering everyone!
Hawke: That makes no sense!
Sturm: Exactly!
Lash: Come to think of it, why ARE we trying to conquer all the countries?
Sturm: I don�t know, but there must be a good reason. Something about an interesting plot.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Oh great. Black Hole is attacking. Again.
Drake: Oh, don�t worry. I bet everything will turn out the way it did before.
Eagle: We died before, remember?
Drake: Oh yeah. Good point.
Black Hole tanks surround Drake and Eagle.
Drake: See? The same!
Eagle: No, it�s not the same. Jess isn�t with us. So as long as she�s not here, we�re fine!
The manhole next to them open and Jess comes out.
Jess: Sorry, I must�ve taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
Drake: Oh great. Now we�re doomed.
The cannons all shoot at Drake, Jess, and Eagle and they all die.
Sturm: Yes! We have conquered another country! Now for another one!
Sorry, Sturm, but you�ll have to wait until next episode!
Sturm: I�m not going to wait! I�m going to conquer Yellow Comet and/or Orange Star NOW!
Will Sturm manage to conquer them before this episode ends?
Sturm: Done! Conquered them!
Er...um...will they manage to break free of Black Hole�s control? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VIII!
Advance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 3
Sturm: We�ve finally conquered all of Wars World. But what�s this weird mist stuff?
Lash: I dunno. It just came out of nowhere and has engulfed the planet.
Sturm: Where�s Flak? I�d like him to see this.
Lash: I dunno. He had some weird appointment or something.
Meanwhile...
Flak: What am I doing here? And where am I?
Lord Seth: Um...you�re not on Wars World. And I don�t know what you�re doing here.
Flak: Well, send me back!
Lord Seth: Um, I can�t.
Flak: What?
Lord Seth: Some kind of weird mist is interfering with the transmission. Once it clears up, I�ll send you home.
One clearing up later...
Flak: Well, I�m back everyone.
Sturm: ...
Hawke: ...
Adder: ...
Lash: ...
Flak: You�re strangely quiet.
Lash: Must...kill...non...believer...
Flak: Oh no! You�ve all been turned into zombies!
Lash: What are you talking about? You�re crazy.
Flak (thinking): Oh, they think I�m crazy, huh? Well, I�m the only one that�s NOT crazy! But they�ll see. Oh, how they�ll see. Soon-
Lord Seth: All right, that�s enough craziness for one episode.
Flak: But all the episodes are crazy!
Lord Seth: So I have to make sure the rest of this episode isn�t crazy.
Adder: How do you plan to do that?
Lord Seth: END THE EPISODE ALREADY!!!
Sorry for the shortness of the episode, but I guess we�re ending it in a cheesy way. Just be sure to turn into the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5 V+III!
Lord Seth: Oh great. We just went over our craziness limit.
Advance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 4
Sturm: After all that craziness in the last episode, let�s hope we can get a calm, serious episode this time.
Hawke: With Lord Seth as the author? That�s pretty much impossible.
Sturm: In any case, all of Wars World is under our control. So I don�t see any need for any more episodes.
Lord Seth: Good point. Let�s end it here.
Flak: Remember that thing about jumping the shark?
Lord Seth: Yes.
Flak: I think we�ve jumped it multiple times already.
No questions to ask now, you know! After all, it�s the end. What do you expect me to do? No, seriously! What should I do? Oh great, there�s some questions already. Um, in any case, tune in next time to...wait, there won�t be another episode. Forget it.
Advance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 5
Um...I don�t even know why you readers are still here. We just did the last episode.
Lord Seth: Well, we heard some complaints about the bad guys winning.
Oh great. So we�re going to drag it on even LONGER and have everyone get fed up?
Lord Seth: Uh...yeah. Besides, Black Hole can�t hold onto its territories forever, can it?
1 Year Later...
Lord Seth: Oh, shut up.
I didn�t say anything.
Lord Seth: You said the �1 Year Later...� thing!
Oh...yeah...
Lord Seth: Um...let�s see...in Blue Moon...no resistance. Yellow Comet...no resistance. Green Earth...no resistance. Oh, there�s some in Orange Star! Wow!
-Orange Star-
Andy: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Hachi: How will it give me money?
Andy: There�s more to this world than money, you know.
Hachi: There is? Hmmm...never thought of it like that before.
Andy: Anyway, so we all sneak into the Black Hole base, flush all of the toilets simultaneously, causing the pipes to explode, and-
Nell: Wasn�t this from Bloom County?
Andy: Yes, that�s where I got the idea. Anyway, after the pipes explode, the place will be flooded, and we�ll all be able to rise up and throw off Black Hole.
Sami: That has got to be the dumbest plan I�ve ever heard!
Andy: Oh...yeah...right...well, it�s better than sitting here, on our butts, doing nothing, right?
Max: Not at all! I�m a proud sitonmybuttdoingnothinger!
Andy: *sigh* Just follow the plan.
One 100 flushings (not to mention an overused joke) later...
Flak: Oh great. Our base is destroyed.
Soldier: What do we do now?
Flak: Let�s just head back to Black Hole.
Meanwhile...
Andy: Yes! We did it! Black Hole is retreating!
Sami: Andy, they�re just leaving for their lunch break.
One lunch break and one overused joke later...
Andy: They�re back from their lunch break.
Max: Oh well. I�m sure we�ll beat them.
The Orange Star army defeats the Black Hole army and throws them out of Orange Star.
Andy: I wonder how Blue Moon, Yellow Comet, and Green Earth are doing.
Some time later...
Sturm: Well, Orange Star has thrown us out. But I don�t think anyone else will throw us out.
Adder: I�m not sure...once one country starts beating us, it seems everyone will throw us out.
Sure enough, a bunch of throwing outs later...
Sturm: This is bad. All the countries have thrown us out and will probably come attacking us.
Sure enough...
Sturm: We�re doomed.
Lash: Maybe not.
Flak (sarcastically): Oh, there are tanks outside from every other army, bombers above us, and rockets and artillery pointing at us. I�m sure we�re not doomed.
The bombs all bomb, the rockets and artillery, not to mention the tanks, all fire, and all the Black Hole COs are killed.
Eagle: YES!
Is this the end of Black Hole? If so, what will come of this new world? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VIII!
Advance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 6
Well, we�re over halfway through this season. And about time, too! Anyway, Black Hole took over the other countries, but they overthrew Black Hole and conquered Black Hole.
Sturm: Wait! I still have my trump card!
Jess: Didn�t it just say we killed you?
Sturm: Can�t believe everything you read. Anyway, I just have to press this button, and a giant missile will hit us all and kill us! Heck, I�ll do it right now!
Time passes.
Sturm: Um...when will that missile hit us?
The missile hits Black Hole and everyone dies!!!
Lord Seth: Um...wouldn�t this have been a better ENDING for this episode?
Good point. Let�s end it right now.
Lord Seth: How many sharks have we jumped?
Too many.
Lord Seth: *sigh*
With everyone dead, how will this story continue? Guess you�ll find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5!
Lord Seth: Oh, why are we even bothering with this? Everyone already KNOWS that somehow all the characters will come back to life...
Advance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 7
Previously, Sturm launched a giant missile at Black Hole, killing everyone. Let's check there...um, there's nothing. Well, there's go to be a CO alive SOMEWHERE, or else we'll have to end this story right here.
Readers: YAAAAAAYYYY!
Lord Seth: Oh, shut up.
Readers: We hate you.
Lord Seth: Oh man, now my READERS turn on me too? I've got to get on with this already.
-Blue Moon-
Colin: I'm the only surviving CO! All right!
Soldier: So, what are your plans, sir?
Colin: Since I'm the head CO, I'm going to make a new law saying that I can never get anything lower than a 90% on a test.
One new law-
Lord Seth: Cut! Hold it! We're not going on with THIS gag again!
Colin: I'm making a another new law. It says that everyone who's died in this story so far will come back to life, barring those who died of old age-
Meanwhile in the afterlife...
Old Person: Oh, yeah, of course. Forget about us, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Er...what was I talking about?
Meanwhile on Wars World...
Olaf: Well, thanks for bringing us back, Colin.
Colin: Your welcome.
Grit: Shouldn't that be "you're welcome"? I mean, after all, you are saying "You are welcome", and "you're" is the shorter form of "you are". "Your" is a completely different word. Of course, you may be saying that it's his welcome, in which case "Your welcome" could make sense. Still-
Olaf: SHUT UP! Anyway, Colin, I thank you for bringing us back. But you didn't go to Black Hole like you were supposed to, so you're sentenced to cleaning toilets for a year!
Colin: What?
Olaf: Good point. I did that already. You're sentenced to cleaning floors for a year!
Colin: I hate my life.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Grrr...we're running out of time. We don't have much time left before the story ends, and we need to be sure we're in control of Wars World by then!
Hawke: We tried that before and ended up getting ourselves killed.
Sturm: So what?
Hawke: (bide your time, Hawke...bide your time)
Sturm: Anyway, Hawke, your latest mission is to run naked in front of all the new recruits.
Hawke: WHY?!
Sturm: I have my reasons.
Hawke: (I'm going to kill you...)
Sturm: Did you say something?
Hawke: Nope! Nothing!
-Green Earth-
Eagle: So what's our next zany antic?
Drake: Ending the episode right here?
Lord Seth: Oh no you don't. I'm not repeating THAT joke again.
Will Lord Seth repeat that joke again?
Lord Seth: No! And don't you DARE end it here!
Will I dare end it here?
Lord Seth: I need to get a new narrator.
Will Lord Seth get a new narrator?
Lord Seth: Okay! Okay! You win! We'll end this episode here.
I've already used up all my questions, so I'll make this quick and tell you to tune into the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5 VIII!
Advance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 8
Previously, another lame episode occurred.
-Black Hole-
Hawke: Black Hole will never be victorious as long as Sturm is its leader! I�m going to dispose of him and take my rightful place as leader of Black Hole!
Sturm: Thanks for reminding me! Be sure to take out the garbage disposal.
Hawke: Grrrr...
Hawke launches some poison darts at Sturm while Sturm�s back is turned, but since Sturm is metallic, it does nothing.
Hawke: Drats.
Lord Seth: This is going to turn out to be something like Stewie on Family Guy, isn�t it?
Hawke and Sturm: Probably.
Lord Seth: Great. Just great.
-Yellow Comet-
Kanbei: It is time to strengthen the army.
Sonja: Strengthen? They�re even stronger than Sturm�s units!
Kanbei: But they cost more! We should be getting more from the amount we spend.
Sonja: They cost 20% more and are 30% stronger. That�s a good deal.
Kanbei: No, a good deal would be if they were 10% stronger.
Sonja: What did you get in math class?
Kanbei: Kanbei refuses to say!
Sonja: You failed it, didn�t you?
Kanbei: Preposterous! Kanbei never fails anything!
Sonja: I�m going to have you teach you math.
Kanbei: Kanbei is too brilliant to require math instruction! I�m throwing you in the dungeon just for suggesting that!
Sonja: Oh no, you�re not... *stops as she remembers what happened last time*
A pause.
Kanbei: Not what?
Sonja: Nothing!
Kanbei: I�m not doing nothing? Well, that�s a double negative, so that must mean I am doing something! Anyway, THROW HER IN THE DUNGEON!!!
Sonja: Not AGAIN...I just hope the rabid monkey isn�t in there again.
Sure enough...
Sonja: Phew! No rabid monkey this time!
Sonja notices a rat foaming at the mouth.
Sonja: Oh great.
The rat starts attacking Sonja.
Meanwhile...
Hachi: I�ve decided that money isn�t everything, so I�m going to donate all my money to all the needy people in the world.
Employee: Do you really mean that, sir?
Hachi: Of course not! What do you think I am?
Employee (under his breath): A greedy, power-hungry wannabe-monopolist who should be in prison.
Hachi: What?
Employee: Nothing!
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Now that I�m leader again, I expect everyone to respect me again.
Grit: Olaf, no one ever respected you before.
Olaf (sadly): That�s true.
Colin: I finished cleaning all the floors. Can I go to sleep now?
Olaf: Nope. According to these cool cameras I just had made, Rooms 1-10 are still dirty.
Colin: But I cleaned those already!
Olaf: They�re dirty again.
Colin: I hate my life.
Olaf: Don�t worry, once they�re clean you can go to sleep.
Hours later...
Colin: I finished with the rooms. Now what?
Olaf: Rooms 11-20 are dirty again. You�ll have to clean them again!
Hours later...
Colin: Done. Finally.
Olaf: Sorry, but the rest of the rooms are dirty now.
Colin: ARGH!
Hours later...
Colin: All right. NOW can I go to sleep? Please?
Olaf: No. The other rooms are dirty again.
Colin: HOW do they keep getting dirty?
Olaf: After you�re done cleaning the rooms, we use them for mess halls!
Colin faints.
Olaf: Was it something I said?
Meanwhile!
Lord Seth: Shouldn�t that be �meanwhile...�?
Meanwhile! requires fewer characters, and we�re running low on funds. We had to cut corners.
Lord Seth: Oh. How else are you planning to cut-
Advance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 9
Previously, a bunch of stuff happened, none of which I�ll bother to describe.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: We�re running out of time! No time for the elaborate foolproof plan I�ve concocted. Instead, let�s just ALL-OUT ATTACK!
Hawke: We tried that two times already! It doesn�t work!
Sturm: Third time�s the charm!
Hawke: Earlier on you said a million and fifty-sixth time�s the charm.
Sturm: Yeah, that�s a charm, too!
Hawke: You do know I�m going to kill you, right?
Sturm: What? Did you say something?
Hawke: Er...
Sturm: So let�s PULVERIZE THE #$#! out of them!
The Black Hole army (man, they regenerate FAST) goes and tries to conquer Black Hole...er, I mean Wars World, and is crushed.
Sturm: Drat. I have a new plan.
Hawke: *sigh* What?
Sturm: We�ll send Lash, Adder, Flak, and you to infiltrate the armies of the other countries. That way we�ll know their secrets and can feed them false information, allowing us to conquer them!
Hawke: ...
Adder: ...
Flak: ...
Lash: ^_^ Girl Power!!!!!
Sturm: Don�t worry. You�ll all be in disguise.
Later in Blue Moon...
Colin: Er...why do I have the strangest feeling I�ve met you before?
Lash (in a VERY bad disguise): Deja vu?
Colin: Good enough a reason for me! You�re in!
Meanwhile!
Worker: Ratings are going down! And down! And down! And down! My only hope to save this story is to end it right now!
Lord Seth: What? When I�ve just started a new part of the plot?
Worker: Afraid so.
Lord Seth: Well, you know what they say...but I don�t.
Worker: So what are we going to do?
Lord Seth: *sigh* Guess I have no other choice. Get me the thingamathingy!
Some people wheel in a...thingamathingy.
Lord Seth: Only one thing to do! Go back to before this story first started and rewrite history so none of this whacky stuff happens!
Lord Seth presses one of the buttons on the thingamathingy.
About 6 years earlier... (give or take an eon)
Nell: Blue Moon has invaded Orange Star?!
Soldier: It appears that way.
Nell: Only one thing to do: Drive them out. But first we need one of those adviser people to help us...
Soldier: Don�t worry. I know JUST the person!
The End (for real this time, I promise)
Coming soon from Lord Seth: Advance Wars 2.75 AND Advance Wars 1.5!
Lord Seth: Wait a minute, I never promised to do that! I never signed anything! Listen to me here! If you keep on advertising for this kind of thing, I�ll quit! I mean it! And fade out already! I�m tired of-
Want more insanity? Read Advance Wars 2.75!
Back to the main page!