After only 15 minutes of pushing, not to mention 36 hours of labor, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl , which her father and I named Alaina Michelle. She was tiny, weighing only four pounds and eight ounces, yet she was perfect. My little angel. I never knew the love one's heart could encompass until I laid eyes upon this beautiful being. This piece of heaven sent to teach us all of love. She instantly became the center of everyone's world. Our dreams and expectations had all been exceeded upon her arrival. Over the next few weeks, her sleepy sighs and burning eyes filled my heart. She doubled in weight. She was so healthy, so feisty, with so much personality. On October 12th, 2002, only six weeks after my earthly angel had arrived, she had already received her wings. It was a dreary Saturday morning. We had been up late the night before, I was ready to lie down and so I took Alaina with me into bed. Though full, she wasn't quite ready for sleep yet. I lied down next to her watching her play, kicking away, and flailing her tiny arms. I kissed my sweet angel and told her to go to sleep, my sweet baby. Soon we both drifted off. Her father woke up at 9 o'clock in the morning and jumped out of bed. "Tiff! What's wrong?!" I sat up, startled, and followed his gaze. Beside me in the bed, my Alaina laid, lips blue, eyes forever closed. In a panic I yelled to go call 911 and attempted mouth to mouth rescusitation, even though in my heart I knew it was too late. I took 'Laina in my arms and rocked her back and forth. Her body, limp now in my arms, already felt cool. Though shock had overcome me, tears eventually found their way down my cheeks. Slowly rocking her, kissing her soft head...A neighbor ran up the stairs and took her from me- from the last time I would ever hold my precious baby in my arms- and again attempted rescusitation. The next few days are a blur. I thought that I had smothered her, for we never slept in the same bed with her. I remember the cold hospital, remember the tears, tears-so plentiful you could fill an ocean, and I remember the pain, all too well. For that pain is still inside me, a wound which shall never quite heal. The doctors all assured me she had not suffocated. She, like thousands of other infants, had fallen victim to the mysterious killer, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Come to find out, that is just the scientific way of saying, "We really have no clue why your baby died." Sometimes I think not knowing "Why" makes it even harder. I miss my angel. I never once expected something like this happen, but who does? Now, as I try to put together the seemingly meaningless pieces of my life, I honor her memory every day. I laughed inside when someone first told me the pain would ease in time. And slowly, I've began to smile at her memory, to see life as it were meant to be seen - the most precious gift one could recieve. She really was my angel. Though it still stings my heart to know my aching arms shall never hold her close, never smell her sweet smell, see her bright blue eyes, I know we will one day be reunited. And until then, I know she is content watching over us in Jesus' rocking chair, for he is holding her tightly until I can be there. I love you Alaina. Mommy misses you so much.
Tiffany Jeanette Reed |
