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| December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 15, 1972 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16, 1972 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes December 17, 1972 Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 1972 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19, 1972 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes December 20, 1972 John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of #### joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 1972 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the #### am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their #### cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass. Agnes December 22, 1972 Hey Shithead: What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours ! Agnes December 23, 1972 You rotten jerk:: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ####. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you ! Agnes December 24, 1972 Listen Shithead: What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. You're sworn enemy, Agnes December 25, 1972 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole |
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| Mean Tricks To Play On Santa
* Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. * Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! * Build an army of snowmen on the roof, holding signs - "Bah Humbug" and "Santa Unfair To Elves." * Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. * While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. * Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." * Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. * While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. * Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. * Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us." ~~~Author Unknown |
| Top 47 OXYMORONS:
47. Act naturally 46. Found missing 45. Resident alien 44. Advanced BASIC 43. Genuine imitation 42. Airline Food 41. Good grief 40. Same difference 39. Almost exactly 38. Government organization 37. Sanitary landfill 36. Alone together 35. Legally drunk 34. Silent scream 33. American history 32. Living dead 31. Small crowd 30. Business ethics 29. Soft rock 28. Butt Head 27. Military Intelligence 26. Software documentation 25. New York culture 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. "Now, then ..." 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 09. Political science 08. Tight slacks 07. Definite maybe 06. Pretty ugly 05. Twelve-ounce pound cake 04. Diet ice cream 03. Working vacation 02. Exact estimate And the Number one top OXY-Moron 01. Microsoft Works |
| 12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. 7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. 8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. 9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web. 12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow! |
| The Twelve Days Of Christmas |
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