These feelings
I can't understand
seeking empathy,
yet for what I am not sure.
feel like a knot,
tied tighter and tighter;
twisting my insides;
suffocating my brain.
where does the source lie?
from where does my anguish feed?
confused as a jew on Christmas,
i sit, crying and withering.
feeling alone,
wanting a friend;
pushing them away;
why?
apathy consumes me,
but I care so deeply.
i am insane,
yet as sane as can be.
i am tired,
while sober with reality.
I may be alive,
but i feel like a wilting flower,
starved and needing.
life crawls,
yet it runs.
no destination.
no direction.
just madness.
*written 6-30-02*
my skin crawls;
eyes bulge.
I am an old decriped snake;
muscles reject the sinewy connections
with my bones.
my skin wants to shed,
anything to remove itself from my shaking body.
eyes remain wide open,
not wanting to close.
Head pounds,
begging for more.
*written 9-22-02*
smoke another bowl,
snort another line.
drink another shot
try to make it all fine.
the pain wells,
drowning me inside.
sick of dealing with this shit;
I want to run and hide.
I can't take much more
I want to lay down and die.
drugs to mask the hurt;
I have no more tears to cry.
So toke up again,
pop another pill,
because if I stop,
with pain my heart will fill.
*written 11-8-02*
I look into your eyes;
haven't seen you for years.
I don't know why I feel this way;
it fills me with fear.
don't know how I feel
heart and head confused.
how can I forget the times we had;
the drugs we both used?
I'm not sure if the feeling is nostalgia
or if it is something more.
needing to find out the truth
I feel it's something I can't ignore.
will it go away
or will it stay?
this turmoil inside me
makes me think every day.
do you feel the same?
do you know I feel this way?
I wish I knew how I felt
wish I knew what to say.
there's not much I can do
when I can't tell you how I feel.
So I guess I will sit and wait,
and hope time will heal.
*written 11-8-02*
I get fucked up,
try to make it better.
So why is it I sit here
feeling worse than ever?
I can't cry;
no tears left.
They won't come
the well is empty.
I feel so void,
so empty of thought.
Empty of feeling;
so lonely.
I don't know why
these feelings come over me.
I don't want them to stay;
leave me the fuck alone.
I took drugs
and you stayed.
Take your cue
go the fuck away.
I need to feel good
need to be happy.
need to forget the sadness
need to forget all the madness.
So why am I
in my own personal hell
where I can't
ever make you go?
*written 11-13-02*
Why is my life how it is?
How does shit get so fucked
just when it feels like
it is going to get better for me?
How can someone tell you something
that fucks your life?
that makes you wanna die
just when you feel like it is improving?
Nothing is everything
and everything is nothing to me.
How can he tell me something
that fucks it all up?
Wanting to die now
watch the blood pour from my veins,
cover the floor with thick redness
and move into oblivion.
He sits there
acts like all is fine-
when nothing will ever be fine again
when shit can never go back.
Thought this may be true
when they first met;
deluded myself.
now I am hurt more than ever.
want him to go
want him to stay
don't want shit to change
and knowing it will never be the same.
I want him to be happy;
know she deserves it even more.
can't look him in the eye
breaking down as I write.
The pain in me wells,
feeling like someone or something
is holding my head under cold water
watching me drown from above.
want to cut so bad
watch myself bleed everywhere.
Stick my hand into the warm water,
and watch it turn red as a sky at sunset.
Feeling like I got hit;
hit in the heart with a hammer.
Can't look at him
can't talk to her.
I can't tell her what's happening,
promised I wouldn't.
I want to talk her
yet I never want to see her face.
Things are forever wrong
never to be right again.
My life has been torn apart,
broken into pieces.
She did nothing wrong,
she won't understand.
but I can't talk to her;
it hurts too much.
The pain hurts so bad
please someone take my life
put me out of my misery
make the hell end.
*written 11-16-02*
I sit there,
watching the two of you;
neither saying a word,
but don't you think I feel it too?
I feel tense,
awkward as fuck.
So why do I just sit
and curse my bad luck?
I am pulled in different direction;
my heart so confused.
I just don't know what to do or say,
or what words to use.
I hate this whole mess
and deep down inside probably resent you both.
So why can't I understand why
I feel like I wanna choke?
The thoughts in my head;
they're a rambling mess.
I know things will change
and heavy on my heart, shit will press.
You both mean so much to me;
you're my two best friends.
So why do I feel like your beginning
will be my end?
*written 11-23-02*
It is all playing out before my eyes
just the way I saw it in my mind.
Things between us are changing;
why the fuck can't you see it?
Are you blind?
Are you fucking oblivious to all around you?
How many times do I have to tell you
that I am right?
Can't you accept
that this is the way it will happen?
I am trying to deal-
you are just making it hard.
Just go with it;
realize the truth.
See what's in front of your face,
stop being so goddamn blind.
*written 11-24-02*
The dark cloud descends
covering all in black smog
thicker than the muddy waters that line a river.
I try to move, to breath
but I am suffocated.
The smog chokes me;
clouds my brain;
rains on my body,
as vulnerable as cardboard.
Soaked in the rain of defeat
I lay down
and the smog consumes my soggy body.
As I take my last breath
the cloud dissolves,
leaving my corpse in a puddle of sludge.
*written 2-26-02*
stung the depths of my soul.
resolve broke like shattered glass.
screams remain...
...insults seared into my brain.
self injured on the outside
words cut deeper than any knife.
young and naive
wanted to belong.
nothing was everything...
...now everything is nothing.
scarred inside and out
words no longer phase...
...they echo inside the emptiness.
never understood...
...now you don't understand.
soul deflated
a balloon popped.
...don't feel anymore.
*written 12-24-02*
an echo.
Nothing,
like empty space.
Void,
void of everything-
thought, feeling, emotion.
Alone.
Wind howls through,
blowing at the barren land.
No one here;
just me.
I want to cry,
but can't find the tears.
Hollow
bare inside.
*written 10-27-02*
body and mind completely out of sync,
like a twisted government whose individual branches
are working against each other.
internal affair;
a war raging on
that the body will never win.
limbs like soggy bread
attempt to move in co-ordination.
failure.
thoughts race like the sunset;
with purpose-
not slowing nor stopping for a soul.
heart seems to catch in
its myocardial covering;
barely contains it.
rhythm loud
choppy; uneven
playing its warped tune
like a toddler banging on pots and pans.
exhausted organs and flesh,
fighting for the sleep
which has evaded them.
thoughts from the rabid mind
invade like troops; blowing
to pieces
any chance for rest. mind,
the war's reigning victor,
marches on staunchly;
unstoppable.
protest too much effort,
easier to give in and wait.
*written 3-20-03*
takes over the good feelings,
leaving behind anger and pain.
Words fall out of open mouths like streams,
no dam to hold back the hurtful phrases.
As the envy grows
so does the decay of the heart;
a poison killing everything inside
and suffocating the happiness.
I sit,
crawled in a ball-
just waiting while the anger festers.
Like a sore it oozes,
handfuls of hateful actions taking over.
Envy tightens around my neck,
threatening to choke the very last breath from my aching heart.
The pain is so much;
it won't let go.
Self- sabotage the norm,
I sit and wait.
Wait for it to overthrow my brain.
*written 8-16-02*
crayon scribbles along
mother's white walls.
the familiar ring of the ice cream truck
the snocones that melt in the summer sun;
blue ice running down chins.
carefree
running between trees,
ducking under the evergreen branches
and hiding behind oak trunks.
When did sweet childhood memories turn into angst-filled words;
the crayon scribbles
turn into bitter poems of pain
scattered across crumpled paper?
drug-induced epiphanies,
the sweet fog that comes with forgetting-
these replace the rush and thrill
once coming with naivity.
now forever claustrophobic-
no way out.
thoughts run and run
every synapse overwhelmed with cacophany,
that which comes with random thoughts
never ending meaningless phrases
inside my head.
no more softball games ensue;
the ball is me now.
curled in a corner-
trying to make the chaos disappear;
if only for a moment.
there are no more carefree romps in the woods,
no one to pick me up or dust me off when I fall-
there is just me.
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