past: I've had a rough past I guess you could say. although it's not as bad as some peoples, that I know. I live with my mother, father, brother, and uncle ((and our three dogs)). my uncle used to be an alcoholic, but he gave that up when he almost killed himself, and someone else. on his ten year anniversary of not drinking, he decided to have a drink. he's not an alcoholic though, he just drinks a lot.. but I've haven't yet seen him drunk. my brother is 20 so he isn't around very often, he's usually at university, or out getting high with his friends. he often comes back to the house high, which I don't really don't mind. it's good entertainment. my mother is a nurse, so she works with dying people. I go to her work a lot, I've befriended many patients of hers, a few of them have died. my father is a bus-driver((I know, it's not a glamourous job, but he does the best he can)). I've had a lot of issues with my father. when I was 8 or 10, I can't remember.. my aunt died. she was the world to me. she had breast cancer, but she knew about it for a year before she deicded to tell anyone. the doctors called it a passive suicide. I miss her very much. she died in a room on my moms floor in the hospital where she works. it was hard on everyone.. she wasn't there to see her grandson be born, and she'll miss so much. but that is what she wanted.. or not. right before she died, she whispered in my ear 'katie, if I could take it all back, i would.' ever since then I've hated her for what she said. this was her choice, one you're dead, you're dead, you can't change your mind. the issues with my father were fairly severe. he didn't like beat me or anything, or drink.. which is good I guess, but what he did still hurts. he this thing with taking pictures. he would often take pictures of my friends and I. I didn't understand why until my mother told. call is a 'fetish' if you wish, but it really hurts. I've found several pictures of friends, where I have been ripped out. I felt worthless. and he collects porn off the net, which I don't know a guy who doesn't.. but still. it doesn't make my mother feel very important. there have been many times when she threatens to leave. and she knows if she does, I'll go with her in a heartbeat. my mother was severally overweight and she lost a lot of weight, and she was at her lowest weight, my father went out for "coffee" with another woman. that broke her heart, she thought she was useless, and she gained all the weight back. we're both trying now to lose weight. it's so hard. you put all these things together, you'll get why I became an SI. that's a self injurer. meaning I hurt my self on purpose. I chose to cut. I never did it to hurt anyone else, which they don't understand. it was only ever to hurt me. and it worked. I still have the scars, they aren't beautiful, but they're me. everyone asks me 'doesn't it hurt?'.. of course it hurt, that's why I did it. that was the whole point. to let my emotional anger and frustration on myself, instead of on others. because that wouldn't be cool. everyone thought it was for attention, well guess what..they were dead wrong. I have had to see 6 or 7 therapists, psychiatrists and crisis workers, not to mention my social worker and guidance counsellor at school. it was hell. but it's over now.


present: I'm doing a lot better now, although I still struggle with my father. there's really no way to show him, that he was the one, pretty much the main reason the whole depression started in the first place. it's so hard.. I feel like everything I go through, I have to go through in silence. I'm not the kind of person who would willingly open up and just be like 'hey everyone, I feel like killing myself today, aren't you happy for me?'. I was the opposite. there are so many, so many, people that have tried. friends, relatives, teachers.. just so many. and I refused. everytime they tried to get close, I just pushed them away. and some people, betrayed the trust I had given them. I am a recovered christian, and I have restored my faith in Jesus Christ, but something's still missing. it's been a bunch of days since I last cut, and I don't want to again, but it's killing me. I need it. I told my mother I wanted to again, and she almost died. it's hard to be me when the world consists of people who would be afraid of 'me'. I have been so incredibly upset lately, but I don't want to.. mention it to anyone. they all believe I'm perfect, and I want to remain whatever their perfect is. I'm not about to change again.


future: I've had my life planned out since I was about 5. I want am going to be a writer/therapist. when I was like 3 I wanted to be a writer and ever since I started seeing my therapist, I've wanted to be a therapist too. it seems like a really good line of work and I love helping people. I'm going to go to University College of Cape Breton. I'm going to major in psychology and literature, and maybe minor in Celtic and Miq'mak Studies. that's what I'm working towards. I will be heartbroken if I don't make it. nothing is going to stop me.