Bengal Case Richard Tait, PS (Public Sleuth) Rough Draft It was a dark and stormy night... No not good. Once upon a time... no, that sucks. In the bleak mid-winter... Ha! that tottally rules. In the bleak mid-winter of Cincinnati, a city that was in ‘America’s heartland’.
I disagreed, I thought Calling Cincinnati the heartland of America is as realistic as putting a heart healthy label on a pound cake that uses brown eggs in the batter.

I had gone into work early that morning after customarily falling down the steps, I did not mean to do it every morning, but my neighbor just had a habit of leaving his cat outside overnight.
He didn't do it because he was a jerk, he just did it because he knew how much I missed tripping over my trained, drug sniffing, Bengal tiger.
I had to start a new case because someone had stolen him.

Getting into the station in the wintertime was a formidable task especially since the front stoop usually resembled a miniature glacier, I thought I had the perfect solution to this problem: I glued ten nails to each of my shoes, maybe tomorrow I remember to put them nail side down.

When I got inside the office, I was greeted with something of ‘utmost importance’ from my colleague Sal Pagalini; “Hey Rich, I thought of another one: Don't make a fuss Russ.” Sal’s obsession with finding the other 45 ways to leave your lover that Paul Simon left out of his song had reared its ugly head, and it was a very ugly head. Counting this one, he had thought of four ways in two years.

Just then I noticed something different, but what could it be? It was not the coffeepot; it was not Sal’s cologne that still smelled like fried tuna and paint thinner. It was her, Lauren Piper, my future wife; only I didn't know it at the time. There she was all 11-foot-5 err 5-foot-11 of her.

My old partner Mike had been thrown out the fifth story window by the copier repairman, so the boss hired Lauren as my new partner. In any event, I was still going to miss my deceased raccoon friend mostly because I trained him to go in to the local bakery and get free donuts and coffee, a task that was above and beyond Sal’s mental capacity.
Lauren was a redhead and very attractive, partially because there was a magnet in her left arm, but at that point mixing work and play was out of the question. I wasn't nearly as romantic as James Bond, although I was only two metaphorical steps below Remington Steele and only one step below Pierce Brosnan himself.

When I got back to my apartment, I found a note; the kind of note that proves the thief was too cheap to buy post-its, it read: “If you want yo tigger back then gets with the dough or else.”
I cannot describe to you the rage that went surging through me after I read this, yet still I held out hope that one day I would get to chase a villain who used proper English.
I immediately went back down to the station with the note to establish a plan of action.
I needed to think of a way to get another tiger but how?
“Aha! I got it!” I screamed.
“What is it Sherlock?” asked my new assistant Mike, a nice kid but he had a tendency to make fun of everybody else’s speech patterns.
“Just tell Sal and Lauren to get over here” I countered.

“Ok, here’s the plan. Sal, it’s your turn to get a new tiger”. “I need a Bengal that’s got sharp claws, has a keen nose and above all it has to be smart.”
“So I shouldn't look in the football stadium.”
“Nope, I don't want my tiger to be a loser. Here’s where you can find one.”
“That’s not fair, Dick. I got a wife and kids, what will they think if I told them I propositioned Siegfried and Roy for a tiger”.
“Just say you bought your wife a rhinestone lined leopard skin blazer from Macy’s on the Internet.
Where’s Lauren?”
“Lunch break, chief.”

This was beginning to be typical, I'm trying to solve a case and needed her help, but she was downtown counting calories to make sure she didn't go over her ‘daily allowance.’
Just then Sal discovered something important.
“Hey Dick, I just found something important.”
“What is it?”
“Did you’re notice the letters A-A-A on the back of the ransom note?”
“Well that explains it.” I said
“What? That Triple-A hates you so much that they stole your tiger?"
“Probably, but I had already sent them a written apology after the tiger got mud all over the rental car I used for the Electric Ave. outlet case.”
“Hey Dick, she’s back”

“Ok, thanks Sal”
“Lauren, I know you just got back from lunch, but could you see if you can find any other organizations that start with the letters A-A-A?”
“Sure” she replied.
I thought to myself ‘Now to start the proverbial ball rolling on my plan’, so I started barking out orders.
“OK, Sal, give me a coffee.
Mike, give me a donut.
Pablo, get my car cleaned.”
“Give me $20 so the attendant will roll up the windows before the car wash.”
“Oh yeah, here y'are”
“Bob, give me an actual ball that I can roll across the floor.”
“Can I give you anything?” a voice from behind me said.
“Give me a break!” I shouted.
“Maloney I thought you retired 6 months ago.
Aren't you supposed to be in Florida fighting off alligators?”
“I decided to just drop in unannounced.”
“How nice, now go grab a donut or something.”
"Ooh you got the creme filled one."
I didn't have time to deal with uninvited guests right now because Lauren had just finished getting me my information
“Hey, Mr. Tait”. she said daintly
“Yes, Lauren, and please call me Rich.”
“Ok, Rich, I just finished getting the info you wanted.”
“Alright, what did you find?”
“Well there was only one other organization that had the letters A-A-A, the Animal Activist Association.”
“Ok, and what do they do.”
“Those are the crazy people who think you should only do animal testing in the animals’ natural habitat.”
“I don't follow you.”
“They think it’s ok to put lipstick on a monkey in Africa, but not ok to put lipstick on a monkey in a zoo.”
“Oh, those are the people that will only test AIDS vaccines on rats and mice in the sewers right?”
“Exactly”
“Then why would they take my tiger?”
“Probably because your apartment isn't the natural habitat for tigers.”
“Well yeah, but I painted the lower part of the walls to look like grass and spread dirt all over the floor.”
“Face it, Rich” Sal said, “A 20ft by 20ft cube on the third floor of a Cincinnati apartment building just isn't as good of an environment as the wild plains of Africa.”
“I guess your right, Sal. Lauren, does it say where they are located?”
“The fact sheet says there main office is located in Baltimore.”
“That makes sense; there are lots of dirty rats in Baltimore, and not just in the sewers.”
The Plane ride took 4 hours, and as usual I puked and it went all over Lauren, ruining her outfit.
After we got to the hotel, I slept the rest of the day and the next 3 days as well, smarter men would have died, but I persevered, and Lauren hid the sleeping pills from me.
We needed a way to get in to the A-A-A headquarters, but how? We'd have to think of something, but not now, it was dinner time.

“Once we get in the place, what do you want me to do?” Lauren asked.
“Well first, you should dye your hair blonde.”
“Why should I?”
“I read that blondes are 5 times less susceptible to hypnosis then redheads or brunettes.”
“Uh, yeah and is this a fact?”
“Of course it’s a fact! I read it in a tabloid newspaper.”
“Rich, have I ever told you I have a special word for tabloids.”
“No, what is that word?”
“TOTAL CRAP!” she shouted.
“You do know ‘total crap’ is two words right? I retorted.
“Shut up!” she shouted again.
“Who’s the dumb blonde now?” I countered, still trying to make my point.
“Rich, you’re not blonde either.”
“So that means that both of us are dumb blondes.”
“No, I think you are; even though your hair is brown and thinning fast.”
“Seriously, you should consider it, you might feel your IQ drop 10 or 20 points, but it be worth it.”
“No rich, I won't do it, telling me I'm too smart to be on this case has to be the most insensitive thing you could of said.”
“No, actually I could've said...”
“I don't care Rich, you are an insensitive tactless creep, let’s just go and rescue your stupid tiger and get back to Cincinnati as fast as we can”.
Then she slapped me. Although she was right, I was insensitive and tactless. I hadn't been able to put my finger on it before, but this was probably the reason that I had not had my first kiss yet, and I was 35. The next morning we ate breakfast separately, she forced me to change into our disguises in the bathroom in the hotel lobby since she was still ticked at me. Sal was supposed to join us, but he hadn't shown up yet. I was dressed as an exterminator, with all the rats around this nearly guaranteed me access to the inside of the A-A-A building. She was a scuba diver; her job was to go to the national aquarium, find the whale tank, dive in, and swim to the other end of an enormous pipeline, which was connected to a holding tank beneath A-A-A headquarters where I would let her in. Everything went according to the plan, except I actually had to kill some rats with this stuff that looked like foam insulation. After that we split up, she changed out of the wet suit to pose as a receptionist and I went looking for my tiger. An hour went by before I stumbled upon a room where the walls were painted to resemble grass and dirt was covering the floorboards. I couldn't help thinking to myself that I had made the right design choice in my apartment, and then I saw my tiger over in the corner. I rushed over and took out a specially-made 3 foot long paper clip that I could've try to pick the lock with. 1 minute later SUCCESS! I opened the cage, but discovered to my dismay, that it was only a stuffed reproduction of my tiger, and before I knew it, the cage door had slammed shut. I then realized that this was the kind of trap that trapped people who already suspected that a trap would be rigged to the cage in the first place. I was then ‘escorted’ by some guards up to a secret level where I awaited my fate. “Ah, Mr. Tait, we've expecting you. As you can see Ms. Piper is doing just fine. She’s already been hypnotized using this 6-inch glass ant. The thought that immediately ran through my head was ‘I told you so’ but then I thought of a way to distract the guards while I rescued Lauren. “Say, you aren't the people who persuaded Bjork to wear that swan to the…” “SILENCE! There will be no talk of that incident.” Ok so that didn't work so well, but I had another. “Which cartoon did you like better Atom Ant or Scooby Doo?” I was running out of ideas, “Which came first the chicken or the egg?” “I can see you a talkative one Mr. Tait, so I give an extra special treat and let Lauren hypnotize you.” She proceeded to try and do so; this particular glass ant had been carefully formed. It even had little antennas, and it just kept swinging back and forth. This went on for about 10 minutes. “How do you feel, Mr. Tait?” “Just fine, is there any way you could've make this chair give me a massage or something?” “No how could this be? Take off your hat. I took off my hat to reveal that my hair was now a blonde-like color, because I hadn't had time to finish earlier in the morning. Then Sal finally arrived, punched out a guard, and dragged Lauren to his rental car. Back at the hotel, we've tried everything we've knew about hypnosis in an effort to UN-hypnotize Lauren. I gave the ant to Sal, which I thought might be a bad idea and sure enough he got frustrated and threw the ant to the floor and it shattered into a lot of tiny pieces. “Oh great!” I said “Now we've have a lifeless, emotionless zombie kind of person, that’s of no use to any of us.” “Well, could I look up…” “No, Sal you’re not going to do that.” About 5 minutes passed and then Lauren started moving around and saying ‘what happened?’ “I think I deserve an apology.” I said “Yes, your right I should have dyed my hair.” After that we've hugged, got packed, went to the airport, and sat back as our plane flew off into the sunset.