SCENE: Library
CHARACTERS: Stand-up Comic, Librarian, Helper, Fugitive, F
agents, ‘Shady Character’
(Open on library entrance)
(Stand-up comic walks into the children's section of a library,
sets up microphone and stand,puts up sign 'stand-up comedy today')
(15 minutes later)
Librarian: Sir, Excuse Me Sir.
Stand Up: ...so the chairman of the board's wife has a baby. They decide to call him the 'High-Chairman'. You get it? High chair, he's a baby... high chair...
Librarian: Well that sucked. Security! Give this wannabe shock comic the boot out of here. You're supposed to be checking for these freaks at the door.
(Smacks stand-up with book)
(Later)
(Helper brings snow blower alongside bins of recently returned books, turns machine on)
Helper: Uh, Let's see, arts in the 700 sections.
(Snow blower chucks books towards arts section)
Helper: Ok magazines in the reading lounge.
(Snow blower hurls magazines towards reading lounge)
Librarian: Mark, you idiot shut that thing off. Helper: Ok, just one last book here the reference section.
Librarian: No! Not the encyclopedia...
(Snow blower fires encyclopedia, blunt thud off in the distance)
Helper: Ooh, I got him good.
Librarian: Yeah, that hit him about uh 3000 times 10... 30,000 pages per hour. Nice job.
(Later)
(‘Shady Character’ runs in panicking)
‘Shady Character’: (speaking fast and semi-indistinct)
2 terr… 2 al-qae... 2 musl...
Librarian: Sir, you're going to have to slow your yapper down so I can understand you.
‘Shady Character’: 2… 2… 2…
(Librarian smacks ‘Shady Character’ on the back of the head)
Librarian: SPIT IT OUT!
‘Shady Character’: two guys with guns and bad attitudes are after me!
Librarian: FBI?
‘Shady Character’: No.
Librarian: CIA?
‘Shady Character’: No.
Librarian: The other CIA?
‘Shady Character’: There are two CIA's?
Librarian: Yeah, the Cooking Institute of America.
‘Shady Character’: No, they weren't wearing big chef hats.
Librarian: Secret Service?
‘Shady Character’: No Radios.
Librarian: KGB?
‘Shady Character’: Not Russians or Germans.
Librarian: BLT?
‘Shady Character’: No Mayo please.
Librarian: ABC?
‘Shady Character’: Gosh, I sure hope not.
Librarian: Fox?
‘Shady Character’: They didn't have tails.
Librarian: Gay Liberation Task force?
‘Shady Character’: No Lisp
Librarian: Feds?
‘Shady Character’: No, their outfits were closer to UPS colors.
Librarian: Arab extremists hell bent on destroying you?
‘Shady Character’: That might be it. Where can I hide?
Librarian: Go in the 'nature' section. Nobody is ever in there.
(Two guys with guns and bad attitudes rush in)
F agent 1: Where do you think he is?
F agent 2: Try the 'nature' section, nobody is ever in there.
(Agents start pumping the guy full of lead)
(Librarian grabs both men by the ear and pulls them aside)
Librarian: Now just what is the meaning of this?
F agent 1: Uh MAM, we're F agents.
Librarian: F agents?
F agent 2: Yeah of the ATF, Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.
Librarian: So where's the rest of your agents?
F agent 2: They ran out of alcohol and tobacco (slight pause) oh yeah, and donuts.
Librarian: So why are you shooting at that guy?
F agent 1: Uh, His library books were overdue? Yeah his books were overdue.
Librarian: For how long?
F agent 2: He'll get 5-10 years if he survives.
Librarian: No, the books.
F agent 1: About 2 years.
Librarian: Oh well in that case finish him but make sure to put silencers on your guns.
(‘Shady Character’ is blown away in silence while agents and Librarian wink at each other.)