Dan Rather                                           Darrell Hammond

Rick the Assistant                                 Jimmy Fallon

Dr. Hugh Fymerson                              Will Ferrell

Hospital Spokesman                             Chris Kattan

Nurse                                                   Amy Poehler

Weekend Update Reporter                   Tina Fey

NY Times Reporter                              Horatio Sanz

NY Daily News Reporter                     Jeff Richards

Helen Thomas                                      Ana Gasteyer

Washington Post Reporter                    Seth Meyers

Boston Globe Reporter             Rachel Dratch

Philadelphia Inquirer Reporter   Dean Edwards

LA Times Reporter                               Maya Rudolph

Al Roker, Today Show             Tracy Morgan

                                                            Derek Jeter

                                                            Lorne Michaels

 

(Open on a hospital with Dan Rather in bed, with a beer in one hand, remote in the other)

Dan Rather: Hi, I’m Dan Rather, when I first announced that I had anthrax November 3, I was told it was not serious.  Looking back, I should warn you to never trust a doctor that has done a pound of marijuana before making his decisions, I’m pretty sure that the doctors here don’t do marijuana, cocaine perhaps but not marijuana.

Rick: Time for your Cipro Mr. Rather.

Dan Rather: You can get anything at those wholesale warehouse places, like this 50lb. Bottle of Cipro.

(Doctor enters)

Dr. Hugh Fymerson: Need help lifting that?

Rick: (Sarcastically) No, I don’t.

(Dr. Hugh and Rick struggle to lift Cipro bottle)

Dan Rather: Hey Nurse!  I need another beer!

(Nurse enters)

Nurse: I’m sorry Mr. Rather we only have tequila, vodka, and cherry kool aid.  Oh yeah and coffee too.

Dan Rather: Coffee’s fine.

Rick: There’s a visitor for you Mr. Rather.

(Al Roker enters)

Al Roker: Hi Dan!

Dan Rather: Al Roker!  How are ya doing Al?

Al Roker: Not bad, How about yourself?

Dan Rather: I feel ready to do the news again.  See I got all the news right here.

Al Roker: I’m not so sure Dan, Connie Chung has gotten good ratings while you were away.

Dan Rather: What?  They replaced ME with HER?  (Suddenly leans forward spilling a little coffee on the news)  Aw (censored)* now Afghanistan has coffee all over it.

Al Roker: I’m sure the Afghan people will like getting coffee dumped on them, especially that scalding hot coffee.