1. Do your homework first. some English, advanced Algebra, nuclear
physics, maybe some womens studies so that you don't get 'had', 'taken for a ride (bad
pun)', 'hung out to dry', 'walked all over' or any other term that means
'You got screwed'
2. Get in the know by watching as many car commercials as you need to
(yes, even the ones with that neo-technical hip-hop music). You should
know the car better then the car knows you.
3. For simple negotiations you should use overly technical terms like rear intake manifold shifting differential so that you sound smart (note: overly technical terms don't need to apply to cars)
4. For advanced negotiations you will need: a Semi Automatic gun, a
submachine gun, a pitchfork, a set of golf clubs, a fine array of
designer kitchen knives, a bazooka, a rocket launcher, Chainsaw, rocks,
pebbles, shopping carts from the nearby mall, 2 dozen eggs, kabob
skewers, mace, and a nightstick you stole from a police officer. (Note:
Make sure you have better weapons then the sales associate.)
4b. If you must steal a car you should: Never steal the car outright.
It's always more classy to walk up to a sales associate and politely ask
to steal the car. Once they say no, punch them in the face and the groin
and THEN steal the car.
5. Registering the car and buying insurance is just a hassle and you shouldn't bother with it, there will be plenty of time for registering after you're thrown in jail.
6. Check out everything under the hood. Are all the red wires hooked
into the blue wires? Is the transmission wired to the gas tank? Good!
You're all set!
7. Enjoy driving your new car everywhere, your driveway, your town, the
neighbors lawn, through buildings, through street signs, off cliffs, you
can even try to drive into a tree.
With these simple tips you can expect years, no, minutes of enjoyment from your automobile. Join us next time when we'll discuss How Not To Handle an Angry Raccoon.