(open on one guy with a real ocean view in the background and one guy with a fake)

'The Voice': Welcome to Idaho State Cable Regional Access Municipal TV. It's 2:30 am so that means it's time for I-SCRAM TV's lowest rated show 'Potato Farmer Sports Weekly'

Mel: Hi I'm Mel!
Tom: and I'm Tom Pearson, You'll have to excuse Mel, he's doing that whole Madonna one name thing, just leave the guy alone until we medicate him.
To relieve ourselves of a few headaches, We sent Mel out to beautiful Acapulco, the site of this years Timex Celebrity Synchronized Cliff Diving Championships and here he is with the recap!
Mel: Up first was the team of Eric Heiden and Ed McMahon, they will have to dive down more then 100 feet, and propel themselves out far enough to miss the jagged rocks below.
Their routine consists of two back flips, and a 360 degree rotation.
Besides that they'll have to avoid two ravenous sharks that have been fed nothing but spinach and V8 for 3 days. If they can do all that during the 5 seconds their in the air, they'll probably get a good score.
You know Tom, I saw Heiden trying something similar to this right before Lake Placid in 1980 while I was stalking the Norwegian team.
He fell and knocked himself unconscious for 5 hours and I was too occupied with the female ice skaters to help him.
Tom: Umm... (hesitating) That's great Mel, (Tom reaches over for an 8 ounce orange pill container) Here you go, take 'em all.
Mel: Uh, Tom, I'm gonna need some water to take with these pills.
Tom: Well, you were in Mexico so the water should be better here, pull this cord and get some. (Mel pulls cord, water comes splashing down)
Mel: Imbecile! (straightens up)I must say folks that after years of advertising Colonial Penn Life Insurance, Ed might need some right about now.
So they're both lined up, and they dive off, good rotation on Heiden, although the home audience can probably tell that Ed has put on a few pounds.
One, two flips for Heiden and half a rotation for McMahon and here they SPLASH! down into the ocean.
So here come the sharks, and WHOA!
I didn't know Ed could still move that fast.
There's Eric getting out of the water and Ed is still being chased by a shark.
We had a microphone on Ed, and we talked to him LIVE! Of course now it's on tape because were not live but here's our conversation.

Mel: Ed, can you hear me?
Ed: YES!
Mel: Tell me how your feeling right now.
Ed: Extremely scared Oh great one.
Mel: So you're saying that you're really scared?
Ed: You are correct sir!
Mel: OK thanks Ed, now I am being told that we have Eric Heiden ready to join us. Eric, how do you feel the dive went?
Eric: It sucked, I practiced out here everyday while McMahon sat on his fat geriatric rump pushing life insurance and that "You may already be a $10 million dollar winner" thing.
That's why I wanted to dive with Johnny Carson but he was already paired up with that tub of lard Willard Scott.
Oh there he is now, (shouting) Hey tons of fun! Al Roker could kick your bald headed ass, forwards, backwards and sideways, and stop waving to me, I'm only in my late 40's.
Mel: Okay, Eric Heiden obviously upset.
Eric: Your damn right I'm upset.
Mel: Boy that shark doesn't quit, and apparently neither does Ed since the shark has still failed to eat him. Now back to Tom in the booth.
Tom: Thanks Mel, one note to the competition, a ticked off Mick Jagger pushed all five members of N'Sync off the cliffs killing all 5 instantly, a non apologetic Jagger later said that it gave him Satisfaction because they quote 'Got me started up and I couldn't stop' and since no one really cares here are the final standings:
Johnny Carson and Willard Scott: 47.5
Ed Sullivan's Corpse and Arsenio Hall: 44
Chevy Chase and Elton John: 39
Russell Crowe and Lee Iococca: 31.5
Eric Heiden and Ed McMahon: 25
Barry Manilow and Billy Crystal: 16.5
Hank Aaron and John Cusack: 15

and now the Judges Comments:
Carson and Scott had good rotation and nailed their routine, the judges were especially impressed by Scott's ability to spin while still weighing a lot.
Sullivan and Hall made late night TV viewers everywhere proud with their performance, although lacking the grace of most teams the judges were impressed by Sullivan's ability to land in "a really big shoe"
Chase and Elton John didn't actually do a routine, the judges gave 15 points for Johns pink and turquoise blazer with matching pants and 24 for Chase's Land Shark costume being destroyed by a real shark who looked like he was trying to mate with it.
Crowe and Iococca got points based on Crowe's epic slaying of the sharks to a bloody pulp which is actually quite unappetizing and yet worthy of sequel material.
As both you, the 40 people who watch this show, and the judges saw, McMahon looked aged and slow and it was reflected in the point total, Heiden still had a little bit of juice in the tank and earned 24.5 points.
The duo of Manilow and Crystal could of made the whole world sing and finally Aaron couldn't stop telling Cusack that all his movies sucked and that he wanted his money back.
Tom: Well that's all for tonight. I'm Tom Pearson, good night.
'The Voice': Stay tuned for Whose Baked Potato Is It Anyway? coming up next and We'll see you after we get our lawsuits settled.
(fade out)