PLEASE NOTE ---
there are some areas of this that will need to be "modified" ... so please just excuse the whole mess as some goofy male has been. I only keep this here to remind me of my failure thus far and some learning lessons and plan to "edit" when life becomes more stable.
THANK YOU,
The Management
SEX
Lying Traps ... Goofy Logic
I have been trying to put thoughts together on the subject of sex for quite some time. Sex and love seem to be very complicated issues. Would any one dare to disagree with this?
I am certainly not a professional in the area. This here is just my feelings, perhaps some things I have read about along with my experiences.
This and the pictures here will be taken away January 25th. This is only here now for friends to read and to see a picture of what I look like during one of my proudest moments of my life in 2003. I was with friends I met in 2001 and had been chatting with occasionally a long time.
Have we not all been amazed at how some people seemingly have thrown away their opportunities all for the pleasures sex seems to bring?
How about the TV evangelist who built a park and could not leave hands off the secretary? How about the secretary? Anyone know what she did after? What about the couple? Still married? Would any of the three today say that this was one of their greatest moments? How about the TV evangelist who cried out his sins and asked forgiveness only to be stuck again in the same trap? Any sport players brought down for sex? Perhaps one in the news now who plays basketball? Is there a music star having problems right now? Is there a huge church having huge problems since some of their leadership fell to lusts? How many relationships do you know of which fell apart because of sex outside of the relationship?
Why did I not use any of the names above when they are well known?
Perhaps since any one of us reading this could probably find ourselves, if we are honest with ourselves, able to see ourselves victims of the above.
If I was to look at sex logically I would see it as a joining together of two people to fulfill passionate carnal cravings from within ... released with the sexual act of some kind. Actually ... it only takes one person as most all of us know to relieve pent-up feelings of such a nature. But relief is all this is really. It is not a fulfillment.
I thought marriage would be super since I was sure I would not allow it to get boring. Anything as long as it was between us and only us. I have a pretty active imagination my wife soon found out. We had some truly exciting moments (sorry, no details, grins). I did not ever expect in my "give and take", compromising little world that she would be unable to ... would not want to ... continue to be the exciting partner willing to go from intimate, soft and caressing sex one day to wild and crazy sex the next day. Over our time together sex in our life would become our gap and then would remain, thus far, our one failing area in our marriage.
When there is a failure, what should one do? When there is a gap in the relationship, what should two people do?
Normally we expect to be able to try and work things out right?
Which is what I tried to do. I say I here only since I think my wife actually wanted to always run away from the problem. She knew it was her decision and that she was not sharing the "Why?" with me as to not desiring anything beyond what some would call "normal" sex ... the caressing, touching, and hugging leading to the exchange of bodily fluids.
What that ended up doing to me was to make me feel unaccepted for who I am, what I am, what I desired. It was like "Do it my way or go without" choice "no choice" situation. I felt hurt. And this did not occur rapidly ... this developed over our time together from the September after our July wedding (I remember the incident as if it were yesterday), until finally becoming dysfunctional towards the end of 2002. I should note that we had spoke extensively about sex before our marriage and my desires were well known before the "I do". Which is why this goofy male was so in shock when she dropped the bomb a scant two months later.
Several moments occurred during the 23 year span of time there. Just after our second anniversary I had taken two weeks emergency leave to try and sort things out in our early marriage. She took no time off work but it looked like we smoothed some things out. Many things were tried until 1992 when, with the renovating of our house and doubling its size, she promised many things in return. You can guess how many were fulfilled.
All of our friction revolved around sex. Perhaps friction and sex a bad choice of words together? Friction ... sex ... well, as I always say, I refuse to keep things I share totally all seriousness ... so maybe that play on words provided a "smile relief". Our relationship gap did focus on sex.
After we had moved completely into the addition in 1994 I began to focus on the promises made. From then until now I tried to convince her to step into the wilder side and at least try some things. At one time, after a Christmas, she did actually step in. For almost three months she got many things done and sex was super. She even shared she had an incredible orgasm ... her first in 18 years. I have no idea why she shared that but instead of feeling poorly I used it to show that "shaking things up" a bit provided many good things for us. She dropped the wild side soon after and once again would not go there.
I felt unaccepted once again.
But the one quality my wife does have is that she allows me, would allow me, to have pictures and whatever, without her getting jealous. So I substituted in fantasy land. But you know, the solo act is just not fulfilling. Yet sex with wife became less and less since I felt unaccepted and the little brain, not only getting older, had finally "wised up" to not being accepted and would simply not function well at all.
Over the last few years I realized the folly of media exploiting sex. Even though it would still arouse, something was educating me on how misdirected my focus was. I would not have sex with any of these women since that would violate a very sacred trust I held dear. Chances were very good none of them would ever want sex with me any way.
I always wondered why the mere sight of a female body, glimpse of underwear, a good wiggle ... most anything would cause an interest ... an arousal of sort. Flesh is flesh. Why is some more important to see than the other?
Then my wife and oldest daughter introduced our family to the internet. My oldest daughter to chat rooms. I found the attributes of the internet and speaking to real people who did not know me fascinating. I could share ideas and learn how other people coped perhaps. And I did. I developed two very close friendships ... one with a single lady in Florida and one in Kansas who was separated. In a year's time we shared philosophy, faith ideas, and all about relationships. My wife came to know both of these very well. She and the Kansas friend, who also got to know my family and spoke to kids as well as I spoke to her kids, felt threatened by the one in Florida. I have to admit I think she wanted to take a trip with me and seduce me. To this day I doubt either my wife or friend feel I would not. Yet by having this friendship the one in Florida felt loved and I think is one of the big reasons (aside from my prayers perhaps?) she found her soul mate. Once her mate was there e-mails tapered off between us. This was my first experience with what happens to friendships when the real item comes along. The second was the Kansas friend who I was real close to. With encouragement she allowed her husband to return. As their relationship solidified her e-mails also tapered off. I have had an annual contact with each yet today. Nice to know they both seem to be doing well.
I did have one other friend who lived in Florida who did meet me at Walt Disney World and spent the day. She had never been there. I could have been there alone but I did take one of my kids along ... this was a reward vacation from wife for something good I had done (house related of course). Wife and I and kid visited her at her house the following spring when we all went down. She has since become very involved in her church and their youth programs. She almost went back to her ex but in this case it would not work out. We also share an e-mail about once a year but since her move back to Colorado we have lost contact.
Then the friends I chat with, and wife only occasionally, had a chat meet which was on same weekend I had off. So in 2001 we went to Wisconsin and met in person people I had only seen in words. They thought kids might feel uncomfortable but we did bring our two along (the oldest had graduated and was doing her own thing). The event went over very well. The kids were no problem and they even decided had added to the gathering. I got picked on since I did not "nibble" anyone's earlobe (my trademark greeting in the chat room for the morning ... a hug and an earlobe nibble). The host, a real-life clown member, had sneaked up behind me, with wife watching and allowing, and tweaked my earlobes. It was a super time.
After this event I spoke about us to go to counseling to see if we could resolve our sex issues. She would have none of it. This story is in the New Year and letter writings found on website.
I had developed a few e-mail friends and shared stories around the holiday times. When I shared the story about "Grandma's Cookstove" they loved it and I loved the comments. I decided to develop a website and share myself there. Many stories there and I even left the older versions of myself. With the internet it seems months equal years and years are decades. Remember DOS? Was that not a century ago? The internet began long ago right? See what I mean?
I found friends somewhat filled the void marriage had created. I almost fell for a super close friend and came very close to talking about leaving with wife. My wife only recently seen how close I may have come. But she did not see, which we have since talked out, how not-so-close in reality it would actually have been. She also did not see how disturbed I was that it had gotten so close to me.
Yes ... I wanted our sex life to be my escape from life, the pleasure at the end of every day, or the great way to start the day. I wanted it very bad! But that little voice which had started to teach me about the lies I was being told had gotten to become louder and louder.
I have a super family. Yes we have our moments of strife within the harmony, but it has all been a building upon the old, not a tearing down. I have a very nice, even if half of it is old (over 100), house to live in. I have comfort and a job not too harsh as long as I do not let it get to me. I have freedom to develop a few friendships and freedom to express myself in sharing stories and perhaps even a novel someday.
Why was sex so important?
It sure seemed as if it was the most important. And we were not having mutual sex for what was becoming quite a long time. Then the road trip last summer happened. At the end of the road trip was our meeting of new and old chat friends in Cape Cod. And I had gotten over extreme shyness. I gave the ladies a nice "teddy-bear" hug and on some I gently touched my lips to their earlobe (what? you think I would actually nibble ... but hey, close enough). This went over very nicely. I felt accepted and I could be unique (I had practiced a lot on wife). And the "little brain" felt accepted � and worked as wife found out during one of our nights. For a few weeks when back from the Cape, during some morning chat times, I felt super when the friends mentioned how nice my hugs were and that they missed them. What an ego boost and this for a guy who used to not like hugging at all for many years. I guess I have plenty to catch up for in the hugging department.
I decided to find the counselor. And that story on other pages so I will not bore you with its details.
Bottom line ... my wife did try once again sex the way I thought I needed for happiness but could not get her heart into it. Then that voice which had also put educating visions in my head woke me up.
On days at work (idle hands make work of the devil?) I felt that what I wanted was perhaps wrong. It seemed ridiculous I would even want sex in such manners. Was I just getting older or was this wisdom?
I was also looking at why were pictures or television or real life views of other women arousing. Actually, I had been working on the question, "How can I become aroused with wife and not by any other females?" If looked at logically the human body was not exciting by itself. I had to be putting something along with it. I had to be adding thoughts to the views. The little voice years ago was the little engine that could and did ... finally ... begin to awaken me to truths.
I was not accepted in Cape Cod over sex. I was accepted for being me. This mere acceptance feeling allowed the little brain to work and feel sex for sex itself. My ideas of adding other things, which seemed to heighten sex, actually, in truth, were taking away from what was the truth ... that two people in love having sex was the ultimate sexual thrill. No baubles or trinkets or fantasies people and media would have us believe needed to be "added" to sex for it to be fulfilling.
With counseling I had seen in mind that my wife was not going to be able to provide what I had considered to be "thrilling sex". In my mind I knew that was not going to happen.
We have taken a rest during winter from counseling. But with the knowledge of this, finally, not going to happen, I still only felt aroused when these thoughts came into my mind. The little voice began to make me look more closely as to why they aroused me. I was not feeling better having these thoughts. A hope I had at Christmas when I had to work so much ... that e-mail friends would have letters and pictures for me ... how naive could I be? ... when I got nothing ... not even coal ... I fell into a depression.
I labored my friends with this. They were very gracious lifting me out of it. I felt ashamed for having let them know. But I also felt very good that they did come to rescue my sorry butt. I began to feel better.
And then I felt enlightened. I had many things to feel good about. I needed to put sex and sexual ideas aside.
Why?
How?
Why? Since I had lived within lies of how sex should be. All these lies which aroused me actually were taking the ultimate fulfillment of love and loving away from me. I felt released when I came to this conclusion (or was gifted with it). The little voice with its images for me to ponder upon taught me how foolish being aroused by other than true love was. What is the differences between flesh and flesh? I know this might sound extremely simplistic or absolutely goofy, but Adam and Eve popped into my mind. Why did they feel ashamed over being naked? What influence might there actually be present even today that began so long ago? The prince of liars (and not Jon off latest Survivor show either, although he might be an "A" student of the prince). The prince was alive and still at work for anyone willing to listen.
"OOOOhh this is a thrill to see"
"Hey, what about this thought?"
"Look at this vision I have for you!"
"What about this?"
"Did you see that? Better take a picture and keep huh?"
"Tape this ... isn't this something to keep and watch again and again?"
"She sure could make you happy huh?"
What were all these thoughts actually doing to me except to take away from the truth of true love and the fulfillment it brings?
This is why I need to put sex aside and see what God has in store ... somehow I truly believe it is going to be wild ... in that intimate, close sort of way.
How?
Many years ago ... about our fourth or fifth year of marriage ... a pastor, well into his late 50's, took a liking to me and we had many talks. I once brought up about nudity and appreciating the female form. I always remember his very good example:
"Wayne ... if you see it and you casually go along and just appreciate God's creation ... that is fine. But if after viewing you head upstairs to the wife for sex, you have crossed the line."
I have a cupboard on this desk I write at. This computer is not connected to the internet. I have only the TV or radio here. Each cupboard closure measures 9" by 11 and 1/2". On the outside of them are comics taken from the Sunday newspaper, a picture of the old house along side of the improved upon, added-to house, a small cloth cross, a few wise sayings, and a family picture. On the inside left are pictures of my kids at various ages, Donald Duck with a bent golf club (used to adorn my socks), and two cartoons, a Family Circus (Kids say to the parents as they are leaving church "Grandma says THIS is where our real religion begins - when we come out of church") and a Dennis the Menace (he is by his bed praying "Thanks for listening to me. It's good to have friends in high places"). The cartoons on the outside are various but most are of the Lockhorns. On the right inside cupboard are pictures ... some off the internet, some of super friends, some of my wife in "wilder" times. I open this when I write. It is open now. There is a LOT represented there ... all within such a small space. As I add something else becomes covered, but perhaps not all the way.
I plan to use this board in 2004 not only to inspire me as pictures of my friends do ... but also to serve as a gauge. If I view and see only the beauty of my friends and their encouragement, super ... if I become aroused, then I need to catch myself and remember.
My wife and I had sex before marriage just about the time it is now to when we were married. Perhaps abstaining about the same time period will make our special trip she plans to Alaska VERY special. Perhaps it will not take that long for me to learn what I need to firmly establish within myself so that I can enjoy the truth of marriage, love and sex. I will be patient. All during the time it has taken me to write this, I have been good on the gauge ... I appreciate greatly the pictures that are there, but I am not aroused, only appreciative. There is much meaning and inspiration some super friends have given me that is placed upon there. Even a couple "Betty Grables" so to speak.
I will have this page on the website although it will not be accessible after January 25th. It is something I wrote for my invited friends to see at this time. Perhaps in 2005 this will become available once again and hopefully a story of success to follow it.
You are free to copy it and send or post it wherever. Maybe some other goofy male is out there and a small voice is beginning to stir them. Maybe reading this would not take them so long to discover what has taken me so long.
2004 - I look to understand the ability to fully appreciate but not to lust. I look to write the novel. I do plan to take a road trip in May ... fall if need be ... with wife and to visit several super friends, and especially my co-writer in New Orleans area. I feel blessed having a few close friends I find absolutely adorable and they seem to like this goofy guy Wayne. I would like some "Betty Grables" if friends so choose for my birthday in April. Will be nice to be able to not only celebrate then, but to have a few new pictures to post upon my gauge and see how I am doing. I am not going to run away from viewing ... I am looking to overcome ... with the help of the "little voice", which I suppose actually originates from one super being, my Saviour.
I am sending a card out to my friends and I hope you will send me a simple e-mail with the words "Yes, I would like your stories this year". That I will put into a special folder I have marked 2004 and will use your e-mail to do replies on to send my stories, my update on Wayne so to speak, and pass along some jokes friends or relatives may have sent. There may even be a picture of me sometimes or a picture someone sent me that amused. I do plan to do this about every two weeks (except perhaps during vacation times). I do not plan to add to the website for this year until I have fulfilled my writing desire with the novel a friend is helping me to write. She adds the color to my black and white writing.
For those close friends who write me I will always write back personally. Everything I send, even the story e-mails planned every two weeks, is personally sent. I checked and my address book is still blank ... just the way I like it. I just plan to use your reply to my card I have sent you to have in the folder for the stories. No reply, no stories. I try and keep it very easy for you since I know life changes and people move on.
Please feel free to share with me any time and know I will share in return. Use [email protected] if you are ever having troubles.
You are in my prayers that you find your truths in life. I know I am in your thoughts and I thank you for your support that I achieve. One of my many blessings is happy marriages. I would love to get wedding or anniversary pictures as well as plain silly/goofy pictures of each other. They sure do bring a smile. I am hoping my wife embraces internet friendships for what they are ... friendships. I look forward to having several pictures from our trip to Alaska she is planning ... that I might share these with you over the fall season. Maybe I can get her to do a "Betty Grable" on an iceberg or a glacier? One can dream right?
I have decided that trying to do a Walt Disney trip on our means will not be practical and friends are fearful of something like this. But I also know if I ever had the means, and it was a celebration, like the novel sold, that friends might come to Disney World to help celebrate good fortune. So that is my goofy dream ... with a grin.
Thank you for reading this and I welcome comments as always. I learn from my friends comments. I think we all do. Bad or good. Heavens knows my co-writer friend has no problem with either (hehehe ... which makes her very good to be my partner in writing the novel).
So here is a wish ... a prayer ... a warm thought ... may God bless you ... or the little voice help you ... with all the truths life holds that bring you ultimate fulfillment.
your goofy adoring friend Wayne
