RAMBLING
A Day of Rambling
March 2nd, 2003
The foot continues to heal but rather slowly. I am back to work in a limited capacity and my whole life seems to have become "divided" into three recognizable segments. There is my life before surgery, my life during healing right after surgery, and my life which I appear to be awakening to, as if I was coming out of a dreamy state of mind.
I would suppose that major milestones and/or interruptions of our "normal" lives create these "illusions" of the old self and the new self. Entering Kindergarten or Pre-school perhaps our first real taste of recreating ourselves. Unless one would remember their birthing into the world which I imagine is as traumatic for the child as it is for the mother delivering. Unlike the mother whose pain is rewarded with the joy of a child it might be best if the child does not remember their pains I suppose.
If one would even try and think of how this might be I suppose most of us would perish in fright alone. If you have been in a cast for any time at all, usually less than a month, you know how it takes pain and time to regain the use of the same limb which before the need for the cast moved easily enough. Do we dare to think about the nine months within the bodily cast of the womb?
Nine months within an existence of fluid and warmth and love, nestled beneath the rhythmic heartbeat of the one who nourishes and protects us. Suddenly we are wretched with uncontrollable surges of pain which provokes us to struggle against the very walls that once sheltered us. If we could scream we would as the terror is taking us away from our secure home. We grasp and kick our way as the fluid which has protected us rushes away. The walls are closing in around us as we struggle against them. We find an escape that we instinctively push through, be it with foot, hand or head. We feel ourselves being crushed by our escape route but our once loving and secure home has become a fury of hell kicking us out. Huge hands reach in and grab hold of us. We are unable to resist them. They drag us out from the enclosing and suffocating walls. We gasp. We choke. We feel pain in places we were not ever aware that we even had. Then suddenly our insides fill up with nothing and yet it is something. It invades us. It forces out the liquid, the small remnants of what was our friend, and ejects it from us forcibly. Our body rejects our liquid friend, treating it now as an enemy of our very existence. We begin to embrace this stranger to our insides and welcome it. It fills us and rapidly becomes our new close friend who will always be there as we begin this new life and live. We will ignore its importance, except at those times it carries foreign invaders deep within us, or those times our friend leaves us, is hard to grasp, and escapes us in our end. Our new friend gives us a gift upon our beginning relationship as we find the strength to fill up our insides, and then forcibly exhale a scream and cry out, announcing our newfound existence and displeasure of being forced from our secure, easy and safe home, into a life where we now must struggle each and every moment. Seemingly very much alone at times, unless we remind ourselves of the friend which sustains us, and is there with us each and every moment, as long as we shall live in this new life.
Maybe I should stick to "Americana" stories?
Why call this a "Day of Rambling"?
Since I may ramble from one thought to the next. Most stories I do have incubated for a time within my mind and some notes are usually jotted down. I am not one to make formal outlines but my mind seems to, probably due to some good English teachers from grade school through high school. But then there are the occasions such as this day when I feel very inspired to touch upon several subjects and just share the state of "Wayne" as only "WayneKarl" can probably pen/type.
I do feel like I am "waking up" from a slumber that has seemed to have lasted as long as Rip VanWinkle's. This seems very odd to me this sensation of having my life before surgery seem so long ago and feeling like my present life is slowly becoming real to me once again.
My life gets thrown sometimes from one extreme to another. Kids sure do add a lot of the extremes it seems. Desire, wants, hopes and dreams add others. Wanting life to have a meaning to someone other than myself provokes extremes at times.
Does anything remain permanent in this life we were forced into? Nothing seen or touched or sensed in some way seems permanent as it can rot or be destroyed in some way. What does stay and remain for the ages? Is it important that it does?
I read once, I believe it was a book about Wicca, how nothing tangible is real. The tangible was not real as it would, even if it took ages, disappear. Even the universe, as theories go, will disappear and become something else. The book proposed that ideas, the intangible, is what is real, what will always remain. This seemed very profound to me. As the book explained how the idea which created an object or teaching would not ever disappear, as the objects and creations they spawned lost their existence, this actually made sense to me. I have accepted this until my time of healing and reflection. Are they even real if no one remembers them and only because we do not know where the ideas have come from or gone to?
Just a string of thought perhaps :)
I am loving this day of writing. I hope you enjoy the reading. Formulating thoughts ... structuring them into words ... spending just one day of time sharing my inner self to anyone caring to read ... then perhaps wondering why they cared :)
Real life - I just spoke to the doctor office about the progress of healing of the foot since it swelled so much at work yesterday (due to weather changes and the surgery was very intrusive), called a local nursery and set aside fifty pounds of Pontiac potatoes I plan to have in my garden (kids and I hopefully to plant Sunday afternoon when they get here after church), drinking green tea with honey, having watched some old tapes of talk shows (Rosie O'Donnell from 1998 it appears as that was the year displayed on her breast cancer awareness part of her show), and now VH-1 on a little. Liked Jennifer Lopez's new video and now a segment is coming on about Aerosmith. Looks interesting but I think I will go back to Rosie and I should have Jay Leno coming up sometimes. I plan to use these tapes to get Jay Leno shows and watch them the week following the taping. Maybe this time I might even stay current (relatively ... as in one week verses a few years). I know ... a strange duck ... good thing I am male and human ... okay ... maybe strange duck would be better.
Okay, I know many of my friends will not believe what I am about to share but here goes ... I am giving up on sex for a year. It seems thinking about sex or trying to do is nothing but hassle. I might have a "one-sided" agreement with God right now but it seems if I can give it up for a time and not be concerned about it something VERY beautiful and wonderful is coming my way. Okay ... Aerosmith has bogged down in the show so time for me to start playing a talk show tape. Sandra Bullock was refreshingly human and down-to-earth on Rosie. It was true fun. Time to get back to my sexual fantasy story? I could spend a lot of time explaining why but I do not think that would be very beneficial for all the details. Sometimes it is simply best to step back and let things settle to see what forms out of the dust. You think our Creator might have done this? Depending on what you believe or do not believe I suppose.
Shannon Doherty was just on Rosie ... she shares about her crooked eyes and "spider legs". The spider legs came about since her freshman year of high school due to her short torso. Hard to believe for her 5'4" stature she would be demeaned and teased this way but one could tell it had a negative effect upon her. The crooked eyes she shared came about when she shared this interesting fact in an interview in her early stardom life and then was teased by the crew and fellow cast members for years to come. So what does she finally do at the end of her visit with Rosie (and might be more comfortable with herself or trying to hide her emotions behind humor her unique features)? She announces her longer-than-normal toes and asks the audience if they would like to see. What do you think the answer was? So of course she pulls off her show and sure enough she has some very long toes. Rosie compares them with her fingers and the show ends. Now I listened and seen an opening segment of breast cancer x-rays and procedures on another Rosie opening. If I was not busy typing this I think this male would have done the "fast forward" thing. But I did not so if anyone would like a breast exam I am sure I can "show" you and demonstrate if you are willing. Okay, I am kidding ... just not the proper thing to do or even to think about for me right now perhaps. Thankfully my focus has been saved with a Halloween commercial featuring the Pillsbury Doughboy ;)
This time of healing has allowed, or forced somewhat, a time for me to review what things I have accomplished, what things I have tried to accomplish and have not, and what things I would hope to accomplish.
I was on a teeter-totter of what to do in life. I adore females ... rather unique for a male huh? I really do appreciate the varieties of the female forms and wonderful smiles. It is hard to keep from thoughts of "what if" and enjoy the opposite sex in friendly terms only. I have been guilty many times of thinking of the "what if's". But I am not ready for a what if in my life at this time. Or at least I do not want to rush into one. So I have been on the teeter-totter, or as some would say the roller coaster, of wanting to dive towards one idea and then lifted up to another. I have really had my heart set on the Walt Disney World idea with a group of friends who know me. I have a super friend who resides with me at this time and takes care of me which is very nice. I have several close friends I am speaking with on the internet. Some have decided to offer that they would be willing to join me in some Disney fun. Then the "what-ifs" came flooding in. Strong temptations to be sure. But I really need to set aside what has been more trouble and fulfillment for far too long. But with no hope of anything fun (so to speak), what drives this male?
I really do want to make some close, perhaps real close female friends who I find exciting/interesting, sharing our inner feelings and delicate thoughts. I also would hope to discover a writing partner, perhaps solidify the arrangement while on the vacation trip in 2004 I am planning. I do enjoy writing freely, or writing short stories, or a "rambling" piece such as this I am doing right now. I also enjoy the more structured "novel" type writing but lose interest without a strong "partner" to help me through the "low" areas, the "work" of writing when actually desiring it to be something to benefit from as well as benefit others.
So I am making the 2004 May WDW vacation my goal to take some personal and close friends to, up to six, for a "long weekend" and see if floating along a lazy river or two, watching Disney theatricals, enjoying some rides together, feasting on some dinners, and laughing at some of Disney's evening antics will open an avenue to what possibilities I may have after waking from another dreamy state of mind. No sex during the vacation, just good clean fun with adult friends who do not mind being practical and simply would love to go along with a group who might only have one thing in common ... knowing this goofy guy. Not to be worshiped or anything even close to being idolized, just that we all like a good time and we, the you and I in friends, have shared so much between us. And not that anyone "earned" the trip or expecting something permanent from the trip ... just coming together to be with each other and enjoy the time together. No "reality TV", no prize to be had, just the prize of fun and sharing fun in a group. I have a year to make sure my mind and body and spirit is prepped and ready to commit to just having fun and not even coming close to the "what ifs" before or during the vacation, but just take in all the moments, very precious moments, of each friend there. Two rooms, four beds, six guests, one goofy male, this is my goal. If I have a partner in the bed it will either be my friend who helps me maintain the house (no sex) or perhaps my younger brother.
Well ... just back from lunch ... Subway ... no gourmet meals although the bread chosen was Italian Herb Cheese ... can I claim gourmet with this?
Some of the things I have been thinking to write over the next year I have listed on a page of my theme notebook. A comic friend who brought much joy to me and many others with a good name familiar to many. I will just say part of his name in the story which was John Howie. He passed away suddenly. He and his wife were good friends. A bowling story of how a couple new to bowling on a league, with no partners, only a "ghost" couple for the first weeks, develop a deep friendship with another couple, just by taking a chance. Stories from childhood and young adulthood I will share now just in titles, "Strawstack of Imagination", "Acres of Raspberries", "Three Cousins", "Grandpa and the Shotgun", "Otto", and "High School Love". Other ideas include my "goofy" views about faith and relationships. And I have a story to share that I briefly shared in an e-mail, which I think will be much better in more detail and story format about a real life experience based upon a Cosby show.
I should not drink anything with caffeine as it gives me a headache eventually. Tomorrow I stop once again but with foot keeping me up at times and work the twelve-hour plus shifts at times, I have had cappuccino�s at times (the green tea is de-caffeinated). I had one this morning and now just finished one I got for after lunch. I am not feeling as inspired in writing right now as it creeps up on 2 p.m. I plan to stop at 5. Time for grapefruit juice and I will brb :)
Real juice grapefruit juice ... seems to perk me up. Three things I will probably need though to write a lot and well (maybe good) ... someone who can keep me hungry while writing, excited by doing the writing since I have someone shouldering it with me, and someone who excites me to excel. Now there is wishful thinking to the extreme.
Here is something from 1998 Rosie ... Annette Benning talks about her part in the movie "The Siege", and tells about how she plays a CIA agent fighting terrorists in the World Trade Center with explosions set off at various parts of New York City. Who knew how close to eventual reality this would become? And her lines from the segment shown when she tells them to use the shooters? "Look. It's lose/lose any way you play it. You want to lose little or lose big?" I have some real reservations about our war in Iraq (wait a minute ... President Bush says the war is over officially now ... time will tell). I support our troops and acknowledge that most people make decisions they think is best, and most really do make decisions they feel is in the best interest of those they are responsible or feel responsible for. And I honestly have no opinion at this time if the war was truly justifiable in the eyes of justice of the world view which is the view that eventually will count in all of this. I truly do hope weapons of mass destruction are found (not planted), and that the future Iraq will justify the means used to get it there. Supporting of the troops I believe everyone should do ... having been one I can not fathom though coming home from serving and be treated shamefully. I am certainly glad one of the lessons learned from the Viet Nam War (conflict my hiney), is that the troops are doing the duty we have sworn to do. I am not saying where I fall in the era as I am not going to date myself quite yet :)
Before I run out of time I want to share a bit about some very close friends I have right now and my hopes to get to know these people much better. Perhaps as I "gush" a bit about them you might see more of me in their reflections.
One friend I now have loves to ramble. Really ramble. She no sooner shoots off a sentence or two taking me on one train of thought and then just as quickly has another thrown in, then returns at some point of time to the original point to sum it up. She is the one who told me she rambles. I would call it "free writing" - writing whatever as it comes to mind. I would probably go straight to goofy land if all my friends wrote like this. But with her I feel I can practice the free writing style. It gives me someone to bounce off the free style of writing who will not be upset with its "rambling" ways. She used to bring up her writing and excuse herself until she found out I truly accepted her style of writing. I find it refreshing to sort out fragmented thinking. She continually amuses me whenever she shares that she gets lost in my ramblings. I just find that very amusing.
I do desire to make close friends with a variety of backgrounds. All types. Thinking of the friends I have right now and those I hope I can get closer to is making me feel like giving in to the male hormones a bit, but I finally see where I can discard these feelings for now and focus just on the friendship. It will be hard to do (okay, there is your opportunity for pundom), but I feel (another opportunity for the pun mistresses) in my heart this will be a truly nice time to keep that part of me asleep until the trip is OVER (and I hope a year is enough time to prepare myself) and I review life at that point and pursue whatever avenues seem truly open to do so.
What do I plan to do in the meantime? I plan to work the overtime needed so that my kids do not suffer and I can afford not only the rooms, but also dinners and the tickets. I truly want this to be mostly my treat. I plan to write short stories to post on this website on my weekday afternoons after working overtime (except summer perhaps when I would rather be at the beach and swim with the kids and this might be my last summer to do with the two and sometimes all three as son may enter service after Christmas). I plan to use my one Sunday every two weeks to write personal letters to those friends who have been so wonderful to have wrote me. Speaking of summer, someone please keep me in thought and prayers perhaps that this foot surgery will not keep me from playing tennis.
What would I enjoy from my friends during this next year? A letter once in a while when the mood hits. Freely write in whatever style suits you (or no style at all, like me perhaps, but then would we all be considered in our birthday suits if we have no style?). I have a few pictures I have decided to share. I also plan to make some special ones to begin sharing starting Christmas for those who have been very special to me in their sharing. Nope ... not nudes ... well, at least no full Monty's.
Friday and almost time to close this but I think I will sleep on it before posting on the website tomorrow. I was going to write about some other truly fabulous friends but I think I will just dedicate this train of thought, this writing, to my rambling friend who has shared a lot of her history, her family and her views, who wrote me a lot while I was off on my healing, who tells me what she thinks plainly, especially when she does not agree with me.
I have enjoyed writing this day and I hope the couple of short stories I was inspired to type as I began writing today amused you, made you think, and most of all, gave you a desire to explore life a bit more, and hopefully desire to explore life with me a little bit more.
Perhaps next time if it was not you I spoke of today, I will be inspired to write with you centrally within my mind. I am simply awestruck by some of the most fabulous friends I have been blessed to meet and I hope they find time to share more of themselves with me in words and pictures. Several really come to mind I must share with here in titles only so as not to spoil the surprise of them seeing themselves featured not by name, but by my reflection of how special I see them. So let's see as I approach my 5 p.m. time if I can come up with meaningful titles they might know is them in mind as they might read this and then I will close.
Poetic Leather
Lycra Golden Christian
Surprising Super Friend
Latex Brilliance
Wiccan Beauty
I was truly tempted in giving more description (and did but removed) and I have resisted, just as I have resisted in giving in to hormonal goofy male nudging. I might get trained yet :)
I look forward to WDW. Even though it is a year away form now, I have lived life long enough to know that a year goes by quickly, especially with kids around. Seems like only last year my son literally jumped into my arms when I had grabbed the phone just about this time of year and made reservations for our first trip and stay at Cedar Point, right on the grounds. I had no idea how badly he wanted to go to Cedar Point and how much it meant to this little guy to stay right on the site with the lake in view (I loved the early mornings and watching the sunrise, albeit alone, as it broke above the horizon of water ... let me know if you would ever desire me to write this story sometime. Send me some nice swimsuit pics and perhaps I will do two things ... send you my pic from Blizzard Beach and put you into the story --- not your pic --- just something like a dream sequence). Back to focus Wayne (me telling me to behave now). My son now would hurt something if he jumped like that into my arms today and that something would probably be me. I have been very fortunate that my kids all like me now, even the oldest daughter who once thought my ways were so stupid, has seen the wisdom of me being me. My kids know there are basic rules that have to be kept, many rules subject to honest review and changes, and they all know they have the right to have dad in their life as much as they want or as little. A smart friend told me to let my oldest daughter have a lot of freedom where it came to deciding how I fit in and just stick with certain unchangeable principles and allow for many though to evolve. I love female friends just for this reason if not for the beauty of form and smiles as well. Smartest things I have ever done have evolved from listening to women. And with that, the clock has beeped, the time for me right now to write is over, and I want to give all my friends past, present and future a HUGE HUG and THANKS. I will simply proofread this tomorrow and then promptly post before noon unless something comes up (not that something silly friends ... oh how I love to tease I suppose). I do not believe in deleting anything usually when speaking from the heart since then it would take away too much heart and be too much of the mind. Too prepared.
May peace ... love ... hugs ... laughter ... and a WHOLE LOT of JOY (look up the true meaning sometime of joy) be YOURS and mine as well,
WayneKarl ... aka Loveinvest ... wrap yourself in loving feelings this day and the days to come :)
