The following are jokes friends have sent me which made me laugh and I thought I would put here. These may be changed from time to time as I have time :)
Joys of Womanhood
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs.. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
A lady had submitted this "life moment" story but did not send me the Christmas card (sighs):
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into
the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran
for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so
well that I had copies made and included one with each
of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called
about the picture, laughing hysterically, and
suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at
the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition
to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror
wearing nothing but a camera!
7 reasons to not mess with a child:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'Theres Jennifer. She's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her. She asked him why he is staring and he replies �I have a question to ask you but I don�t want to offend you�.
She answer � My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you�re as old as I am and I have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I am sure that there is nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive�.
�Well, I�ve always had a fantasy to have a nun have sex with me�
She responded �Well let�s see what we can do about that: No. 1 you have to be single and No. 2 you must be a Catholic�.
The cab driver is very exited and says �yes� I am.
She says �okay pull into the next alley�.
He does and the nun fulfill his fantasy. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
�My dear child� said the nun, �why are you crying?�
Forgive me sister but I have sinned. I lied I must confess. I m married and I am a Baptist.
The nun says �That�s OK I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
A Chicagoan dies and is sent to hell. The devil wanted to punish him
extra severely, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a
sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the
humidity. "Love my kingdom!" laughs the devil.
After a couple of days the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is
suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he looks at the Chicagoan
happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil
walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat
way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
The Chicagoan, smiling big, looks at the devil and replies, "This is
great! It reminds me of August in Chicago. Hot, humid, a really good
place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Chicagoan's
remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up
to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Chicagoan is happily
slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The
Chicagoan replies, "This is great! Just like April in Chicago. It reminds me of working out in my backyard, doing my spring cleaning!"
The devil is now completely baffled. Angry, and desperate to make
hell really HELL, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the
temperature plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Chicagoan miserable, the devil checks in on the
Chicagoan. He is aghast at what he sees. The Chicagoan is dancing,
singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!" screams
the devil.
Jumping up and down the Chicagoan throws a snowball
at the devil and yells,
"Hell's frozen over! This means the Cubs are in the playoffs!"
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how
important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but
my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your
Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hardbodied, well hung, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
"accident of evolution" had created. What majestic trees! What powerful
rivers! What beautiful animals, he said to himself. As he was walking
alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He
turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him. He ran as
fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that
the bear was closer. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were
coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was
even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even
faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with
his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant
the atheist cried out "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent Even the river
stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
of the sky,
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light.
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest returned.
And then the bear dropped his right paw
... brought both paws together
... bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food, which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful,
Amen"
