New Year's Day 2004
The look back
Not a story of how people are or may be, this is a story of me, myself and I.
Three stooges?
Nope :)
Just me who likes having fun and being a goofy guy (or some might say a wisecracker or wise___.
Usually I ask how you might feel at various points of whenever I share a story about myself or a view or an opinion I might have. Today, almost noon now, the Survivor series shut off since I can not get into writing with it on, just far too many thoughts to sort and watch something. Even the Rose parade. So I have turned off the TV and am typing this out now. I have been thinking about many things and have had many thoughts flying through. It is time for me to embrace the sounds of family doing their own various "things" today and dive into my thing ... my resolution as it were ... and try and share myself here with you this day.
So, as you read, I hope God helps me use the right words so you may feel what I am trying to relate. Perhaps you have experienced many of the things I share. I share what I feel I need to set my sights upon for this brand new year named 2004. I feel in my heart my success this year will only be with the help, prayers and loving support of friends like you XOXOXOX
Usually I do take a look back a bit before looking forward. In scripture this is not a good thing to do. Maybe I am unfit for God's uses. It will not stop me from trying though.
I was voted during class night so many years ago by my peers in high school the following three "titles":
Class Clown
Class Arguer
Teacher's Pet
I have always wondered how in the world I could have "won" (having been voted for by a committee of peers) by what appears to be opposite qualities. The clown I could see since I did like to be a joker somewhat. I did challenge teachers especially during test questions if they were ambiguous. Teacher's Pet ... was that an automatic award for the guy with the highest gradepoint average? Perhaps.
I was totally naive in the opposite sex, and myself. Once with my brief time in the Mormon religion I had thought I would be in some boring sex life. Of course I had no idea about sex. I was the goofy one who thought waiting until marriage was the thing to do. Then I found out that even within the Mormon religion what was done within the bedroom was sanctified. WOW. I felt freed since I thought marriage and the sex and everything associated with sex would be my highlight of life here on earth (by what I had read and seen of course). I thought once I found the one and was sure we could work through anything we felt opposite about. I was a "give and take" compromise type person. I figured life with my partner would be one exciting day after another. I knew we would have moments to work past, but with love I felt we would find our common ground each time. I would give sometimes, she would give others.
It did not work out this way at all. I thought of sex as the ultimate personal adventure and thrill ride. I would give her the intimate moments she craved for and thrill her to no ends. I felt good doing this. I think she felt I was always doing it in spite of not liking to do whatever it was. I did like doing various things for her. But I wanted my turn also. My turn was always left wanting. No reasons were given me. No logic could be found. It simply would not be done for me.
I will not share what and how and everything. It is not needed. Mine would be different from any one else's. This does not make it right or wrong. It would be simply different. What was I to do?
I have tried many angles ... many ideas ... listened for clues ... sought answers. Always to my disappointment. In the late winter, early spring of 2002, I finally decided to give up. I had found an internet game named Everquest my son and I had taken a chance and begun. I would eat and drink whatever I wished, do no duties other than my job, cast off writing ideals, and just work for the money for surviving for as long as I would and play in the game. However long it might last. I did not care.
I knelt down in front of my easy chair as I had other times. I had made a decision. I gave a very heart-felt prayer to God ... "I need a friend God" ... this is what I prayed. Not ever expecting an answer. Just "Lord, I am giving up, I need help in my life, I am giving up since no one understands me, no one loves me for whom I am". I felt utterly worthless since what I was, what I felt I needed, was not accepted in my home life ... within my marriage. Not accepted at all even if just in the bedroom. Even if only between us which would always be my way. My faith would not allow me to leave her. I thought about adding someone. But since it is me with the problem ... I would only be adding to the problem then.
So I went into the game with this nice new race named Vah Shir. I was going to gain experience and level my warrior. I was in one of my favorite areas of the game wiping out orcs. With the warrior class I had to rest to heal. Then a cleric happened along. A cleric can heal and be gaining "mana" so they rest while I work and then they heal and I can keep working. We teamed up.
Being the goofy guy I like to be I make wise cracks ... goofy remarks. It might be how the computer generated creature looks or it might be on how they fall over dead. It might be an effect a spell makes when cast. It might be anything and everything. So I did what I do and made some remarks. She laughed. Not only did she laugh, she laughed in all the right places it seemed. We really connected. She had the time and I had the time so we set up times to play again in the game. We exchanged e-mails so we could let each know if schedules changed. I was quite well known then with another character I had been using to help people. When her husband found out he was thrilled she had met up with someone like me to team with. At that time we each had only one computer within our household. My son and I shared ours here, she and her husband shared theirs there.
We began to exchange e-mails. Up until this time I had only chatted in Yahoo and ICQ in rooms and messages. I disliked ICQ since it messed with my computer so I deleted it. I have been a Yahoo user. I had a room of friends I met around my age and I had one teacher in Kansas which I and my family had become good friends with.
This new friend felt different. We really connected in the game and through our e-mails. I felt enthused about writing since she had a major in English and was a school teacher. I wrote stories reflecting our adventures within the game. She fell in love with them and commented on my writing capabilities which I always held in doubt.
And ... she loved me for me. We got real close within sharing about ourselves. We found out we connected on so many levels. We then became a support group for trying different things with our spouses. Hers was a success, mine failed. The experiment was to have our spouse give us a massage while we said what we loved about them, and then for them to give us a massage while we said nice things about them. Rules were that nothing bad could be said. When she and I got together on the internet to exchange what had happened, she had said her husband had said some nice things although he had "qualified" his statements. Before going into the experiment I had felt sure she would have had the harder story. What had happened when it was my turn to massage my wife while she told nice things about me? She said not a word. Nothing came to her mind. I had no idea I was that worthless. Only by my new friend and her support was I able to maintain my new resolves to try within our relationship. Only by my new friend was I writing once again (I had wrote for eight years a religious volunteer piece for the main newspaper in the two-county area). I wanted to stick with completing a novel on one of several ideas I have had, but I could feel myself losing the incentive to do so. I had my friend and she, knowing all about me, loved me for me and supported me. Life seemed good yet and I felt I would be able to work through why my wife was not inspired by me any more.
I always though a little jealousy for each other was a good thing. I was wrong. Terribly so. Her husband decided his wife was in far too good a mood so he put spy ware on their computer. Mind you we never said about having sex with each other. But in the game our characters would flirt. She loved to flirt a lot. I followed along gladly. He read what we were saying to each other and flew into a rage. Looking over the actuality of everything he would always tell me I had done nothing wrong, but he was upset over what we were doing in the game, primarily what she was doing. Then he would actually say to me how we really were not doing anything wrong at all, but that he could not control his jealousy. I admired him for telling me that. But he was true to his word, he hated me through and through even when being nice. His last e-mail to me was apologizing for his behavior but he could not get over his jealousy. They divorced with over ten years of relationship and right after their second anniversary. Needless to say I was on a roller coaster ride many of the times from June 2002 until early 2003. She and I still e-mail each other. I was very tempted to join her. But two things have stopped me:
- first and foremost, I married for life. It is until death do us part. I value my faith and my resolve. Marriage to me is sacred and no matter how far tempted, my trust in God has always prevented me from crossing lines I feel one can not cross. I can not leave my wife. I am faithfully bound to her. I also share a lot with her and can not conceive being without her by my side as long as God has intended. I do not have a terrible life ... I really do not. The hole I have in life by what she can not or will not fill she does allow, would allow, me to fill in other ways. "If not for God there go I" is a true living statement for me since I would have gone astray if not for God. It is hard to live and love when I feel I am not accepted.
- the second reason is I knew that she and him were a pair. I always told her that. Now in this new year it does appear they will be living once more together and getting counselling for his (and her's, but she refuses to admit but I have seen several times) issues of hate. I plan to stick by my friend since she has opened my eyes to many things. I do trust God and when our paths crossed that day in the game I felt she was, and has been, a Godsend. It is where I am today.
I do trust God. I trust that He will find me when I feel so lost. I trust that God sends people to help people.
2003 --- I had an operation on my foot last spring (which has not healed even now ... how long can a big toe suffer?). I had time with nothing but being in a chair. I decided to try and reach out with e-mails. I would get to at least write some friends. I did find a few including someone who is a very pretty writer (how they write, although pretty on both accounts), and a Russian friend who has been sharing faith and philosophy with me, plus a super friend who loves to ramble a lot, which at times I love to do also. Just write as the heart and fingers go at it. It is sure nice when someone reads a rambling, not only do they make sense out of it all, it does not bother them that I have jumped from one train of thought to the next and then back again.
I also went on a road trip this last summer which really helped me in raising my self-esteem. I found myself as some might say. I went with my dad to Birmingham, I travelled visiting relatives, and then I was in Cape Cod with wife and youngest daughter with a group of internet chat friends. We stayed in the motel the friend owned. Friends actually liked my hugs and me and wanted their picture with this goofy guy. I felt truly appreciated. I felt so good I actually was able to have sex with my wife when I had not been able to for months. All of this led me to finally make us go to counselling. I had wanted to for several years after feeling frustrated at not being able to resolve differences in one area of our life, which was important to me and as I found was important to her ... sex. But she never wanted to go to counselling. I still think she does not like it.
But after knowing what not dealing with this problem of mine, of us, was doing to me, and possibly to her and us, I reached out. I knew it would have to be a female counsellor or my wife would not talk. Two Christian centers did not have. I made a tentative appointment with one after being convinced by the receptionist he was very good. But within an hour I cancelled it knowing a male would not work. I made a call to one other I thought might work. Her receptionist said she would call back that day. She did not. I figured on giving up.
Two days later I happened to get a phone call. It was the counsellor. Her first question was why her? That threw me a bit off guard but I simply said that I had seen her ad in the yellow pages and having a female name I figured she was female and explained why I felt that would be necessary. I set a date and she told me based on our first meeting would decide if she was a good choice or she might know someone else to help. To me, this was a good sign. She was not hung up on herself and would be looking to help us instead of just having another couple paying her so to speak.
Our first meeting and subsequent meetings went along well. She got the wife to share with me what things went on within our life she did not want to continue. Fair enough. It was even open yet that perhaps I could get some of what things I would like but that she was not sure.
During the past fall months from August to November I have succeeded in providing what I was supposed to. My wife even begun to do the same. But her heart was not in it and it showed profusely. With the counselling it became apparent to all of us that I would not have my hole within me filled. we have taken a break from counselling so I can recuperate a bit from the strain. I still do the home things and not ask for or do some of the intimate things as I agreed to. I started to look at friends and friendships to perhaps fill in my gap. My friends have in many ways. I have lost some friends since they may have had other ideas about me. I had a situation with daughter and home life that prevented me from taking a trip to New Orleans to meet my co-writer friend in person. I was feeling pretty empty until three old friends and a couple of new ones really shown me how loved I am for me being me, married and all, goofy and goofy looking perhaps. I certainly do not consider myself any prize of any sort. But I sure have felt loved and accepted and life was not feeling too poorly at all. I felt I could struggle to survive, even struggle to achieve.
Writing to friends ever two weeks I found to be very enjoyable when I got such lovely comments back. Jokes friends and relatives sent me I could choose a few and send along to my friends. My friends enjoyed the personal stories. For those who actually wrote me between the Sundays I had off every two weeks, I would personally send them e-mails in return. I loved them, they seemed to love me. even though sex in my home life was almost non-existent, I felt good since I was loved for who I am, not what I should be for someone else.
I had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Not my usual type of year. Last year I had taken the whole holiday season off except one day I went in to work to help. I thought I had the perfect idea. On my e-mail to friends before Christmas I made what I thought was a simple request ... please e-mail me with something for Christmas Day.
Having to work from 6 a.m. to 7 p.m. Christmas Eve I checked for e-mails. Nada. Zip. Nothing was there. "Well", I thought, "it was the busy Christmas season". Since I was too late for the earlier Christmas Eve I with family had planned to attend the 11 p.m. service. I had time and I went through some greeting cards and found what I thought was the perfect one. I started sending each one out individually to each friend, adding personal comments to each one. I sent most out that night, and early on Christmas morning sent the rest. I then had to work from 1 to 7 Christmas Day and came home anticipating before I went to bed a friend would have a nice e-mail there for me. I got a couple of nice Christmas Cards and a few nice thank you cards. My friends did respond. I should feel good. But it was not anything I was expecting. I felt I was being selfish though. How dare I expect e-mail friends to have to think of me during Christmas. Who did I think I was? I did receive some responses and should have felt good about what I did get.
But Friday, the day after Christmas, I felt anything but good. Physically I was okay, emotionally I felt very down. I just eased through the day. I thought about doing the writing for Sunday. I did have a couple of jokes already on the page waiting for the personal story. I just did not feel like doing much of anything. Even playing the game with the kids was not very thrilling or uplifting (we now have a router and three computers hooked into a cable system).
Saturday ... still feeling like I was in the dumps. The blahs had caught me. I had in my mind I had no reason for the feelings, but inside I felt down. Period. Perhaps like one feeling jealousy he could not control, I felt depressed for reasons I felt I could not control. My co-writer friend is the one who had told me not to hide feelings since that would only make me a fake. So, not feeling like doing anything else, I did share how I felt as I felt it. I was not mad or angry, I was simply feeling the blahs and could not shake them and asked my friends to understand and love me anyway ... actually feeling that I was sinking my friendships since this would be the last thing they would want to read from someone who usually lifted their hearts with nice stories and jokes.
I actually did have a couple of friends share how surprised they were that I would ever feel such despair. I may have lost a couple of friends by sharing. But a handful did come to my rescue just by being there for me. The words they shared in their e-mails chased my blahs more swiftly away from me then as the blahs had fallen upon me. I felt loved and I felt real good once again. I felt I needed to make some decisions for 2004 and shared with my few friends that I would put these here upon this day.
2004 --- well, here it is ... January 1st. Goals, resolutions, ideals ... always fluid, but needed perhaps since what direction would I proceed with if I chose not to have any direction?
My goals for this year:
- not to change marital status for 2004. It is our 25th anniversary. She is to make the plans entirely so I can see how she would do things left to her own opinions, desires and wants. If I help in any way as I normally would, what would I find out? She tried to get my opinions the other day ... using several tricks ... no dice. I plan to accept our sex life as it is and see what God might provide if I am not struggling to get things I can not. This is my challenge for the year and not to think too much about sex and to just let things happen if they will. I have spent far too much life being disappointed sexually. So I have thought "what would happen if I do not think about it?". Worth a try. Somehow, even though she has been my only true sexual partner, us having sex before marriage I think has tainted us. Perhaps if I can put sex aside something real good may come about. I did not ever say I was smart.
- be good to my friends. Become close friends with those who are open to becoming close friends. I will become lost again without a few close friends. Even sitting here typing this I can feel a sense of hopelessness as I might be letting down someone special I truly need to help make 2004 a success in my life.
- writing. Personal stories from my childhood and present time stories, adding a few jokes I have been sent (I hope). If my co-writer decides to continue, I plan to put forward much more effort into this. Unfortunately to be creative and work on something like this I need to feel creative. Yes, I feel I have some high hopes for this year that may fail. It is the chance I have decided to take.
- Atkins and exercise. I do think my weight is an issue. I feel better losing some pounds and working out. I do plan to have my pasta night with fruit once every two weeks on my Sundays off. Otherwise I eat a lot of vegetables with the diet which is my actual first time following a diet at all.
- family and home life. I have begun to complete many projects which I plan to continue on. After building the large addition and making this old house into a newer one that even fooled the city appraiser, I had gradually stopped doing things like this. I think I did this since it is what made her happy and she was not helping me out all these years. In counselling she confirmed her displeasure with things not being done and to which I agreed to do. It was funny that a ceiling fan she wanted was made an example. It was not due until the Saturday after our next counselling session but I completed it on the day of our counselling and when the counsellor brought it up (forgetting it was not due yet) ... my wife's jaw dropped when I said it was already completed (plus other things). I have decided to continue completing projects for this year.
Perhaps this is not anything of world importance. Okay, I know it is not of world importance. But it is important to my world ... Wayne's World. I do realize I have a house of cards here since my foundation for now depends on internet e-mail friends who might drop me at any time for no reason at all. I already know what I will do if that were to happen. Aside from living in the grasp of the blahs ...
I would get on my knees ...
praying to God ...
"Please send me a friend, I need help Lord"
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