Title: Yule with Wood et al.
Author: Kristina [[email protected]]
Pairing: Elijah / Ian M
Rating: R for cursing
Archive: LFSI.
Summary: Christmas Day at Elijah Wood et al.

Disclaimer: This story is complete and total fiction. Any similarities to actual events are completely coincidental. I don’t think these fellows were within a hundred miles from each other on 25/12. There’s a bunch of minor Original Characters in here that aren’t based on any real people what so ever. I just made them, and this story’s premise, up. I’m not implying anything. 

Warning: AR, see below. An all together happy story which might squick some.  

Author’s Notes: A complete and total domestic sap story. Nothing happens. No angst, hardly any sex, and lots of family stuff. When Ian said he’d spend Christmas in LA my dirty little mind forced me to write this, though of course LA is a rather large place and I sincerely doubt they even said hello to each other. This is an AR story in the sense that I know very, very little about Elijah Wood’s family and have created a bunch of extended family members and even a nephew for him. It’s completely AU. So there. Of course, since I’m such a lazy, lazy person, I only got this done in time for Twelfth Day…  

Inspired by my entire family meeting up at my brother’s on Christmas Day. So yeah, mom, dad, nephew; I’m writing RPS inspired by you. And gee, those were long Author’s Notes. Being pretentious, am I ? Betad by Nefertiti which of course is great.  

For Elanor, who like me, is a total fucking sap. 

 

 

”They won’t hurt you.” Elijah squeezed Ian’s hand reassuringly as the other took another pull on the cigarette he’d lit after a year’s withdrawal. “They’re only my family.” Ian sighed and Elijah couldn’t help but laugh at his boyfriend’s miserable look. “Really, it will be all right. I’ve met your family, remember? And that went OK. Besides your sister’s grandchildren pulling at my earlobes and calling me Frodo, I mean.” 

“You are Frodo,” Ian said solemnly and Elijah laughed again.

“That I am. And this hobbit is very concerned about his wizard right now.” He leaned forward and kissed said wizard quickly under the nose. “Cheer up!” 

Ian smiled at him grimly and took a deep breath. “I’ll try,” 

“It’ll be all right. It’ll be fun! Good people, good food… We’ll dress the tree and have eggnog. Mom bought falafel for you. There might even be caroling!” Ian sighed and tried to pull his fingers lose but Elijah’s grip was strong and held him firmly in place.  

“But what if they hate me? I mean, I am considerably older than the rest of you. And I’m a man. A gay man. They’re bound to think me a sleazy old pervert who is taking advantage of their young, impressionable boy.”  

Elijah giggled. “If they know me half as well as I think they do they’ll more likely worry that I am a dirty letch taking advantage of a poor, impressionable man. Really, Ian,” he stroked the other man’s hand with his thumb. “They’re OK with that. They’ve known I’m bi for about forever and while mom had her hissyfit about me dating a man older than her she’s totally accepting of us now. I’ve told you that. Really, Ian, they will treat you well. Besides, it’s not as though you’ll be the only Significant Other there. Hannah’s got her boyfriend, you’ve met Zach’s Sophie and mom is bringing Mr. Pritchard. It’s a regular Christmas Bring-a-Date!”  

Ian’s face reluctantly burst into a smile to Elijah’s great relief. “And by the looks of it, we’ll be forced to change the family name soon.” Elijah muttered a ‘good riddance’ under his breath but quickly continued, determined not to let the ghost of his father taint another Christmas. “Do you think Elijah Pritchard would suit me?” 

Ian looked a bit more hopeful, if still somewhat sullen. “I think anything suits you, dear.”

Elijah couldn’t help but squeal in delight, “Aww… a big fucking sap that’s what you are.” He squeezed Ian’s fingers hard and was surprised by a warm wet kiss.  

“Happy Christmas, love.”

“Merry Christmas. Oh, and Ian?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think you’re ready to get out of the car now?”  

***

“Now does everyone have their glass?” Debbie looked anxiously around the assembled crowd and was met with an assenting murmur. “Good, I wish, well, Stephen and I,” she blushed, “wish you all a very warm welcome here. I hope you’ve all enjoyed the starter…” Elijah nodded as the dried figs stuffed with blue cheese on crackers had in fact been particularly tasty. “…and there’s more to come in that department.” 

“It didn’t use to be like this,” Elijah turned to whisper at Ian as Debbie continued to drone. “Not a formal event like this. Never a party, with guests. It used to be like, four people, having dinner. Now there’s what, twenty?” 

Ian winked at him. “More like eight, Elijah. Nine if you count the rug rat.”

“Hey!” Elijah gasped in exasperation.

“Pardon me, then.” 

“Mr. Pritchard sure is doing a grand ol’ job playing host.”

Ian poked him in the ribs and scoffed. “Are we a bit un-accepting, perhaps, hmm?”

Elijah twinkled. “Have to get even with mom now don’t I?”

***  

“Really, I don’t see what this fuss is all about.” Ian sighed as he grabbed hold of the other end of it. 

“It’s tradition!”

“For [us] it is, not for you. Not for Ame-ri-cans,” he said contemptuously.

“Well, mom wants you to feel at home. Now stop bitching and do as I say!”

Ian sighed again. “Yes sir.”

“Just pull on the fucking cracker.” 

The next second, a gush of unwrapped candy fell on their hands, covering them in sticky sugar.  

***  

“I made that one.” Elijah said proudly and pointed towards the worn out glass bauble hanging from a branch in the front. “When I was five. We all made one.” 

“Really,” Ian raised his eyebrows, “You must have been a hell of a craftsman to make it so round when you were only five.” 

Elijah gave him a surly look. “I painted it, OK, wise ass.”

Ian studied the colourful patterns of a five year old and nodded. “That you did.”

***  

He shared a plate of muffins with Sophie when the others went to mass at St. Clement. The strawberry blonde lawyer handed him his tea spoon with what he deemed was natural grace. “So Sir Ian, what’s your excuse for playing hooky?” Ian stirred his tea cup, deciding that he liked his sister-in-law. “I’m an atheist. What’s yours?” She laughed. “I’m Jewish.”  

The gingerbread muffin was indeed very tasty.

***  

He told Debbie one secret that shocked her.  

“You’ve never had turkey for Christmas? But didn’t… didn’t the pilgrims-”

“Well, certainly, many people at home do eat turkey. My parents simply weren’t too keen on it.” The falafel crunched between his teeth as he regarded the other food products on his plate.  

“What did you eat then?”

“Until the war ended? Whatever mum could get her hands on. Afterwards we always had goose.”  

The spring onions were quite all right, as was the stuffing. He couldn’t bear the sweet potatoes. The custom of mixing food with marshmallows was completely bizarre.

“But I thought Congregationalists didn’t carry shotguns?”

The cranberry sauce was melting on his tongue and Elijah’s foot rubbed against his calf.  

***  

“I don’t want to sing. Stop trying to make me!” The squirming twenty-year old covered her eyes with her fingers as her mother dragged her to the piano. “Come, dear, you’ve got the loveliest singing voice, we all want to hear it.”  

“But why should I have to? Why me?” 

The young New Yorker crossed the room and pulled her hands away, kissing her fingers as he did so. “Because no one here can sing as well as you can.”

Silent Night is remarkably beautiful when sung by a reluctant young lady in love. 

***

“’Wherever you may tread

You need to protect your hairy head,

Against water falling from the sky

And droppings of birds flying by 

To Elijah from Gramma.’  

Oh, Goood, what a lame rhyme.”  

Elijah gingerly took the package from his groaning brother and turned it over in his hands. “Wow, an umbrella… I really needed one of those. I’ll phone and thank her.”  

“What exactly is this, Elijah?”

He turned around. “Oh, it’s an all purpose remote, here, look. You can program all your appliances onto it. Your stereo, DVD, TV, whatever you want, and then you use this one remote to operate all of them.” 

He hardly had the time to react to Ian’s appalled look before he had to catch the Compact Disc-shaped package Hannah tossed to him.  

“Cheer up, bro. This isn’t an umbrella.” 

***  

Elijah contentedly gave Ian’s cock a last, thorough lick and sat back on his heals, burrowing his hands into his trouser pockets. “There, do you think you can relax now?” 

Ian combed his fingers through Elijah’s hair. “You make me fall apart every time,” he mumbled.  

 

”What did you say?”  

Ian pulled him up and kissed him reverently. “Oh, I said I’ve been relaxed all along.”  

 

***  

“Fondue? Chocolate fondue? For Christmas?”

“It’s called expanding your mind, young lady, and if you don’t want to you don’t have to. There’s some muffins left in the basket if you’d prefer those.”  

“But where’d you get them anyway? It’s not the right season.”

“This is California, you know, Ian... We don’t have seasons here.” 

Strawberry juice trickled into Elijah’s mouth as he licked off the chocolate and took a bite. “Mmm.“  

Sophie was holding Charlie still to keep him from sticking his chubby little fingers into the melted chocolate. Outside the front door a chorus of singing voices was growing stronger. 

“Oh that must be the Meyers from down the street.”  

***  

“What´s this?”

“It’s my gift to you. I didn’t give it to you back there because I wanted to wait until we were alone. It was my father’s. Do you like it?” 

“It’s… wonderful.” 

“You have to crank it up, here. See? No batteries. Not the most reliable time keeper in the world. But there you go. There’s an inscription underneath.” 

“Oh yeah… there it is. Ah. What’s it say? ’My past to my future.’ Aww… that’s really cute of you.” 

“Well, actually that was there already…My mum gave it to my dad.”

“Really? I wish my parents had been like that.” 

“If you don’t like it, that’s OK. I got you some other stuff too you know… Did you like the book?”

”Would you shut the fuck up? It’s perfect, just perfect.” 

***  

“I win! I win! Haha! You suckers!”  

“Congratulations, Sis, you’ve achieved Monopoly. Does it feel great? World domination and all that. Might want to call Bill Gates and teach him how it’s done, eh?” 

The eye that didn’t watch his siblings bicker saw his mother clutch Mr. Pritchard’s hand and take a deep breath. “Kids, kids. Let’s talk for a second.”  

There was only a faint noise as the dice he was holding fell down on the table. “I’m not changing my fucking name.”

But he was smiling. 

***

It was already dark outside as they pulled back the duvet on Elijah’s bed. “See, now that wasn’t so bad? I would’ve stayed in the house longer but they’re all gone to bed. You know, baby needs his sleep and all. I filched this though.” Elijah held out the glass bottle in triumph.  

“Come on! I know you’re not as tee total as you pretend to be, and it’s a Christmas tradition in our house. It’s punch. Hot and sweet, burns all the way through…”  

Ian looked at him impishly over the rim of his glasses. “Just a sip then.” 

Elijah poured two paper cups and they settled back on against the headboard.

“So, whatcha think… about the clan I mean?”

“That they’re mental. Every last one of them… But that’s all right. Sheds some light on why you’re the way you are.” 

“Cocksucker.”

“Not yet. But the night’s still young, Mr. Pritchard. Ouch!” 

Elijah lifted his left wrist up to the light. “Actually, according to my new friend here, it stopped being Christmas three minutes ago.”

Ian let out a feigned sigh of relief. “Thank God for that.”

“I thought you were an atheist?”

“Well, thank Eru Illuvatar then, clever clogs.” 

Elijah shrugged. “Well, in any case, Christmas is over. Let’s go to bed.”

“We are in bed. Ouch!”

“I mean, let’s get under the covers so I can start reading my new book.” 

Ian looked at him coyly as they disposed of the paper cups and crawled under the cover.

“I think you’ll like it. In fact, why don’t you read it aloud so I can hear as well?” 

“What? I’m not working here, you know. I’m off duty. It’s my down time.”

Ian poked Elijah in the stomach and settled to rest on one hip. “But you’ve such a lovely reading voice, dear, we all want to hear it.” 

Elijah giggled tiredly and arched into Ian’s touch. “Poor Hannah.” Adopting his most mellifluous Frodo lilt he opened the page and started to read. 

“Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small yellow sun…”