Is it just me or are some of you wondering if this kind of abuse has been going on in most families in some way? Well I'm pissed off about it and very concerned, I just die inside a little more each time I here on the news about Priests, Teachers, Fathers, Brothers and all kind of other creeps doing this to our kids today.
I was sexually abused when I was very young along with at least four other members of my family. It's only been in the last few years that I have been remembering (in horrible flashes) and let me tell you it makes me sick. Not only that I have to remember this about my own life and watch my family slowly fall apart, but that I keep seeing more and more of it being reported in the news etc.
I wrote the above on the 14th of May 1997 and the next night after coming home from work my brother was here with some shocking news. My father has taken his own life. He could not bare the shame or the thought of going to court and the pain it caused the family so he thought that gassing himself in the garage would save us! Its saved us nothing and has blown us all away and the family is a real mess.
I'm a real mess - my god is the damage this abuse does never ending? I laid my father to rest on May 19 1997 and I pray he found his peace and that the rest of us manage to do the same. Now is the time to heal- what a huge process this will be.
Please father forgive me. 21st May 1997.
I want to stop this sickness, I don't know how yet other than by getting informed and telling others about it. If you feel the same and have anything on this huge problem you would like to share I encourage you to Email me and maybe we might find some answers together.
Something I wrote while trying to deal with my feelings of anger and pain
- Feel My Fire
Ok it's now Thursday October 9th, 1997 and I have come back down to earth as you do! So much has been going on for me as I try to heal. I have heaps more to say about all this abuse shit... heaps more.
I have been working so hard to find a way to handle this and figure it all out. Having my father go and kill himself after I lost it with my mother and went to the police to report him is one of the hardest things I am having to deal with.
I was having such a hard time as it was coming to terms with the realization of my own abuse not just the abuse that happened between my sisters with two of my brothers and my father which I told my mum about years ago (I told her about one of my brothers doing it to my sister Laurel years ago but didn't understand about dad and my other brother then).
Years later after a conversation with an adopted sister I started remembering my own abuse and began having some real problems with it. I also had some very real problems with the family about the abuse and their ease at dismissing it. I wanted and demanded to be taken seriously wishing everyone would just pull their f***ing heads out of the sand and deal with this.
Shit I have been having to deal with this crap for years. But to me it seemed like some members in my family were too busy trying to run from the truth and hide it praying no more would come to light. By saying oh that all happened so long ago why can't you just leave it alone! What your doing is not helping the family its destroying it, and things like its all ok now its not happening anymore and I never leave your father alone with the children and I know he's not doing anything like that.
Well I am sorry but like bloody hell! You didn't know before and it was all happening right under your noses and please don't lie to me telling me you never leave the kids alone with him as you did all the dam time! In fact where are the twinns rite now? Oh their with their father being dropped off at school!
Ok so call ME crazy call ME mad, blame it on the drugs I have been taking and accuse ME of changing my story....."it's the drugs...he's mad!" Well go for it, it will never wash. All the while my mother was still spending her time protecting the man she loved (as we all did) Well what about your babies? Stand by your man? Be a good strong wife! My god mum what about your babies??? What about your babies!!!
So dam! I went to the police and told them the whole sordid story. I was with them for hours and hours going over it all again, can you imagine what that was like for me? This was after all my father too and I loved him. I felt like I once again had to step up to the mark and do what in my eyes my mother was failing to do even now with all the information she had.
And that was to PROTECT HER BABIES.
But then Dad went and killed himself -wow -that put everything into a complete tail spin and gave me something else to deal with as well. Like I didn't already have more than I wanted and it really messed with me big time!
But I am still here surviving and I am learning so much from this and have lots of things that I am planing on sharing with whoever can bare to read them. I am working on some pages that I plan on posting here soon. That's if I can ever get it to come out right! I am not sorry for how I feel and its too bad if it is going to make some people feel uncomfortable, it needs to be said and I need to get it out! Its not bad...it's in fact something very good - I hope that people see this for what it really is and me for who I am and all I that I am trying to do here in the middle of this crazy full-on life I have been given to learn with.
-----I LOVE MY MUM VERY MUCH------
Let there be no doubt, but I love my brothers and sisters too and I would walk over hot F***ing coals to protect them.
So watch this space.... Andrew has returned and he's stronger, brighter, bigger and better! (although this is all my own press!) Some how he even managed to discover some more love and even some compassion he didn't know he had.
I would also like to acknowledge my amazing sister Laurel. Her constant support understanding and perfectly clear insight during all this has been invaluable. She is one of the most beautiful people I know both inside and out. Laurel you are stronger than you know.
