mudlake

I often react to what I've just seen or discuss with my friends or on TV. I really needed
my own 'columns' so to speak, so the people I know don't think I'm intense when I'm
writing and I can just email them a nice "Hey, all is good in Gotham City, hope you are
equally jamming, cheers!, that's mainly why I started writing here.

I've been asked to write before, well a few zillion times, especially by my spiritual
advisers who are quite eager to get me out in the world to speak up. I'm not always
that ready to say anything. It's one thing to have private conversation between friends
and behind doors about what's going on in the world that I've seen, my 'visions' and
all that good stuff but it's another to just post it, knowing other people read it.

I always have that great visual of God being an amazing golf player, planting one
smashing birdy on me and throwing me straight up into a lake of mud for eternity
and somehow the visual gets me to think and meditate and consider the implications
of what I do and write here. Some doubts and inner conflicts simply can't be very
mediatised without confusing people who don't have all the infos on the problems
and I can't take the risks to explore some of my theory in public solely to avoid
a greater misinterpretation by trying to explain one and the final trip to the mud lake!

One of my everyday dilemma is trying to do God's Will and read in my life His tracks
so I can follow them. I know how blessed I am with my little voice talking to me
and telling me where to go and what to do and keeping me in check but I also know
the double edge to it. Foreseeing the future a piece at the time is like having the light
shedded on a tiny portion of a picture and thinking this is the whole picture while
the part you are seeing might be the exact opposite of the whole pictures when
it gets completely unravel and that's difficult to remember.

After being able to give the name of the person she will be with to my best friend
Sylvie and her talking about it around her, lots of people emailed me with questions.
People don't seem to understand that it was an extraodinary case and not something
that happens commonly and can be repeated at whim. I do have conversation
with my Maker but they are very very short, and even though I dream almost
every night about pieces of the future I don't hear voices giving me order on
a regular basis by far, even less names or they are in a very specific context.
I get some key dates, some key places to go to, some actions to take but it's
very very rare. It's not like me and God we sit down at night and chat up for
hours over coffee or something.

I really loved the reaction Sylvie's got the first time we met. My mom hyped
me up as a Saint who see Angels and all that good stuff so she was dying to
meet me. My mom didn't lie about me seeing Angels but being a Saint, she must
have had a heat stroke or something cuz when Sylvie walked into my house it
was hilarious. She literally came up to me, looked me up and down, pulling
her sunglassed down to the tip of her nose and said : "Yeah Right!!"

She totally amused me then. I was opposed to meet anyone, I even more opposed
to get out of the house at this point. At age 15, shortly after my conversion, I've
decided the world was too evil for me to go out and locked myself in the house!
I might be sexually perverted BUT I don't mean any harm to noone..
I stayed home for almost 3 years when Sylvie walked into my life.

I followed her outside in the yard to talk, I told her something like "Hey, I've
got to make you listen to a tune, I think you'll dig it!" I pulled Jeff Beck live
album with Jan Hammer and we listened to it together wihout much talking,
one our later we were best friends and 15 years later we still are.

I don't really make much effort to hide my shortcomings. I know I've stated
that I'm aiming to not be a cause of scandal and I probably could conceal my
scandalous tendencies so noone would know what truly is going on. Well, yeah
it's a nice alternative to my problem but it's not a solution, just a lie.

Not only I'm not about to pretend to be something I'm not to fool people but I'm
too self centered to worry about portraying a lie when the two people that matters
the most to me, myself and God know what's up. So I'm going to keep on reflecting
who I am and bring it to the outer world with all the inner fights, contradictions until
it all even out into some nice, sleek and smooth Holy personality, then I'll be 80 years
old so I'm sure by then, neither my clothing, sex life or anything like that will be
causing any shocking to anyone, well I hope!

It took me a while to understand certain of my problems getting along with Church
people. I'd walk in with some crazy Punk Rock make up on, vinyl pants and a
t-shirt reading "Shit Happens" and create a commotion. People would come up
to me "You are at Church! You can't do that!" and I would slam back with a
"WHY?? Do you think God doesn't know I own and wear those clothes??"

I just couldn't get it until one day it hits me in a different way. I realised that
I was a cause of distraction for people during their time of prayers by not
blending in and it's natural human behavior to stare at what stands out and it
was not some 'Don't do that because I said so'rule but a matter of courtesy
and respect to one another. From now on, I stopped and took in consideration
other people's needs. Like my mom used to say "Your Freedom must stop
where the one of another begins" which means pretty much
"Don't justify walking all over someone's freedom in the name of your own!"