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| too much free time in my hands and not a real good grasp of what true fear was. I'm not talking about missing a show, not running into Mr Right and saying the wrong thing. I'm talking about not eating, having a roof over my head, the true existencial every day worries animals goes thru. So I finally threw myself in the streets with a suitcase, no job and twenty bucks in my pocket thinking that I would figure out what to do on my way there. I moved to a friend's house. Busy� I was searching for something to make me happy, busy� I was holding up to all my material belongings like a shield, busy I was looking for the perfect shade of lipstick, I couldn't see I was losing what I was looking for outside, myself! So I went on that quest.... |
| The voice who told me to do this was right, I never missed food even though I did do my share of starving and asking for food to people, I was not in the horrendous situation I was when I was 19 who brought me to get rape to keep a roof over my head, however I did a great deal of crying and feeling alone and empty. And that's how I started the millenium, not knowing what to think, what to feel, noone was there to baby sit my every thoughts and organising it for me. So I did what people do when they feel alone at first, look outside to fill up the emptyness. I went out a lot, did a lot of partying, made my head spin, but it was very necessary for me to get exposed to a zillion different experiences and stop that guarded life. Everything was so new to me, it's like I never knew myself before that time on my own. I thought I like certain music but I only did cuz that's what cool people like, so I went back to listening what felt good and it was straight up funk, Motown stuff, the stuff that I used to listen to as a child. The radio was my best friend then and when I put on 94.7 the Wave I found my childhood in it. Then I went to see the Snakepit and the music they played at the Club before the show I knew without knowing� the name, I asked Pat Regan, it was Steely Dan... And everything was in the same line of wondering around to see what felt right or not. Food, movies, clothes, make up, hair, everything I've done and felt up to now came from an intellectual choice or a limitations. All dictated by the extreme needs to be part of a group and fear which all goes back to fear of being alone. |
| There is no questionning why I couldn't look into myself for answers cuz not only was I not myself but what I was supposed to be even less did I know from instinct how to provide for myself what would heal me and get around in life. Today, I occasionally ask opinions but my own is based on what feels right not what I think and other think is right. Another hard problem was my sexuallit since I am an erotomaniac with an addictive personallity and definitely weird fetishes and interests... If you dig a bit into why you think something is bad or something is okay you'll find some dum reasoning behind it. Like I like to watch and I like putting on a show, I don't think it's 'bad' unlike most people cuz my mom didn't create that concept in my mind one I was a kid by gronding me if I would check out people kissing. I don't think masturbation is wrong for the same reason and well I have zero rules of any kind when it comes to sex aside from the one my brother taught me when I became Catholic and that's a tough one for me! Not that I would want to bone everybody in sight, at all, I'm naturally not comfortable with having strangers inside of me but I certainly can't see anything wrong with playful sexual behaviors and I work hard, hard, hard at keeping it all in checkl! |
| That's another religious misconception that gest my blood boiling, that whole we are innocent if we don't do or know anything about sex. We are Saints if we don't sleep around. Who, tell me who came up with this lie??? It's not in the Gospel, not in the Bible, nowhere at all.... Now I'm not campaining for free love but there is none of this saying the matter of sex is the biggest sin of all and I have no idea why people put so much emphasis on it. It's the same old misconception they have with the original sin being having sex instead of being conceited and wanting to replace God by thinking we know better or can be better than Him at being God. It's a total� illusion to believe a life of chastity will get you straight to Heaven! Jesus kept company with prostitutes and to the big trauma of the Jewish religious leaders even said that they will walk in Heaven before them! So where, where do we get that concept that asexual is a must when it comes to Vertu? In fact, it's so wrong, even Saint Paul wrote a letter saying that even when we will be performing miracles, speaking in forreign tongues, being as pure as angels, we will have nothing waiting for us in Heaven unless we have the love for one another. There is no Law above loving God and loving one another. |
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