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| I certainly try to not make up my own code of morals, like the Pope said : ' Everything that's not forbidden is allowed,' I've asked many Priests, kissing is allowed and although it does induce into temptation, I can't stay without kissing people, I just can't, if there is something French can claim as being French, it'd be the French kiss. But yeah, I'm not THAT French either so go figure! Oh I get it, it's because it feels good! |
| I've been away from Hollywood for a while now, I can't say I miss it that much. I have not even been down to any 'rock clubs' in months. I know that scene like the back of my hand, all the groupie game, rock star chasing, going shopping, showing up at 1.45 am to see who's around, I've done it all. Hollywood groupies are very organised. They have cells and pagers and all the electronic gizmos to track down the boys they are after. They have list of top ones they want to get, it's all very well put together. I always had a great time playing games along with them, it has a certain 'being on a mission' feel to it. I even helped some of my buddies get in trouble by putting some naughty emails together for them. I've used many of the girls around to satisfy my own perversion and I even more hate to admit it but I don't even regret doing it, I regret having that streak in me but I don't regret acting it out. It's so hard to really get that true contrition of what you are guilty of. I guess it's a gift from God. I wish to be a better person. I have left the 'party' more often cuz I wanted to but a few times, the 'party' ended and I still miss it. |
| I'm hoping that since everything is in the intentions, the actions being only the visible part of the intentions so to speak, in that aspect, I do have great contrition for my short comings but the sin was well done in my mind way before it took place in actual, visible life. 99% of the time it will remain in my mind and I feel more guilty of this one sin than the one I've acted upon, perhaps because it feels so much more deeply rooted and nurtured. So, most of my sins are sins of the mind but it doesn't really help to shake the guilt and get a hold of them....How do I stop wanting?? I know I'm getting better at it. I have learnt to separate and break into certain tricks the human mind and the outer enemy trap us with. As I said above, the difference between brotherly, spiritual love and romantic love is in the wanting part. When I'm in love with an unsuitable person, I work at letting go of the wanting part, the love remains but once the wanting is gone so is the sting that tortures us and pushes us to do those silly actions to get a respond to what we feel in terms of sex, sorry to put it bluntly but that's what's it's about. |
| And that's what I fight w/everyday, not constantly but consistantly :the confusion. My realm for peace of mind! That bloody peace of mind that means true happyness, for me and for millions of soul searchers who walk this journey trying to get the sneaky little voices of what we want and our conscious and everybody inside of us happily argueing over who gets to control what to get along! |
| That's the part I don't wish anyone to go thru by living with me, my endless search for answers and the light, getting closer to the light. I have wrote poetry, travel the world, met with stigmatised Priest, went to Lourdes and San Damiano, met with soon to be Saints, Priests working with the Pope at the Vatican, I had Spiritual sons of Padre Pio for spiritual guides, one living at my house. My latest spiritual endeavor was about body/soul how nutrition make us more inclined and opened to evil spirits and bad energy. |
| I often feel like a mad scientist with all my readings, meditations, calling up visions, studying dreams, astrology, fastening, cleansing rituals. Living with me has lots of very high points. If you like supernuatural, you're in, you'll love it, I'll predict your future, you'll see me in some of my lowest low when it comes to spiritual agony and feeling like I'm about to be damned cuz I can't connect to God or you will see me drifting away into some weird visions and coming back to tell you what's going on, it's just quite intense I get. |
| Some of the people I've known and lived with have witnessed it. Sometimes it has been funny to me cuz they would dream something very spiritual where a Saint or the Virgin Mary will come visit them thru dreams to tell them something about the future, they'd wake up and tell me it's because I was in their house that they dreamt it to find themselved in the predict situation several years after the dream. As the Shaman has said to me a long time ago in my dreams : " Whatever you can conceive in your mind, you can make happen." |
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You can say it's not hurting anyone like killing would, but in certain primitive tribes killing and eating human flesh is a spiritual rite so why not adopt their beliefs then? Who picks what beliefs are barabaric or not? The sin is in the eyes of the beholder sometimes according to the set of rules he believes to be righteous. |