| "The Story!" Continually continued by Ulrike & Fritz -- Nonsense Narrators for THE "A" PAGES Updated July 31st, 2006 anno Domini. |
| This morning I was awakened from my slumber by a loud knock. By the time I had arrived at the door, all that was there was a Ziploc bag with urine in it with a note attached that read, "To you, the love of my life, I leave this prized possession of mine. Love, Ishli Penolopeencoshka." I said, "What the flowers in the world give you!" I had known Ishlie from back in Nam. She was the prettiest, little Mexican flower I'd ever seen in my entire life. I wondered why she was leaving me this golden prize that she favored most dearly. I went into my kitchen, and after putting on a pair of rubber gloves, returned to the porch to retrieve the specimen. (A man can't be too careful these days with all of the terrorist action. What if this supposed gift from the lovely Ishlie was really some sort of flesh-eating acid?!) I placed the bag of sunshine on the bottom shelf of my fridge-for-later to keep the freshness in. Reaching for a can of Slim-Fast, I was startled by a noise coming from one of the rooms down the hall...It was Ishlie. After seeing her I began to fill my own little bag of urine on the floor, without the bag. I said, "What tha' bajesus are you doing here?" She said, "I sent you the bag before I killed myself. Now that you have it, I'll be with you forever, baby." "Well, Ishlie," I said, "I don't like you like that. I thought we were clear on that." At that very moment, she disappeared, and the bag-o-urine began to glow. Then the doorbell rang. "I wonder who the flamingo flew in with this time!," I exclaimed. My pet flamingo, that I ever so carefully stole...um...borrowed from the local zoo, had some sort of mental problem. He was always bringing in strange hobos from the street. I wondered if he thought that I was lonely and was just trying to bring me company. Then again, maybe he just wanted to bring them home sort of like a doggy-bag, so he could eat the hobo's fleas as a midnight snack. Maybe a little bit of both. I'll probably never really know, since he can't talk very well...Anyway, so I walk over to the door and look out the peep-hole, and all I can see is a cute, pink beaked-face roach that Wigglecaca, my pet flamingo, brought home. Because I hate roaches so dearly, I immediately grabbed the shotgun from behind the door and killed them both. Grief stricken over the death of Wigglecaca, I rushed to the bathroom to superfluously and profusely defecate. After wiping the final remains of my overzealous diarrhea, I fainted. (I guess from dehydration.) When I woke up, I was surprised to see a familiar, charming, pink face all up in my Kool-Aid! "Wigglecaca!" I exclaimed, "It's you! I thought I un-thoughtfully and viciously murdered you! I'm so happy to see you!" Then he vanished! Perturbed, I scrambled to my feet, then, realizing that I never pulled my pants back up after defecating like some sort of deranged creature, I pulled my pants back up. I proceeded to search my home for Wigglecaca. I wondered if the Wigglecaca I had seen in the bathroom had been the spirit image of him. I had no idea why I had given such a stupid name to such a beautiful creature, and now, after the imbecilic incident at the door earlier, I wished I had given him a more appropriate name! A name like Pinky would have been a much more wonderful label than that of Wigglecaca! At that moment, I decided to change my beautiful bird's name to Pinky Shears! Then I remembered Pinky disappearing, and continued to search for him...or his ghost, as it would seem...After no success, I went to my room and cried for 3.25465548756457654875648946579649485 days. After crying, I fainted again (from dehydration, I assume). After waking, I realized I needed to get away, so I called up my travel agent and booked the first flight out to Little Chenier, Louisiana, where I was sure that great adventure awaited me. Just before the plane landed on a strip the locals like to call "Little Chenier Road", the plane was attacked by a humonsterous mosquito. It bit the plane, sucked the fuel out, and then exploded, sending us flying to the uttermost parts of... of... wherever the fragooglecaca we were. I was glad to safely land into the arms of one of the infamous Crain brothers. After catching me, I looked into his eyes and... was absolutely disgusted when he immediately spit in mine! He then promptly threw me in the Mermentau River. Realizing that I didn't know how to swim, I hastily grabbed onto a passing pelican, which was the only thing floating in the river at the time. Well, let me tell you! Franticly grabbing onto a swimming pelican was a very bad idea, but so was taking a plane out to Little Chenier! (How did my travel agent even get a flight out to Little Chenier, when there isn't any scheduled flight out here from any airport? The only aircraft allowed to land in Little Chenier are helicopters. I then came to the conclusion that my travel agent was actually a high-class drug dealer with no knowledge of legal air transport whatsoever! What kind of an idiot hires such a person? Apparently the idiot-side of me does!) After a great deal of squabbling with the fuming pelican, I finally made it to shore... After making in on shore, I pulled out my pistol and shot the idiotic pelican to death. Oh, what a good, warm and fuzzy feeling that came over me then! Now, confused and dazed, I don't know what the hellicalacaloco I'm doing in "Little Chenier" home of the {name omitted}. I began walking, trying to find the nearest location of civilization without running into the legendary {name omitted}. Legend has it that they knock you out and make you work their farm. I'm not a farmer... Hallelujah!!!!!!! I spotted this little brown house! I went running to see if one of the local folkals had a phone that I could use to get out of Hell Town...I mean Little Chenier. I knock on the door hard, hard, hard, for what seemed like hours. When the door was answered and opened, I took a lil' crap in me pantaloons because I saw a legendary beast that the legendary {name omitted} dubbed the Loup-Garou! Having never actually seen such a beast, I really didn't know if it really was the Loup-Garou. I had heard lots of stories from the locals about this man-slaughtering monster and had learned that ordinary bullets, like the only ones I was carrying, couldn't kill it. I wasn't about to stick around a while to ask questions about anymore of its biological attributes. Thinking I'd be safer hiding inside the house than running around outside trying to escape the beast, I grabbed onto it, pulled it out of the doorway, and thrust it off the porch in less than 1.593023453641 seconds! I then ran into the house, slammed the door behind me, and noticing no locks on the door, began to panic. I quickly turned around to search the house for a chair to wedge under the doorknob and was absolutely horrified to see that I had unknowingly intruded on what appeared to be the annual Loup-Garou family reunion...and did the defecation flow then. I mean all over the place. Brown, green, orange - all the colors of Fall. Thinking it was Fall, all the Loup-Garous fell into hibernation. Boy, was I a relieved son of the Living God! I then went and just stood in the road for three days. Wondering, waiting, watching. I didn't know what to do now. Then it dawned on me that I should go home. So, walking, trying to find my way home, I found a little boy walking, trying to find his "R". He was "R" less. Poor feller. So, I beat the hell out of him and took his money. Ahhhh! That felt great! Now, I'm on my way back home... and after thinking things through for a few hours, I felt sort of bad for the poor "R" less fellow, so I turned around and walked for a few more hours back to the spot where I had stolen the poor guys money and unnecessarily beat him... He was nowhere to be found. I searched the area...Turned over a few large rocks...Nothing. So, giving up on the search for the "R" less guy, I restarted on my way back home...Then...Out of literally nowhere, I suddenly heard what sounded like a fierce battle cry! I spun around to see the "R" less guy running towards me with a large machete! His entire body was covered in camouflage paint, which explained why I hadn't seen him earlier. He looked rather angry, so I turned tail and ran! Then I tripped over a large rock, which if I hadn't moved to look under earlier in search of the "R" less guy would not have been in my way. Oh well! Too bad for me! *BLAM* I fell face first onto another rock that I had thought about moving earlier, but hadn't. Funny how things work out sometimes...Anyway! I was immediately knocked unconscious. When I woke up, I was tied to what looked like a homemade rotisserie sort of contraption. "Oh poo!" I thought to myself! I looked up to see the "R" less guy walking towards me holding a flaming torch and sporting a psychotic grin. "Oh poo!" I thought to myself again! As my life began to flash before my eyes at a rate of 65.342264761642377 MPH, I began to cry. Just as the "R" less one was about to start the fire, I hung my head ready to face my demise, when I noticed a nice red "R" on the ground! I immediately yelled, "There's your "R"!!!!!!!!!!" He stopped, and began to weep bitterly. This weeping went on for 5 days, after which I was freed and on my merry way home yet again. It's funny how people put you in bad situations but you can write your way out! (lol) So on my journey home, my feet were very much in a hurtation mode, when guess who stops to give me a ride home... ISHLIE! She was steering a ghostly-transparent pumpkin-shaped coach pulled by a pair of ghostly-transparent horse forms. I stood there in awe as the ghostly-transparent coach door invitingly swung open. Not sure if the ghostly-transparent seat would hold my non-ghostly-transparent rear, I cautiously climbed into the coach. Taking a seat, I was relieved to find that it did indeed hold my non-ghostly-transparent rear. The coach door slammed shut! I heard Ishlie cackle what sounded like some sort of Voodoo chant, and then the ghostly-transparent horses galloped silently towards my house! ...At least I thought Ishlie was taking me home... To my great surprise, the ghostly-transparent pumpkin-shaped coach quickly arrived at... |
| * I, Ms. Ulrike dan Morris, would like all of you readers to know that I proofread everything Mr. Fritz writes to prevent his embarrassment due to grammatical and punctuation errors. Should I accidentally overlook an error, I offer you my sincerest apologies... |
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