mmsexb

The content of this section may be extremely offensive to some people.
Your opinions and preferences are your own. Mine at that stage of my life were what they were. Mine.
These writings are here because some of the people involved asked if the writings I did when I was with them were going to be included.
Another reason they are here is because I choose to reveal myself as I was at that time.
For those of you who cannot understand why I would do that, I suggest you read a book entitled, "If I Tell You Who I Am You May Not Like Who I Am, And It Is All That I Have" and please move to another section of this site.

One body, one soul, one passion,
Open you to me...and let me in.
Incompleteness completed
As you wrap yourself around me.

Our oneness delicious and warm.
Endless, timeless.
Making love, taking, giving love, sharing.
Being love.

With open arms....yet entwined.
Insatiable hungerings,
We devour each other in our joyfulness.
One body, one soul, one passion.

Open me to you and enter in.

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Letter to a Lover

Today I suddenly knew that I am truly alive
For I love you far more than I do myself,
and care more than I have ever cared for anyone
or anything, or likely ever will.

Until now I scorned all the childish prattle
of so-called love and pleasures.
Affairs of the body....the mind...
seemed vastly overrated to me,
and I spoke openly of my disbelief,
scoffing at the melodramatics of those around me

Yet from somewhere deep within,
I knew that they couldn�t all be wrong.
I had become a panicked, frigid machine
doing all the right things at all the right times...
making matters worse.
Watching others respond and react
to passions I could not understand.
Grasping desperately onto any sign of affection.
Seeking the love I had laughed at.
Praying, perhaps too hard, that sometime, somewhere,
I would find love and it would last.

I gave what I could....
my body to lovers....my heart to friends.
Never both.
I cared selfishly, as long as no demands were made
and I was not inconvenienced.
Holding the hand of one in pain...
the only true contact I could bear.
Hungering for something more.

I met you and was born.
Never had I been both friend and lover,
loving the soul, the mind, the body
of one blessed person above all else.
To want desperately with an insatiable hunger,
yet feel so safe, content and confident
within myself......
enough to want you to share my life,
to shield you from harm....
and to take you to places
where your soul can rejoice and run free with mine

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If I could no longer talk
I would speak to you with my eyes, my mind and my soul,
as I often do now
when words are not enough.

If I could no longer see
I would gaze on you with my hands,
and watch you with my memory,
for no detail have I missed.
You have left your imprint on all my senses.

If I could no longer walk
I would sit near you always, to watch and learn
to listen and to share.
to touch and to love.
My legs would not be missed.

If I could no longer live
I would be close to you in spirit,
to protect and guide
and to love you even more
as I wait anxiously to greet you once again.

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You can�t deny it any longer
As you walk away from yet another man
Remembering her sweet touch, so many years ago
And trying hard to understand
That you are not as they would have you be.
And you are afraid.

The emptiness you feel with men
Is filled by each new woman that you love
But with each painful parting
Despair and hopelessness kill the beauty within
Leaving a parched desert
Where once love and freedom grew.

You step back and view the �normal� world
Your friends have gone....you don�t belong.
You turn and view the bars and militants
And know you�re not a part of these
And in your isolation
The loneliness is more than you can bear.

What to do...where to go
Who to be
You can only wait....
Until there is some niche in the world
With your name on it

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To Anne

Why have you tried so hard to change me
Did you not love me once as I was?
I have changed what I can to please you
But I can only be what I truly am.
Is that not enough for you?

Love has changed.
We prey upon each other�s weaknesses and are intolerant.
It has become a sad thing
And we know that it can never again be what it once was.
So now....in order to survive...I must ask you to leave.

This I do with pain.
A part of my soul is gone
And remains with you forever.
But the void left by the parting
I shall fill with only joyous memories of you.

And I do not regret.

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Farewell

I don�t know is we will ever reach a time
When we can once again speak kindly and openly to each other,
Without anger and blame.

I cannot comprehend your need
To live in your past.

You spend all your days walking under your chosen cloud of doom,
Waiting for past patterns to reappear,
And in doing so, you project them into your future.

You proclaimed that no one cared
Until, in desperation, your friends turned away and ceased to care.

You told me, time and time again,
That my love for you would die,
Until I began to feel nothing.

You predicted that I would leave,
Again and again,
Until I had to leave.

You drove me away and laid the blame on me.

You say I made you a victim.
You are a victim...
Of yourself.
I know I am not blameless
But I felt I was a pawn
In some distorted script from your childhood.

Now, when we pass on the street
You turn your head and look the other way.
I only want you to know
That I hate it to be this way.

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For Leah

I saw you and in that instant knew you
as I have known you for centuries
I recognized your soul and fell in love.
You knew me too, didn�t you?

We had so little time to speak,
my beautiful woman.
And my heart poured out to you but faltered in the speaking
for I am sure that you belong to her.

God, how I would love to hold you.
We are so far apart and I know nothing
except that I love you and cant wait to see you again.

Will it be the same? Mere idle conversation?
How do you feel about me? I am longing, yet afraid to know.
I fantasize about you in the night and long for you in the day.

And when I see you, will we have time together?
And will you speak to me from your soul?
Your beautiful soul and beautiful body
drive me insane.
Let me touch you.
Touch me.
Please.

********************************************************************

If I could be anything in the world
I would be the air around you
lingering, unseen, always there
to cool you in the heat of anger
and gently soothe away your pain.
I would bring to you the scent of lilacs and hyacinth,
be closer to you than the clothing that you wear
and constantly caress your face, your body,
even as you sleep.

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The gentlest of love songs,
a dance of subtle erotica,
a poem of fire and beauty,
strength and softness,
these things you are to me....
and so much more.

My dear friend,
my old friend,
lovers once again
in a new life.

There is time for the growing,
the sharing
and loving,
for we are linked now
as we have been
eternally.

So rest awhile
like a caressing breeze,
there is no need for haste.

We�ll do it right this time.

********************************************************************

Sleep,
healing sleep,
escaping sleep,
overtake me for a time.
Sleep,
painless sleep,
wrap me in your arms
and when I wake,
let this dream be gone.
Nightmare reality,
burning, tearing,
be only a cruel dream....
and let me wake
to find all this has passed.
Let me find
that these tears are tears of joy.
Let me find
that love is no sadistic hoax.
Friend sleep,
take me into your soothing embrace,
and when I wake...
let the truth be gone.

********************************************************************

For once, my love,
look within
without fear,
without self-deceit.

Could it be possible
that somewhere
in some tiny, forgotten corner of your soul,
you could love me too.....
as I love?

Could you accept that....
allow it out of its prison to grow?
Could you risk that vulnerability
for once...for me?

And if you look within
and truly find
that love for me does not exist,
could you help me cut the cord
that binds me to you
and set me free?

********************************************************************

I observed you from the distance created by your barriers.
Transparent as glass; I saw through to the you within.
Insecure and self doubting,
Spontaneous eruptions of uncontrolled energy,
You played out your roles, script upon script.
And I waited outside your space
As I do with all wild things,
Patiently awaiting your eventual approach.

Cautiously, hesitantly,
You pulled away again, suspicious and unsure,
Angry with me for your unsurety.
But I had seen it all before, so still I waited,
Holding my own space,
Allowing you to observe me at your own leisure,
Making no sudden moves that might frighten.
And then.......

You stepped within my space, and the dance began.
Our vibrations touched....recognition, re-acquaintance.
Our minds touched, playfully blending.
Our bodies touched, allowing the dance to quicken
In exploration and untapped sexual expression
As we merge into gentle-wild tamings.

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Today....will she be the she-creature
in uncontrollable heat,
Insatiable...demanding assault
with her wild sexuality?

Or will she be the submissive woman-child
controlled by my hand and tongue,
Whimpers, sighs and groans
under my control...and yet controlling me?

My own passion mounts as I watch.
Woman�s beauty, woman�s body,
Woman�s scent
blinding my reason.

*********************************************************************

You say you love me..
differently.
This I must eventually accept.
there is no choice
But if you love me at all...
if you would make love with me..
I beg...
Do not make love with another,
then return to my bed,
to my body.
This one act
I cannot accept.
It cheapens me,
cheapens my love.
I cannot accept or condone
that you could care for me
and want me,
yet sleep with another.
So, if you must,
be merciful and set me free.
For I could never
bend my integrity
and my pride,
quite that far
and still retain my sanity.
If you love me at all....
If you care at all....
Do not ask this of me.

*********************************************************************

Lover�s scent
Woman-sex
Assaults my senses.

Soft, satin skin
Flushes pink
Beneath my touch.

Flooding wetness,
Late to appear
Yet hot and reaching.

Hungry, female longings,
My own wetness
Increasing as she writhes...
And moans.

Woman-sounds excite me.

*********************************************************************

Together, here, now,
all that matters.
But what of tomorrow..
and tomorrow?

Fear creeps in from time to time,
unwanted, conditional, possessive...
then goes again.

Will you stay forever and forever?
How can I hold you with open arms?
Teach me.

Yet if you must go,
you go with love.
And if you stay....
stay with love.

Stay.
Stay that I may learn to let you go.

*********************************************************************

Romantics call it unrequited love.
How curious that I,
Of all people,
Should experience anything so foolish
As unrequited love!
I would laugh from the absurdity of it all,
If I could only keep from crying.
Every molecule of my being feels torn.
Shredded by cruel hands.
Where is the panacea for this one?
Can someone tell me please?
Why can�t I switch off all emotion
As I have done in the past?
How could I have allowed so much vulnerability...
Where has my strength gone...
Why can I not call upon it now?
I stand...the fool....
Naked and open with my wounds.
Fuck growth!
Fuck experience!
Fuck love!
I�ve had enough!

So why doesn�t the pain go away?

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I should let her go, send her away.
Then, perhaps, the pain would subside.
I am weak....clinging to the hope,
And my body betrays my heart.
It weakens in her sight, to her touch.
She is mine....just for now.
How helpless I feel...in pain and confusion.
I would devote my life to her.
Such foolish, agonizing romanticism.
But she will not have me,
Except in passion...except just for now.
And moments from now....will she pull away again?
How long can I endure this masochism of the soul.
All the pain takes its toll, weakening and destroying.
How I hate the weakness.
How far can I bend my spirit before I break?
Why so cruel...life.
To send me one I love,
Who fears my love?

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Letter to a Deaf Woman

I never meant to hurt you.
But you came to me, as you knew,
in a time of great pain and insecurity.
I thought that it would work.
But the pain left behind by she who came before you
distorted my perceptions.
I did not want to be alone
and I took advantage of you.

As soon as it happened I knew it was wrong.
You had never learned that people need their own space.
You used your disability to take advantage
and I could not explain clearly, what was truly troubling me.

You came into my life like a whirlwind,
draining my energy, demanding constant attention
and all of my time.

You arrived at my school and my work,
were at my door constantly.
You wanted to dictate my life,
what I should wear, what I should eat, what I should do.

You gave me no time to rest, no space to breathe,
and I became angry and could not communicate clearly.
We re-hashed, and re-hashed what had gone wrong
until I just couldn�t go on anymore.

All I can say is that I am so sorry that it happened this way,
and that one day I hope we can both understand and forgive.

*********************************************************************

She doesn�t trust me
And the words I speak are false
Words of one I may have been before
Why do I act this way with her

This new friend I will lose
Before the friendship�s even formed
Because she does not trust me
And I am awkward and unnatural in the knowing

I cannot read her as I do the others
She will not open her mind to me
My powers are impotent with her
And I wanted so much to impress

*********************************************************************

I am learning
And Growing
And waiting

I make mistakes
And pick myself up
And the emptiness is not so lonely
When I remember
That she is out there

Whoever you are to be
I am here
Preparing

And we will have a life together
That will make
Everything that has gone before
Worth it

********************************************************************

There is no denying that we love each other,
That we understand each other.
Why were we so eager to become lovers
Before we learned the many differences between us?
The passion was wonderful
And our similarities allowed us a world that we could share,
For a time, comfortably together.
The differences gave us our worlds apart
And allowed us each a space of our own.
When did the differences become too many?
When did we first know
That we had to live apart?
I love you, dear friend.
We are friends now...aren�t we?
For the first time, for me,
There is no anger, guilt
Or misunderstanding.
Only love and friendship remains.
I thank you.
I have learned how to step away
Without clinging,
Without destroying,
And without pain.

*********************************************************************

It is late
the TV is playing in the background
and I�m lonely.
Are you out there somewhere
lonely too?

Do you think, as I do often
of how we�ll meet ..if we meet
and how we�ll be with each other
for the first time?

I don�t know where to go to find you.
The bars are out...those people aren�t my style
and on the street, how can we meet
when no one knows I�m gay?

Should I crop my hair and wear the clothes
that wouldn�t be me?
How can I know where to go and who to be
so that you will know me?

Do you spend nights in your room alone
because you�re afraid of risking the scene?
Do you send mental images to let me know
that you are searching for me

as I do every night to you?

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We are alone
The night wraps around us, blanketing
I sink into it�s dark embrace
And you.

Breath against mine
Flesh to flesh
The taste of wine upon your lips
I have come home.

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