Classic Lou Kelly Quotes

Lou Kelly always seemed to come out with the best one liners and sarcastic comments, so here's a selection of what she had to say for herself during her time at Wentworth.

If I have missed your favourite, please mail me.

To Ettie when Jenny Hartley enters the recroom: "Better watch your scone stone-age, here comes the granny-basher!"

Offering to play pool with May Collins after she's just bashed her and her arm is in a sling: "Hey blob, do you fancy a game or d'reckon you're snookered enough already?!"

"Now you tell fat guts from me, that if you're the heavy artillery, she's got real trouble!"

"That hurts like bloody buggery!"

"I'm not sucking up her bum like the rest of ya!"

Lurch is going on about spending the night with Steve the handy man, Lou grabs a pillowcase and replies "Here, stick this over your head and you might stand a chance"

After killing Eve Wilder: "Oh yeah, almost forgot, your mate Wilder just jumped to a conclusion, she hung herself."

After Julie has been bashed in Lou's riot, the handy man who Lurch fancies says "She need's to be x-rayed." Lou replies with "Well Lurch here reckons you're super man, do it yourself!"

Nikki to Lou: "I don't know what you lot are complaining about. Some of my mates would kill to have a place like this". Lou: "Some of mine have...".

Lou, moaning about the other inmates: "Tinpot saints all playing goody-goody".

"Sounds like one of Reynolds wanks to me". (????!)

Lou to Mervin: "You an alky?".

Lou’s name for Eve Wilder: "Blubberlips!"

Lou's answer to Cruickshank's trivia question "Who invented the TV?": "Kojak! Telly Savalas!!"

Potty Daphne Graham was talking to her plants and Lou says: "Is this a private party or can I join?"

Lou to Pixie: "Oh yeah, and rats spit ice cream!"

Lou shouting to Marlene about her boyfriend Matt Delaney: "Hey Miss Piggy, here comes Kermit."

Lou makes a return to Wentworth, with her arm bandaged up. Joan asks her how her hand is and Lou says: "I need all my fingers for answering you!"

Lou to Marlene: "I can't see the trough Warren, oink a bit louder!"

Lou to Judy Bryant: "Bite on that, tubs."

Julie:  "I've got to find a screw!", Lou:  (without looking up from the press) "You and me both."

The lorry driver's greeting when Lou hitchhiked:  "Well if it ain't Florence Nightingale!  What happened, d'you fall off the back of your ambulance?" to which she replied in her gentle tones "NAAAH, me caaaaaaaaar broke dahhhhhn, how far are ya goin'?"

Daphne is crying in her cell and Lou says to her in an effort to cheer her up:  "It's not dead, it's just a psycho ceramic! A crack-pot!" Daphne laughs for a few seconds and then the waterworks are in full flow.

Cass: "Oh shut up Lou, I'm sick of your rude cracks!", Lou: "Hey! Leave my private parts out of it!!"

Lou to Rabbit: "You think 'Sex Appeal' is a button day for prostitutes!"

Lou, to Anita (the nun): "She [the Freak]'s a dyke. All nuns are dykes - it's common knowledge".

Lou to Daphne, making fun of her problem with PMT: "And make one for me too. Ah, that's right, you don't have coffee at night - A.M. coffee and P.M.Tea!!"

Lou to Daphne: "Don't tilt your head sideways, Graham - the screws'll fall out!"

Jenny 'I didn't kill Nana' Hartley protesting her innocence: "I just heard the news- Steven Formby's been arrested for murdering Aunt Harriet. You know what this means?", Lou: "He helped you knock over your granny?!"

Lou, about Nora: "What's she going to do, talk me to death?" 

Lou to Mrs. Barry after she returns from her brain surgery: "Bonza wig-  expensive?"

During the Wentworth talent contest Willie's highly camp operatic performance sparked these Lou classics:  "She sounds like she's about to drop a calf," and "Bring on the dancing girls!"

Lou to Lexie from her hospital bed: "What's this I hear about that fat cow Jessie being your Mother?"

Lou is queuing for her breakfast and Rita asks where the grub is, to which she replies:  "Oh, in my left eyeball!"

When new inmate Nancy McCormack is inducted, Lou greets her with this corny classic: "The name's Lou Kelly, I run things 'round 'ere".

Governor Bob Moran meets the women and asks Lou her name, she seductively replies: "Kelly- you can call me Lou if ya like.."

Whenever Jessie Wyndham tried to confront Lou, she was always put down with classics such as: "Listen porky" or "Shut it Lard belly!"

The forensic doctor examines Lou's slit wrists and isn’t very gentle which prompts: "Ow careful it's sore!" She then comments "Gees what a pain in the bum he was- he gonna be around much?"

A sympathetic nurse tells Lou she should be feeling better after a cup of tea and a lie down but Lou says: "Well I'm not, I feel bloody awful!"

When Nancy asks Alice Jenkins a question Lou tells her: "S'no good asking dogface 'ere, she hasn’t got a brain!"

Lurch passes Lou whistling after their falling out and Lou says "Quite the little canary aren’t we Lurch- sing a nice song to the new top dog?

Lou's unique sense of logic is backed up by this beauty: "If I start a hunger strike and we all starve, I'm not gonna be too bloody popular am I?"

Lou fires the shotgun when holding the Jenkins hostage:  Sean-  "Don't worry Ma, Old Hugh'll be over to see what the shot was",  Lou:  "Oh yeah, well it'll be the last thing he does!"  

When Meg puts a list of new cell allocations up, Lou asks: "What is it- a list of floggings?!"

After her Jenkins ordeal, Lou tells Joan: "Tell Alice her Brother's a creep and so's her old lady!"

Lou demonstrated with the press what she will do to lagger Lexie: "See I hold her head in here then Whammo! Steamed brains!"

Lou's philosophy on life was summed up with: "I give nothin' to no one and expect nothin' back.

Jessie expresses concern about what Lou will do to Lexie and gets: "Keep it up lard belly and they'll be a double funeral!"

To dippy inmate Barbie Cox: "One squeak outta you birdbrain and it'll be a permanent bydie bye for you!"

To Bob Moran when she tips her dinner on the floor fearing it is poisoned: "I'm on a bloody diet!"

To Sister Hall: "Neat set up ya got here, you could even start up yer own drug trade".

To Moran when he asks where she gets her information from: "Maybe I found a note in me Wheeties!"

"Don't get 'em knotted!" 

To Lurch, who is crying: "Oh what 'appened? You wet the bed?!"

Mrs Jenkins asks Lou how she got her wrists slashed and if she was a trouble maker, to which Lou convincingly replies: "Oh not me, I hate violence- that's why they picked on me, cos I'm a pacifist!"

To Steve Ryan: "You ask a lotta bloody questions for someone who's paid to stick 'is 'ead in the dunny!"

Handyman Steve Ryan asks Lou if there's anything wrong after having her dinner tipped over her, she explains: "No, I always walk around like this- Pringle forgot to kill the food and it attacked me!"

Lou teases Julie Eggbert about her relationship with Steve: "Hey Egg brain, your boyfriend's kinky, he gets it off 'anging around toilets!"

Joan Ferguson asks Lou why her cell is a mess and Lou explains: "I'm a grubby little bugger aren't I?"

Lou, unimpressed with the women suggests to Lurch: "Come on, I'll give ya a game of cards, these loonies might be contagious!"

To Steve Ryan: "Either you get lost, or I start ripping me clothes off!"

To Rita: "Yes Miss Connors, no Miss Connors, three bags full of crap Miss Connors!"

Lou warns Nancy: "You wanna be careful talking to scum like that- pick ya nose and they'll lag to the screws!"

Meg enters the Rec room brandishing her new baton which prompts: "Reckon it matches yer jack boots!"

Testing Julie's capability for the role of top dog, Lou shouts in her ear: "OI!, Oh sorry darlin', it just slipped out".

On Reb's memory loss: "If they believed you anymore, they would have brought back the death penalty and hung you!"

Voting for abolishing Nora's council: "Hands up all those who reckon the council stinks".

Teasing Julie: "Hey Lurch, wonder which came first- the chicken or the eggbrain?!"

To Nora: "Oh rack off and cry in yer pretzels!"  

Lou complains when the SOB search team are brought in: "How 'bout it Slattery- who are the goons?" and "I've heard about those buggers, what'd they plant this time, dope or grog?"

On Nora's council: "Anyone got a sob story? Ma Flynn'll do a couple of days in the pound for ya". 

To Reb: "I'll be buggered if I know what to believe half the time!".

When attempting to run Eve wilder over with the skip: "I dunno why they let me loose with this thing, I just seem to get in every buggers way!"

On what to do with Reb: "Plug her into another power point or give her another razor blade".

To Eve: "Gotta do some running repairs on the face 'ave we?"

To Nora after she'd had a miscarriage: "See you've lost a bit of weight Flynn!"

To Bob Moran  after he orders a body search: "We're not giving you a cheap thrill!"

Lou asks Pat Slattery: "How 'bout letting me out for a leak, I'm busting!" to which she replies "When Mr Moran says so", Lou: "Well he better say so real soon cos it's gonna take him a week to air this dump!"

Jessie tells Lou to be quiet, as she needs her beauty sleep to which Lou retorts: "Oh rack off porky, you'll still be as ugly as ever!"  

After accidentally killing Sam Greenway, Lurch and Lou return to Myra's birthday party. Disgusted at the murder, Lurch says "I think I'm gonna be sick..." to which Lou replies "So, be sick, it's a party aint it?  

Alice moans when Lou treads on her foot on purpose in the diner queue, to which Lou remarks "Yer supposed to keep boats in the harbour!"

Lou: "I bet you'd be dead keen to find out what happened to your brother". Reb : "What do you mean?" Lou: "Dead Kean", get it?"

Lou : "Anyone who doesn't pay me a dollar will suffer a nasty accident". Jenny Hartley : "But I haven't got a penny to my name". Lou : "Well you'd better change your name then cos I don't give credit!"

Alice : "Don't think Flynn would like the sound of that" Lou : "She's Nora Flynn, not Errol Flynn!!"

Lou's views on dippy Pixie Mason: "Open up her head and you've got chook food for a week!"

Lou, drooling on hearing there are men in the Prison: "I hope one of them's a stud!!"

Lou describing Nora: "Weak as water and half as salty".

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