Full Name: Thomas Alexander Chapman
Birth Date: June 12, 1989
Food: Don't eat
Favorite Bands: Radiohead, Nirvana, Muse, Smashing Pumpkins, Cake, =w=
Influences: Matthew Bellamy, Kurt Cobain, Johnny Greenwood, Rivers Cuomo, Billy Corgan
Hardware: Fender Jag-Stang, Fender/Squire Strat, Crate 30 watt amp with foot pedal, and Boss Grunge distortion box
Quote: "Good music is good music, everything else can go to hell."
By J.K. Rowling
Courtesy of Happyton Pictures Inc.
"I don't believe in Caulfield, I just believe in myself."
We start our story in 18th Century London, as the ship, "Figs Bow" leaves the docks and starts for the new world, and with it comes a new life. Among the people on the ship is a man named Norm Welshbury. This, in fact, has nothing to do with Thom. Forgive my bluntness, and we shall start anew.
Thomas Alexander Chapman comes from a line of descent from the great John Chapman- Johnny Appleseed to the lame person. I'm sure some people might find this intresting, but I do not. So I shall start anew. Again.
Thomas Alexander Chapman a.k.a. Tommy Gun, is a sturdy young man of about 6" in height, hes long, golden, beautiful hair, a gorgeous nose, and dazzling cheeks... Yes, but I'm sure that you, the reader, is wondering about his life.
Well, it all started on June 12, 1989, as the snow flies on a cold and grey Chicago mornin' another little baby child was born in the ghetto. And his mama cried. So she dumped him off at a Cubs' game where a man with a goat found him. This man was refused entry to the game and he cursed the Cubs (for more information on the Curse of the Billy Goat, visit www.goatcurse.com), and then found young Thom by the road.
Now it is said that a person can live off of a goat. And that is exactly what young Thom did. The man who took him in, whose name was Larry, lived on the rooftop of a tatoo parlor with his goat, Sharee. But Sharee was a magical goat, and when Thom drank her milk, he gained extrodinary, though utterly useless, powers. He gained the ability to sit on a bycicle, for long periods of time without getting testicular cancer and the ability to twirl a baton. Why he would ever want to twirl a baton is beyond me.
In the summer of '92, Larry, Sharee, and little Thom went to a St. Louis Cardinals game (where they let goats into the stadium). Yet during the seventh inning stretch, a foul ball was hit and struck Larry in the head and he exploded and died. So Thom rode Sharee to a small state that few people know about called "Oklahoma." It was here that terror ruled the land. It was here that raging buffalo went from town to town destroying all in their path. So Thom, even though he was three at the time, threw Sharee, the magical-milk goat, at the buffalo and she exploded and they got scaared and ran away.
It was then that a Caroline Chapman found him. She gave him candy and drugged him and broguht him to her father's Indian tee-pee. There, Caroline's parents, Gene and Kate, brought him up and taught him the ways of the world.
Then Gene pursued his GaBar career by moving to Georgia with his new family and entering the GaBar. To this day he continues to work at GaBar and is a connoisuer of fancy-schmancy wines. He likes to drink them, too...On the back porch of the Woolard residence....With Mr. Woolard. Anyway.
Yeah, so they lived in Marietta... blah blah...Thom started school at A.L. Burress Elementary where he found he had a knack for drawing and everyone would ask him to draw pictures of what seems now like really stupid stuff. You know, squares and noses and stuff. Sadly, Gene and Kate got a divorce and Kate remarried to a gentleman named Trent.
Yeah. So Thom continued to live with his father and draw pictures. A stormy day in after school, Thom sat in a dark room in the library, when a young man of his age walks in. Yes, this young man was none other than Evan Woolard, who was carrying his Star Wars books in hand, when Thomas offered to draw an AT-AT Walker. Since then, Thom and Evan have been Comrades. Otherwise he wouldn't be wasting his time writing in this and talking about himself in the third person.
Thom continued to live and breathe his way through middle school, where he then met many more people, which normally happens. While in middle school, Thomas met Colson Holt. Little Colson...yeah, so they're friends now. And then seventh grade came. Thom started guitar with lessons from guitarist Harry "Mo" Lester. Then 8th grade. Thom meets a kid, who at the time Thom thought was special ed, but it turns out it was just Bryan Higginbotham. Byran and Evan elected young Thom to be apart of Happyton Pictures Inc, but Thom wishes to remain behind the camera. So you don't see him. Sorry girls.
Then 9th grade. The only thing that I would like to comment about on that year would be that Thom was one of the many members of the French Resistance, and still holds to this day the record most detentions received from Madame Locke for truly crap reasons. And thus he earned the respect of his fellow Resistance members.
Soon afterwards he joined Caulfield as one of the guitaristststs. And *voila* they have a band. Thom hopes to one day become a famous conquistador. So today, Thom Chapman lives amongst you, a decaying organism of the earth.
-Evan "The Great" Woolard