The pondering of a mind forever slipping . . .

Last Updated 4/21/97

"Just what is all of this about?" you might ask. Well in a world filled with mass media and sensationalistic journalism it is difficult to separate the factual from the fictions, the real from the fallacy and the truth from the hype. Well I am going to do my part to contribute to the mayhem, with yet even more for the information maelstrom. Most of the material here is from the the depths of my own mind, other info I have confiscated from common knowledge, or even lifted from known sources. If at all possible, I have tried to give credit, but unfortunately some sources may go unrecognized. That is life.

Coming soon; Stories by Dave (proven to cure insomnia), my resume, rumors about intelligent life, and our first sponsor, Squid Cakes.

Dave's Laws & Rules

Here are some of the general rules which I try to live by. But like all laws, they are sometimes broken.

1st - Don't get your meat where you get your bread.

Basically, I believe it is BAD idea to date people where you work. Some people are willing to rationalize it, or make lame excuses. It is just not a good idea. I am not talking about the same company, just the same workplace. Trust me, I have done this, and although I have had some success, it is still not a good idea.

2nd - Never lie to a woman.

You know, there are some basic differences between men and women, and they can smell a lie. If you do lie about something, and when they find out, not only will you be in trouble for what you lied about, but your hide is in really deep because you lied to them. Remember it is better to get slapped today then divorced tomorrow.

3rd - The person we lie to the most is in the mirror.

It is amazing how a person can rationalize something it the other alternative proves to be undesirable. You almost always know the when we are doing something we should not, but it is very easy to convince one self that it is justified. This can happen about almost anything, like doing your laundry because you feel guilty about putting off your homework.

Super Dave's Dictionary

Well, here in Dave's World, some familiar terms may take on new meaning, or more often the case, their real meaning can be finally appreciated. Huh? What I am trying to say is that here are some of MY definitions for phrases or words which are used every day.

Professional Tech Support

Means you have to pay to be on hold

Answering Machine (or Service)

What you use when you don't.

Customer Service

The people who have to deal with you when you have not been getting any(service).

Dating Service

Service for those who can't get any (dates that is).

Minimum System Requirements

The absolute lowest piece of crap which will attempt to load a bloated program.

Kind of like a slug race on ice. e.g. Win 95, 386 w/4MB

Oxymoron

Someone who thinks you have to eat Clearasil.

Trapper John

An outhouse built on quicksand

User Friendly

If someone is still friends with you after you recommend it to them.

Girlfriend

Someone you are sleeping with.

Wife

Someone you are not.

Hooker

Someone you don't have to talk to before or after.

Whore

Someone you don't want to talk to anybody else after.

Personal Phrases in Super Dave's World

Here are some common sayings often heard in my peer groups. Some may be common, but many may not. If you have any similar, drop me a line.

"Inconceivable!"

From the Princess Bride, used whenever something unexpected, yet predictable occurs.

"You keep using that word, I don't think it means what you think it means?"

When someone says something repeatedly which may not be accurate. Sometimes used in response to "Inconceivable"(see above). Also from the Princess Bride.

"Number 7"

Used to represent something which seems to occur again and again. From a trip to Taco Cabana where they seemed to call the same number about thirty times.

"What, is your name?"

Usually used for no apparent reason, just for humor. From a scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

"Huge Sharp Pointy Teeth!" or "It tis the rabbit!"

Commonly used when trying to emphasize that something is more serious than it seems. From MPHG(Monty Python and the Holy Grail).

"Do you want the truth, or something that sounds nice?"

One of my personal creations, I usually use this when someone asks a question which could have negative connotations for the asker. e.g. - Does this dress look ok?

"Do you want the truth, or something that makes me sound smart?"

Another of my personal replies to a question. Usually used when I fix a computer problem and did not really do anything, or have any clue.

"But you really Need this."

Used when we want to make an example of someone trying to convince you to buy something you may not want/be able to afford. e.g. - But honey we Need a new couch, this one does not match the carpet. From my paintball team captain, Jay , whenever he wanted us to buy more expensive junk for tournament play.

"Has he got a monkey in there?"

Used whenever someone seems to be very ignorant of their surroundings. Originated from when, while at a Subway restaurant, Neil yelled into the restroom at one of our friends "Stop spanking your monkey in there!". A woman at a nearby table exclaimed to her husband "Has he got a monkey in there?"

Super Dave's Nerd/Geek FAQ

Many people may casually throw the term 'Nerd' and 'Geek' freely about, and to most they are interchangeable. Not so in Dave's World. There is a distinction, albeit sometimes a small one, between the Geek and the Nerd. I have come up with a few tell tale signs which can be used to make that crucial determination. Of course, I also have my favorite test; What is the difference between an Nerd and a Geek? A Geek has no clue he is one.

You know you are a nerd when;

You know you are a Geek when;

Super Dave's Stupid People Tricks

Sometimes the ability for adult human beings to completely display a lack of any sort of common sense just mystifies me. Apparently some people just don't have the ability to think. Here are a few examples of where I think that if the individuals in question were allowed to breed, evolution would be set back several million years.

Moronic Questions

On of my friends heard the following questions asked; "Do these stairs go up?" and then even better "Is that real water?"

Uh, are you blind and stupid?

I read something about a person being hit by a train while fishing on a bridge. It just completely amazes me that someone could be hit by a train.

Flat Earthers?

Did you know that there is a real group, who believes that the Earth is really flat. They think it is shaped like a disk, with the North pole in the center, and that NASA etc. is all a hoax. I really hope these people never breed.

You have got to be kidding me dept.

Did you hear about the guy who got sexual thrills by sticking a bicycle pump where a bicycle pump should not be. After the bicycle pump he moved up to a foot pump. He eventually tried the air compressor at the gas station. The doctor said it was very traumatic for the onlookers, and the police were not sure they found all the pieces.

There is one born every min.

On a recent radio talk show, a caller stated that she thought the Defense attorney in a now famous trial was trying to find the truth. When the talk show host asked here whether the lawyer was after the truth or just defending the man who was paying him huge sums of money, she replied. "Oh, I think he is after the truth,"

Uh, hello, uh, have you missed out on reality for the last million years.

About the time America was in the Dinosaur Craze, right after Jurassic Park came out I heard about the following gem; There was a traveling museum exhibit called "Dinosaurs Live!". It featured very realistic looking animatronic(i.e. robotic) dino models and real looking habitats etc. Well, a lot of people were wanting refunds because they thought they were REAL LIVE DINOSAURS. I have a feeling that this is some of the same group who believes in canals on Mars

Aren't we supposed to be smarter than our pets . . . ?

A lady went to the pet store for a mouse to feed her Boa constrictor, they were out. The guy said he had some frozen mice and the snake might eat them after they thaw out(some snakes will not eat dead food if used to live food). The lady asked how long would she have to thaw the mouse before it came back to life.

And you're having children?

A friend of mine in the medical field told me this one. One new mother was asked the question "What are you going to name your new little girl?" She replied "The doctor already named her, Phemali.". The nurse asked "What, how do you spell that?" The new mother replied "F E M A L E". I rest my case.

And Justice for all????

Check this out. Last summer in Thailand a worker on a coconut plantation was killed. The suspect in custody was a monkey. Yeah, that's right, a monkey. This particular plantation trained monkeys were used for harvesting stuff in trees. Well it turned out that as the trainer was walking in the grove, the monkey dropped a coconut on his head (4lb from 40 ft. ouch!). He was killed instantly. Witnesses say they saw the monkey watch the trainer approach, then look around, take a coconut and hurl it down at the trainer. The monkey supposedly then celebrated. Yes, the monkey was arrested. In the monkey's defense, it was stated that the trainer was cruel to the animals and used to beat them. I don't know if it went to court. Sounds like bad karma to me.

Other Inspiring Material

Here are some tidbits I have collected. Not my material, but hey it is on MY page.

Murphy's Laws

1. If anything can go wrong, it will.
2. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.
3. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
6. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
7. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
8. Mother nature is a bitch.

Misc. Quotes and sayings

If you think you have a problem . . .

Doah, that smarts.

Guy walks into the Emergency room. He has caught a part of his anatomy in his zipper after using the rest room. Needless to say, this is not a pleasant thing. In fact it would not be a very pretty thing either. Well, they had to numb this guy and then use force to unzip the zipper. This is possibly the best inspiration I can think of for the button fly.

I have said it before and will say it again . . .

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