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"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?", comes the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball
about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
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A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year". The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
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This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
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A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
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Playing Mommy And Daddy
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother
enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You
can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go
outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?" "I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if
you're taking a nap." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
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