reads

~*~Reads~*~

home

Birth of a candy bar

Unanswered questions

To realize

Hallmark no-nos

i love u in 100 languages

Cool stats

10 commandments for teens

best thing about girls

What guys really mean

Best friends vs. friends

50 facts about guys

The Night before Christmas (Texas Style)

Life Explained

RedNeck Christmas

What you learn in college

If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee? 
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Why do bullies always ask "what�s your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it? 
Do stairs go up or down? 
When people say, "I�m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place? 
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change 
their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? 
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble? 
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room? 
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse? 
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable? 
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures�?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl�s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go �back and forth� to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?

One payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor, so he took Miss Hershey to the Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her some Twix. He began to feel her Mounds, which gave her pure Almond Joy and made her Tootsie Roll which, of course, made her want to Eat More. When he saw her Cherry Blossom, he gasped, "Sweet Marie, this is Wunderbar." She let out a Snicker and felt like she was flying around Mars, as he slid his Butterfinger up her Kit Kat which caused a Milky Way. She screamed out, "Oh, Henry!" as she grasped his Big Turk and squeezed his M & M's. Then she said, giving him a Hershey's kiss, "You're even better than the Three Musketeers", to which he replied, "Hey, My Little Peanut Butter Cup, when you're this good, they call you Mr. Big." Looking at the clock, he noticed it was After Eight, so he, not wanting to get caught in the Crispy Crunch of traffic, got dressed and went home, feeling as cool as a Klondike. But to his dismay, the little lady soon became Chunky and nine months later, gave birth to a Baby Ruth.

To realize 
The value of a sister 
Ask someone 
Who doesn't have one.

To realize 
The value of ten years: 
Ask a newly 
Divorced couple.

To realize 
The value of four years: 
Ask a graduate.

To realize 
The value of one year: 
Ask a student who 
Has failed a final exam.

To realize 
The value of nine months: 
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize 
The value of one month: 
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize 
The value of one week: 
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize 
The value of one hour: 
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize 
The value of one minute: 
Ask a person 
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize 
The value of one-second: 
Ask a person 
Who has survived an accident.

To realize 
The value of one millisecond: 
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize the value of a friend: 
Lose one.

Time waits For no one. 
Treasure every moment you have. 
You will treasure it even more when 
you can share it with someone special.

1. So your daughter's a hooker, 
And it spoiled your day. 
Look at the bright side, 
It's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. 
I thought it was flat. 
When I looked at the tire. 
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed 
And you're on the mend. 
Here's a bouquet of flowers, 
And a box of Depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy! 
Hope you feel zippy! 
Cause when I had mine 
I got real snippy.

5. Heard your wife left you. 
How upset you must be. 
But don't fret about it, 
She moved in with me

6. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, 
I can't help but wonder: 
What the HELL was I thinking?"

7. "Congratulations on your wedding day! 
Too bad no one likes your wife."

8. "How could people as beautiful as you two have such an ugly baby?"

9. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. 
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

10. "I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. 
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

11. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am 
That you're not here to ruin it for me."

12. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, 
I hope it's your sister."

13. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. 
Like the need for therapy..."

14. "Thanks for being a part of my life 
... I never knew what evil was before this!"

15. "Congratulations on your promotion. 
Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? 
You'll probably need it again."

16. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

17. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

18. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. 
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

19. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. 
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

20. "We have been friends for a very long time, 
Let's say we call it quits."

21. "I'm so miserable without you 
It's almost like you're still here."

22. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. 
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

23. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship 
And there was only one life jacket 
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

24. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday 
So we're having you put to sleep."

25. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in West Virginia)

English - I love you 
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief 
Albanian - Te dua 
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male) 
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female) 
Armenian - Yes kez sirumen 
Bambara - M'bi fe 
Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo aashi 
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu 
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo 
Bulgarian - Obicham te 
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah 
Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a 
Catalan - T'estimo 
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse 
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda 
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male) 
Creol - Mi aime jou 
Croatian - Volim te 
Czech - Miluji te 
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig 
Dutch - Ik hou van jou 
Esperanto - Mi amas vin 
Estonian - Ma armastan sind 
Ethiopian - Afgreki' 
Faroese - Eg elski teg 
Farsi - Doset daram 
Filipino - Mahal kita 
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua 
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore 
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort 
Georgian - Mikvarhar 
German - Ich liebe dich 
Greek - S'agapo 
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo 
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw 
Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi 
Hebrew - Ani ohev otah (to female) 
Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha (to male) 
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw 
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae 
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj 
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta 
Hungarian - Szeretlek 
Icelandic - Eg elska tig 
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw 
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu 
Inuit - Negligevapse 
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat 
Italian - Ti amo 
Japanese - Aishiteru 
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene 
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka 
Kiswahili - Nakupenda 
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho 
Korean - Sarang Heyo 
Latin - Te amo 
Latvian - Es tevi miilu 
Lebanese - Bahibak 
Lithuanian - Tave myliu 
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu 
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu 
Mandarin Chinese - Wo ai ni 
Marathi - Me tula prem karto 
Mohawk - Kanbhik 
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik 
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki 
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni 
Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg 
Pandacan - Syota na kita!! 
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka 
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo 
Persian - Doo-set daaram 
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay 
Polish - Kocham Ciebie 
Portuguese - Eu te amo 
Romanian - Te ubesk 
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu 
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort 
Serbian - Volim te 
Setswana - Ke a go rata 
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing'I Love You') 
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan 
Sioux - Techihhila 
Slovak - Lu`bim ta 
Slovenian - Ljubim te 
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo 
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe 
Swedish - Jag alskar dig 
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di 
Tagalog - Mahal kita 
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li 
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe 
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen 
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu 
Thai - Chan rak khun (to male) 
Thai - Phom rak khun (to female) 
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum 
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu 
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo 
Vietnamese - Anh ye^u em (to female) 
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh (to male) 
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu 
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh 
Yoruba - Mo ni fe

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

67.5% of men wear tightie whities

The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B .

85% of women wear the wrong bra size.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

62% of us pop our zits.

33% of women lie about their weight.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

29% of us are virgins when we marry.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.

5% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

23.5% admit they don't always flush.

45.2% pee in the shower.

44.9% pee in the ocean.

28.1% pee in the pool.

39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.

81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we're average-looking.

28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

1.We can wear guys clothes. If they wear ours, they get funny looks 
2.Our friends dont say hello to us by punching us on the arm. 
3.Yea- PMS sucks,; But at least we have a good excuse to chow down on chocolate for a week. 
4.If we're on a really big ship that happens to hit an iceberg, we'll probably get first dibs on a lifeboat 
5.We get the bigger apartment on Friends. 
6. Girl talk.You know, how we just understand each other without having to explain stuff. 
7.We never have to stand at a urinal and have other girls stare at us< 
8.Dark circles under the eyes? We can just cover them up with a little concealer. ( howdo guys live without that stuff?) 
9.We dont have to shave our faces. (ouch that must hurt) 
10.We can jump around a lot and shake our hair and it looks like we know how to dance. 
11.Matt,Ward,Sean,Chris, pat, Shawn, JJ, John, Adam, Kris. Need i explain this one? hahhaha 
12.We get yummy chocolates and flowers from guys!! 
13.We dont have to dowse our food in Tabasco sauce just to look tough...lol 
14.That whole circumcision thing! 
15.When we get married; we get to keep our own name or choose one that we like even better. 
16.We dont have to deal with sideburns. Whats up with those anyway? 
17.At least one girl always survives in horror flicks. 
18.We never have to wear tighty-whities (or jock straps!) 
19.Even if we are ugly we have make-up to fix it! 
20.We can take stuffed animals to bed no matter how old we are. 
21.We dont have to wear tuxedos to the prom. 
22.Nose hair, ear hair, back hair- so not a problem for us. 
23.SLUMBER PARTIES! Guys just dont know how much fun those are. 
24.We dont have to worry about getting hurt, um, down there. 
25.That special bond we have with our moms-some day. 
26.We dont feel the need to slap our teammates butt when she makes a good play. 
27.Nobody makes fun of us for liking BSB or N'sync Well almost nobody. 
28.Pick up lines. They're not something we need to practice. 
29.We can get away with wearing platform shoes without looking goofy. 
30.We give really really good advice. 
31.On t.v. shows we're always the ones that have coolest supernatural powers. 
32.Dollhouse, Delia's, XOXO, Wet Seal,Deb,Rave,Charlotte Russe 
33.We can put cotton balls between our toes, paint our nails, and not feel the least bit silly. 
34.Daria and Lisa Simpson are girls.

35.Bevis and Butt-Head arent funny. 
36.The coolest, sweetest songs and poems have been writen about you. 
37.We dont have to sit on our wallets.

38.And our wallets have a place for change. 
39.Its entirely possible that we will marry Ben Affleck some day. 
40.Our lives do not revolve around ESPN Sports Center. 
41.We can wear dresses without getting really weird looks from people. 
42.Its not required that we learn how to spit when we are young. 
43.We are called tomboys, Boys are called girlie. 
44.Britney, Eve, Kathrine, Buffy, Josie and the Pussycats, Gwen. 
45.We have nicer handwriting than guys. Well its true. 46.Our magazines have Horoscopes. 
47.We dont have to stuff boxers in our jeans.(How can that be comfortable?) 
48.Female pro athletes arent overpaid egomaniacs.(yet) 
49.Girls with guy first names (like Joey) sounds cool but guys named Amanda arent much of a turn on. 
50.We look great in tank tops. ( Hint Hint to any guy reading this)

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas 
In Texas, you know,
Way out on the prairie,
Without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin
Were Buddy and Sue,
A'dreamin' of Christmas,
Like me and you.
Not stockings, but boots
At the foot of their bed,
For this was in Texas,
What more need be said.
When all of a sudden
From out the still night,
There came such a ruckus
It gave me a fright.
And I saw 'cross the prairie
Like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard
Come out at a run.
The driver was gleein'
And hawin' with will,
And horses, not reindeer,
He drove with such skill.
C'mon, Buck and Poncho,
And Prince to the right,
There'll be plenty travelin'
For y'all tonight.
The driver, in Levis
And a shirt that was red,
Had a 10-gallon Stetson
On top of his head.
As he stepped from his buckboard
He was really a sight,
A beard and a moustache
So curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin,
The children awoke,
And were both so astonished
That neither one spoke.
He filled up their boots
With such presents galore
That neither could think
Of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered
The use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper,
'Are you Santa Claus?'
'Am I the real Santa?
Well, what do you think?'
And he smiled as he gave
A mysterious wink.
Then he leapt in the buckboard
And said in his drawl,
'To the children of Texas,
Merry Christmas, y'all!'

1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.
2. Guys love flirts.
3. A guy can like you for a minute, and then forget you afterwards.
4. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is. 
5. "Are you doing something?" or "Have you eaten already?" are the first usual questions a guy asks on the phone just to get out from stammering. 
6. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about. 
7. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics. 
8. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile. 
9. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention. 
10. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend. 
11. When guys want to meet your parents. Let them. 
12. Guys want to tell you many things but they can't. And they sure have one habit to gain courage and spirit to tell you many things and it is drinking! 
13. Guys cry!! 
14. Don't provoke the guy to heat up. Believe me. He will. 
15. Guys can never dream and hope too much. 
16. Guys usually try hard to get the girl who has dumped them, and this makes it harder for them to accept their defeat. 
17. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back. 
18. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...never mind!" would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. 
19. Guys go crazy when girls touch their hands. 
20. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like. 
21. When a guy makes a prolonged "umm" or makes any excuses when you're asking him to do you a favor, he's actually saying that he doesn't like you and he can't lay down the card for you. 
22. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow." 
23. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly. 
24. Guys hate gays! 
25. Guys love their moms. 
26. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses. 
27. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her. 
28. You can never understand him unless you listen to him. 
29. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does. 
30. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can. 
31. Like Eve, girls are guys EUR(tm) weaknesses. 
32. Guys are very open about themselves. 
33. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long. 
34. No guy is bad when he is courting. 
35. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot. 
36. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty. 
37. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend. 
38. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice. 
39. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. 
40. A guy finds ways to keep you off from linking with someone else. 
41. Guys love girls with brains more than girls in miniskirts.
42. Guys try to find the stuffed toy a girl wants but would unluckily get the wrong one. 
43. Guys virtually brag about anything. 
44. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them. 
45. Guys think too much. 
46. Guys' fantasies are unlimited. 
47. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does! 
48. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!! 
49. When a girl makes the boy suffer during courtship, it would be hard for him to let go of that girl. 
50. It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more.

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal." So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack 
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back. 
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care, 
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. 
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds, 
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads. 
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake. 
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake. 
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard, 
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird. 
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission, 
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission. 
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'. 
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'. 
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see 
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep. 
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick 
I said, "Shoot Fire That must be St. Nick 
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came 
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name. 
Now CLIFFORD Now VERNON Now LESTER and ENUS 
On FESTUS On ELMER On ROSCOE and CLETUS 
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins 
Now Dash Away Dash Away Dash Away youins 
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack. 
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack. 
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog, 
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog. 
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front, 
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt. 
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm, 
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam. 
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey. 
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky. 
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops. 
The veins on his face looked ready to pop. 
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip 
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips. 
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly. 
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly. 
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three 
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me. 
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head, 
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed. 
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic, 
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics. 
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice 
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price. 
He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells. 
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies, 
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size. 
When the presents were gone and he had no more, 
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door. 
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order 
"Hurry up youins To the Tennessee border" 
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl, 
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS, MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL...."

1) Boys are still stupid. 
2) Girls still don't know what they want 
3) You'll learn more about male genitalia than you ever thought necessary; guys talk more about that than women and sex put together. 
4) It is more important to learn from a relationship and gain a friend than it is to have a boyfriend just so that you're not alone 
5) Just because he has a girlfriend doesn't mean he's no longer your best bud 
6) Sometimes, people are good for nothing more than eye-candy 
7) E-mode.com knows more about me than I do 
8) That home is wherever my heart is. 
9) That sometimes I don't know who I am and that sometimes no one else does either. 
10) How much I want to be with people who really know me. 
11) That I'm more like my mother than I thought, and it's not a bad thing 
12) That it's not possible to get along with everyone all of the time 
13) How to take responsibility for my decisions 
14) Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before 
15) Road trip whenever possible 
16) If you can't pronounce a word then for the love of God, don't use it 
17) That taking everything in life and yourself too seriously will only make you miserable, but stepping back, finding the humor in everyday life, and having a good laugh at it will make life a lot more bearable. 
18) Expect to get raped by the bookstore, and don't be surprised when they give you 20 bucks for a book you bought for 100 bucks 
19) College is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes 
20) Although it is difficult to perceive while partaking, being intoxicated does not necessarily make you more fun to be around 
21) One cannot survive on Ramen noodles alone 
22) Cereal makes a meal any time of the day 
23) Boys will dance in college 
24) Even though the dining hall food blows, and you still complain about it year-round, you still eat it anyway. (Why? Because you don't have to take money out of your pocket to pay for it) 
25) What you major in during college may end up being no more than good party conversation 
26) That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination 
27) You can't hit the snooze button forever 
28) When it is snowing outside, you will not be motivated to go to class. When it is sunny out, you will not want to be in your class. Therefore, not once will you ever be motivated or want to be in your classes. 
29) Febreeze is a gift sent by god. 
30) There are two things that determine your entire life: the amount of socks you have and the amount of underwear you have 
31) Fire drills will only take place when you are trying to sleep or take a shower 
32) Quit assuming the cute guy you just met is single and straight because no matter how flirtatious he is, he's probably taken or gay. 
33) A majority of the male population seems to be gay, and that my gay-dar has been on the fritz since day one 
34) What your parents don't know can't hurt you 
35) You can't live in the past, but you can never fully get away from it 
36) When you're in college the weekend starts on Thursday night and ends Monday morning. And everyone on campus makes sure that you know this. 
37) Know who your true friends are. A true friend does not lie to you, try to change you, make you do things you don't want to do, leave you when you need support, or judge you. Recognize the ones who are not your true friends and destroy them! 
38) TA's grade harder than professors. I think it's due to bitterness. 
39) It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds 
40) Residence Life, Dining Services and the Parking Office are the most evil organizations on this planet 
41) Buy really comfortable slippers, you'll spend more time in them than you think 
42) Everything is more fun at 3 am 
43) Wal-Mart is Mecca 
44) Tolerance is a learned virtue 
45) You can skip 25% of your classes and still pass a semester. 
46) Quiet hours have begun; no more laughing, no more fun. Who ever thought of this rule is stupid. There is no such thing as quiet hours anymore. Well there are, but everyone has to be drunk and passed out in order for that to happen. 
47) Quarters are hands down the best form of American currency 
48) No matter what anyone says, your parents will be and are your greatest strength through this 4 year ordeal 
49) You can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways 
50) Don't mess with fate. It'll kick your ass.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws