| The Very Secret Diary of Meriadoc Brandybuck |
| DAY ONE Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when "washing dishes" punishment followed by "polishing Gandalf's staff" punishment and "massaging Gandalf's feet" punishment and "nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch" punishment, I mean, who's he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot thing. DAY TWO V. promising start to day when discovered carrot that was just right shape. Even more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three ears corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic. I mean, could probably manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast. All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough trade, whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am v. sad. DAY THREE Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by overdressed and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf "The Gray" earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoiding bad breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton currently, although would not go in for that sort of thing myself. DAY FIVE Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didn't happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin's belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have death wish, or what? DAY SIX Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off and he said "That's not what you said last night." After moment of confusion realized he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after explaining, "I'm really meant to be King, you know." Sure he is, and I'm the Elf Queen of Mirkwood. DAY SEVEN In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag. DAY NINE Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me! DAY ELEVEN Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries anything. Hope he tries something. DAY FIFTEEN Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always dropping sword down trousers and asking us "little ones" to come and get it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo's hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what will do when run out of vegetables. DAY SIXTEEN Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old 'Horn of Gondor' trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once. |
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