| Georgia O�Keefe once said, "I have been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." The past several months I have been struggling with the issues that have been buried and locked away deep inside. I want to protect the little girl that I once was, and leave them buried. I felt, and still feel, lost and unsure of exactly who I am. The biggest decision I have dealt with is weather or not to open up and become vulnerable, to share what I am feeling. Here I am spouting a quote that I believe whole-heartedly in, and yet, I cannot step away from that fear and expose myself. To feel safe in ones life is an enormous part of security, security that, for the most part, is just an illusion. For the level of security I feel, I imagine myself sitting in the middle of a football field. Surrounding the field is a giant bubble. The bubble allows me to see and to speak to others but it will not allow anyone in. I used to let people visit me inside my bubble, but every time I opened up, I would get seriously hurt. Now, I do not allow anyone in. Vulnerability is not safety. And if it is, I have not experienced that kind of safety. Vulnerability seems as if someone has opened my chest cavity and is poking and examining my heart with a very large prod. It is very scary, and most of the time, it is very painful. I will let someone in and start sharing what has wounded and scared me. It is a very frightening thing to open myself up to someone and let them truly get to know me. I am afraid of what they might say, or what they might think. Usually the people that I let in are people I admire and respect. People I want to learn from, and occasionally someone I want to love. Walt Whitman said, �When I give I give myself.� When I let someone in my bubble that is exactly what I do. I give them exactly who I am. For a lot of people, it can be very frightening. I come off in a very strong way with who I am, what I have been through, and what I believe in. And unless that person is ready for that, it can be frightening for them as well. The last person I let in my bubble used everything I said against me in a manipulating manner. I still do not understand exactly why he did that, but I am slowly learning and coming to terms with it. I have decided to take things one-step at a time. I will open myself up slowly, bit by tiny bit. I will learn to live with vulnerability and perhaps even begin to feel safe with it. I will, in time, learn to accept those things that have been buried and locked away deep inside, and hopefully I will still be protecting that little girl I once was. |
| This was a 500 word paper on a decision that was made and either why it was made or the outcomes of making it. |