| May 26th 6:19 am Today i sit and wonder what the fuck am i doing? Life is going by too fast for me right now, just yesterday i could swear i was 10 sitting alone in my backyard ripping the lizards open and shoving them on my fence. Or playing in puddles, jumping around in the rain actually able to have fun. And the only threat be your parents bitching about it, now i have to watch for cops security etc. And everything is just shit now, i'm not liking this whole audulthood bs. But at the same time i can't really do shit about it, so why fucking care.. I just wish i could have fun again... fun, happiness, love. It's all momentary happiness, like jacking off, you do it, it's great. than you are left with a feeling of disgust for yourself. you hold your head down looking at what came out of you and you just want to throw up... yeah i know your reading this, no i dont care what you think. :) Well i'm going to try and sleep, HA! funny eh? me sleeping... but i sleep so well... curled up like a "fetus" night! May 28th 2:29 am Sometimes i wonder if the whole damn world has a period? like one big fucking blood stream once a month, it seems that it always gets taken out on me. god i'm so tired, i havnt slept in a while, yet im still awake and wired like a frog on a power line, im really thirsty too! i could go for a nice slurpy.. mm... its 2:30 if i walk to 7-11 i could get there before 3... maybe home before sunrise. heh. Theres been alot lately that i need to get over. Certain people seem to do it so easy, so why can't i? I've always been (in the lack of a better word) fucking ill minded to stupid people. But recently ive grown somewhat of a heart torward the opposite sex. There are only but a few that i really really care for, one mostly but the other 2.. its just so confusing... I know one i am over with, they dont fucking care and neither should i. They completely make me feel like shit about myself and there really not worth it anyway, so fuck her. The second one i have no clue... havnt heard from her,... and last but not least.. my center of the world.. and thorns on my rope while i hold for dear life... we could only guess? i guess i need to get over her, again... she just doesnt care as much as i need someone to care. So... again i am single, alone and careless. Now i see the times have changed leaving me feeling strange, hoping i find hope in salvation. Someone who is just like me.. ugh... im not an easy type of person to find though, sometiems i wish i could be like everyone else, and i try. but i just dont fit in to everyone elses habits, "fun" and social life. I dont need the type of attention in which draws in idiots liek that. Why cant i just find someone liek me, someone alone, who just wants to lay out in a feild and talk alll day, someone who would share every dying breath with just me no madder what else happend, ive never ever gotten this type of extacy... i imagine me and my perfect girl dancing around in a feild of flowers with only one tree there and we lie under the tree softly kissing while holding and carressing each others hair. and into the night we stare at the moon while our hearts glow for each other while we make passionate love under the stars. This is the thought that drives me insane, under all of my morbid mentality and fucked up doings... i am just a hopeless poetic lover. :-\ im not a fighter nor a killer... but a soft touch with rose thorns krept up along my spine. I need someone who can open that side of me up and keep it there.. I will not pleed for this person, i am not going to pretend she exists.. nothing this perfect could ever happen to someone like me. Someone like me... i hate the word me... Goodbye journal thingy. Maybe in my dreas i will find this person... thats the only place they could ever posibly exist... night. Stephan , June 2nd 1:41 am Today i was walking down the street and i fell to the ground and my nose started to bleed. These head rushes are killing me, I know what its from but nobody else does.. i wish i could tell people but they wouldnt understand and they would just think i had "more problems" than i allready do.. only 2 people know, 2 people that i know wouldnt ever tell anyone. I cant understand this "american dream" people are living in anymore.. life is just as meaningfull as the creatures walking the earth, that we slaughter and eat, breed them just to eat there young. funny how life is... people have been really getting to me lately, everyone seems to either hate my "personality" or my mentality.. i dont get it, some people think i'm the best write ever and my philosophys are great, and some think i should be thrown in a ward and left there. I've recently cut everyone off and going back to point A.. which is closing up and moving on and not giving a fuck again. This isnt not caring.. this is self reliance. i'm sick of lies, deceat, failure to communicate because the other pserson is a retard, im sick of teling my personal business and it getting thrown in my damn face. People really do know how to make me throw up. If it were up to me id rip out all your eyes and play with them daily. People wouldnt understand if i tried to make them understand with a fucking gun to there neck. "how are people going to care if you dont let them" fuck you people that say that, wtf is it im trying to to by even talking to your filthy fucking asses. I hate that shit.. ugh, so tired... bye you slithering fucking liers. June 7 8:35 pm Today i swear was one of the worst days of life itself. After work on fridays i usually go to the mall with one of my only friends, Brandon. But he decided to blow me off as usuall for his girlfriend. He told me to meet him out there, so i left and walked around for about an hour.. no sign of brandon, i did see megan but that only brought pain and anger. Megan recently told me all the feelings she ever had for me were lies and the only reason she faked them were to keep me from killing myself. I for one dont see how it really helped but i just suck in my pain and linger with the thought of one day ripping her heart out the way she did mine. But than after about a half an hour of walking in the rain to avoid her face i walked back in and while smelling and staring at some of the most digusting things on this earth...people... i began to shake and got really paranoid, my nose began to bleed and everyone stared without words, some laughed and some were disgusted...as i was... i looked up and saw people laughing to me it looked like the entire mall was staring at me , the wals laughed right along with them.. i walked quickly letting the blood run down my face and into the floor, i could hear every drop. My head rush finally passed and i managed to get to a phone. I called my mom and wanted to go home, to my room the only plave i feel comfort. Before i could reach the exit door one of my old friends called my name, i didnt turn around at first, still feeling paranoid so i clentched my fists and kept walking. They ran after me and grabbed me, i tunred in a slow but settle movement not to hurt them, it was rose. A beautifull face to look at that wasnt laughing or lying. She hugged me and at first i felt uncomftorable, but a sence of comfort set in when se kissed my cheek... i almost felt pretty inside. She took my soul with her scent, than she took my number with a pin and paper. On the way home i almost cried thinking that before i die i promise alot of people will feel the pain i have. true smoothing almost numbing pain. Stephan. |
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