Babestress Misti, Do you find it disturbing that my left testicle hangs lower than my right one?      Nutty Professor Dear I-Lean, Yes, Mr. Bobbitt, I do. Please quit calling. Dear Misti,   I confess�I love clothes. At night I dream of the perfect outfit with all the right accessories. Heaven is an unlimited credit line. I even think about clothes more than sex, after all, they last longer. Am I crazy or what?      Clothes Horse Dear Horseface, Neigh, don�t get your dander up. I once dated a shrink who said clothes are an ugly witch�s way to fit in with real women like me. Whatever. Go cold turkey. Wrap them up neatly and mail to me. I�m sure I can have your circus tents altered. Dearest Mistress Misti, Are those 1-900 numbers, like, on the level or what?      Like a Virgin Dear Sucker, Yes, but since you were born yesterday you�re too young to dial anyway. Got a credit card, zit face? Dear Misti, I work hard at a tough job. Friday nights I buy two gallons of ice cream, have a pizza delivered and grab my television clicker. Sometimes I don�t leave the house until it�s time to go to work Monday morning. Help.      Bored and Anxious Dear Pathetic,   Have you considered suicide? You're boring me to death. Pal Misti, I know this gal from the office. We became wild and  crazy friends. I�ve confided my deepest, darkest secrets to her and consider her my bestest bud. She thinks of me as just another friend. What to do, what to do?      True Blue Dear Truly Annoying, Geez, I told you I didn�t tell anyone about your affair with the high school gym coach or that you referred to you as her �Super Bowl.� Quit with the paranoia. Have you met pathetic? Dear Misti,   I recently started topless dancing to help pay college costs. One night I was shocked to see my English professor in the crowd. He since has begun making lewd comments during class. Help! Dear Stupid Slut,    Next time teach starts preaching, grasp his dangling modifier firmly and charge double.
						Dear Misti, How many Aggies does it take to screw you?      Comic in College Station Dear Zit-Faced Loser, One. With a very very very large wallet. That�s assuming you rule out Tom Delay, LAIH columnists and farm boys like you. Dear Misti, I�m totally obsessed with my body. I�m sure I have an ulcer, brain tumor, heart problems and ticks! My doctor says I�m bats. How can I stop worrying?      Paranoid in Pearland Dear Crazy Bitch, Did you type this letter on the computer? I hear they cause cancer. Madam Misti, My husband and I have no friends. We basically watch TV, then have sex in the same old position and nod off. Anyhow, do you know any good recipes?      Mousy in Moulton Dear Stepford Wife, Here�s one of my favorites: Mix one fat, stupid housewife with one balding 7-Eleven manager. Add Velveeta and Vienna sausage. Bore me to fucking death. Dear Misti, Sometimes there�s blood in my stool, but it goes away in a few days. Should I be concerned?      Standing in San Antonio Dear Buttplug, Try getting more expensive furniture. Hey Misti, I sometimes masturbate to orgasm by rubbing my legs together. Am I weird?      Loopy in Longview Dear Adrianne, Please, please return those panties you borrowed immediately! Well, wash them first. Dear, Dear Misti, Why does the polish on my nails turn yellow during summer months? How do I cure it?      Acute in Austin Community College Dear Yellow Shower, Stop �shopping� with Adrianne. Misti, My mother says my posture is horrible. She mentions that creepy osteoporosis thingy and points at my hunchbacked Grammie. I�m scared!      Slumped in South Texas Dear Misshapen Freak, I suggest you take lessons from Adrianne and buy a cat. Ms. Misti, Is it true that if you eat your food really fast you�ll gain more weight than if you eat really slow?      Masticating in Marfa Dear Whale, Depends. Do you cover your huge, dimpled ass with chocolate sauce first? Or does it just  look that way? You�re pathetic
		Dear Misti, Geez is my guy a gossip! He tells his coworkers everything about our personal life. Help!      Redfaced in Round Rock Dear Boring, The good news is they could care less about your pathetic excuse for a life. The bad news is I am severely bored. Misti, Which do you prefer: baths or showers?      Wet and Wild in Austin Dear Golden Boy, Put that monster back in your pants this instant and replace it with a gold card. Then we�ll talk. Dear Misti, How do a tactfully introduce my boyfriend to my vibrator?      Buzzing in Buda Dear Horny Slut, Mr. Limp Dick meet Big Jim Slade. Big Jim Slade meet Mr. Limp Dick. Do a haveta baby you people? Dear Misti, My daughter is about 10 pounds overweight. Salespeople are so rude. One called her �hippy� even. What to do?      Mother Hen in Austin Dear Corpse, The only chance anything that came out of you is �hip� is if my boyfriend is secretly a blind necrophiliac. Tell your daughter to accept a life a misery and buy her lots of ice cream. Sister Misti, My man tells the same boring jokes over and over again. I am not amused.      Sleepy in San Antonio Dear Dipshit, My job is not available. Have you considered telling him to reposition his tongue? Ms. Misti, My boss is into teamwork, but I have kids at home who demand all of my spare time. I feel like the dorky kid in junior high when I have to cut out of the big meeting. Any advice?      Working Mom in Dallas Dear Slave, More cleavage, less whining. You might even get a raise.
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