One Woman's Story
In my case I did have an opportunity to be reunited with my first love from 11 years back when I was in the Navy in 93 . To make a very long story short , I had injured my leg while still in service . I was also engaged to handsome enlisted fella during this time . I was doing very well in the military & doors of opportunity were beginning to open for me .
It was offered to me that instead of taking an honorable medical discharge , that I could stay on shore duty for 6 months allowing my leg to heal then take on the BOOST program which led to Officers School in New York . I was thrilled to have this option but I was also engaged to a fellow I loved very much . I was left to decide which meant more to me - my military career or being with the love of my life . He was set to get out of the service in a year , my service would extend an extra 4 years if I chose to stay in . My commanding officer gave me a few hours to decide what I wanted to do .
So I thought very long about it , and decided to go with my heart - I had never felt this way about anyone , I felt I was making the best decision for myself . So going on , our last 2 weeks together were at his folks place in the mid-west , which didn't go so well . His mom did not approve of me , and with him being her only son ..... You can guess how that played out .
Anyway , the last of our leave together we arrived back in San Diego , CA . That very same night his ship was set to go to Long Beach where he would finish the rest of his term . Meanwhile I received official word that I would be on my way home a week later . The last time I saw him was early the next morning , his ship was pulling out of dock . I rushed out on the pier and could see him standing at his mooring station . We both called out our ' love yous ' , blew kisses ...etc. That was the last time I saw or heard from him for a long time .
When I left for home a week later , I assumed I was still engaged and was looking for to a life with my husband to be . The plan was to get a vechicle , work & save , so by the time he got out I would have a place of ours lined up and few possible jobs for him to check out .
Well , I didn't hear from him untill almost 2 months later , and when he finally did call it was to simply dump me , call off the engagement - just wanted to be friends - kind of thing .So there I was only 21 , and already felt like my life was over , not only did I suffer the worst heart break ever , I had also lost a world of opportunities as a officer in the navy - which is why I joined in the first place . My parents of 30 years were also going through a divorce as well - and I dropped into a bad stooper .
I still took care of myself and was strong , but deep inside I felt he broke it off for other reasons than what he had told me . But life went on , as it always does . I tried to get back in the Navy but because of the re-enlistment code of having a medical discharge it could not over turned or waviered .
So time went on , not a day didn?t pass that I thought of him , and missed him . I had an opportunity to go to Long Beach & see him , a sort of make-up bit . But for all I knew I was setting myself up again to more hurt than before , what made me think he wouldn?t dump me again once he got out of the service and back around his family ? Especially his mom .
Well , years go by . I moved on , married a sweet guy & we had a son . Still once a year I would send a birthday card & Christmas card to my ex wishing him well , but never got a response . I suppose I was a fool for hanging on . I loved the life I had found & adore my son & husband , but deep inside I needed to know why - was it me , what was the true reason why he had ended it ?
7 years later , I receive an e-mail , it was him . The sweetheart I was once engaged to in the Navy , the one I had decided to follow my heart with and lost out on personal career opportunities . At first I thought it was a prank , a family member jerking my chain . Everyone back home knew I had fallen in deep and never saw me in such a mess as I was back then . So I call everyone far & wide , and everyone says " Nope , wasn't me . " So I was thrilled & anixous . All along my husband was aware of my past and felt I did need an explaination but did stress " It's his loss . "
So I e-mailed him back . Gave him my number to call me so we could talk . And sure enough he called . We both thrilled to talk to one another at last , it seemed we never lost a beat . He went on to explain he did get each & everyone of my cards/letters , only after finding his wife had stashed them over the months and his mother had trashed some , but he found them . He also explained that back in 93' his mother had given him a choice either it was her or me . ( By this point on the phone we are both sobbing my kids ) he said he chose wrong and had been spending years trying to find me when he finally found an e-mail address he decided to give a chance on to see if it was me .
He told me he ended up divorcing , but remarried and has a daughter a little young than my son?s age . So end up talking on & on . And all the feelings I long ago pushed aside & forgotten came back as he went on to apologize and wish he could back and change what had been done . I told him things were different now and I had moved on , which he understood . But if anything , I wanted us to be friends . So for the next 2 years , we talked often on the phone or by e-mail . The feelings were always there but dueto the life I had chosen now I felt it would not be fair to my son & husband for me just to walk away - in attempts to relive lost youth & forgotten promisies .
Eventually , talk of getting back together came up - as I tried so hard to avoid . Yet , it did surface in the back of my mind . I loved the fact we were talking on a great level but the tension of the past was slowly slipping back into the present . Was I willing to let this change my future ?
Again , to make a long story short , it was getting the point I felt torn between my love of the past & my family of the present . With him being married with a child as well , this becoming harder for me . I thought of my parents , when they divorced I recalled how I felt seeing my father leave off & marry his mistress - who he later had kids with . And true he may have been happy - but I felt it was unjustice to my mom , brothers , sisters & our own families as well . That one simple action had sent a shock wave of reprocusions that still trail a ripple effect to this day that changed the family forever . Holidays , birthdays ...etc. Were never the same again , and never will be .
I looked at my situation , was I willing to do the same as my father had done ? Was I willing to destroy my family at home and be partly responsible for breaking up another family ? Just for the sake of my own peace of mind in finally being with the one I realized still had feelings for . Were my feelings of a life that once was that important to me . I thought very long & seriously about this . Yes , my heart was still as it was when I was 20 , but I was 31 now with responsibilities & married . I had given my vows & devotion to an honest man who has been there for me since my rebound of getting over this entire mess in the first place .
They always say , you never move ahead by looking back . I was torn from what my heart wanted , and what was for the best , not only for me but for all sides that would be effected by this . This time I made my decision with my mind & not my heart . I chose my husband & son , all this time my husband said he would respect whatever choice I made . I kept getting e-mails for invites to a possible meeting place . Even thowe we had talked for the past 2 years , we still had not seen one another since 93 when we were both still in the navy . I had finally received a few photos of him horse back riding , in the manly-stud fashion . And he had received some pics of me with my son & husband .
The last phone conversation he & I ever had , he said he would be willing to leave his wife & daughter for me . I felt a strange wave of emotions . I was flattered , yet sad . Because I knew his wife was not even aware of this - she & I had actually talked a few times . And she told me , he would talk about me often and said he needed to find me , even during the four years she & he have been together . Then I really got to thinking , he & I only together four a few months , this woman had lived with him , bared his child four years and no matter how I looked at it , I was beginning to feel really bad . After my last call to him , I told him it may be a long time before we speak again if ever . He asked why , and I said " You know , because of
life . "
After that , I ended up staying up over 72 hours , and debated should I leave it at that phone call and do nothing more - or should I say something to his wife ? Afterall , if my husband was talking to an ex of his in the matter that I had been receiving I would surely want to know . And I was not innocent in this , I flirted sure , I enjoyed remembering those days - having no worries , no bills to pay , no mouths to feed but I always stuck to my guns that my heart is with my family now . Yet the simple truth is my feelings for him never did fade , and now I have an opportunity to have that second chance .
I asked him if he ever talked to his wife about us , and how we were once engaged , he said no . He said he couldn't , it was too painful , too difficult to talk about . He also added that if I wanted us to get back together , I would have to be the one to make the first move . Just be ?damn? sure that is what I want before doing it .
Well , that set a red hot flag went off in my mind , again I thought of how sneaky my father was behind my mother's back - I recalled the incidents my mom would tell me . This began to strike me as a fella wanting out of a marriage , and I just happend to be the one who is talking on the other side of the line .
So for 72 hours after that last call I was pacing the floor , biting my nails , I had also received an e-mail from him simply saying he had a secret but didn't add to what it could be . I began to get the impression there was more to this than what I knew . I talked to my husband about it and asked what should I do ? Leave it as it is and say nothing more ?
My husband said I should call his wife and tell her everything , and if she had any questions as far as my honesty he would be right there . He also added , if I didn't call he would . He wanted this done with . And I agreed . Now my husband wasn't exactly thrilled about this - I knew he had always completely trusted me , but after this - it has taken him awhile to fully trust me again . I didn't blame him - if I were him I may not have been so forgiving . Even thowe nothing physical ever happend , I realize the entire mental aspect , the very thought of it all is just as damaging .
So I finally did , with a heavy heart I called his wife and told her everything . She wasn't surprised in the least , she said that was the second time that year he had done something like that . She said he has a probelm with responsibility and was tired of it . All the time I could hear their daughter in the background playing . I felt bad - but it had to be cleared up for everyone?s sake . And my hunches were right he was not only playing his wife , he was trying to play me & obviously some other woman .
Well , the last I heard he was going to marriage counseling and his wife sent me an e-mail thanking me for telling her . After all , I saw that what happend to me 11 years ago - loosing my career chances & having a broken heart was going to happen to someone else - and I couldn?t be a part of it , its? odd .... I didn't have the heart to do it .
That's when it truly hit me , my husband of the past 10 years was my lost love , he was the one , and has been the one there with me through the thick & thin . The hassels and b.s. that life puts many of people , couples , marriages through . He has given my life a sense of balance & generous grace of understanding & support . My husband stayed by my side when many others would have left . And he told me in return , I stayed with him when a lot of others would have left .
And when he asked me what was it exactly as to why I wanted to be back with my ex , or at least thought about it ( as we all do ) . I realized it was not love , it was lust . It was wanting to feel that sense of young recklessness we all miss & crave as we get older , those defining moments in our youth that directs our paths to who we are now & who we grow to become .I realize it wasn?t neccessarily the person I was with , it was how I felt when I was with him . It was an intense physical relationship - so fairy tale indeed , I remembered we did look good together and it was defintely a strong physical attraction - and my ex had told me it was more than that as why he wanted to get back with me . I did have the opportunity to tell him that I forgave him , we were kids back then , thought we could change the world , saw life new & bright , had high hopes for an unknown future - as all of us feel when venturing into young adulthood . And I am not doubting he didn't love me - in all honesty I knew he still did but ......
As we get older - getting married - literally means 'settling down ' . And having that said , my point is all of us have the ability to move and find hope in the future , at least I try my best to . And you know , when my first love told me he would give up all he had for me , I knew he meant it . But I remember when I gave up everything - there wasn't at much at steak as was between me & him . I left it on a very bad note between me & him . And we probally will never speak to one another again or ever see one another . As far as he knows I did it all out of revenge , he never expected me to do what I did and says he has pity for me because how cold hearted I was . ( Well as I appeared to be ). He said he wished his was the one to tell her and what I did was bad timing . ( I've always said , " No better time than the present . " )
What is somewhat sad , I knew I had to make sure that I would come across as being so mean that it would ensure I would never hear from him again - so he would move on and never think twice of me again . To make sure that I would never have a possibility of being tempted .... I had to let him go for good . A part of me will always miss him , but in reality I feel I did what was best , for both of us . He owed to himself , his daughter & wife to try to work it out . Marriage is a very sacred bond . So many people turn & divorce on a dime - no one sticks it out , dealing with & passing on temptation - reguardless how wonderfull of a weekend you know you would have .... eventually the party is over and the reality of ones' actions come to surface . When it came down to the wire - my heart was at home . All I ever wanted in life , had always been there - I just wasn't so aware of it until made that call .
And true , he was just handsome as I had remembered , but he is now more of a vague dream , a fantasy that would not come true in this life . And not saying I didn't give it thought , but I looked past what I had wanted and looked at the overall picture . Prephaps in the next life ?
I did receive a few calls from his younger sister that evening , calling me a bitch , saying I had no right to do that , it was none of my business . And he was planning to leave his wife any way . Then said I didn't have the balls to go through with it . I asked her is her husband was talking to an ex of his wouldn't she want to know - she said that is not the point , I said sure it is . It was wrong , he & I both were . She said , " What's good for the goose is good for the gander . " So I handed the phone to my husband and said , " Here , she wants to talk to you about what I did was so wrong against her brother . " He got on the phone and told her , " I know , I read all the e-mails , it's done with . " He then gave me the phone and she continued on calling me F'n this , F'n that . I simply wished her well & to take care of herself and she hung up on me .
And yes , a lil' part of me was gratified , but in all honesty I do miss our talks about everyday life , just having a friend who did know me from so long ago was a warm welcome . As where I am now all my family is out west I'm here on the east coast with my hubby , son & inlaws . And as with everything , life moves on .
What is strange , I ask myself - if my parents had never divorced , and if I had never experience what family break ups , parents cheating - what it does to children , and everyone directly associated / related / involed . I feel in his eyes I betrayed him and lost a very unique friendship , one I will miss and sometimes every once in awhile crosses my mind . Yet , such as what I experienced when my parents split up - would I have made the same choice ? Looking at my own son and my husband I believe the answer is yes . Thowe if defintely gave me some food for thought .
I no longer ask "What could have been...... " Now , I realize I have lost a lot of precious time - lost in the past , looking back - learning to look forward I finally see those skies overhead are actually clear & sunny , and so not dark & grey ..... Afterall the sun does set in the east .
