Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 82

It had already been a good fifteen minutes since school had been out, yet here I was still entrapped within my own personal he.ll. My chin was resting along ChilHyun’s desk, while my eyes fell upon KiSup’s untouched backpack and books. Feeling quite jittery, I shuffled around in my seat; turning my head every few minutes to see how much time had passed.

I wondered if I should grab KiSup’s stuff and take it to the office. Maybe he had left without grabbing his stuff. Maybe he was still getting in trouble. Maybe I was just worrying about nothing. It was stupid to worry about such—

“Why didn’t you leave yet?”

My head lifted up from the table, and I looked up to see ChilHyun poking his head through the door. I rose from my seat, and walked over to KiSup’s desk while grabbing his belongings. ChilHyun raised a single eyebrow, and walked into the empty classroom. He was obvious wondering what in the world I was doing.

“I was just waiting for KiSup.”

There was an obvious expression change in ChilHyun’s face, but he seemed to push it down, and force on a nonchalant nod. As much as he wanted to show that it didn’t bother him that I was waiting for KiSup, he was obviously being visited by the green monster. It felt nice to have someone you like being jealous. It reconfirmed emotions.

“ChilHyun ah, you know the note you wrote me earlier?”

Quite a habit lately, ChilHyun once again raised a single eyebrow. His body lazily leaned into the frame of the door, and he crossed his arms waiting for me to gather KiSup’s belongings. When I had walked over to the door, ChilHyun extended his hand for KiSup’s backpack, and instead of waiting until I placed it in his outreached hand, he just grabbed it and walked out.

Sweet, but none the less, as.shole-ish.

“ChilHyun ah, what about KiSup?! Aren’t you going to wait—“

Maybe that’s not exactly what ChilHyun wanted to hear, but I was honestly worried about KiSup, I mean he did get in trouble because of me, actually—

“IT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU!”

Surprised at my random outburst, ChilHyun stopped to turn around, and gave me a questioning stare. I guess I was a bit weird around ChilHyun, but not all the time just once in awhile, and it didn’t mean that I was a complete psycho—

“Are you listening to me SuhBoHyung?!”

“Uh huh, I sure am!”

“Then what did I just say?”

I was talking to myself; I mean thinking to myself, so of course I don’t know what in the world you were just saying! Why am I talking, thinking, to myself again—

“See you aren’t paying attention to me. What are you thinking about?”

“I don’t know. I was just thinking that it was our—“

“KiSup?”

There was that familiar tinge of jealousy in ChilHyun’s voice. I smiled, and lightly punched him in the arm, which he over exaggerated, and threw himself into the wall. We both laughed, as we started to head towards the stairs.

Staring at us with contemptuous eyes, HeeJoo stood dead still on the last step leading to the second floor. Both ChilHyun and I looked down into HeeJoo’s cold glare, and I was sure ChilHyun was thinking the same thing I was.

“ChilHyun ah, I’m going to go see if KiSup’s still in the office.”

Just as I took a step down onto the stairs, so that HeeJoo and I were on the same step, ChilHyun grabbed onto my elbow, stopping me from moving any further. I was going to tell ChilHyun that it was okay, but I couldn’t figure out if ChilHyun was stopping me, picking me over HeeJoo, or if he just didn’t want me to go running to KiSup.

“Hyunnie…What are you doing?!”

A sharp pain quickly spread through my arm, as HeeJoo’s hand violently separated ChilHyun’s grip from my elbow. Shocked by the sudden forceful tactic of HeeJoo, ChilHyun stepped forward, standing in between HeeJoo and me.

“What do you think you’re doing?!”

The pupils of HeeJoo’s eyes shook with rage, and there was no way I was going to be in the midst of it all. Letting my hand reassuringly caress the side of his arm, I slowly began to head down the stairs.

“I’ll come by your house in a—“

“ANCHILHYUN! Don’t you know who I am?! Hyunnie yah! Did you forget?! Did you already forget?! Hyunnie, it’s me, HeeJoo! BaekHeeJoo! Don’t you remember?!”

“BAEKHEEJOO! Just stop! Stop! No matter what you say or do, I’m not breaking up with BoHyung!”

The muffled crying of HeeJoo’s voice echoed down the stair way, which caused ChilHyun to lower his voice, and turn back to his reassuring self. Of course this side of ChilHyun only appeared in front of HeeJoo.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you, but…HeeJoo you’ve got to accept BoHyung. I…I think I…”

“I don’t want to hear it! No! I won’t hear it!”

My eyes gazed up, and I could see HeeJoo covering her ears, rapidly shaking her head side to side. Frustrated at HeeJoo’s childlike manner, ChilHyun grabbed onto her wrists, and separated her hands from her covered ears. HeeJoo’s voice rang off the walls, causing chilling goosebumps to race down my back. Her shrieking filled the empty school, but at the same time ChilHyun’s unmistakable words clearly floated into my ears.

“I love her…”

Taking a single step forward from my frozen spot, I felt a jabbing sensation inside of my rib cage as I watched HeeJoo forcing herself into ChilHyun’s arms. Half expecting, but more hoping, I watched as ChilHyun take in the embrace instead of pushing her away, like I had prayed. I wasn’t jealous, nor was I mad…just hurt.

It was time to go home, really go home now. I turned around, and started to run down the stairs, but for the hundredth time that day, I was once again stopped, but not by ChilHyun or HeeJoo.

“SUHBOHYUNG!”

Looking up half a flight of stairs, I spotted KiSup hovering over HeeJoo, and ChilHyun, who seemed to have separated at the surprising outburst from KiSup. Lightly, but with quite animosity in his actions, KiSup passed by ChilHyun, and began walk down the steps. When he was half way from where I was standing, he froze in his tracks. Without turning back, and without addressing anyone in particular KiSup spoke out towards the large window that was just a few feet ahead of him.

“I didn’t stand around stupidly so I could see BoHyung being hurt. Treat her right, or I’ll be more than glad to show you how it’s done.”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 83

”SooHwa?”

The girl that was standing next to me, swiveled around with wide eyes, as she examined me for a full minute. Covering her mouth with her hands, the pretty girl hopped up and down, and started to scream.

“UNNIE! BoHyung unnie! Unnie! Unnie!”

If a stranger had saw us, they would have thought we knew each other really well, or they might even think we were related. In honesty, I had only met SooHwa once in my whole life, and the first time I met her, she reacted in exactly the same way.

“Um…hi? What are you doing here? Didn’t you move to New York two years—“

“JinSooHwa, when did you fly in?! You weren’t supposed to fly in until next week.”

“I missed you oppa, so I flew in early.”

There was something going on between SooHwa and KiSup. SooHwa was in love with KiSup before she moved to New York, but KiSup wasn’t very interested. BUT THEN! KiSup moved to New York just a few weeks after SooHwa did! That was right!

“LimKiSup, don’t tell me you and SooHwa are—“

“Unnie we’re going out! We’ve been going out for the last—“

“Lets talk BoHyung.”

JaeJoong immediately stood up from the bench, and planted himself next to me. Placing his very heavy, and very muscular arm around my shoulder, he grasped tightly onto my arm, JaeJoong pulled me away from KiSup.

“You said not to stand around stupidly right? I’ll take my girlfriend this way, and you take yours that way.”

Girlfriend? The boy was letting his imagination run wild again.

“JaeJoong, BoHyung, meet my girlfriend, JinSooHwa.”

So they are going out! Since when?

“I already know BoHyung unnie, but hi JaeJoong op—“

“Lets leave the lovebirds alone.”

Leading me, more like forcing me, JaeJoong and I headed away form KiSup’s apartment complex, while SooHwa waved frantically at us. When I looked back, I could see KiSup playfully placing a lollipop into SooHwa’s mouth. The two still looked so good together. One of those beautiful couples people loved to look at. I was genuinely happy for KiSup.

“So you’re talking to me now?“

“Don’t ever try to break up with me ag—“

‘But JaeJoong ah, we were never really dating.”

“That’s not the point!”

Actually, that’s a really important factor for couple’s when they’re arguing about break ups.

“I don’t care for what you say anymore. I’m going to do whatever the he.ll I want.”

Wasn’t that how it always was?

Before I could even continue my argument with JaeJoong, he was answering his phone. The famous JaeJoong answer.

“This better be important or I’m going to kill you KimJoonSoo.”

Telling by JaeJoong’s rapidly changing facial expression, there was something wrong. Although faint, I could hear JoonSoo’s frantic voice from JaeJoong’s phone, and I definitely concluded that there was something wrong, when JaeJoong dangerously pulled over a cab. Angrily directing the driver towards YooChun’s house, JaeJoong, started to curse underneath his breath.

“JaeJoong ah…what’s…”

“SuhBoHyung, listen to me carefully okay? Try not to be too surprised by YooChun’s state.”

I wasn’t really sure what JaeJoong was talking about, but I was guessing I would soon find out. Nodding, my hand rested on top of JaeJoong’s, as he continued to curse under his breath. Surprised at my touch, JaeJoong sighed, and tightened his grip on my hand, almost as if he was uneasy about something.

The second we arrived in front of YooChun’s apartment, JaeJoong threw some bills into the back seat, and ran out, pulling me along with him. Unwilling to wait for the elevator, JaeJoong began to run up the stairs, two steps at a time. I didn’t ask, seeing that this was probably one of the very few times I would see JaeJoong so emotionally unstable.

Rushing into YooChun’s house, I felt my heart racing faster and faster with every pull of JaeJoong’s hand. An eerie silence filled YooChun’s house, and pacing in the living room was JoonSoo, and a crying ChangMin.

What’s going on…

“LET ME GO!”

A fiery voice screamed out from the closed doors of YooChun’s door. Immediately, JaeJoong rushed in, widening the doors for everyone to see YunHo holding YooChun from behind. I gasped at the round holes in the closest doors, and the broken objects lying dismantled on the floor.

“PARKYOOCHUN! Are you crazy?! Your life isn’t over! Fu.ck KangChamSol! Don’t be fuc.king stupid! You knew how she was from the start! You got into the fu.cking relationship! No one forced you!”

YunHo’s grasp loosened, and YooChun turned around throwing another punch into the wall, causing a small crack, along with blood smeared clearly across the white walls. I flinched at the sight of his painful looking fist. Not once thinking it would be dangerous to near YooChun, I found myself running to his side.

“Get out.”

“BoHyung noona—“

Quietly, but sternly, I stood next to YooChun’s shaking body, and once more repeated myself to YunHo.

“Just give me a few minutes YunHo.”

This time he listened, and YunHo walked out next to JaeJoong, shutting the door behind him. Gently as possible, not to startle him, I guided YooChun towards the edge of his bed. Setting him down, I grabbed the box of tissues from the side of his bed, and began to drench up the spilling blood.

“Noona…”

Surprised at his dead voice, I slowly looked up to see YooChun’s normally bright eyes filled with overflowing tears. I told myself that I had to stay strong for YooChun, but seeing my broken student, my heart reached out for his broken one.

“She knew I loved her…and…and…she could have broken it off first…but…”

I saw myself embracing YooChun who’s wet face rested in my chest.

“Instead….she kept me on the side…and…had someone else too…the whole time…there was someone else too…”

“I’m sorry YooChun…I’ll say sorry for her…I know it’s unbearable right now…I know it seems like it’ll never end…but I promise you…I promise it’ll get better.”

I know YooChun…because I went through the same hurt.

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 84

Unaccustomed to the silence, I tried to talk about everything in the world, in order to get some kind of reply out of KiSup. The whole time we strolled along the city streets, wandering no where in particular, KiSup remained unspoken, and merely continued to chew his gum quite loudly.

“I can’t handle it anymore! For God’s sake say something KiSup! We’re not five years old, so stop with the da.mn silent treatment!”

KiSup pulled out a lollipop from his pocket, and handed it to me. I accepted it without any objections. Unwrapping the cavity on a stick, I placed it in my mouth, sucking on the sweet, yet tangy, watermelon taste. I had to admit I didn’t feel as impatient with the lollipop in my mouth, yet KiSup still remained quiet, and it continued to scrape at my every last nerve. I just wanted KiSup to talk, was that asking for too much?

“Stop it!”

His eyes widening in surprise, KiSup looked at me while pulling the lollipop from his mouth.

“Stop what?”

“You know!”

“No I don’t.”

‘Fine! Try to play it off like you weren’t just giving me the silent treatment just 30 seconds ago!”

“Okay.”

His large hand ruffling my hair, KiSup found joy in seeing that my hair was turning into a little tornado, and continued to mess around with my hair until most of my hair was balled up into a little clump at the very top.

“Stop it!”

“Stop what?”

“With my hair!”

“It’s pretty.”

Back to our normal selves, both of us avoiding KiSup’s indirect confession, we headed in to the local arcade, which was packed with students from the local three high schools. Squishing our way through groups of students, KiSup, and I finally ended up in front of the most tattered machine.

“Tetris? You want to play tetris?! Come on KiSup, isn’t there anything else you know how to—“

“No I don’t know how to play any other game.”

So, without any more embarrassing questions, KiSup and I both played some coins in and began the classic game at Tetris, which he sucked at anyway. As we both intently stared into the scratched up screen, KiSup with his tongue sticking out to the left, and me with my whole body pushed onto the machine, we both quickly became lost in the simple game of arcade tetris.

Just as both of us were seconds away from overflowing, a high pitched scream brought the noisy arcade to a complete halt, KiSup included. The blinking words, “You Lose” filled KiSup’s half of the screen.

“KISUP OPPA!”

Both, KiSup and I, tiptoed to see what girl was calling him, but before we could even really look around, the crowd of arcade goers spared, as a pretty girl came running towards us. I wondered if KiSup had hidden siblings that he didn’t mention.

The girl was sporting a crisp JoongAng uniform, her in a perfect French braid, and the thickest platforms I had ever seen. She was a good head shorter than me, so without her shoes, she had to be even smaller than JaeJoong’s cousin, midget girl.

“KISUP OPPA! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!”

KiSup shrugged his shoulders, and turned around, pulling me with him. Did he not know the girl? Why was he just walking away!

“KISUP OPPA! WAIT!”

The girl continued to scream at us, while the rest of the arcade returned to their games. To my surprise, KiSup ignored the pleading calls from the girl, and continued to drag me out. My head turned back to see the girl sprinting towards us holding out a wrapped present.

“OPPA IF I CATCH YOU YOU’RE DEAD!”

At the extremely loud threat, KiSup started to run, while I was still walking, so now I was being dragged, which some crazy girl chasing after us.

“KiSup stop!”

I pulled KiSup to a random stop, as I held him down, until the girl had caught up. With her hands angrily placed on her waists, she angrily shoved the small wrapped box into KiSup’s stomach, causing him to lean over in pain.

“You didn’t have to—“

“Shut up oppa!”

Sheepishly laughing, KiSup brushed away his bangs from his eyes, and looked around the streets in curiosity.

“Was that YOU, SooHwa?! I’m sorry I didn’t know it was—“

“Shut up oppa.”

“Okay, SooHwa. So why were you looking for me?”

The frightening expression from SooHwa’s face vaporized, as her bottom lip started to protrude, and her eyes started to water with tears. Both KiSup and I found ourselves overwhelmed by her sudden mood change, and KiSup immediately apologetically grabbed onto SooHwa’s hand.

“SooHwa, I’m sorry! I won’t run away from you anymore. Why are you crying! Come on, you like to run after me! Here have some candy!”

KiSup began to pull out handfuls of candy which SooHwa accepted with teary eyes, placing everything coming out of KiSup’s pockets into her book bag. Once his hands were empty KiSup hopefully looked up into SooHwa’s face, only to be even more disappointed that he not only lost all his candy, but she was still crying.

“Who is…who is that?”

SooHwa’s finger pointed at me.

“BoHyung meet, JinSooHwa. SooHwa you already know—“

“UNNIE!”

Why is this random girl, probably a first year, hugging me like we’re long lost sisters?

“You’re the unnie that KiSup oppa likes! You’re BoHyung unnie! KiSup oppa told me about you! I know you! I want to be exactly—“

Both of KiSup’s hands covered SooHwa’s still chattering mouth, and he motioned with one of his hands that she was mentally unstable. I cringed my eyebrows, as SooHwa wriggled free from KiSup’s hold.

“Anyway, I just came to tell you that I’m moving to New York.”

“New York?! Why?”

Once again the tears started, and KiSup apologetically played with the small present in his hand.

“My parents business expanded to the States, and… and… KiSup oppa! I didn’t even get a chance to date you, and I have to leave already and—“

KiSup patted SooHwa’s head reassuringly, and smiled brightly as he pulled out a handkerchief from hi back pocket.

“I’ll come visit sometime. My older sister goes to school in New York.”

“Really? Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Promise oppa?”

“Yeah.”

I couldn’t help but think how nicely the two complimented each other. I wondered if that’s what people thought when they saw ChilHyun and me.

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 85

All six of us sat quietly squished within YooChun’s room, everyone trying to get a bit more comfortable, and YooChun sprawled on his bed quietly staring up at the ceiling. I felt out of place. One I wasn’t in high school, and two I wasn’t a guy. Silently getting up from my seat in a corner, I noticed YooChun’s head slightly turning to look over at me.

“Where are you going noona?”

“Um…I’m just going to go—“

“OPPA!”

The door slammed open slamming into the back of ChangMin’s head. Painfully cringing, and rubbing his head rapidly, he looked over at a little girl that stormed into the room. With tears welding up in her eyes, she climbed onto the bed, while YooChun sat up weakly.

“SaeLin ah, what’s wrong baby?”

Clinging onto a fluffy classic teddy bear, she sat down into YooChun’s lap while sniffling up her stuffy nose. Her small hands clasped onto YooChun’s cheek, and she continued to cry.

“I hate her! Umma said someone was mean to you! I know who it is! It’s that dummy unnie you talked to before bedtime! That’s why you never tucked me in! I hate her!”

Turning SaeLin around so she was sitting in his lap, YooChun rested his chin on her head, as he looked down and talked to her. As if his head were too heavy, SaeLin’s face shrunk down a bit, but she didn’t seem to mind.

“Linnie yah, oppa is fine. No need for you to cry too. I’m just a little bit sad.”

Standing up again, SaeLin turned around, and looked into YooChun’s eyes. Her tiny hand wiped away YooChun’s tear soaked face, then she wiped her own face too. Wobbling towards the bed stand, she grabbed a tissue and handed it to YooChun.

“In preschool this boy said my princess hair pin was ugly, and it made me really sad. I cried. Did that dummy unnie say your sailor moon outfit was ugly?”

Everyone laughed at her innocent comment, me on the other case, thought back to the time we caught YooChun playing dress up as Sailor Moon. Confused, SaeLin placed her hands haughtily on her waist, and looked down at all of us sitting scattered on the ground.

“Don’t laugh! I think YooChun oppa’s Sailor Moon outfit is pretty!”

Large droplets of tears streaming down her face, she fell into YooChun’s arms, who was just holding her laughing at her innocence. Obviously doing quite a bad job at cheering the child up, YunHo got up, and picked her up from YooChun’s embrace.

“Linnie yah, you want to see what it feels like to be a giant?”

SaeLin sniffled, and nodded, while YunHo wiped away her tears with his thumbs. Kikcing ChangMin, YunHo motioned for him to follow them out. Lost at what was going on, ChangMin got up and followed YunHo out.

“If you sit on Minnie oppa’s shoulders, you can be Linnie giant!”

Just as the three exited the room, Mrs. Park walked in, worriedly glancing at YooChun. Wiping her wet hands on her apron, she sat at the edge of YooChun’s bed, brushing away the hair falling into his eyes.

“YooChun, are you okay sweetie?”

Energetically getting up from the bed, scaring all of us, including Mrs. Park, YooChun smiled brightly and helped his mom off the bed. One hand holding her hand, and the other around her back, YooChun started to lead his mom out of the room.

“Come on umma, you think your son would fall apart over one girl?!”

Sighing in relief, Mrs. Park kissed YooChun on the cheek, patting his bottom afterwards.

“Of course not. It’s okay YooChun, I know you’re some kind of a Casanova at school. I heard about your reputation. You should really fix that you know.”

YooChun’s head poked into his room, and he glared at JaeJoong who shrugged innocently. I looked over at JoonSoo who was sleeping in a corner with what seemed like one of SaeLin’s dolls. He looked so cute and angelic.

”Stop thinking dirty thoughts about JoonSoo while he’s sleeping.”

Who would say this to me beside KimJaeJoong.

“BoHyung ah! Bring JoonSoo and JaeJoong out, it’s time to eat!”

Ignoring JaeJoong’s comment, I started to crawl over towards JoonSoo, but JaeJoong grabbed my left ankle, and pulled me back.

”I’ll wake him up. You just go out and help Mrs. Park.”

Did he really want me to help out Mrs. Park, or did he just want to prevent me from waking JunSu up? In any case, I wasn’t in the mood to argue, so I walked out towards the dining room, where ChangMin was teaching SaeLin how to set the table.

“Minnie oppa, like this like this?!”

“Yup, a napkin, chopsticks, and a spoon. Wow Linnie, you’re so smart! Smarter than me!”

Excited about the compliment, SaeLin jumped up and down on the seat she was standing on, and excitedly looked over towards the kitchen, where YunHo was helping Mrs. Park bring out dinner.

”YunHo oppa! I’m smarter than Minnie oppa!”

I entered the kitchen, to see Mrs. Park slaving over the stove, adding some spices into a boiling pot. She motioned for me to come over, and held out a spoon, which she blew on, then placed into my mouth.

“It’s so good Mrs. Park! Wow, I’ve never tasted such good boo dae jji gae!”

“Does it taste okay?”

I nodded vigorously, while Mrs. Park continued to fry slices of tofu. She pulled out a pair of oven mitts from her apron, and handed them to me.

“BoHyung can you do me a big favor and go put that on the table?”

“Oh no problem Mrs.—“

“I got it Mrs. Park!”

JaeJoong snatched the oven mitts from me. Taking a hold of the boiling boo dae jji gae, I followed him out to the dinning room where he placed the boiling soup into the middle of the table. Everyone was already seated, and ChangMin was at the end of the table helping SaeLin into her booster chair.

“YooChun what about your dad?”

YunHo asked the question I had been wondering all night. Still upset, YooChun looked up weakly and was ready to answer, but SaeLin took it into her own hands to answer for her brother.

”Appa is in Yoolup! Umma and me are going to visit him in Yoolup next week!”

We all laughed at SaeLin’s pronunciation of Europe. When YooChun wasn’t depressed, SaeLin and he were exactly the same, except YooChun was a guy and SaeLin a girl.

“Dinner is served boys.”

Mrs. Park walked out with a tray full of side dishes, and bowls of rice. She passed around the rice, and I began to take he empty bowls at the edge of the table, ready to serve the boo dae jji gae, when JaeJoong once again snatched it away from me. Mrs. Park giggled, and nudged me lightly.

“So I hear the two of you are dating.”

“Oh no Mrs. Park you must have heard wron—“

“Actually Mrs. Park, I liked BoHyung noona first, but JaeJoongie hyung stole her from me, but then I liked NaRi so it worked out!”

JoonSoo yah, if you’re going to tell the story, at least tell it right!

”Nuh uh umma! Joongie oppa said he’s going to marry me when I’m older! Huh Joongie oppa?!”

JaeJoong placed a bowl of jji gae in front of ChangMin, and quickly kissed SaeLin on the cheek. Overjoyed by the gesture, SaeLin smiled proudly towards her mom.

“See umma!”

Everyone too involved with listening to SaeLin, no one noticed YooChun slipping away from the table. I quietly got up, but everyone seemed to suddenly turn their attention to me. Looking at YooChun’s empty seat, I smiled sadly and excused myself from the table.

“I’ll be right back.”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 86

I had left KiSup, and SooHwa to have the little amount of alone time they had left. Of course KiSup was begging for me to stay, but I think he just felt bad for having to leave me out. In any case, I came home early, for the first time that week, but regretted it the instant I walked into the house.

“Um...what’s going on?”

The second I entered the house, I swear to God I walked through the wrong door. There was a traditional glossed wooden table in the middle of the living room, with a portable stove in the middle of it. Different side dishes surrounded the stove, and hovering over the table, no other than, lazy, SuhHoHyung was placing napkins and chopsticks down. Shocked, I stood in the doorway staring as HoHyung neatly put down our “special” metal chopsticks.

“HEY! SuhBoHyung, are you just going to stand around or help out like everyone else?!”

My mother dragged me into the house, and stood me in the middle of the kitchen. Sitting on the floor with one of my mom’s aprons on, my dad diligently peeled potatoes onto a laid out newspaper. Noticing me, my dad put down a half peeled potato and excitedly held out the victory sign, and waved his hand frantically.

“You’re dad’s a good husband huh! You should marry someone like me BoHyung!”

“Come on appa, like that breathing cluster of fat can find a—OW!”

A pair of rubber gloves smacked HoHyung across the head. It was nice having parents that were always on your side.

”SuhHoHyung! How many times must I tell you to call your sister, noona?! Do you think I’m joking?! Does my face seem like a big joke?!”

My mom hit HoHyung across the head again, which caused him to quickly run over to…ChunEeSeul?!

Standing over the stove, ChunEeSeul was stirring a stone pot full of boo dae jji gae. Dashing some salt across the soup, she brought a spoonful of steaming boo dae jji gae into her mouth, and smiled proudly. The image of HoHyung standing in EeSeul’s protection, while she cooked at our stove, gave me the strange feeling that this was exactly what our family might just look like in a few years ahead.

“EeSeul ah, you don’t have to help out in here dear. Just go—“

”Yeah just listen to umma. Let the black sheep do it. You’ve been helping out for the past hour—“

“It’s okay HoHyung. Just go wait in the living room. I’ll help out in the kitchen.”

“Assash! My girlfriend is the best! Hey chunky, why don’t you learn from EeSeul!”

While HoHyung passed me, he made it a point to shove me making me run straight into the fridge. I looked at my mom giving her a “do something about it” look, but my mom merely laughed, and began to put the potatoes my dad peeled into her apron pockets.

“EeSeul is a guest at our house, but she’s done more work than you. Do something. Stop standing around. Do you think our ChilHyunnie will want to—“

Our ChilHyunnie?! Chil…HYUNNIE?! Since when did she call him ChilHyunnie, and since when was he ours?!

“Hey BoHyung, your mom made me call ChilHyun. Hope you don’t mind—“

Dumbfounded, I stared at EeSeul, and nodded a few times. I don’t think what she said actually registered in my mind.

“Oh don’t worry about it darling! Of course BoHyung doesn’t mind!”

UMMA! Of course I mind!

“Umma, why did you invite ChilHyun? Is there something going on that I don’t know about?”

Leaping up from the ground, my dad smiled brightly, and put his arm around my mom. They looked like one of those disgustingly happy couples on those dish washer commercials.

“We’re just having a family dinner honey. You know, your brother and his future bride, and you and your future—“

What is he talking about?!

“APPA! NO ONE IS GETTING MARRIED TO—“

*DING DONG*

I was praying that it wasn’t who I thought it was, but to my dismay when I opened the door ChilHyun walked in holding onto a box of Korean pears. My dad rushed to his side, and took the box from him, welcoming him like he was some long lost son.

“It’s great to see you ChilHyun! You’ve gotten handsomer since the last time I saw you.”

Smirking, ChilHyun bowed deeply to both my parents, who stood watching him in awe. They might as well crown him the king of the Suh household.

“I missed you ChilHyun, how come you don’t come over? Does BoHyung threaten you?”

My mom patted ChilHyun on the back, as she led him towards the food, and sat him down right next to my dad. I rolled my eyes, and sat down beside him, but my mom pushed me over, and took my original seat instead.

“Oh no, I just don’t think it’s very polite to randomly show up at—“

”What are you talking about?! You’re family!”

Appa, please stop!

“Hyung, it’s too bad you have to be a part of this family because of that fat—OW!”

My mom kicked him from under the table, while EeSeul punched him from the side. In order to stop himself, HoHyung grabbed a sliced up cucumber and shoved it into his mouth.

“ChilHyun ah, eat up, our EeSeul cooked all of this by herself! I’ll make sure BoHyung learns all this before you two get married.”

My mouth gaping wide open, I stared at my mom in disbelief. ChilHyun looked at me with a taunting grin, and if my mom wasn’t sitting in between us I would have made sure and smacked him. EeSeul was trying to start pouring everyone’s soup, but HoHyung obviously didn’t want her to. I could feel the radiating threats coming from HoHyung’s eyes.

“It’s okay EeSeul, I’ll do it. HoHyung over there obviously wants me to do some work.”

“That’s right! Do something instead of just sitting there and breathing!”

Just as I lifted up a bowl to pour the jji gae into, ChilHyun bent forward, and took the bowl from me. Both my parents looked at him lovingly as he gently pushed me away, and scooped the jji gae himself.

“Honey, don’t you think we could die happily now?! Someone actually wants to marry our BoHyung!”

“Umma can you please st—“

“Of course someone wants to marry our BoHyung! She’s our Ms. Kore—“

“APPA!”

I closed my eyes in shame, but opened them up to see ChilHyun trying his hardest to hold in his laughter. He placed a bowl of soup before my dad, and smiled over at me.

“I’m sure she would easily win Ms. Korea.”

Oh God the embarrassment, but of course my dad has to add onto it.

“You think so too huh, ChilHyun! It’s not just me huh!”

Dear God, if you just make this dinner go by in a second, I promise to be good for the rest of my life.

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 87

Knocking on YooChun’s door, I waited for an answer, but walked in when there was no reply. Searching his empty room, I sighed, and picked up his cell sitting on his bed stand. Quite worried about his sudden disappearance, I was walking out of the room, when I painfully ran into JaeJoong. Furiously rubbing my shoulder, I squinted up at JaeJoong, who for a second, looked quite apologetic.

“You’re fine. It’s not like you’re made of skin and bones. You have plenty of meat to protect you.”

“Thanks JaeJoong.”

“No problem BoHyung. So where’s YooChun?”

I shrugged. Walking over towards the door, I slipped on my shoes, and started to open the door. JaeJoong quickly grabbed me, stopping me from exiting. What did he want now?

“What?”

“I’ll go with you.”

“Are you worried about me going out at night by myself?”

Making a gagging motion, JaeJoong rolled his eyes, and began to slip on his sneakers. Just as we were about to exit the Park house, Mrs. Park’s worried call stopped us in our tracks.

“JaeJoong ah, is YooChunnie okay?”

I didn’t want to worry Mrs. Park any more than she already was. JaeJoong pushed me towards the apartment, but I pushed him further in. Against his own will, JaeJoong started to take off his shoes, and once again entered the apartment.

“Go tell Mrs. Park we went out to get some air. I’m going to go take a walk around the block to see if—“

”SuhBoHyung, don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right down.”

I rolled my eyes, and closed the door. When I had gotten outside, I realized there was no way I was going to stand around, and wait for JaeJoong. For some reason I knew that YooChun hadn’t gone far, he probably just needed to get away. As I tried to think of where in the world YooChun could have gone, my eyes caught a slow moving swing set in the neighborhood playground just across the street. There was a hunched figure sitting in it.

Not bothering to check for any approaching cars, I ran across the street to the playground, and as I neared the figure, I could tell it was YooChun on the swing. I plopped myself next to him on the empty swing causing him to look up in surprise. While my smile was bright and cheery, YooChun’s was forced and weak.

For awhile we both sat in silence, looking out into the brightly lit parking lot that surrounded the small playground. The only noises was the flicking open and close of YooChun’s Zippo, and the random sound of YooChun inhaling his cigarette. I really wanted to take his cigarettes away, but there are times one should never interrupt a male and his cigarettes. One of those times is after he finds out his girlfriend has been cheating on him since the first day they were dating.

“Noona…”

Surprised at YooChun’s voice, my face immediately lifted up, and I looked at him hopefully, expecting him to ask me if I wanted to go in. I watched as he threw his cigarette out of the playground towards the cement. He placed his hands deep into his pockets, and he stared down at the sand our feet continued to brush against as we slowly swung back and forth.

“Do you really think I’ll be okay?”

I wondered if the question was directed at me too. I couldn’t differentiate if the question was for my own personal life, or for YooChun’s. Was it some kind of a sign from up above? My eyes lifted up to see YooChun worriedly looking down at the ground.

“I think…in time you’ll be okay. It just takes time.”

YooChun’s head nodded once, and he pulled out the lighter from his pocket, and once again began to flick it on and off. His hands were steady, and once in awhile I could see that he would mess up, but the burning heat didn’t seem to bother him much. He just continued to flick it on and off, concentrating on the disappearing flame.

“YooChun ah…are you okay?”

He let the question settle. I don’t think he knew how to answer the question. After a long silence, YooChun shoved the lighter back in his pocket, and turned his body slightly in the swing, so that he was facing me.

“I’m scared noona…”

The only body part that gave away the fear in him, were his eyes. I stared at his still expression, and wondered what he was talking about. Luckily he elaborated with much ease.

“What if…what if I feel this…hatred…and…distrust…forever?”

I thought back to myself. The same question sometimes haunted me too. What if I couldn’t let him go…ever? What if I was hurting over him ten years later? What if everyone I ever met never compared to ChilHyun? What if…what if…what if…

“I don’t YooChun, but sometimes all these apprehensions and what if’s…sometimes they cause you to take a step back, and when it’s too late to take a step forward, you realize you’ve come back so much, that there’s no more time or room to go forward.”

It was something both of us had to realize. Not only YooChun, but me too.

“Noona, I don’t know if I’ll love anyone as much as I loved ChamSol.”

His voice was filled with more worry than sadness. It seemed as if he was scared that he wouldn’t be able to love again, and he had good reason to be. Getting up from my seat, I kneeled in front of him and held onto both his hands.

“Why did you love her so much.”

A sad smile covered YooChun’s face, and he looked away from my face.

“I don’t know…I asked myself that question everyday…but I just don’t know. I just did…”

I remember the feeling…

“Someone once told me that…sometimes God takes away those that you love…family and loves of your life…that he closes doors, but always…always…opens new ones. With each door he closes, he opens up a new one. So even though you can’t walk through the same door you’ve been walking through your whole life…that if you merely turn around…there will be another open door.”

The saying was so clear in my mind. It felt like yesterday he had told me this.

“YooChun ah, you can love again, but it’s up to you. The door is open, but it’s you that has to walk through it.”

Before I could double check to see if it was a smile that was on YooChun’s face, a worried voice called out towards us.

”YooChun?!”

We both got up to see JaeJoong walking towards us. An eyebrow quirked up, and he looked at me suspiciously but quickly controlled his emotions, as he lightly punched YooChun on the arm.

“You’re mom’s worried.”

Smiling, YooChun rolled his eyes and knowingly wrapped his arm around JaeJoong’s shoulder.

“You just missed my handsome face didn’t you.”

JaeJoong sure was wearing off on YooChun.

The two laughed, and JaeJoong wrapped his arm around mind, the three of us heading back towards the apartment. Just as we got on the elevator the soft whisper of JaeJoong’s words left a guilty burden on my mind.

“You should take your own advice.”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 88

Constant sounds of sniffling filled the dark living room, and I could hear someone pulling out tissue from the box. Feeling the tears streaming down my face, I felt movement to my left, and I realized ChilHyun was holding out a tissue for me…HoHyung for EeSeul…and my dad for my mom. Just as I took the tissue from ChilHyun, so did EeSeul and my mom. A soft ballad began to play, and a saddened voice filled the living room.

“Noona, in our afterlife…don’t appear as my noona…I don’t care if you’re an old hag…and I wouldn’t care if you were really really ugly…just…just don’t appear as my noona…If that happens, then I’ll find you, where ever you are…I’ll find you and make you live with me…So…when we’re both born again…you have to call me “darling” instead of TaeSung okay? Alright…Pinky promise. Goodbye…TaeSung.”

The screen turned black, and the ending credits began to role. I could hear someone shuffling off the couch, and within seconds the bright lights of our living room flooded the apartment, and all of us squinted as our eyes began to adjust to the sudden light. My head cocked to the left as I looked over at EeSeul and my mom who were both wiping away tears and blowing their noses. My dad on the other hand yawned, as he tiredly stretched his arms.

“The book is so much better.”

I smiled at EeSeul’s comment. I couldn’t agree with her more.

“Don’t you think the movie was complete trash compared to the book?!”

EeSeul eagerly nodded as she swiveled around on the couch to face me. I picked up the DVD case, and looked lovingly at the male leads of the movie, KangDongWon and JoHanSun. Just as I opened my mouth to comment to EeSeul about how excruciatingly good looking they were, ChilHyun immediately snatched it out of my hand, and handed it to EeSeul. Unfortunately, EeSeul got it snatched by HoHyung who passed it onto my mom. Just like the two of us, my mom got it snatched by my dad, and now the DVD case is lying in the middle of the living room like it’s some deadly disease.

“Oh my God, what the he.ll is wrong with your face!”

HoHyung loud and obnoxious voice filled our house as he stared at me in disgust. He was just asking for it, especially because he was sitting next to my mom.

“YAH! SuhHoHyung, what makes you so great huh?! I feel bad for saying this in front of our EeSeullie, but you’re not so great yourself!”

I love my umma! Umma jjang!

“But honey, our HoHyung is a good looking boy. I mean come on, look at his parents.”

NO APPA! NO NO NO!

My mom smiled proudly, and giggled with my dad while taking quick glances at HoHyung. They were so much like little kids.

“Huh, you think so too, huh. I’m not just saying this because they’re our kids, but we did a good job in raising good looking kids huh?”

“Okay appa, I’m going to walk ChilHyun out.”

ChilHyun was bowing to my parents, but I dragged him out, because I heard my dad saying something about when we should set a date for the reception?! Following in my footsteps, HoHyung was dragging EeSeul out right behind us.

The four of us entered the elevator, and at first it was a bit awkward, but that died away real quick. EeSeul and I chatted about the movie, and HoHyung was busy sucking up to ChilHyun. By the time the elevator reached the ground floor, HoHyung and EeSeul went one way, and ChilHyun and I went another way.

Both of us not wanting to separate, but neither of us wanting to admit it, we ended up on the playground, swinging on the swings. I watched distastefully as ChilHyun smoked a cigarette, and decided it was probably better if I didn’t watch him. Swinging on the swings, letting my body fall back, looking up the sky, my mind whizzed back to the movie. By the time I slowed down, and looked over, ChilHyun was done with his cigarette, and he smirked at me, and quickly looked down at the sand.

“What you thinking about?”

I shrugged at ChilHyun’s comment, but found myself answering his question.

”About the movie. ChilHyun ah, do you think it’s possible to be reunited with someone if you love them enough?”

Swinging gently back and forth, ChilHyun was silent for a long time. He was in deep in thought, and I wondered what kind of answer he was going to give me. Probably a typical AnChilHyun answer that completely ruined the mood. Half expecting him to give me some conceited reply, I looked at him suspiciously, but to my surprise, there was only sincerity in his soft words.

“I think sometimes God takes away those that you love.”

I wasn’t sure, but there was a painful yearning in ChilHyun’s voice. I eyed him, but didn’t see much change in his expression. Continuing to keep my gaze on him, I watched as ChilHyun focused on the sand, looking for something that was obviously not there.

“Like a brother…or a lover…you know, when he takes away someone you love with all your soul.”

Nodding, I let my hands dangle at my sides, and to my surprise, ChilHyun grabbed hold of one of my hands, tightly holding on, afraid of letting go.

“He closes certain doors, but always…opens new ones. With each door he closes, a new one opens up. So even though you can’t walk through the same door you’ve been walking through your whole life…if you turn around…there’s already another door open.”

I looked over at ChilHyun, noticing a saddened smile settling on his face. My hand reached up to face, and rested on his cheek, causing him to slowly close his eyes. His eyes reopened, and glanced at me sideways, and smiled gently.

“I walked through the door…and you were standing on the other side.”

I wasn’t sure of what he was talking about, but I didn’t really care. A warm cozy feeling settled at the pit of my stomach, and I rose from the swing, ChilHyun following. Hand in hand, we walked toward the main streets.

“ChilHyun ah, if God close the door that leads you to me, what would you do?”

I don’t know why, I asked, but I wanted to know. He shrugged at first, and then laughed.

“I would thank him.”

Giving him a disgusted look, I pulled my hand out of his and started take bigger steps. He laughed and took a hold of my hand again. Stopping me on the sidewalk, with a bright smile plastered across his face, his fingers flicked me across the forehead.

“You dork. Of course I’d have him open up another door.”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 89

People rushed by me in every direction unaware that I was standing against the wall waiting for someone. If all these hundreds of people didn’t notice me, does that mean he wouldn’t either? Checking my watch, I began to pull out my cell phone, just seconds from dialing some numbers, when someone’s hand reach out and pulled the cell phone away from me. Shocked, I looked up and saw JaeJoong placing my cell phone back into my bag.

“You’re late.”

Walking away he answered my questions, disappearing into the crowd.

“I’m always on time. You’re just early.”

I ran after JaeJoong, and when I finally caught up to him, I wondered for what reason we were meeting today. My finger tapped him on his firm shoulder two times, causing his head to jerk towards me. At first I knew what I wanted to say, but due to his face jerking so quickly sideways I immediately lost my train of thought.

“Never mind.”

There was a cocky grin that rested on his perfect face. How come I was starting to get a feeling that he was going to say something that was going to piss me off?

“If you want to look at me that badly, just ask.”

I don’t know why I bother.

We walked in silence for awhile, and the more we walked, I realized that I had absolutely no clue where we were going. As not to make the same mistake twice, without tapping him, I continued to walk next to JaeJoong, questioning him as casually as possible.

“So where are we going?”

“You were going to ask me that earlier but you forgot huh?”

Damn it! How did he know!

“No I wasn’t.”

“Yes you were.”

“No I wasn’t.”

“Yes you were.”

Why doe he always need to have the last word? Oh that’s right, he’s last place in his class.

“FINE! I was.”

JaeJoong laughed loudly, showing his victory, and put his hand casually around my shoulder. I felt my heart skip a beat, but most likely because it had been such a long time since I had such casual contact with a guy.

“We’re meeting up sweet tooth.”

Sweet tooth? Who in the world is…OH! KiSup.

“KiSup? Why? Did you call him?”

With a disgusted look, JaeJoong flicked my forehead, and shook his head disapprovingly.

“Why the fu.ck would I call him! He called me!”

The rest of the way to the café we continued to bicker about every little thing, but the ease I felt with JaeJoong could not be denied. I was constantly laughing, whether it was to myself, or out loud. We decided we would race to the café, and the loser had to pay for drinks. It was too bad I didn’t realize that I had no clue where the café was.

When I saw JaeJoong slowing down in front of a familiar café, my heart began to race even faster than what it was already, and I felt my body gathering beads of sweat. Once I had caught up to JaeJoong, he took nothing of my shaky state, and headed into the café, and I followed behind him my heart threatening to stop any second.

Copying JaeJoong’s every step, afraid that I would be lost if I didn’t, I followed JaeJoong towards KiSup, who was sitting at a table that brought back memories I had long forgotten. Scooting into the flower print love seats, I hesitantly stood at the head of the table, but was forced to sit down as JaeJoong pulled me down by my wrist. Just like before we barely fit, and our legs were slightly brushing against each others. Letting my eyes fall down onto the table, I watched as my fingertips trailed along the wooden table. The second I looked up, a hurtful smile looked down at me from KiSup’s face, and I knew that he knew, exactly what I was remembering.

Noticing the intense wordless conversation KiSup and I were having with our eyes, JaeJoong looked suspiciously from KiSup to me. Underneath the table JaeJoong grabbed my right hand which was resting on top of my purse which was on my lap. His hands firmly held onto my hand, and he let a tight squeeze filter through.

“You were here with him before…weren’t you?”

My head lifted up, and I looked at JaeJoong’s darkened eyes. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, and if he was mad or glad. After being unable to tell what to say or what to think, I let my head fall down again, and I tried my hardest not to let the threatening tears to fall out. At the same time I tried to pull my hand away from JaeJoong’s, but he held on tight, and would not let go.

“SuhBoHyung.”

I met eyes with KiSup this time, and he sighed loudly giving me a pathetic look. What was he doing, and why was he doing this. Why was KiSup torturing me like this.

“How long are you going to do this? ChilHyun is gone. He left you BoHyung! He broke up with you, and left you in the cold!”

For the first time I heard KiSup getting angry. This was only the second or third time seeing KiSup since he returned to Korea, and instead of laughs and stories of old times, I hear him getting angry. Still unwilling to cry, I stared blankly at KiSup.

“BoHyung, it’s been two years for God’s sake. You need to—“

“Let it go.”

JaeJoong’s voice filled the right side of my ears. I wanted to look over to see if he was angry or not, but I didn’t have the courage. Instead my gaze dropped from KiSup’s face right back onto the chipping polished table.

“SuhBoHyung, look over to your right.”

I did as KiSup told me, and I met eyes with JaeJoong. Once again nothing but blankness in his stare.

“Look who is sitting next to you. It’s a guy named KimJaeJoong. There’s someone right next to you that can possibly be better than your past….”

I knew everything KiSup was saying was right, and I knew that it was crazy of me to reject someone that liked me as much as JaeJoong did, but…

Abruptly rising from my seat, I turned around, not wanting to show my tears in front of both KiSup and JaeJoong.

“But…he’s not ChilHyun…”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 90

Scooting into the flower print love couch, ChilHyun and I painfully sat down, both of us avoiding eye contact. We both scooted towards opposite edges trying not to let our bodies touch, but love couches weren’t exactly very spacious. Uncomfortable, and feeling slightly shameful, I looked over at ChilHyun, who turned towards me. We both broke out in a muffled fit of giggles. Releasing the tension, I sat comfortably, my leg slightly rubbing against ChilHyun’s.

“Are you ready to order?”

Grabbing for the untouched menus, without much thought I blurted out the usual.

“A coke please—“

But ChilHyun made it a point to order for me.

“She’ll have an orange juice. Actually can we have two orange juices?”

The waitress gave ChilHyun a flirty smile, which ChilHyun replied with his famous side grin. Rolling my eyes, I waited for the waitress to ask me if the orange juice was okay, but she scribbled into her notebook, and walked away. I watched in disbelief, and turned to ChilHyun to confirm the waitresses lack of service.

“I think you just subconsciously made her ignore me.”

Smirking at me, ChilHyun smiled brightly while grabbing for a sugar packet, which he gently tossed around on the table.

“I think you’re just jealous.”

Jealous of who?!

“That waitress?”

ChilHyun smirked at my squeaking voice, and ruffled my hair with his large palm. Just as I was about to punch him for causing a hurricane with my hair, so perfectly, the waitress pranced over with our orange juices, and forced back the laughter that was threatening to come out as she looked at my hair.

Why is the stupid bi.tch laughing at me in front of my boyfriend? I don’t see her sitting in my seat!

Fanning the flames, ChilHyun laughed out loud, in front of the waitress, but slowly started to brush my hair down. In victory, I smiled innocently up at the waitress who placed our drinks on the table and stormed away.

I stared down into my glass of orange juice as if it was poison. Take a quick sniff, I glanced up at ChilHyun who was took a long gulp leaving his glass only half way full. Wrinkling my nose, I let the glass rest in my hand, gently swirl in circles at the slight flicks of my wrist.

“It’s not going to kill you.”

The untouched juice was replaced on the table while giving ChilHyun a dissatisfied glare. If there was any drink I hated most in this world, it had to be orange juice. I think on the whole planet, I was the only orange juice hater. Why?

During my last year in junior high, HoHyung discovered the power of receiving free things for the mere fact that older girls, younger girls, same aged girls, girls in general, swooned over his supposedly “cute” looks. I always marveled at these blind girls, but then again our family did eat a lot of great food because of these girls. Of course, except orange juice.

As a child HoHyung had always loved orange juice, and being the idiot that he is, on the day of his birthday a girl asked him what he wanted more than anything in the world. What was Mr. Genius’ reply?

“A cold glass or orange juice would be nice right about now.”

What do we get that whole day? Idiots ringing our doorbells with bottles of orange juice. A total of 15 bottles of orange juice was collected. For two and half weeks we drank orange juice like it was water. When I woke up I was forced to drink a glad, while I watched TV, when I was doing my homework, right before I went to sleep. Any given second, and my mom was next to us holding a glass of orange juice. Eventually we finished it, of course ruining both HoHyung and my love for orange juice.

“Staring at the orange juice isn’t going to make it magically go down your throat.”

“But I hate orange juice!”

With a confused look, ChilHyun looked pathetically at me, and then questionably at the untouched orange juice in front of me. Letting his hands run through his hair, he sighed loudly, and pulled the glass towards him.

“If you didn’t want it then why did you order it?”

OH MY GOD! DOES HE HAVE AMNESIA OR IS HE JUST STUPID?!

“Because you ordered for me! I’m the one that tried to order a coke—“

“Coke is bad for you.”

“But I hate orange jui—“

Both ChilHyun and I stopped our bickering as KiSup plopped down on the empty love seat across from us. A sly smile crossed his playful face, as his hand reached out and grabbed for my untouched orange juice. Immediately, ChilHyun pulled it back causing a little bit to spill onto the table.

“This is BoHyung’s.”

KiSip sighed in exasperation, and looked at me with much exaggeration in his facial expression. Flailing his hands in order to get his point across to me, KiSup motioned at the orange juice, which ChilHyun firmly held onto.

“BoHyung, would you mind if I had a sip of your juice?!”

“Sure KiSup have it all.”

I smirked up at ChilHyun, but unfortunately he was shoving the glass towards my mouth, and reluctantly I was suddenly drinking the juice, ChilHyun forcing it down. Butt hurt that he would not get a sip, KiSup yelled out that he wanted a watermelon juice towards the waitress who was once again replying with her airy sing song voice at the new single guy that sat across from ChilHyun and me.

“I don’t like orange juice!”

“Oh…well it’s good for you.”

“Do you want to die—“

A piercing whistle filled the café, and I covered my ears, and then quickly looked around in embarrassment. The whole café was looking at us, and KiSup was happily pulling his pinkies out of his mouth. Waving at everyone, and taking a slight bow, he turned back to a stunned ChilHyun and me.

“I swear you guys are always fighting when I see you two.”

“Get it straight LimKiSup, it’s not fighting, it’s a love quarrel.”

I mocked ChilHyun’s statement with a humored laugh. ChilHyun opened his mouth to say something, but the second he opened his mouth, KiSup stopped him with his hand, and began to say something.

“I’m…”

There was a long silence, and I was starting to eager, but for some reason the earnest expression on KiSup’s face just wouldn’t let me rush him.

“I’m moving to New York tomorrow.”

Shocked, I leaned into the tabled, and looked at KiSup for a long time. Staring at him, waiting for him to say something else, I looked puzzled as he looked up into my eyes, holding out a lollipop. I took the lollipop and put it aside on the table.

“You just moved here though. Why?!”

“Well I wasn’t planning on staying in Korea for long anyway. It was temporary from the start.”

Disappointment filled my voice, and I know both ChilHyun and KiSup could sense it.

“If BoHyung cries because you’re leaving, I’ll kick your as.s.”

Rolling his eyes in another exaggerated motion, KiSup smiled at ChilHyun.

“We both know I wouldn’t be leaving if there wasn’t someone to wipe away her tears.”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 91

A luring scent of kimchi jji gae tainted my nose, and I found myself half asleep, half awake, stumbling into the kitchen. Eyes still closed, I didn’t bother to open them as I rested my head onto the glass table.

“Umma, the jji gae smells so good.”

Letting my nose do the seeing for me, I took in a deep breathe before rubbing my eyes open. My mom waved from the kitchen, and smiled more brightly than the time she was bragging to her friends about me dating a younger, handsomer, smarter(?) guy than me.

“Hungry?”

I nodded eagerly, and picked up the metal spoon so conveniently set out. Then suddenly my mom winked at me, instinctively making me nervous. Both my hands were gripping the one metal spoon, and I suddenly felt metal anchors falling on my head as JaeJoong walked out of the kitchen holding a pot of fresh kimchi jji gae.

Is this some kind of bad dream?! Wake up BoHyung! Wake up!

“Stop slapping yourself! You look crazier than usual!”

Umma, must you let some young stalker boy cook breakfast, but now you need to insult me in front of him too? Gosh, you’re the greatest mother!

“Go wash up.”

The sickening angelic smile of JaeJoong’s was killing me, so I had to get up…before I threw up at the table. By the time I was out of the bathroom, JaeJoong was joking around with my parents, while HoHyung angrily stuffed rice and jji gae into his mouth. Of course he shoved the food into his mouth...three bowls of it.

“Stupid as.s KimJaeJoong.”

HoHyung’s discontent murmuring was quite jumbled together, none the less, understandable. Maybe it was a natural reaction now, but my dad’s palm met with the back of HoHyung’s head, but as if nothing had happened, my dad turned to JaeJoong, and continued to laugh about something JaeJoong had just said.

“Appa! Do you like that princess better than your own son?!”

My mom’s eyes widened as if HoHyung had asked a stupid question. Patting JaeJoong’s back, my mom laughed at HoHyung’s outburst, and turned to my dad for affirmation.

“Honey, isn’t your son in law just like your own son?”

Nodding in agreement, my dad pushed forward some side dishes towards JaeJoong.

“Of course! There’s no difference!”

Unable to handle the neglect, HoHyung jumped up from his seat. We all looked up at him, waiting for him to say whatever he was going to say. Instead, he took one last spoonful of rice, and two spoonfuls of the jji gae that JaeJoong had made. With his mouth full of food, HoHyung began to speak, causing chewed up rice to fall into my bowl, only my bowl.

“I can’t eat this cr.ap! When I get home all of you better realize who the real Kim son is! Let me give you a clue, his name starts with a Ho, and ends with a Hyung!”

With that HoHyung stormed out of the kitchen. Half expecting him to come back, we all continued to stare even though HoHyung had disappeared, but to our expectations, HoHyung did storm back in.

“KimJaeJoong! I’m going with KiSup hyung today, and I’m going to give him all of my noona’s lacy bras!”

“SUHHOHYUNG YOU STOPPED DOING STUFF LIKE THAT!”

Just as I had jumped up from my seat, HoHyung gave a cheeky grin and bolted out of the dining room. Embarrassed to the max, I sat back down and stared into my infected bowl of rice, while my parents began to argue.

“I’ll have JaeJoong, and you can claim HoHyung.”

My mom looked unbelievably at my dad, who was already protectively putting an arm around JaeJoong’s shoulder.

“Honey! I’m the one that had to go through the twenty hours of labor having BoHyung, so I should be able to claim JaeJoong!”

Quietly, I grabbed JaeJoong’s hand and snuck into my room. I sat awkwardly down on my bed as JaeJoong seated himself in my computer chair. The unbearable silence continued until JaeJoong finally made some movement. Scooting his chair near the edge of my bed where I sat, JaeJoong rested his face into his hands.

“So?”

Uncomfortably forcing a smile, I raised my eyebrows.

”So?”

“So, because I’m not AnChilHyun, that’s why you can’t accept me?”

“JaeJoong ah, it’s not that. It’s just—“

”It’s just what? What should I do SuhBoHyung? Should I go change my hairstyle? Should I change my personality? Should I go live in the house he used to live in? I mean what? What about him is so great that you can’t let him go?”

Half his voice rung in amusement, while the other half was anger. Maybe it was frustration. JaeJoong’s demanding questions knotted in my head, and I merely stared blankly back. I didn’t know what to say to him. What was there to say?

“I mean the two of us shared enough sh.it what else do you need? I wear the same cologne he used to wear, we went to the same high school, for God’s sake we both dated HeeJoo noona!”

It was the one thing that always stabbed at my heart.

“But ChilHyun had no choice!”

Lifting a single eyebrow, JaeJoong smiled mockingly. His elbows rested on his knees, and he leaned forward, almost whispering his question.

“Then why did he chose HeeJoo noona over you, so many times?”

How JaeJoong knew all the details of my past with ChilHyun and HeeJoo, I didn’t care. But the fact that he was assuming that ChilHyun had wanted to hurt me, that KimJaeJoong was somewhat better than ChilHyun, that I could not accept.

“Don’t you dare talk like you know ChilHyun! Let me see KimJaeJoong, since you know so much about everyone, did you know that HeeJoo had a brother named HeeSuk?”

The sudden change in JaeJoong’s confident expression answered my question.

“Gosh, then did you know that HeeSuk was ChilHyun’s best friend? How about HeeSuk died of cancer before HeeJoo was ten. What else is there, oh yes, how about HeeSuk made ChilHyun promise to take care of HeeJoo! Do you want to know more?”

An eerie silence filled my room, and seconds before I was going to tell JaeJoong to please leave, the ringing of the front door slamming open filled the house, and suddenly my bedroom door violently opened. I looked worriedly as KiSup stood in my doorway with fury filling his eyes.

“KimJaeJoong, do me a favor, and get out while I have a talk with BoHyung.”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 92

In all honestly, I didn’t want KiSup to leave. ChilHyun and KiSup were joking around, trying not to get sentimental, and I stood next to ChilHyun looking away from KiSup. Above our heads a pleasant voice announced the boarding of KiSup’s plane, and it was his cue to leave. Although I wasn’t looking into his eyes, I knew KiSup was staring back at me. ChilHyun pushed lightly forward, and I stumbled a bit while ChilHyun began to walk away. Keeping my head low, I waited for KiSup to say something.

My eyes focused on a bright lollipop being held out. I lifted my face up, and saw a blurry KiSup in front of me pushing forward the lollipop. I accepted the candy, but fiddled with it until KiSup took it from me and unwrapped it himself. Replacing the lollipop into my hand, he waited until I began to place the sweet into my mouth.

“Why you crying?”

I wiped the tears from my face, and uncomfortably looked away.

“I’m not.”

“Then what’s that, just random water that comes out of your eyes, or is it eye boogers?”

Smiling, I nodded, and KiSup laughed, handing me a handkerchief from his pocket. Gladly accepting, I wiped my eyes and continued to suck on my lollipop.

“KiSup ah…”

KiSup’s large brown eyes brightly looked at me, and he lifted his eyebrows in concern. I tried to say something, but there were no words that could possibly describe how thankful I was towards him. Taking a step forward, I hugged him, lollipop still in my mouth. KiSup’s hands wrapped tightly around my waist, and I knew we were on the same level.

“We’re friends right?”

Tears streaming down my face I nodded into his shoulder. I wanted to say something, anything, but the words just wouldn’t leave my lips.

“Next time we see each other, lets start as friends, and keep it that way so I don’t have to run away to New York again.”

KiSup pushed me forward, and held me arm lengths away. His comforting hand patted me on the head before lightly pushing me a few steps back towards where ChilHyun was standing. Walking back, ChilHyun merely stood silently, watching his foot rubbing at some invisible mark on the ground.

“Hey, SuhBoHyung, AnChilHyun, I’m leaving now. You two better not fight any more.”

The only person that knew nothing about me, still didn’t know me, yet remained by my side till the very end. When there was no one else to cry with, KiSup remained within my grasp, and every time a tear was shed he was right next to me holding out a piece of candy. Destiny.

“Shut the he.ll up LimKiSup. Get your as.s on the plane, and don’t ever come back. The further away you are from BoHyung, the better.”

Although ChilHyun’s words were harsh, his tone said otherwise. His faced lifted up sharply as his bangs cleared away from his eyes. I was staring at him, wondering what he was going to say, but he shoved me away, causing me to stop my body from falling on the ground. Just as I straightened up from looking like a complete fool in front of the passing by travelers, my ears perked up at ChilHyun’s soft voice.

“Thanks…”

With a cheeky smile plastered on his face, KiSup punched ChilHyun lightly, and walked over towards me.

“BoHyung ah, if ChilHyun ever mistreats—“

“LimKiSup, isn’t your plane leaving?”

Unexpected, but none the less comforting, KiSup hugged both ChilHyun and me, and the three of us held each other in a big bear hug. Everyone passing by must have thought the three of us were long time friends.

“You two better name one of your kids after me!”

With that last demand, KiSup ran into the gate exactly the same way he ran into my life. As always, KiSup entered with a smile, and left with the same smile. The world was a better place because of him, and on such a big world, there was a couple that were a lot better, because of him, and I was thankful.

By the time ChilHyun dropped me off at home, the sun had long disappeared, and my watch read almost 11PM. The entire bus ride, I comfortably slept on ChilHyun’s shoulder while he looked out at the passing by buildings and apartments. Finding no need to fill the silence between us, we walked hand in hand enjoying every second of silence as we took synchronized steps.

“AnChilHyun!”

We both stopped at the slurred outburst from a bench in front of my apartments. My hands tightened around ChilHyun’s nervously, and I found myself praying to God that ChilHyun would give me no reasons to cry that night.

“HeeJoo yah…”

The instant I heard ChilHyun’s voice quavering, I began to feel the anger boiling within me. There was no way I was going to let HeeJoo be the reason tears fell from my eyes. Up till that very day I had lived being a strong person, BaekHeeJoo wouldn’t bring me down.

“Hyunnie yah, did you forget already?”

ChilHyun asked the question I had wanted to blurt out.

“Forget what?”

HeeJoo’s unstable steps brought her just a meter away from us. As she physically got nearer, the threat that she carried with her penetrated between ChilHyun, and me. Keeping my eyes steady, I looked at HeeJoo who laughed mockingly at me.

“You promised! You promised you would be there for me!”

“BaekHeeJoo, I think you had a little too much to—“

As ChilHyun spoke I thought he would let my hand go, but the entire time he held onto it, strengthening his grasp whenever he felt mine weakening. Unable to see us together, HeeJoo angrily pulled ChilHyun’s hands away from mine. Surprised, and angry, ChilHyun lightly pushed HeeJoo away causing her to stumble to the ground in her drunken state.

Fire burning in her eyes, but only to be outlined by sadness, HeeJoo began to cry, as she looked accusingly at ChilHyun. I didn’t know if I should push ChilHyun forward to help her, or to congratulate him.

“Hyunnie, you liar! You promised! Before HeeSuk oppa died, you promised him you would take care of me! You promised him you would always be there for me! HeeSuk oppa made you promised, and you promised!”

Completely lost, I watched ChilHyun taking slow steps towards HeeJoo, and kneeling down beside her. Wiping away HeeJoo’s endless amount of tears, I let my eyes rest on ChilHyun’s back. Why was it that it was ChilHyun’s backside that always greeted me, while it was HeeJoo’s face that taunted me.

“HeeSuk hyung…was much of a brother for me, as he was to you. I promised him that…I would take care of you…but HeeJoo yah…I love BoHyung…and I know I promised HeeSuk hyung that I would take care of you but…”

“NO! Hyunnie yah, no! You promised HeeSuk oppa! Before he died, he made you promise to always—“

For the first, and last time, I saw before my very eyes, AnChilHyun crying. Walking away from a frantic HeeJoo, ChilHyun took weary steps towards me. Stopping him, HeeJoo bawled while desperately grabbing onto ChilHyun’s left arm. Still looking straight at me, ChilHyun made his final decision.

“HeeJoo yah, I know HeeSuk hyung wouldn’t want me to feel this way…so…I’m going to take care of you still…but I’m still going to love BoHyung…”

With that, HeeJoo’s hand dropped off, ChilHyun took one step forward, and suddenly I was holding him as his face fell lifelessly into my shoulder. Grasping him as if it were our last seconds together I cried, knowing ChilHyun was crying too.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner…why did you make me doubt you…why didn’t you tell me…”

“But you know now…so don’t ever doubt how important you are in my life.”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 93

Out of the many times I had seen KiSup, not once had I seen him this angry. I didn’t need him to say anything more to know that he was fuming. His normally playful eyes were lit with fire, and for the first time, I was truly scared of LimKiSup.

“KiSup ah, what’s wrong?”

Ignoring my worried question, KiSup turned to JaeJoong instead.

”KimJaeJoong, I’ll tell you later, but for now I need to talk to BoHyung.”

Earnest yet stern, KiSup waited for some kind of a response from JaeJoong, but then nodded in thanks when JaeJoong got up and silently exited the room. When the door was closed, KiSup began to pace my room unable to say what was on his mind. My eyes followed him as he stiffly walked back and forth.

“I’m going to get some water to cool me down. Don’t move.”

It was probably not the best time to offer him some candy.

KiSup exited my room quietly closing the door behind him. Within seconds JaeJoong walked right back in, obviously worried about the unusual atmosphere of KiSup and me. He looked at the closed door, and raised an eyebrow. I answered the best way I could.

“I have no clue.”

“Do you…do you want me to stay?”

I smiled sadly, and shook my head no.

“It’s okay. Go home, we’ll um…well can we talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah, if you need me just call alright?”

I nodded, and JaeJoong worriedly opened the door, only to find KiSup walking back in with a half full glass of water. JaeJoong gave a suspicious look towards KiSup, in which KiSup rolled his eyes in reply.

“You’ll find out in good time kiddo.”

Before JaeJoong could retaliate, KiSup pushed JaeJoong out, and locked my door. Once again he paced my room, pulling out a piece of candy from his pocket, and unwrapping it into his mouth. After a long silence of a good two or three minutes, KiSup finally sat down at the computer seat that JaeJoong was seated in earlier.

“So, why are you so worked up today?”

“Tell me how, and why you broke up with ChilHyun.”

The sudden question startled me. I stared at KiSup blankly, and laughed lightly. Annoyed by my brush off, KiSup’s voice slightly dropped an octave lower.

”I’m not joking BoHyung. Tell me why you two broke up. Tell me how in the world two people I thought would last forever, broke up? Come on, amuse me.”

Was KiSup playing some sick joke one me?

“What are you talking about—“

“TELL ME HOW YOU TWO BROKE UP! TELL ME WHY, HOW, WHEN!”

I jumped up at KiSup’s thundering voice. Startled, and scared, I looked at KiSup quite confused, while KiSup apologetically buried his face in his hands as he frustratingly grunted loudly. Looking up, KiSup took in a deep breath and tried again.

“BoHyung, I want you to tell me what happened with ChilHyun, and you. From what I remember, I left the two of you as a happy, lovey dovey, face sucking couple.”

There wasn’t much to say. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Then when I come back, I find out that you two broke up. I leave all the way to New York, because I know you and AnChilHyun are going to probably end up getting married, but I come back to find out that you guys broke up?! So, tell me what happened.”

Looking away, I grabbed for a teddy bear from the base of my bed, and hugged it tightly. KiSup’s endless questions were starting to make me nervous. Why did he want to bring back painful memories?

“It’s not important. All you need to know is that ChilHyun and I broke—“

“It is important! It’s da.mn important!”

“WHY?!”

I couldn’t handle it anymore. This is how it always was. No matter how much I tried to forget, how hard I tried to put it in the back of my mind, how hard I tried not to let it affect me any longer…I couldn’t…and it still controlled my life…he still controlled my life…

“Because you still cry over him! Because you still can’t let him go!”

“I loved him KiSup! I still love him!”

”Then go find him. Then make it work.”

A knife jabbed through my heart with KiSup’s last comment. I sat on my bed, staring at KiSup with tears streaming down my eyes. This wasn’t like KiSup to hurt me like this. To ask the questions that would pain me the most.

“It’s over! There’s no more BoHyung and ChilHyun! Even if I wanted it back, I can’t have it back, so just drop it!”

“Tell me why not. Why are you doing this to yourself BoHyung…”

KiSup got up from his seat and sat down at the edge of my bed. His hands lifted up, and he held my face in his warmth. His pupils penetrating deep into mine, he looked at me sadly, trying to not to cry.

“KiSup ah, ChilHyun and I are over…”

“Tell me why BoHyung. Tell me why you two are over.”

Crying into KiSup’s hands, I looked at him with an aching in my eyes, and I already knew what he was trying to get at with all of this.

“Because we…because we…”

“BoHyung ah…how come you never told me HeeJoo tried to commit suicide?”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 94

Although it was almost summer, that particular day the sky was filled with dark clouds threatening to pour rain any second. Avoiding the weather, ChilHyun and I walked the streets holding hands, and trying to forget the HeeJoo incident from the night before. Headed in no particular destination, we ended up walking along the Blank River.

ChilHyun stared straight ahead focusing on nothing but the sky. I, on the other hand, couldn’t seem to remove my eyes from his face. It was the first time I really analyzed ChilHyun’s face, and I couldn’t believe how unbelievably handsome he could be.

His bangs always were falling into his eyes, shadowing how deep and dark they really were. Soaked up in whatever he was going through his mind, ChilHyun didn’t notice my eyes looking into his blank ones. Dark and mysterious were two perfect words that described his stare.

“Why are you staring at me?”

Surprised at his question, I looked away, but ended up looking back up at him, only to see him still staring straight ahead. ChilHyun must really have eyes on the side of his head. Somehow, even though he wasn’t looking at me, he always knew when I was staring at him. It was actually sort of freaky sometimes.

“Just because.”

Stopping, ChilHyun turned to face me, and began to intently stare into my eyes. Obviously uncomfortable, I quickly moved my eyes towards a group of kids playing tag. Although I wasn’t looking straight into ChilHyun’s face, I could still feel his stare. I began to walk away when ChilHyun lightly pulled me back, and held my face while he stared at me.

“Stop it.”

“It’s annoying isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“So why do you do it then?”

“I’m going to punch you if you don’t stop staring me.”

ChilHyun’s hands immediately dropped from my face as he walked away from me like nothing had happened. I chased after him, and quickly entwined my arm around his. Obviously surprised at my action, ChilHyun stopped and placed his large hand on my forehead.

“Are you sick?”

Rolling my eyes in exaggeration, I slapped away ChilHyun’s hand, and meekly smiled at him. He lifted an eyebrow questioning what I wanted to say. Lost over the fact that I, SuhBoHyung, was taking an afternoon stroll along a river with none other than AnChilHyun, amused me, and even brought a deep settled warming sensation at the bottom of my stomach.

“Are we really dating?”

ChilHyun laughed heartily at my earnest question, and began to pull me along as he started up his stroll again.

“No we’re just playing pretend. What do you think?”

I once again stopped, causing ChilHyun to stop too. Exasperated with our many stop and go’s, ChilHyun sat down along the cement steps that led down to the river. He leaned back into the steps, and locked his hands behind his head. Sitting down next to him, I rested my face into my bent knees.

“ChilHyun ah, who would have believed that the two of us would end up dating.”

“I would have.”

As much as I didn’t want to show how happy that answer made me feel, there was no way I could keep my smile to myself. I began to lean back, and was just about to let my head rest into my hands when ChilHyun pushed away my hands, and instead placed his arm out. Letting my head rest into his arm, I looked up at the dark clouds above us.

“ChilHyun ah…”

My voice trailed off, unaware of how to ask him my question.

“You want to ask me about HeeSuk hyung don’t you.”

If someone asked me why I liked AnChilHyun, one of my answers would be because somehow, as mismatch of a couple as we were, somehow we complimented each other. He knew what I was thinking, and he understand how I felt, although he didn’t always express it the right way.

“I mean if you don’t want to talk about it then that’s—“

“Doesn’t bother me. What do you want to know?”

Although I didn’t realize it till that second, ChilHyun always shared with me as much as he could, and whenever he didn’t tell me everything, it was usually to protect me. Everything ChilHyun did, and does, seems to be thought out from every possible direction. He cared a lot more than I knew, but slowly I was starting to realize that deep within his conceited prickish attitude, he really cared for me, probably a lot more than I knew.

“Were you two close?”

Telling by his tone, I knew ChilHyun was smiling.

”Inseparable. HeeSuk hyung and I were closer than real brothers. HeeSuk hyung was the sibling I never had, and I was the little brother he always wished for.”

“Was it hard?”

“What?”

“You know…the whole ordeal with…well—“

“At the time, I was too young to really understand cancer. I just knew that HeeSuk hyung was really sick, and that he might die.”

“How old were you?”

“HeeJoo and I were six, and HeeSuk hyung would have been eight. All three of us were really young, but I still remember HeeSuk hyung telling me everyday, that I would have to take good care of HeeJoo. When I think about it now, I really wonder how HeeSuk hyung could put aside the fact that he was dying, and constantly remind me to take care of HeeJoo. I guess when you know you only have so much time on Earth, your whole point of view changes.”

Here he was, eleven years after HeeSuk’s death, and the clearly audible hurt in ChilHyun’s voice surprised me. His voice was just as strong as any other day, but there was a deeply inscribed pain at the end of each of his words.

“AnChilHyun get up.”

I rose from the ground, and held out my hand for ChilHyun to grab. He slapped away my hand and lifted himself up, and looked at me like I was crazy. Clearly our heights didn’t match, so I took one step up, and looked deep into ChilHyun’s always blank eyes, and unlike myself, smiled shyly away.

“Hold me for just a minute.”

Seemingly disgusted at my request, ChilHyun turned around to walk away, but as I dejectedly watched his back about to take a step down, he turned back around, and rolled his eyes. Although the clouds were covering the sun, as ChilHyun’s arms wrapped perfectly around my body, I couldn’t have felt so warm in my entire life.

“BoHyung ah, you have no choice, but to marry me.”

Before I could even ask why, ChilHyun answered my question for me.

“I’m probably the only person that can fit my arms around your thick body.”

“What ever. Who said I’m going to marry you?’

“Do you want to die?”

“Only if you do too.”

ChilHyun left a light kiss on my forehead. Before anything else could happen, or be said, a loud ringing came from ChilHyun’s pocket, as we separated as he pulled out his phone. Looking at the caller ID, ChilHyun cringed, then answered cautiously.

“Hello?”

Although I couldn’t exactly hear what the person was saying, I knew whoever was on the other line, was yelling hysterically. Trying to calm my nerves, I watched as ChilHyun’s face darkened, and all the blood began to quickly evaporate.

He quickly shoved his cellphone into his pocket, grabbed my hand, and began to run. As our pace fastened, ChilHyun managed to yell out in between breaths, what the dark clouds had been warning us the entire day.

“HeeJoo is trying to commit suicide!”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 95

My world did a few 360’s before I was able to look back into KiSup’s glassy eyes. Glassy due to tears, or glassy due to anger, I did not know. At a loss for words, I stared blankly at KiSup unable to answer his question, or maybe it was a demand. Drops of tears slid down my face, landing loudly onto my lap.

“I didn’t know you knew…”

Jumping off his seat, causing me to edge away from him, I looked away as KiSup paced my room unable to keep still. The heavy sound of his breathing worried me, and telling from his expression, he was trying his hardest not to yell.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

I looked up at KiSup standing by my computer desk. His face was beginning to flush a bright red due to the heat his anger was causing. I remained silent while KiSup frustratingly ran both his hands through his fading violet hair.

“So?”

My eyes wandered towards my digital clock on the bed stand. I grabbed for a tissue, and wiped away my tears, that continued to pour out. The sound of KiSup sighing in exasperation echoed in my ears.

“You…you had left KiSup, and I didn’t want to…”

“Didn’t want to what BoHyung? Huh?”

KiSup’s patience was wearing out rapidly, and my protective layer within my mind, was being drilled through. Threatened, worried, scared, I looked up at KiSup with shaking eyes.

“KiSup ah…can we talk about this some—“

“NO! Do you know how I feel right now?! Do you think you’re the only one that’s always hurting?! How come you don’t see anyone but yourself?! What about me?! What about HoHyung?! What about your parents?! What about JaeJoong?!”

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…but sometimes I don’t realize anything about anyone else…KiSup ah…sometimes it hurts so much…it hurts so much I can’t breath, and when it’s in your soul, when that kind of pain is so deeply rooted in your soul…you can’t see anything…”

The long avoided tears dropped one at a time from KiSup’s light brown eyes. Desperately, KiSup fell down in front of me, kneeling at the bedside, while taking a hold of my hands. What I had kept a secret to help him, in the end was what was causing him the most pain.

“SuhBoHyung, why did I go to New York?”

I didn’t want to answer him, and KiSup was aware of this too. Unable to look away from KiSup’s dying eyes, I merely stayed frozen, and cried while KiSup’s tears stabbed at my heart.

“I left, because I didn’t want to feel any more unnecessary feelings towards you. I left because I knew whenever you cried ChilHyun would be there to make things better. I left for you…”

“I know KiSup—“

KiSup’s sharp and accusing voice overpowered mine. I thought being separated from ChilHyun was hard enough, but to have to deal with KiSup’s pain too... Frustrated I slid off the side of my bed and collapsed onto the ground.

“If you knew then why didn’t you tell me! Why didn’t you call me! Why didn’t you come to me?! Why do I have to find out about everything through HoHyung, a good fu.cking two years later?! Even after two years, why are you still like this! Why are you still—“

“I don’t know! I don’t know! You tell me! Why am I like this?! After two years, why do YOU still let me affect you like this?! LimKiSup, you tell me!”

Sitting on the ground, breathing heavily, both KiSup and I stared at each other, knowing the answers for both our questions. Both crying, both angry, both helpless, we sat the exact same tears falling, thinking the exact same things, and feeling the exact same pains.

“It hurts, KiSup…”

“I know.”

“Sometimes, it hurts so much there’s nothing I can do but sit and cry. I want to call out to my parents, to HoHyung, to anyone. It’s as if I can’t breathe and I want to scream out to someone, begging for help…but it hurts so much there’s nothing I can do….so…I just sit there and cry and wait…wait for it to stop…but…it never stops forever…it stops just enough for me to continue on living…remembering…”

“You still love him…?”

My eyes settled on a shoebox shoved into the corner of my room. Visible and within site, yet neglected. I looked at the protected memories, and cried harder as my body began to feel the affect that he still had on me.

“He was my first love….sometimes I scared myself, wondering if he’ll be my last one too.”

An unexpected warmth filled my body, and I found myself letting lose all the tears that I was holding back. Sobbing into KiSup’s shoulder, I held desperately onto him for support. With each loud outcry KiSup tightened his grip.

“I didn’t even get to tell him I loved him for the last time…”

“I’m sure he knew.”

Suddenly something clicked in my mind, and things began to make perfect sense, or maybe it made no sense at all, and that’s why it made sense. Of course it all made sense, KiSup could help me. He was always able to help me.

“KiSup ah.”

KiSup’s red eyes looked at me with slight surprise. I smiled at him and wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. Throwing the tissue box at KiSup, I got up from the ground with a great idea.

“Lets go find ChilHyun.”

Startled at my suggestion, KiSup rose from the ground too, and looked at me as if I was crazy. His bewildered look instinctively disappeared, and suddenly he began to look at me with…sadness? Or was it pity?

“SuhBoHyung, listen to me.”

I wasn’t sure what KiSup was going to say, but I knew I didn’t want to hear it. I took a step back, and shook my head no. I didn’t want to hear it. No, I wasn’t going to hear it. Like a child, I covered my ears and began to desperately sing the national anthem. Shouting it, I closed my eyes shut, but suddenly my hands were forced away from my ears. I looked into KiSup’s eyes, begging for him not to say what he was going to say. Struggling to free my wrists from KiSup’s firm grasp, I began to scream anything that came into mind.

“I don’t want to hear it! I won’t hear it! It’s not true!”

“SUHBOHYUNG, CHILHYUN IS DEAD!”

I took steps back, wanting to get away. Leaning against the wall I fell to the ground, and looked up at KiSup who was once again crying. I shook my head no, because there was no way that could be true. No he was lying. No there was no way ChilHyun could be…

“No KiSup, you heard wrong. That’s true. ChilHyun just…we just…broke up. No, ChilHyun’s not dead, we’re just—“

“Listen to me! ChilHyun fell off the school roof top trying to save HeeJoo! You were standing right there when he fell! You saw him pushing HeeJoo over, and falling! You were there!”

“CHILHYUN ISN’T DEAD!”

Frantically opening the door, I ran out of my room, out of my house…outside where everything could be cleared up.

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 96

With no time to waste, ChilHyun began to disappear from my sight, even though I was running up two steps at a time. Echoing off the walls, I could hear the rooftop door slamming open, and within seconds I was standing in the doorway looking straight ahead at HeeJoo’s backside, on the other side of the rooftop railing.

“HeeJoo yah…”

ChilHyun’s quivering voice began to frighten me as well. Unable to move, or breathe, I remained in the doorway as ChilHyun took steady steps nearer towards the railing. Rapidly turning her head, HeeJoo stared at ChilHyun with vacant eyes that shed endless amounts of tears.

“Don’t come near me Hyunnie!”

Although ChilHyun was a good couple of feet in front of me, I could feel the sweat drops rolling down the side of his face, and his beating heart that threatened to stop any second. Unable to control my shaking hands, I grabbed onto the handles of the rooftop door, and stared helplessly, as ChilHyun went nearer and nearer to HeeJoo.

“HeeJoo yah, come here and talk to me. Climb back over, and lets talk this out.”

“No! I tried Hyunnie, I swear to God I tried, but Hyunnie yah…I can’t. It has to be you…it has to be you…”

“OKAY! ANYTHING YOU WANT HEEJOO, JUST CLIMB BACK OVER!”

ChilHyun’s hand’s desperately hung loose in front of HeeJoo, but playing with life, HeeJoo scooted even further away from ChilHyun. My heart stopped beating, causing me to fight for air, as I watched ChilHyun climbing over the railing himself. I wanted to scream no, I wanted to stop him, but watching ChilHyun putting his life in as much danger as HeeJoo’s was, my body froze, unable to even open my mouth.

“Hyunnie, get off! Stop it!”

“THEN YOU STOP! DO YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING?!”

HeeJoo’s frantic voice, shook with each word, and there was obvious fear that filled her entire body. All this because she couldn’t let ChilHyun go…all this…because ChilHyun and I loved each other…all this because…

My body fell to the ground, and I kneeled down at the doorway of the rooftop. Staring helplessly as my first love played with his precious life, I knew that instant, there was no way ChilHyun and I could love each other…not until HeeJoo allowed it.

“HeeJoo yah…”

Startled at my voice, HeeJoo turned to look at me. Down on my knees, I began to plead, with tears streaming down my face. Meeting eyes with the girl I used to call my best friend, I saw the hatred, and anger filling in HeeJoo’s eyes.

“IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU…IT IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU, SUHBOHYUNG!!!!!!”

“HeeJoo, I’m begging you…please…come back over the railing. I’m sorry…I’m sorry for taking ChilHyun away from you. I’m sorry for everything. I’ll do whatever you want me to…just don’t do this…please.”

Someone in my position, probably would have lied to HeeJoo. Told her whatever she wanted to hear, but I wasn’t lying. I meant every word I said. There was no way I could love ChilHyun freely knowing my selfishness for him, had the power to kill someone.

“HeeJoo yah, I’m sorry…I was wrong.”

Watching ChilHyun holding onto the railing, single droplets of tears falling down his face, begging for HeeJoo to climb over…every unbearable second, I watched, and prayed that there was a miracle.

“How am I supposed to believe that?! Hyunnie, you didn’t even keep HeeSuk oppa’s promise! You broke your promise to me, to HeeSuk oppa! How am I supposed to believe you! I…”

When one sees someone so desperate, so pathetic, so sad…your heart reaches out for them, no matter how bad, how evil that person is. You realize how heartbreaking it is to be that person. To be unable to conceive emotions normal people take for granted. To decide whether you live or die, all around someone that doesn’t love you the way you love them…

“BaekHeeJoo! I’m begging. For God’s sake, please climb over the rail!”

My heart shattered as ChilHyun’s normally strong and stable voice, cracked and shook as he held out one hand towards HeeJoo. Anger, hatred, sadness, and sorrow filled my body, as I watched HeeJoo stubbornly looking away from ChilHyun’s out stretched hand.

“How can you say you love him! How can say you love him!”

Shaking from head to toe, I screamed out towards HeeJoo.

“Look at him! BaekHeeJoo look at this AnChilHyun you love so much! Look at his eyes! The AnChilHyun I know is strong, confident, and doesn’t know how to shed a single tear! But right now, he’s begging, crying, and…and…how can you say you love him when you cause him this much pain…how can you…”

“SuhBoHyung, go wait downstairs!”

My eyes met with ChilHyun’s, and I knew we were both hurting as much as humanely possible. Was it so wrong to love each other…

“How?! How am I supposed to wait downstairs when you’re risking your life like this! How am I supposed to wait downstairs when someone is trying to die partly because of me! I can’t go…no, I won’t go!”

“SUHBOHYUNG!”

“I WON’T GO—HEEJOO! HEEJOO YAH!”

Her eyes deeply closed, HeeJoo let one hand go, but ChilHyun quickly grabbed onto her freed hand. Startled, HeeJoo opened up her eyes, and stared at ChilHyun. Although short, their eyes met, and I could sense that ChilHyun was tightening his grip on her hand.

“I’m sorry…I promise this will be the end HeeJoo…I’ll never let you feel this way again…look at me…”

Three of us crying, all for different reasons. Three of us hurting, all for different reasons. Three of us desperate…all for the same reason…to be able to love…to be loved…

“Hyunnie…promise me…promise me you’ll never leave me again…promise me—“

“I promise. I’ll only stay by your side. So please…”

Finally, my heart began to beat normally. I watched as HeeJoo let go of ChilHyun’s hand and grasped for the railing, but her piercing scream stopped my breathing, and half expecting to see BaekHeeJoo falling, I raced up, but to my utter surprise, I saw ChilHyun pushing HeeJoo, causing her to flip over the rail. My mind screamed as HeeJoo fell lifelessly a few feet in front of me, unconscious from the impact of ChilHyun’s shove, and her body hitting the floor.

Then from the corner of my eyes, I saw ChilHyun smiling at me. My body stopped pumping blood, and my heart dropped, and within seconds, I saw ChilHyun’s hand slipping from the metal railing, as his face disappeared over the edge.

Why did it take so long to run the few steps to the railing! Why did it take so long to move my feet! Why was time going by so slowly! Why was my heart threatening to stop…why…

The world came to a complete halt. Busy cars stopped dead still in the streets, the noise of the city died down within seconds, and my life was put on hold. Stretching out my hands, I placed them on the railing, and held on tightly. I didn’t want to look down…I couldn’t…but I had to…

It took too long for my eyes to make out what they saw. Before I could focus on anything, blankness filled my head, and I closed my eyes unwillingly. This was just a bad dream…I was bound to wake up any second.

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 97

Running against the wind, I let my tears stream down my face as I quickened my pace furthering the distance from KiSup. I looked back, and found that KiSup was no longer running after me. Just as I turned forward, my body collided fully with someone I hadn’t seen. Falling painfully onto the ground, I opened my shut eyes, and rubbed my knee rapidly. Looking for the person I had accidentally run into, my eyes caught onto a passed out guy about a feet away. Shocked, I pushed my aching body from the cement, and rushed over.

“Are you okay—JaeJoong ah!”

Seeing that he wasn’t opening his eyes, I slapped him lightly along his smooth skin, but got no reaction. Why did this scene seem so familiar…why did looking at JaeJoong lifeless like this hurt me so much?

“JaeJoong ah, open your eyes. Are you okay?!”

My hands cupped his face, and the warmth coming from his skin comforted my frightful thoughts. Suddenly a sharp pain filtered my mind, and the long locked up memories began to spread like a virus.

“ChilHyun ah, get up. Wake up…wake…wake up…please. AnChilHyun, it’s me, BoHyung! Open your eyes! It’s me! Open your eyes! Please!”

Reliving the nightmare, I began to cry as I shook JaeJoong. My mind raced with all kinds of horrid thoughts jarring any ounce of common sense. Frantically, I shook JaeJoong, and let my tears stream down my face onto his.

Just as I blinked my eyes shut, allowing another set of tears to fall, I felt a pair of hands grasping onto my waist, and right when I opened my eyes, I felt the same pull the first time I met him. Our eyes locking, my soul began to disappear into his mysteriously dark eyes. Although a stinging sensation pricked at my eyes, I continued to stare into his eyes, knowing the longer I stared, the more I lost my mind.

“ChilHyun ah!”

I threw my body into him, and as I held him like it was our last second together, I realized that his body stood stiff and unresponsive. Cautiously, I let him go, and the minute I looked at his face, I realized I had made a big mistake.

Pushing himself off the ground, JaeJoong brushed off his pants, and watched with his hawk like eyes, as I got up too. Wiping my eyes, I dared not look at JaeJoong, afraid of what he would say, the way he would look at me, the hurt that was probably plastered on his face. Ever so slowly, I lifted my eyes up, to meet up with those so similar, and dark eyes.

“SuhBoHyung.”

He’s calling my full name…

“Yeah?”

“Are you drunk?”

Blinking my eyes open and shut a few times, I shook my head no. At times like this, when JaeJoong lowered his voice, and looked into my eyes through his falling bangs, I felt like the smallest being on Earth. He had a way of giving off the feeling that he was towering over you. I hated it, but I knew I probably deserved it.

“Then tell me what my name is.”

Was it a trick question?

“JaeJoong.”

“What’s my full name.”

“KimJaeJoong.”

An amused grin brightened up his face, and I tried smiling, but JaeJoong’s smile disappeared, and I once again cowered underneath him. Unlike himself, JaeJoong took a step forward and lifted my face up by my chin.

“When you look at me, who do you see?”

“I see you, KimJae—“

“No you don’t!”

Startled by his loud outburst, I jumped back, causing JaeJoong’s hand to lifelessly to fall down his side. We stared at each other, and I wasn’t sure what JaeJoong wanted to say to me, but I knew what I needed to say to him. I knew what I needed to do, and I knew what I needed to say, the way I needed to act…yet no matter how much I knew…how much it needed to be done…my heart told me otherwise.

“SuhBoHyung, my name is KimJaeJoong! I wear a cologne called Issey Miyake, because it smells fresh and clean. My eyes are dark because my father has dark eyes. I go to JoongAng because my father’s business got moved here. I am KimJaeJoong…and nothing in my life correlates with AnChilHyun.”

“I know, and I—“

“No you don’t know! Ask me how much it kills me to be seen as another guy! A guy that you loved! A guy that you still love! Ask me how it feels to love you like this, but only be seen for AnChilHyun and not KimJaeJoong!”

How was I supposed to tell him that I wanted to see KimJaeJoong too? How was I supposed to explain to him that more than him, it was me that wanted to see him for who he was? How was I supposed to make him understand?

“JaeJoong ah…I’m begging you just this—“

“Lets just stop this. This is fu.ckng stupid! No, I am fuc.king stupid! SuhBoHyung, when you see KimJaeJoong, when I hold you in arms and you whisper out my name, when it’s my face you see when you give me those long hopeless stares…when it’s me…when it’s me and not some other guy…then give me a call.”

Angered, frustrated, hurt, lost, and hopeful…JaeJoong turned and began to walk away from me. Tears dripping down my face one by one, I lifted my hand out towards JaeJoong’s disappearing body, and watched as I let him walk out of my life. I wanted to ask him to stay, but that would be selfish. So instead, grasping for someone that wasn’t there, I let him go.

Realizing that I was probably losing the one person that loved me as much as ChilHyun, my mind began to torture me with the inside screams that would never leave my mind. The same screams and pleading that took over the day they tried to tell me that ChilHyun…I couldn’t lose myself like that again…I couldn’t risk it…I had to keep control…yet the last clear thought from the day of ChilHyun’s…the last thought…that lingered in my mind…

They thought I was crazy…my parents…the men…everyone…

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 98

Opening my eyes, the first thing that came into site was the dark clouds that covered the sun. So it was just a bad dream. I was still at the side of the Blank River, laying next to Chil…

As my head turned to the left, I saw a crowd of unfamiliar people surrounding me. Confused, and lost, I looked around, and the noise of the world turned back on as the first sound that hit my eardrums, was crying. Unaware of what to expect my head turned to the other side, and I saw a pair of hands pushing whatever I was laying in. Following the pair of hands up, I realized it was an paramedic. A paramedic…

“Just stay calm dear, you’re in shock right now.”

“Excuse me?”

I turned my head the other direction, and examined where we were. School? I was at school, but no one was in their uniforms, and not only were there students, but random neighborhood people. Some of the students were crying. Then at the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of two paramedics closing shut a body bag…over…

”CHILHYUN AH!”

Jumping off the wheeled stroller, I ran towards the two men covering up a lifeless ChilHyun. Throwing my body down, the two men jumped at my sudden appearance. Within seconds the men tried to lead me away, but I angrily pushed their hands away.

“No, no, wait please! Wait!”

Listening to my frantic request, the men stopped for a second, and removed their gloved hands from my arms. Ever so slowly, I began to look down, and froze the second I saw his face. His eyes were closed, and there was a clam expression on his face as if he was sleeping.

“ChilHyun ah, get up. Wake up…wake…wake up…please. AnChilHyun, it’s me, BoHyung! Open your eyes! It’s me! Open your eyes! Please!”

“He’s dead.”

Angered by the false statement, I glared up at the paramedic standing next to me.

“No he’s not!”

My hands cupped his face, and the warmth coming from his skin comforted my frightful thoughts.
I looked angrily at the paramedics.

”His face is still warm! Feel his face! Feel how warm his face is! How can you put a breathing person into a body bag! What kind of people are you!”

Someone grabbed my arms, and pulled. Threatened, I pulled away and looked at the suddenly hostile paramedics.

“Listen, we can’t—“

“Just one more second. Please just one more second.”

Sighing, the paramedic let my arm go, and I quickly looked back down at a sleeping ChilHyun. Resting my face on his, I closed my eyes, and began to desperately whisper into his ears. I prayed he could hear what I was saying.

“ChilHyun ah, get up please. Open your eyes. They’re trying to take you away, so you need to open your eyes. Please. We love each other don’t we…we’re supposed to be together aren’t we…you need to open your eyes…please…ChilHyun ah please…”

Unable to see clearly due to the tears pouring down my face, I lifted my hand which was stroking his hair. The clearly visible redness to my hand took me by shock, and I screamed at the dripping blood. Unable to control the shaking, I frantically held ChilHyun’s face and did the only thing that came to my mind.

“Wake up! You aren’t dead AnChilHyun! Stop trying to screw with me! Wake up! If you don’t wake up these people can’t help you! They’re just going to say you’re dead, and they won’t be able—“

Two men began to drag me away. They were taking me away from ChilHyun. I began to scream, kick, fight with all the energy left within me.

“LET ME GO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! YOU CAN’T DO—WHY ARE YOU CLOSING THAT! HE’S NOT DEAD! HE’S NOT DEAD! WHAT THE HE.LL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING! MAKE THEM STOP! SOMEONE MAKE THEM STOP! ANCHILHYUN! WAKE UP YOU BAS.TARD! TELL THEM YOU’RE ALIVE! ANCHILHYUN!”

A sharp stab was felt at the bottom of my back, and instantly everything began to turn off. Closing my eyes I thanked God…I thanked God for making the nightmare come to an end.

When I finally started to gain consciousness, unlike my nightmare, everything was calm. With my eyes still closed, I took in a deep scent. A distinctive smell of fresh paint, and medication filled my nose. It wasn’t a favorable scent, but more on the side of sterilization. The kind of smell that was so clean it made your head hurt. Knowing if I continued breathing through my nose, I would throw up I instantly began to breath through my mouth.

My now opened eyes met with a set of semi bright lights shining down on me. Those lights weren’t my normal bedroom lights. Lost, I turned my head to the side, and noticed a vase of flowers next to an unfamiliar bed stand. I sat up, and realized I was in an unfamiliar room. To my surprise, there was an I.V. hooked up to my arm, and I was wearing a hospital gown. A hospital gown…

Just as I was about to get out of my bed, the door across from my bed opened, and the comforting faces of my parents greeted me with sad smiles. Grateful I leaned back into the bed, and waited for my parents to walk over to me.

“How you feeling honey?”

The weak and worn out voice of my Dad surprised me.

“Sort of nauseous, but otherwise I’m okay. Where’s ChilHyun?”

The question brought tears to my mom’s eyes, and she wiped her eyes with a handkerchief she had been holding. I gave my parents a quirked grin, and assumed they were just acting weird, like always.

“BoHyung ah…”

I laughed uncomfortably at my mom’s quivering voice.

”Umma you’re starting to scare me. Where’s ChilHyun? I had this really crappy dream that he died, so I really want to see him. I can’t believe we have to go through all this because of stupid BaekHee—“

“BoHyung ah, ChilHyun…he’s…he’s dead darling.”

“Oh no umma, I’m saying that it was just a bad—“

My dad held comfortingly onto my hand.

“No sweetheart…ChilHyun didn’t make it.”

I felt my heart starting to beat ten times faster, and although I wasn’t crying, my pupils were starting to shake. I stared at my parents for a long time, before I finally opened my mouth to speak.

“Umma, appa, I’ll show you guys ChilHyun isn’t dead. Trust me.”

Lifting myself up, I began to get off the hospital bed, but my dad’s firm hand grasped onto my arm, and he stopped me from getting off.

”BoHyung ah, ChilHyun is dead.”

“Appa, how can you joke about something like that!”

“Your father isn’t joking honey. I know it’s hard to—“

“Appa let me go. I have to go find ChilHyun. It’s as if the whole world thinks he’s dead!”

When my dad wouldn’t let me go, I realized the only way was going to be by force. Sharply pulling my arm out of my dad’s hand I jumped off the bed, and began to run for the door. Unfortunately my dad caught me before I reached the handle, and held me in a bear hug.

“APPA LET ME GO! LET ME GO! I HAVE TO GO FIND HIM! HE’S NOT DEAD! HE WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME LIKE THIS! I KNOW HE’S NOT DEAD!”

My mother was frantically sobbing, and I could feel my dad’s hot tears dropping onto my own face. I continued to struggle to get free, and began to struggle even more when two men dressed in white ran into the room. Within seconds they had me pinned to my bed.

“APPA PLEASE! I HAVE TO GO FIND CHILHYUN! WHAT IF THEY TAKE HIM THINKING HE’S DEAD! APPA! UMMA! PLEASE!”

Just as one of the men’s hands let go of my arm, I tried to raise it, but realized I was strapped down. Turning my head right and left, I realized my whole body was strapped down to the bed.

They thought I was crazy…my parents…the men…everyone…

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 99

JaeJoong’s backside was almost fully out of my site. Seconds away from him completely disappearing into the horizon, I realized…I couldn’t let him go like this. Not KimJaeJoong. KimJaeJoong was someone I had to hold onto. KimJaeJoong…was someone I needed in my life…more than anyone.

I began to sprint towards JaeJoong’s furthering outline, and realized that he was no longer disappearing, but becoming clearer to me. It seemed strange, for the first time it was JaeJoong walking away, and me chasing after him. I smiled to myself, and closed my eyes for a slight second, taking in the warmth of the setting sun. Was this how it felt…to be alive?

“JaeJoong ah!”

Slightly hurt that JaeJoong ignored my call, I ran faster, and tried to get his attention again.

“KimJaeJoong!”

This time he stopped. He didn’t turn around, but he stopped. I continued to run, more and more excited that JaeJoong had stopped, and was waiting for me to catch up. When I was just inches away from his backside, I stopped and leaned on my knees, panting for breathe. Still with his back to me, I stared at JaeJoong, and secretly thanked the heavens that he had stopped.

“I’m—sorry—“

There was no reply from him, and I didn’t really expect one either. Looking at his back, I just continued to talk. I needed to tell him everything. He needed to know, and I was ready to open up. Everything he said was right…everything KiSup said was right…everyone was right…

“I’m sorry for hurting you like this. I’m a stupid bit.ch, I know and I’m sorry.”

From behind him, I grabbed his hand and held it in my mind. Locking my fingers in between his, I held tightly on his although his grip was unusually loose.

“I’ve never admitted it JaeJoong…I’ve never said it with my own mouth…but…”

My eyes began to brim up with tears, for the millionth time that day. Just seconds before they began to fall out, JaeJoong let go of my hand and turned around so he was facing me. The instant I saw his face I began to sob, realizing JaeJoong was crying the whole time he had been walking away from me. Shakily, my hand reached up to his face, scared to touch him. My fingertips traced the outline of his falling tears, and I fell into his arms and held him as tightly as I could.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Do you know how scared I was…that you wouldn’t stop me…that you wouldn’t come back…”

“But I’m here…I stopped you right.”

“Why didn’t you ask me to hurt with you…why have you been hurting by yourself…why didn’t you—“

“I know. I’m sorry. I just…I will. Starting now I will.”

JaeJoong’s hands slid around my waist, and he let his face fall on top of my head. I began to sob, knowing what I wanted to say to him…what I needed to say to him.

“After…after…ChilHyun’s…Chil…ChilHyun’s death…”

The words caught me by surprise, and I tried to pull away, but JaeJoong held on firmly, and I knew…I knew he would never let go.

“After his death…they put me in…they put me in a…in a mental institution…”

Memories of the most horrid two and a half months of my life scarred my mind. My first days there, crying non stop, the first time my parents came to visit and when it was time for them to leave, every single time HoHyung held me and cried with me, and the last five days…

“For two and a half months…they treated me like a crazy person…because I loved him…because I loved him…”

“I’m sorry baby. I didn’t know…”

“I thought I was really going crazy…I thought I would go crazy for real…”

“It’ll never happen again. I’ll be there…always.”

For over thirty minutes, JaeJoong and I stood on the sidewalk unaware of the Earth still turning, the world still going on. All we knew was that we were in each other’s embrace…that it was KimJaeJoong I was holding…that it was KimJaeJoong I was thinking…breathing…seeing…

My body suddenly felt weightless as JaeJoong lifted me up and twirled me around. When he finally let go there was a sigh of relief, and he left a long kiss on my forehead. As I stared into his eyes, the eyes of KimJaeJoong, the corner of my eye saw a speeding truck coming towards us…unable to stop.

My heart stopped. My mind stopped.

Grabbing JaeJoong’s face I smiled as brightly as I could.

“JaeJoong ah, don’t hate me okay?”

Before he could even answer I kissed him and our lips locked, both of us willing and wanting, for the first time. Was this how magnificent it felt to share a kiss? Was this how painfully wonderful it was?

Opening my eyes…I don’t know. How did I know that the truck wasn’t going to brake? How did I know that the truck was losing control? How did I know it was headed right for us?

The screeching noises pierced both our ears, and I knew JaeJoong was turning to look, but unfortunately I was faster.

“I’m sorry!”

With all the strength in my body I shoved JaeJoong as hard as I could, and shut my eyes closed, scared…

Is this how ChilHyun felt? All the energy slowly dissipating from every muscle, all the warmth being sucked out from the deepest darkest corners of your body, the sensation of nothingness. Fluttering my eyes open, I could barely make out the image of JaeJoong crying…yelling…begging? I tried to smile, but it hurt so much to even move my lips to smile. I stared at him, and I realized that his hands were covered with blood…I prayed it was my blood.

I wanted to hear his voice so badly…I wanted to see his face so badly…I wanted to feel him so badly…KimJaeJoong.

Looking past the pain, I wanted to tell him that I was sorry, but I just couldn’t do it. I knew I only had a minute of life left. How I knew I don’t know. I guess it’s true that a person knows when they’re dying.

Why did my last image of JaeJoong have to be such a sad…heartbreaking image? This wasn’t how it was supposed to be…

As my soul was being slowly sucked away, my heart began to break into millions of pieces as JaeJoong’s tears fell like a waterfall onto my face. I didn’t want him to live like me…I wanted to let him know in advance…so he knew…so he could love again…so he wouldn’t hurt as long…

“JaeJoong ah…One day this will no longer be your present, but your past… I love you…”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 100

Had it been days, weeks, or months? How long has it been since they first treated me like I was crazy? I lost count. The other day I asked a nurse if I could write my parents a letter, and they couldn’t trust me with sharp pencils or pens, so they gave me markers. No one knows the torture one endures when the entire world thinks you’re crazy. When it’s just you…when you’re completely alone and there isn’t a single soul that will believe you’re sane. How miserable it is to live life only relying upon yourself…when the only comfort you get is talking to yourself…

I heard the door opening, and it had been so long since I had last given up hope, that I didn’t even bother to see who it was. Within seconds my usual nurse, Mrs. Lee hovered over me with a paper cup of three blue pills. I got up routinely, and swallowed the medication, along with another paper cup filled with lukewarm water.

“So how you feeling today BoHyung?”

Crazy…like everyone else in this building…

That’s what I wanted to say, but I knew better than to make such remarks.

“Fine.”

“Are you still having those nightmares?”

And they thought I was the crazy one, listen to the crap the nurses are talking!

“What nightmares?’

Mrs. Lee lifted her drawn in eyebrows, and merely smiled with an agreeing grin. Every once in awhile Mrs. Lee would ask about dreams, and I had absolutely no clue why. It was as if they were testing me. Tests, I prayed I was passing. I just wanted out.

The whitewashed walls, the smells of sterilized needles, the lights which were meant to calm patients, and the constant reminder of why I was in here. When no one was watching, I would pull the covers over my head and cry. Was it a sin to love someone this much…was it that bad…that they had to punish me like this?

Lying down in my silent room, counting the holes on the ceiling, I saw myself falling into the daily depression. Every time I realized the situation I was stuck in, I fell into a deep depression, which the doctors and nurses took as bad signs, so before the afternoon meeting; I had to get myself out of it. The only thing that made me happy was…thinking of him. I knew it was a forbidden topic…but that was the only reason I was still breathing.

ChilHyun ah…it’s me. BoHyung. Where are you right now? Why did you leave me here by myself? I miss you. I miss you a lot. I don’t know if you can hear me now, but a long time ago I read in a book if you sincerely wish for something, that’ll it’ll come true. Everyday I sit here trying to talk to you, and everyday I find myself waiting for a response, and everyday it’s the same thing. ChilHyun ah, how much longer do I have to endure this? I need you…really badly…

Just as I began to read the Bible, anything to keep myself busy, the door to my room opened again, and I looked back at Mrs. Lee curiously. My eyes checked the clock on the wall, which was protected by tiny metal bars.

“Is there something wrong Mrs. Lee?”

Smiling her always warm, and always comforting simper, Mrs. Lee walked up to my bed and handed out her arm. Happy I was getting out, I grabbed on with a light curtsey. As we walked down the always-frightful hallway, Mrs. Lee led me into the visiting room. Since my parents were here just the other day, I shrieked when I saw HoHyung sitting at a table at the far end of the almost empty visiting area.

Running into HoHyung’s outstretched arms, I held onto him tightly, afraid to let go. Eventually we both sat down, and awkwardly looked down at the table, unable to make eye contact. Ever since I entered the “institution” HoHyung and my relationship drastically did a 180. We were different. He was different, and I was definitely different. The unfamiliar, yet heart warming title of “noona” began to be directed towards me, and if I was thankful to anyone the last few weeks, it had to be towards HoHyung.

“Sorry I didn’t come more often noona. I’m switching schools to the all guy’s school.”

I smiled at HoHyung, impressed that he actually got into the prestigious school.

“You’re talking about the one a few miles up from JoongAng right?”

“Yup. So, how have you been?”

Leaning into the metal table, with the corners padded with safety foam, I gave a quick glance at the security guards guarding the main doors, and then began to whisper.

”I hate this place HoHyung. Seriously, I’m sure they all say that they aren’t crazy, but seriously, I’m not. I think if I have to count my hair and the holes on my ceiling for another week, I seriously will go crazy. How can they expect a person not to go—“

“Noona.”

A worried look crossed HoHyung’s face, and I knew what he had to say couldn’t be good. I was used to those concerned, worried looks whenever he visited me. Honestly, I didn’t want to hear it, but there was no way I was going to cause a scene in front of the security guards.

“SuhHoHyung, if you know it’s something I don’t want to hear, then just don’t tell me at all.”

“Noona, are you dreaming about him?”

Once again, the talks about the dreams…

“No, why?”

“No you are, noona. At night, the nurses have to come into your room because you’re dreaming about him. They told me that you cry for hours…and that you just sit there calling out for him…”

The dryness in my mouth wouldn’t disappear, and I looked at HoHyung with tears surrounding my pupils. As my daily tears ran down my cheeks one at a time, I realized at the very same time, HoHyung was crying along with me.

“HoHyung ah…I want to get out of here…I want to get out…I want to get out…”

“Noona…I know…I know…just…fu.ck. Noona…ChilHyun hyung is—“

“No…please don’t.”

Wiping his eyes with the back of his uniform jacket sleeve, HoHyung’s hand grasped onto mine above the table, and he gave me a pleading look. My brother…SuhHoHyung…my brother who I could never get along with…was sitting across from me…crying with me…for me…because of me…

“Noona, just…we’ll just say…let’s just say that you broke up with ChilHyun hyung. That’s he’s still around. He’ll always be around, but that you guys just broke up. That he’s still living and breathing somewhere. As long as he’s living and breathing and laughing somewhere right? Then it’s not as bad right noona?”

“He is?”

With more tears than me, HoHyung nodded, and held my face in his hands. While kissing me lightly on the forehead, his whispered, barely audible voice filled my ears.

“Noona…you can’t sleep for a few days. Just so that you don’t dream. Try to stay up for a few days. It’ll be hard but you have to do it. That’s the only way they’ll let you out.”

As HoHyung pulled himself away from me he smiled hopefully and gave me the thumbs up. I walked him to the door, and neither one of us wanting to be separated; I began to sob as HoHyung started to walk out.

And that was my escape plan. For five days I remained awake, pretending to sleep. For five miserable days I forced my mind never to rest. For five days I felt crazier than everyone else in the building…but…after five days of torture…they finally released me. The key to my free world…

“BoHyung ah, what about ChilHyun?”

I smiled as brightly as I could to my doctor.

“He’s no longer in my life sir.”

With a sad smile, I picked up my bags and ran out of the building that housed me for the last two and half months. Taking one long last look, I cried in happiness, and turned around running to my waiting family. Both my parents held me with tears streaming down their faces, and once I was done getting use to the unfamiliar embraces of my parents, I turned to HoHyung. As he twirled me in his arms, his kind words of brotherly love attached themselves to my soul reminding me that I could hope for better…

“One day this will no longer be your present, but your past…”

Tainted Memories of Issey Miyake // 101

As darkness filled my body, and the lights of my world turned off, for what seemed like an eternity, I listened to the sounds of a person's heart literally breaking apart into millions of pieces. It was a nightmare I couldn't make myself wake up out of. Was this some form of hell? No matter how much I screamed, and cried, the darkness never turned to light, and the only factor that played throughout my mind or body, I'm not sure which, was the painful cries of the people I loved the most. Although I can't really distinguish exacty who is who, the one person that I constantly remember the most vividly is no other than JaeJoong.

I'm sure if my eyes were open I would be crying...but they aren't. Everything is dark, and they remain that way, and while my mind is filled with the horrifying sorrows of my family and friends, I somehow wonder what it would have been like if I had still been alive. Every second I am trying to wash away these torturosome noises and sounds, sometimes even the light sensation of tears dropping, or someone touching my face, with the thoughts of what it would have been like to be able to lean upon JaeJoong for support...emotionally, and physically.

Those few and rare wishes...hopes...dreams, maybes, is what kept me going. I'm sure even if I couldn't keep going, I would be forced. I couldn't wake up, I couldnt make it stop, so the only choice I had was to learn to deal with it, and make it even slightly bearable. So days...months...years...or maybe it was just seconds, but all that time passed, and somehow I preservered...

Just like the millions of other times where I am toyed with the slight, and yearning, sensations of life, once again I "felt" something. Stuck in the darkness for God knows how long...I felt something. Life...breathe...love?

A tingling took over, and I would have screamed if I could, because a slight beam of light filled me for the first time. Heaven's Gate...finally.

As the light got brighter and brighter, and when it finally engulfed me, images began to clear up, and what I believed to be clouds, turned into a lamp, couch, and a metal bed railing. Confused, wondering if this was a trick by God, I turned my head to the left and to my surprise found a body hunched over the side of the bed with their head resting on my stomach. JaeJoong...

Maybe it was because I hadn't cried in so long, but I wanted to cry, and I was crying, it's just that the tears weren't falling. I raised my hand, and I was immediately surprised by how heavy my hand felt, and how awkward it was to move it. Lifting my hand up to JaeJoong's face, a sharp pain soared into my shoulder blade, and dropped lifelessly back down onto the bed. Putting aside the pain due to the such painful and wishful thoughts of yearning I had for JaeJoong, I lifted my hand up again and carefully maneuvered it to gently touch JaeJoong's soft skin. As if he had been crying, his cheeks burned with heat, and for the first time...I knew I was still alive.

My hand rest on JaeJoong's face, and out of nowhere his hand lifted up and and clasped over mine. Surprised, I looked at his face, waiting for him to open his eyes, and ever so slowly, they did, and instantly a look of surprise filled his eyes. He bolted up and shuffled to get closer. I smiled at him, and JaeJoong grabbed my face in his hands, and without a second thought, I found myself locked in a kiss. I could honestly say, it felt like a first kiss.

Telling by the intensity of JaeJoong's kiss, I knew he had suffered...and waited for this moment. Although my eyes were closed I felt his tears streaming down his face, mixing into mine. It was as if this was what I had been waiting for, and no matter how much I wanted it to last forever, I knew it wouldn't, and to confirm that, JaeJoong slowly pulled away, leaving me lingering for more.

"...How long have I been..."

A sad smile overcame JaeJoong's flawless face, and he rested his right hand onto my cheek.

"Too long."

He pulled out his cellphone from his pocket, and held it in front of me. The first thing I noticed was the faded, almost completely disappeared, sticky picture we had taken not long ago. I carefully took the cell phone into my hand, and flipped it opening as the date flashed before my eyes.

It had been a year and a half...

Covering my mouth as I gasped out loud, I looked at the cell phone again to confirm I was seeing right, then turned to look at JaeJoong. Now the tears were falling.

"You...you...waited for me? You...waited for me...for this long?"

Then I began to notice it. JaeJoong's face reflected a more mature, an older, and much more handsome man, instead of the high school senior I had remebered him as. His thumb wiped away my tears, and he pulled a frame from the side of the hospital bed. Carefully placing the frame into my hand, I brought it upwards, and surprised, and proud, looked at JaeJoong with wide eyes.

"We go to the same college now?"

JaeJoong smiled shyly, and unexpectly, he leaned in and held me, resting his head into my neck. I felt his constant breathing along my skin, and I couldn't express how thankful I was for that moment. My hands resting n his hair, slowly carressing it, loving the fact that i could feel the sense of touch...I pulled him in closer, and closed my eyes. Taking a deep breath in the scent of Issey Miyake filled my body, and the first thought that filled my mind as the cooling scent floated into my body, was the thought that I was smelling KimJaeJoong.

"I thought about you...and I kept feeling and hearing you and-"

Pulling away from, JaeJoong smiled gently, and brushed away some bangs from my face.

"Everytime I would sit here alone at night...I would talk to you, hold your hand...and sometimes...you would cry..."

So I was crying...

"JaeJoong ah...we're staring over right?"

"No, we're continuing."

And that is how I began the process of erasing my tainted memories of Issey Miyake.