1. BERNADETTE MATTOX -- Our investigation has revealed that Rick Pitino will throw his full support behind his disciple, Bernadette Mattox, if he decides to turn down the Loserville position.  Mattox is currently the head coach of the University of Kentucky Lady Cats.  Jurich is said to really like this little lady's "spunk".  And she meets the most important requirement -- she has ties to Big Brother which increases her appeal to Jurich greatly.  If Pitino says "no", look for Jurich to make a hard push to get Bernadette.

2. THE SPIRIT OF ADOLPH RUPP, KENNY THE PSYCHIC, & A OUIJA BOARD -- Number two on Jurich's list proves that he is willing to pull out all the stops to get Loserville basketball winning again.  In fact, Jurich is willing to go after a coach who currently ranks #2 in all-time wins -- ADOLPH RUPP.  Jurich has already contacted Kenny the Psychic, and through Kenny, he has made initial contact with Rupp.  If Rupp accepts the position, Jurich will hire Kenny to channel Rupp through his amazing Ouija Board for Loserville practices and games.  Jurich has concerns about the costs of bringing back the dead which may snare this deal.  Kenny the Psychic is demanding $5.99 per minute plus "spirit access fees" and Rupp is demanding $2 million per year for his estate.

3. EDDIE SUTTON -- Proving that Jurich is willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to emulate Big Brother, our investigation reveals that #3 on the top secret list is Eddie Sutton!  Jurich is prepared to fly a private jet to Oklahoma to woo Sutton personally.  His plans include enticing Eddie with strippers, Jim Beam, and a promise of a "relaxed" atmosphere.  Whether or not Sutton is willing to face Big Blue fans on a regular basis remains to be seen.

4. LARRY EUSTACHY -- Jurich was said to be wavering on his good friend Larry Eustachy as a possible Crum replacement.  Those concerns were wiped away and Eustachy earned a spot back on this list when his Iowa State Cyclones lost in the first round of the NCAA Tournament.  Losing the big games is what being a Loserville Card is all about, and with his performance in the NCAA Tournament, Eustachy proved he meets the losing criteria.  However, Jurich to have lingering concerns about Eustachy; particularly the fact that Eustachy has no ties to Big Brother and because Loserville would have to cough up big bucks to buy out Larry's contract with Iowa State.  However, Jurich envisions a brilliant plan to remedy these two problems.  He will fire Jonelle Smith (the Loserville football coach), hire a jobless Hal Mumme (giving Loserville that "Big Brother Connection) and thereby freeing up enough funds to buy out Eustachy's contract.  We'll keep a close eye on this darkhorse situation.

5. COREY CRUM -- Jurich could have never known that his coaching search would result in the reunification of a father and his son.  Enter, Corey Crum.  Utilizing the best private detectives, Jurich has uncovered the long lost son of Denny Crum.  Denny and Corey were said to have had a tearful reunion on Jurich's private jet.  Apparently, Corey's mom had never told him about his Dad.  But when Jurich saw Corey coaching the Northern Georgia School for the Blind Hornets, he knew that he had to make a push for Corey.  And Jurich knew that his best chance to land Corey would be to reveal the truth to he and Denny.  Loserville fans are not familiar with Corey, but look for his name to begin to be leaked to the mainstream media.

6. DAWNIE AND WHITNEY HOUSTON -- From the Denny Crum Coaching Family come Dawnie and Whitney Houston.  Many of you remember Wade Houston.  He was a long time Crum assistant coach at Loserville, and left Loserville to take the head coaching position at Tennessee.  Wade's most recognizable son is, of course, Alan Houston who played for his father at UT and went on to the NBA.  However, what few realize, is that Wade has two other sons, Dawnie and Whitney.  Dawnie is currently completing his female-to-male sex change in California, while Whitney has a very successful singing telegram business in New York.  Whitney is pictured to the right in the costume of his most requested singing telegram -- "Superman".  If all efforts fail to land someone -- anyone -- who has ties to Big Brother, Jurich will move to the Crum Coaching Tree and his first choice will be Dawnie and Whitney.  These two will only negotiate a "package deal" which would result in their being named co-head coaches at Loserville.  While Dawnie and Whitney have no prior coaching experience, Wade has assured Jurich that they can turn the Loserville basketball program around.