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during the majority of my childhood years, i knew a neighborhood kid named anthony, but everybody called him fat tony bologna, since not only was he fat, but he also smelled like stale, old bologna. everybody knew fat tony bologna. of course, he wasn't very popular with the other neighborhood kids, mainly because he was a bit of a bully and, as it usually works, liked to pick on the other kids for his own amusement and pleasure. and as is usually the case with most childhood bullies, he also wasn't very bright. most of the tricks he tried to pull on the other neighborhood children would only work provided his victim was just as dumb, if not dumber, than him. a good example of this was the one time he tried to trick me into drinking a foul smelling, cloudy yellow liquid from a gatorade bottle that was clearly labeled "FRUIT PUNCH" in bright red letters across the front of the bottle. in terms of intelligence, i was light years ahead of the guy, so i decided to be helpful and pointed out his error in empty gatorade bottle selection. however, it was the opposite when it came to strength, so after pointing out this technical error, i immediately made a run for it before fat tony bologna could dump the putrid, smelly liquid on my head like i'm sure he did with many of the other neighborhood children who weren't dumb enough to drink his very dark and surely diseased piss.
thankfully, his reign of neighborhood terror was brought to an end just shortly after beginning junior high when he was thrown into juvenile hall for attempted sexual assault. as the story goes, he had snuck into a young neighborhood girl's bedroom window under the veil of early morning darkness and had just barely managed to pull the bedsheets off of the sleeping beauty when she suddenly woke with a start and screamed, scaring fat tony bologna, who immediately fled back out the bedroom window, surely shitting himself as he aimlessly tumbled off the roof, his round fat ass hitting the ground with an audible thud. unfortunately for him, the girl recognized him (like I said, everybody knew fat tony bologna), so the cops were called and they took fat tony bologna away for a very long time. i wouldn't see fat tony bologna again until my early high school years when me and a friend would catch a glimpse of him waddling down a street in our neighborhood. we were driving by the area, so it was quick, but we knew it was him, once again prowling the streets for his next victim.
the last i would see of fat tony bologna would be in the summer of 1998 when our religiously overzealous next-door neighbors would throw one of their occasional block parties where everybody in the neighborhood would get together and praise the supposed glory of our supposedly almighty god. fat tony bologna was there; still fat, still smelly. but apparently he had changed his bullying ways and was now a baggy-clothed bible thumper. i even got to hear him rap, if you can call it that.
fat tony bologna would disappear into obscurity again after that night. i'm not sure what has happened to him since then. last i heard, he was working at a gas station pumping gas and selling expired beef jerky. i don't know, maybe he was shot and killed by a robber while working there or something. or maybe he still works there; still fat, and still smelly.
either way, can't say that i miss him.
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