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our roof leaks when it rains. a couple weeks ago my father, being too cheap to have the roof repaired by a professional, had me help him layer a couple giant sheets of plastic along the center of the gravel covered roof, thinking it would actually help. the first time we ever had to do this was back in 1997 when the incredibly underwhelming hurricane nora decided to stroll on through and kick over a couple empty soda cans. unfortunately, we've had to do this several more times since then.
as usual, i ended up with the thankless job of carrying several dozen dusty, palm-shredding bricks up along a shaky ladder. we then laid those bricks along the edges of the stretched out plastic sheets to keep them from being blown off by the surprising strong winds that have been blowing through the valley this year. "but father," i inquired, "won't the strong gusts of wind cause the sheets of plastic to billow up from underneath, in turn causing the bricks to flip and roll off the plastic over time, which would then eventually fly away?" "naaaahh!" exclaimed my father, "that's crazy talk!"
the next week, my father had me climb back up on to the roof with him again. apparently, the strong gusts of wind had caused the sheets of plastic to billow up from underneath, in turn causing the bricks to flip and roll off the plastic over time, which then flew away. after laying everything out all over again, my father's next bright idea was to then superglue the bricks to the plastic, thinking it would actually help. all it did was help the billowing plastic drag the bricks along the roof every time a gust of wind hit. with every shift, shuffle, and rotation of a brick, a low rumble could be heard throughout the house. after a couple weeks, my father asked me to go back up there and bring everything back down, finally realizing that it wasn't helping. unsurprisingly, he asked me to do this all by myself. on an extremely cold and windy day. at six o' clock in the morning. i audibly exhaled unenthusiastically, which he apparently took as a "yes," but naturally, i didn't do it anyway.
a couple weeks later, my father crawled back on to the badly deteriorating roof. by himself. on an extremely cold and windy day. after sunset. when i realized that the loud creaks and rumbles i heard emanating from the roof were from my father rather than the bricks, i was flabbergasted. here was a nearly blind man in his mid-fifties, with a notoriously bad back and absolutely no cartilage left in his knees, stumbling around on a loose gravel covered roof which sags in multiple places, while holding enormous wind catching sheets of plastic in 15-20 mph winds.
GET OFF THE GODDAMN ROOF, YOU INCREDIBLY CRAZY OLD MAN!!
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